Czardas
16-03-2007, 02:12
General Overview - Background: The Deus Ex Machina-class anti-wank vessel was the brainchild of Dvardii Defence Industries founder Marcellus Dvardi'a. Dvardi'a had just had occasion to observe a nation of five million declare war upon the United Nations and threaten to nuke all 40,000 members thereof should it not disband immediately; Dvardi'a noted that such improbabilities could and should be met with equal improbabilities, and made it his life's work to design a ship capable of defeating any and all wank almost instantly. Of course, this task was frequently given to the various makes of I.G.N.O.R.E. cannons, but such cannons were inadequate for the task, as rather than dissuading wank users it simply caused them (and their I.G.N.O.R.E.rs) to start bandying about accusations of flaming and suchlike, after which it tended to get nasty and required a full-on intervention by the Mighty Order of Dread Enforcers for the Reckoning of Affairs Too Obfuscating for Regular States.
After many years of work, Dvardi'a managed to create three separate versions of what he termed Project X.1, which ultimately came to be known as the Deus Ex Machina-class. One of the three was never produced and still remains a topic of great controversy and secrecy, but the other two—one a naval ship, one a starship—are currently in active service with several militaries, notably that of the Neo-Czardian Star Navy and her close allies. They are now both available for export to other powers; specifications of both ships are listed below.
Propulsion: Naturally, propulsion is the first order of determining how a ship works. To defeat the powers of n00bery, sometimes capable of traversing whole oceans and galaxies in a ridiculously short amount of time, DDI was at a loss: either use an existing propulsion version, which might be a copyright infringement, or make one up, which might be tantamount to wankery. In the end, it decided to do both.
The surface variant of the Deus Ex Machina is powered by eight CONDGSAH (combined operation nuclear, diesel, gas, steam, and hydrofoil) reactors. Producing a ridiculous number of megawatts that varies wildly depending on which systems you're using at any point, thus enabling you to claim it is nearly anything, these propel the ship to a top speed of over 170 knots submerged, 260 knots in the water, and 600 knots in the air. In addition, it is equipped with gas based thrust nozzles allowing it 4D thrust vectoring, giving it maneuverability comparable to that of a small bomber. (We tried for a fighter, but that didn't work out too well.) While it may look like a superdreadnought, that is no obstacle to attaining greater maneuverability than ordinary superdreadnoughts are capable of.
The space variant of the Deus Ex Machina is also propelled by a combination of engines. Originally this was based upon the Angstian Einstein engine (which required the grave of an ancient physicist to rotate); however, it soon became clear that this was too inefficient, and the Einstein engine was replaced with a simpler system. In this system, physics textbooks are used as fuel for a standard warp-type engine, allowing spacetime around the ship to temporarily cease to recognise the laws of physics. Large supplies of physics textbooks are always kept on board the ship to ensure that the device does not malfunction. This is combined with a Czardian variant of the Cassiopeian Go Faster device, which is attached to the engines and simply enables the ship to travel faster upon recognising the command, "Go Faster". Combined, these two propulsion systems allow the Deus Ex Machina to traverse entire galaxies in a few seconds.
Dimensions: An additional way of scaring off wankers is to deploy ships larger than the ones they have. Dvardi'a scanned DDI's files to find the largest ships currently in existence; a Questarian luxury liner made the top result in surface ships, whereas several large Planet Ships and the Death Star were the largest space ships. Dvardi'a then multiplied all of the dimensions of these by two and applied them to the Deus Ex Machina.
The surface variant is 16,000 metres in length, 2,000 metres in beam, and 120 metres in draught. Fully laden it displaces 4.05 billion tonnes, and 5.6 billion tonnes submerged. It requires a crew of 19, discounting aircrew. The space variant is 1,000,000 kilometres in length and 43,000 kilometres in breadth at its widest point. Fully laden it has a mass of infinity+1; it requires a crew of 3, discounting AIs.
Armament: In terms of armament, the Deus Ex Machina is one of the most powerful ships ever to set sail. The armament for each ship is actually quite similar; due to the relaying of weapons systems to an independent power supply, the Deus Ex Machina is capable of firing its weapons while still in motion, both the surface and spacedy versions. These weapons systems use mainly technologies proven to work against n00bs, such as I.G.N.O.R.E. and wankshield.
