NationStates Jolt Archive

Allanean Arms 'Pestis Dei'

Since the United States of Allanea has prohibited all trade from Doomingsland, and refuses to recognize Doomani copyright law – or in fact, any kind of Doomani law – we in Allanean Arms decided that this was a good time to launch our new product – and this time, a new alcopop soft drink, named 'Pestis Dei', after the famous Doomani weapon.

This new bottle will be painted in the colors of the Doomani flag, and the advertisements will feature photoshops of Emperor Maximus in a thong. (We've taken the picture of the naked Maximus from The Emperor at Home and At Work and edited in a thong to make it more decent).

The drink has 4% alcohol, and further features taurine, caffeine, and sugar. It's purpose is to be marketed to the 16-19-year-old demographic, on the very account it's very weak, and even your parents will not have a problem with you drinking it – and yet it's so damned cool.

A bottle costs just $2.5 at suggested retail price, and we tell you – it's worth it.

We are not responsible for the uploaded videos of women performing sexual acts with bottles of Pestis Dei that are out there on the Internet. Even if those women do happen to be Allanean Arms' house models.

Pestis Dei – named after the puniest weapon in the world, the world's weakest alcopop is even safe for Junior to drink! It's as weak as the real Pestis Dei!

OOC: As usual, how many of those would sell per year in your country?

OOC: You have a real thing for provoking our censors, don't you? :p

Misenae Telegraph
24th June 2007

New Allanean Drink Hits Market, Censors Becoming Aggravated

Another contraversial Allanean Arms advertisement hit the screens today, with censors becoming increasingly aggravated at having to constantly find the "post-watershed" stamp. One censor has confided in us that ink levels are running low, with overtime at an all-time high as Allanean Arms begins to flood the market with various products, often featuring advertisements that feature excessively sexualised youngsters, claimed to be members of Allanean Armed Forces.

This commercial, however, rather than being outrightly banned, has been reduced to post-watershed television and radio, and 18+ cinema viewing, with sales to 18+ citizens only. Whilst this is expected to reduce sales, Allanean Arms has been in arguments with the Barronian censor's before, who adamantly maintained their cause.

Current predictions base a large number of people planning to buy the drinks as a show of protest against the censors, with sales expected to make 2 billion bottles sold this quarter.

In the Defense Ministry, General Samarra Rakhmadi, Deputy Defense Minister and outspoken anti-Catholic, condemns the marketing gig as a "disgusting insult to the memory of the millions of soldiers and civilians who died from this vile weapon."

Very few bottles sell among the soldiers, and some vending machines in military barracks remove their Allanean advertisements in response.

However, among civilians who come from areas of the Negev relatively unaffected by Doomani chemical warfare, the bottles do sell well. All in all, perhaps three billion bottles a year might sell in Havenic Kahanistan, despite only a small percentage of the population buying them.

Official Allanean Arms Response

It was not our desire to mock the memory of the dead - unless they are dead Doomani, of course. We want to mock the war-happyness and military penis-waving of the Doomani, and their touting of the puny Pestis Dei as the be-all and end-all of all WMD.

OOC: Just what is the Pestis Dei? Other than a WMD, I got nothin'.

OOC: Just what is the Pestis Dei? Other than a WMD, I got nothin'.

It is a WMD used by Doomingsland. Here is what its' designer has to say:

<Yixin_The_Despoiler> anyway, it's just an admixture of jet fuel and hydrofluoric acid
<Yixin_The_Despoiler> it eats away gas mask filters
<Yixin_The_Despoiler> and is flammable, so you can burn it to crack bomb shelter filters

[/OOC]

OOC stuff

HF? And that's transported how? And it wouldn't react with the jet fuel because? Effective weapon though it is, it happens to be able to eat through glass, and will react with a hell of a lot of stuff.

Is there a link for it? 'Cause as a chemist, I question how that works.

HF? And that's transported how? And it wouldn't react with the jet fuel because? Effective weapon though it is, it happens to be able to eat through glass, and will react with a hell of a lot of stuff.

Is there a link for it? 'Cause as a chemist, I question how that works.

It's not my WMD, so I don't know.

OOC: True...ah well. If it's used on me, we'll question it then.

<Yixin_The_Despoiler> keep the HF in a teflon vessel
<Yixin_The_Despoiler> mix it with the jet fuel at moment of contact
<Allanea> Care to post that?
<Yixin_The_Despoiler> you post that
<Yixin_The_Despoiler> i'm busy
<Allanea> Wouldn't it react upon mixing?

OOC: Hopefully this is the end of the thread hijack. Post further comments on the qualities of Pestis Dei to telegram plz.

ooc: generally, the HF is kept under high pressure and sprayed in an aerosolized form through Teflon nozzles. The stuff eats away gas mask filters, rendering them impossible to use. You add the jet fuel plus a small spark later on, and it goes boom.

The alcopop 'Pestis Dei' has become extremly popular in New Vantania, with over twenty million cans sold in the first month. The cans are a bit pricy, because of the tariffs on Allanea due to their anti-Doomani opinions, but the public loves it to much to care. The government has made a tidy profit on the tariffs, and most of the money was donated to a charity organization that donates money to the Doomani government.

The market in TLA would be around ,82,700,000 purchases a week.
On military bases it would be the party drink 'of choice'.

Official Allanean Arms Response

Due to our policy of corporate public responsibility, we will no longer market our drink in Vontanas.

Pestis Dei – Frankly, A piss poor substitute for a drink

Weak, inoffensive, and puny, Pestis Dei has little to recommend it. This far from intimidating liquid is basically sugar with a little bit of alcohol mixed in so that it can crawl from the bottle. Which might be just what one wants in order to stay awake so that one can endure the frightful drivel of its namesake’s creators’ leader, who is depicted on the marketing.

Which, frankly, is reason enough to ban the damn stuff and fire off some missiles at the creators. I haven’t seen a Doomingslandi before. And I certainly don’t want to, if this ‘Emperor Maximus’ (look him up, or don’t, if you appreciate the male body) is typical.

Do not visit this product’s website, it depicts said Emperor wearing a jock strap, a heinous image that will haunt me for a thousand years. It took considerable resolve not to sit down and weep upon seeing that mind-desecrating image.

The only possible reason for drinking this product I can envision is if one has a serious need to scour the enamel off your teeth with a vast quantity of sugar. If I could, I would give this a negative rating, and recommend that its only use is for parents wishing to punish their infant children in some cruel and unusual way.

~ John R. Raymond, A widely circulated wine and ale critic