The surface variant of the vessel is armed with ten forward and eight aft 250cm Mk IV I.G.N.O.R.E. cannons, designed for use against the powers of n00bery; the I.G.N.O.R.E cannon works by firing a type of electronic destabiliser into atmosphere around the problematic vessel, person, nation, etc. which effectively renders it cut off from the rest of the world; the world cannot contact it, and it cannot contact the world by any means, including weapons attacks. This neutralises the target to such a degree that it appears never to have existed. I.G.N.O.R.E cannons never run out of ammunition, work perfectly 100% of the time, and are shielded to prevent them from being hit.
The spacefaring variant also mounts eighteen 250cm I.G.N.O.R.E. cannons, but of the Mk XXXVII make. This means that they are 33 times better and more accurate and more powerful than the Mk IV.
In terms of missiles, the Deus Ex Machina surface version supports massive stacked VLS blocks, allowing the launch of literally millions of missiles; up to 5 million SLBM-style, 10 million SSM-style, or over 20 million SAM-style missiles can be held. The spacefaring version has replaced its missiles with beams of coloured light that, when they touch something, cause it to explode. This is performed mainly by the power of special effects, and can be used to great effect against non-wanky entities in the presence of the wankier target (i.e. a standard cruiser escorting a giant space bunny).
Point defence is, of course, another important aspect of armament; that is why each ship has been equipped with enough of it to give it a 100% intercept rate. The surface variant is equipped with a combination of guns, rolling airframe missiles, grenades, rockets, THELs, and a collection of other goodies ranging from toothpaste squirters to large metal feet (you never know when you'll need them) collectively tied up in a package called the Close-in Rapidfire Ordnance Countermeasures System, or CROCS. The system is made less complicated on the spacefaring variant, in which all that is required is a shielding system armed with grasers and other such smaller beams of coloured light, as well as small mass drivers, to prove its point. Anyway, the point is that the ships are covered with these, making it impossible for any missiles or shells to hit them ever.
Protection and Armour: One might ask how ships so large can defend against the type of superweapon attacks wankers are fond of using. Examples include ridiculously high-yield nukes, weapons more efficient than antimatter bombs, etc. The answer is through ridiculously overpowered armour and shields. The surface variant of the Deus Ex Machina is armoured with twenty-four metres of a titanium-tungsten-aluminum-steel-diamond armour composite, powerful enough to withstand ten thousand ICBM hits at once. That's provided its PD system doesn't take them all down anyway.
While the spacefaring variant sports a less impressive hull, its shields make up for this a hundredfold. They are powered by approximately the amount of energy that would be released if an entire star were to be converted to energy, and thus can resist practically any form of weaponry. They also add to the ship enough mass that it can avoid being pulled into black holes created by the types of weaponry that create black holes; in fact, black holes are pulled into orbit around the Deus Ex Machina instead, in a DDI test run.
Submergability: The surface variant of the Deus Ex Machina is capable of submerging up to a depth of 5000 metres. Its decks are covered by thick protective metal hulls, and its own hull is thick enough to withstand the pressures of depth, due to the Deus Ex Machina's afore-mentioned 24mm of titanium-tungsten-aluminum-steel-diamond armour. As on the surface, the Deus Ex Machina can travel for indefinite distances at high speeds outmatching that of any submarine currently in existence.
Fighter/Infantry Complement: Both variants of the Deus Ex Machina can carry fighters, either manned or unmanned. The surface variant has room for approximately 24,000 average fighter planes or 6,000 heavy bombers in its hangars; it can also carry large numbers of troops due to the Amphibious Assault Mod, which enables it to carry virtually as many troops as the player desires. The larger spacefaring variant can carry 300,000 fighters, and again however many troops as the player desires to deploy.
Modifications: A number of modification slots ("mods") were left open deliberately, allowing purchasers of this warship to program it to perform virtually any other additional tasks its deployers so desire. Among the mods so far proposed have been Amphibious Assault (allowing the ship to deploy troops), Stealth (which gives it the radar and sonar signatures of a fly), Naval Carrier (allowing it to deploy other surface or starships from its hangars), All Your Base (allowing the Deus Ex Machina to set people up the bomb, among other things), Bunny (turning it into a giant, well-armed rabbit), and the like. Modifications are free, and any modifications one wishes to acquire must be stated when purchasing so that DDI's developer teams can start creating them.
Cost:
The surface variant costs $200 billion ($150 billion to build); the spacefaring variant costs $900 billion ($820 billion to build). They are costly, but less costly than other such anti-wank vessels have been as we believe all nations should have the right to repel and destroy the forces of wank themselves.
Thank you for your business.
[signed]
Board of Directors
Dvardii Defence Industries
I might add more later. And this isn't entirely serious, if you haven't guessed yet.
After many years of work, Dvardi'a managed to create three separate versions of what he termed Project X.1, which ultimately came to be known as the Deus Ex Machina-class. One of the three was never produced and still remains a topic of great controversy and secrecy, but the other two—one a naval ship, one a starship—are currently in active service with several militaries, notably that of the Neo-Czardian Star Navy and her close allies. They are now both available for export to other powers; specifications of both ships are listed below.
Propulsion: Naturally, propulsion is the first order of determining how a ship works. To defeat the powers of n00bery, sometimes capable of traversing whole oceans and galaxies in a ridiculously short amount of time, DDI was at a loss: either use an existing propulsion version, which might be a copyright infringement, or make one up, which might be tantamount to wankery. In the end, it decided to do both.
The surface variant of the Deus Ex Machina is powered by eight CONDGSAH (combined operation nuclear, diesel, gas, steam, and hydrofoil) reactors. Producing a ridiculous number of megawatts that varies wildly depending on which systems you're using at any point, thus enabling you to claim it is nearly anything, these propel the ship to a top speed of over 170 knots submerged, 260 knots in the water, and 600 knots in the air. In addition, it is equipped with gas based thrust nozzles allowing it 4D thrust vectoring, giving it maneuverability comparable to that of a small bomber. (We tried for a fighter, but that didn't work out too well.) While it may look like a superdreadnought, that is no obstacle to attaining greater maneuverability than ordinary superdreadnoughts are capable of.
The space variant of the Deus Ex Machina is also propelled by a combination of engines. Originally this was based upon the Angstian Einstein engine (which required the grave of an ancient physicist to rotate); however, it soon became clear that this was too inefficient, and the Einstein engine was replaced with a simpler system. In this system, physics textbooks are used as fuel for a standard warp-type engine, allowing spacetime around the ship to temporarily cease to recognise the laws of physics. Large supplies of physics textbooks are always kept on board the ship to ensure that the device does not malfunction. This is combined with a Czardian variant of the Cassiopeian Go Faster device, which is attached to the engines and simply enables the ship to travel faster upon recognising the command, "Go Faster". Combined, these two propulsion systems allow the Deus Ex Machina to traverse entire galaxies in a few seconds.
Dimensions: An additional way of scaring off wankers is to deploy ships larger than the ones they have. Dvardi'a scanned DDI's files to find the largest ships currently in existence; a Questarian luxury liner made the top result in surface ships, whereas several large Planet Ships and the Death Star were the largest space ships. Dvardi'a then multiplied all of the dimensions of these by two and applied them to the Deus Ex Machina.
The surface variant is 16,000 metres in length, 2,000 metres in beam, and 120 metres in draught. Fully laden it displaces 4.05 billion tonnes, and 5.6 billion tonnes submerged. It requires a crew of 19, discounting aircrew. The space variant is 1,000,000 kilometres in length and 43,000 kilometres in breadth at its widest point. Fully laden it has a mass of infinity+1; it requires a crew of 3, discounting AIs.
Armament: In terms of armament, the Deus Ex Machina is one of the most powerful ships ever to set sail. The armament for each ship is actually quite similar; due to the relaying of weapons systems to an independent power supply, the Deus Ex Machina is capable of firing its weapons while still in motion, both the surface and spacedy versions. These weapons systems use mainly technologies proven to work against n00bs, such as I.G.N.O.R.E. and wankshield.
The surface variant of the vessel is armed with ten forward and eight aft 250cm Mk IV I.G.N.O.R.E. cannons, designed for use against the powers of n00bery; the I.G.N.O.R.E cannon works by firing a type of electronic destabiliser into atmosphere around the problematic vessel, person, nation, etc. which effectively renders it cut off from the rest of the world; the world cannot contact it, and it cannot contact the world by any means, including weapons attacks. This neutralises the target to such a degree that it appears never to have existed. I.G.N.O.R.E cannons never run out of ammunition, work perfectly 100% of the time, and are shielded to prevent them from being hit.
The spacefaring variant also mounts eighteen 250cm I.G.N.O.R.E. cannons, but of the Mk XXXVII make. This means that they are 33 times better and more accurate and more powerful than the Mk IV.
In terms of missiles, the Deus Ex Machina surface version supports massive stacked VLS blocks, allowing the launch of literally millions of missiles; up to 5 million SLBM-style, 10 million SSM-style, or over 20 million SAM-style missiles can be held. The spacefaring version has replaced its missiles with beams of coloured light that, when they touch something, cause it to explode. This is performed mainly by the power of special effects, and can be used to great effect against non-wanky entities in the presence of the wankier target (i.e. a standard cruiser escorting a giant space bunny).
Point defence is, of course, another important aspect of armament; that is why each ship has been equipped with enough of it to give it a 100% intercept rate. The surface variant is equipped with a combination of guns, rolling airframe missiles, grenades, rockets, THELs, and a collection of other goodies ranging from toothpaste squirters to large metal feet (you never know when you'll need them) collectively tied up in a package called the Close-in Rapidfire Ordnance Countermeasures System, or CROCS. The system is made less complicated on the spacefaring variant, in which all that is required is a shielding system armed with grasers and other such smaller beams of coloured light, as well as small mass drivers, to prove its point. Anyway, the point is that the ships are covered with these, making it impossible for any missiles or shells to hit them ever.
Protection and Armour: One might ask how ships so large can defend against the type of superweapon attacks wankers are fond of using. Examples include ridiculously high-yield nukes, weapons more efficient than antimatter bombs, etc. The answer is through ridiculously overpowered armour and shields. The surface variant of the Deus Ex Machina is armoured with twenty-four metres of a titanium-tungsten-aluminum-steel-diamond armour composite, powerful enough to withstand ten thousand ICBM hits at once. That's provided its PD system doesn't take them all down anyway.
While the spacefaring variant sports a less impressive hull, its shields make up for this a hundredfold. They are powered by approximately the amount of energy that would be released if an entire star were to be converted to energy, and thus can resist practically any form of weaponry. They also add to the ship enough mass that it can avoid being pulled into black holes created by the types of weaponry that create black holes; in fact, black holes are pulled into orbit around the Deus Ex Machina instead, in a DDI test run.
Submergability: The surface variant of the Deus Ex Machina is capable of submerging up to a depth of 5000 metres. Its decks are covered by thick protective metal hulls, and its own hull is thick enough to withstand the pressures of depth, due to the Deus Ex Machina's afore-mentioned 24mm of titanium-tungsten-aluminum-steel-diamond armour. As on the surface, the Deus Ex Machina can travel for indefinite distances at high speeds outmatching that of any submarine currently in existence.
Fighter/Infantry Complement: Both variants of the Deus Ex Machina can carry fighters, either manned or unmanned. The surface variant has room for approximately 24,000 average fighter planes or 6,000 heavy bombers in its hangars; it can also carry large numbers of troops due to the Amphibious Assault Mod, which enables it to carry virtually as many troops as the player desires. The larger spacefaring variant can carry 300,000 fighters, and again however many troops as the player desires to deploy.
Modifications: A number of modification slots ("mods") were left open deliberately, allowing purchasers of this warship to program it to perform virtually any other additional tasks its deployers so desire. Among the mods so far proposed have been Amphibious Assault (allowing the ship to deploy troops), Stealth (which gives it the radar and sonar signatures of a fly), Naval Carrier (allowing it to deploy other surface or starships from its hangars), All Your Base (allowing the Deus Ex Machina to set people up the bomb, among other things), Bunny (turning it into a giant, well-armed rabbit), and the like. Modifications are free, and any modifications one wishes to acquire must be stated when purchasing so that DDI's developer teams can start creating them.
Cost:
The surface variant costs $200 billion ($150 billion to build); the spacefaring variant costs $900 billion ($820 billion to build). They are costly, but less costly than other such anti-wank vessels have been as we believe all nations should have the right to repel and destroy the forces of wank themselves.
Thank you for your business.
[signed]
Board of Directors
Dvardii Defence Industries
I might add more later. And this isn't entirely serious, if you haven't guessed yet.