NationStates Jolt Archive

OOC: Post all the silly news happening in your nation here. I'll give an IC example.

IC:

And that was how the giant biscuit crumbled...

In other news a democrat and a republican both got in a nasty fight over whether or not gay turtles and gay dogs should get married. They were both rushed to the emergency room....*guys hands reporter paper* Oh, we just recieved a report that both continued to argue causing the ambulance driver and the rest of the medical crew's heads to explode while en route to the hospital, both activists are dead.

This is a live broadcast of NEWS NOW. Damn the facts, buy our stock!

"In the performing arts center, the late post modernist performer formerly known as "Sound and Perception" brought last night's performance to a close by putting a loaded sawnoff shotgun in his mouth and pulling the trigger. Fortunately, no one anybody care's about was injured, though many are expected to receive psychological treatment for psychological trauma.

"A radical group in the Council has introduced a measure to end this behavior. The bill contains a provision that would make it illegal to kill oneself on a public stage in front of an audience, punishable by death. Damn. Why do I pay taxes?" Anchorman storms off in a fury.

OOC:This one's based on the Bush spiritual cleansing (http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/americas/03/12/bush.guatemala/index.html) :D
IC:

Hello this is Kevin Bobson with the SLBC and it seems one of our most notorious and I quote "devilish" vice chancellor, the same bastard who made clown cars manditory *cinematic of a highway where everyone was driving to work in clown cars* in the name of environmental protection was condemned by our Religious leader Biship Steve who said that the vice chancellor is a and I quote "A devil dog and I swear to spiritually cleanse everywhere he steps"

In other news liberals protest against the concept of language arguing that being able to speak is offensive because we might say something to offend someone by accident.

FIRE REPORT

Earlier today, a fire in a building damaged two houses, and one person was found drowned in a toilet. The fire allegedly started after a group of high students were smoking in the public restroom. A truant officer was making a routine stop when he decided to knock the door before entering. The students attempted to escape before the officer entered the room, but one of the girls accidentally tripped and fell into the toilet. The officer, seeing that the room was occupied decided to vacate the building. At about that time, the fire started in the room above, as the students had managed to round up to the thirteenth floor of the building. An inadvertent spark from the lighter jumped across the counter and landed into the trash can, where the blaze immediately ran up - record levels of methane combustion were recorded at that time in the building's methane monitors, prompting the buildings alarms to go off. The residents, aware of the bad gas problems, decided to vacate the building. The students managed to all escape, before the flames traveled down to the thirtieth floor, where people witnessed it jumped off the building and landed onto a neighboring suburban house. The fire was declared dead on site. Nonetheless, the principal fire was looming over the building as firefighters arrived on the scene, armed with hoses and a helicopter to monitor its every moves. A negotiator was sent up to talk some sense out of the situation, but he emerged with some severe burns, at which point, the fire department opened an all-out assault on the fire. In thirteen minutes, the fire was wrestled, and extinguished completely. However, elements of the flame managed to escape the assault and ran away to the house of famous millionaire - Bobby Martin. For two hours, the fire department tried to subdue the flames before the house was completely burned to the ground. In the aftermath, scavengers found the body of Mrs. Bobby Martin, found in their spacious toilet, apparently drowned while looking for her earring that had fallen in.

More on this report as it comes in. The late Mrs. Bobby Martin is scheduled for cremation later this evening - a service will follow afterward.

EMERGENCY REPORT!

REPORTS SAY THE SOVIET UNION IS BACK (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFemUdYl88s)

In other news a man got eaten alive by a panda due to the smell of his eucalyptus smell cologne.

(hours later)

Cops may use yakety sax instead of syrens in the future says police chief Ben Hill who hypothesizies that since yakety sax is notorious for making people laugh even during the most inappropriate times that it will stop the criminals by making them laugh too hard to focus during a police chase.

After this proposal General Chaplin would like to add portable radios into his GI's gear so that yakety sax could be used to disorient enemies during an ambush or an attack. He believes it also has defensive abilities, he is currently setting up large speaker towers everywhere near his base and putting speaker towers on vehicles and helicopters so make enemies laugh during their offensive. He is also confident that
his hardcore "dark and governmenty" training will keep his troops immune to the hilarity of yakety sax. He is calling this operation "last laugh".

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President Seleku Amidu expects three-week-term

President Seleku Amidu (Liside veran) was the first president, who officially stated that it was impossible for a president to remain in power for more than 3 weeks. She was elected by the parliament after the Liside minheje-led coalition lost important KaMarian districts.. In her first speech after being elected by the parliament, she stated: "I am glad that I received the honor to represent this proud nation for three weeks until I am kir-ed out by a change of majority. I will attempt to do my best in the three weeks minimum-term-length I have!". Probable successors of her are Taku H~seme (Liside Likhat) and Esuro Haliik (Liside nanti minas).

Hello this is Paul Arkrol of SLBC Brummerhaven,
*reads paper* A woman has recently sued a zoo and lost after claiming that she was raped by one of their gorillas. *guy hands reporter another paper* Ummm...I just received another report that she just gave birth to what seems to be what scientists are calling the missing link itself...well I guess she's going to spark another legal war....Brummerhavic people actually enjoy hearing this crud...tasteless bastards...

Cameraguy: You know Paul we're still on....

Paul:OH @#$$%@!

Hello, welcome back this is once again Paul Arkrol, we may get an interview with the woman who gave birth to the missing link, we have also used forensic science to help identify the male gorilla who agressed her. Here is a photo image of him. http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e105/yamisaur/FunnyGorilla.jpg

We predict that the child may look like this when he hits twenty. We predicted this using state of the art phot-umm whatsit technology for predicting what people will look like in the future. http://photos5.flickr.com/6954893_8d30034df1_m.jpg *people laugh at him in background* Well ummm this is what he looks like now. http://sjl-static10.sjl.youtube.com/vi/i3cv9_xqPwA/2.jpg

Found in today's paper La Díernalo (The Journal).
Prostottu prostecce rescal prosti
Vilònorda – Datal a prostottu mila stargocce te la Piazzo l’Iru in prente di la Lejasletto Provenzoddía di Norden cajappal esprezecche cáin supporale te a ventele jongrèsceco prosti disenchesita.
“Ca es buona absolutal con la lejasletto desareglece prosti e rallu romadenissa,” trecce Tornessa Bruglienecci, scamodretto provenza di a gruppo chorrecce Colzone Naziona Rescal Romadenissa (CNRR). “Ca es a basure di tempe, enjerie, e rescorsu. Sgrece at il la tafeco, la disprodiconde, e la novu cái cazzeco! E cái do dell’acevvece vennal cáin ojetu! Mion a basure!”
“Ai partezzeneco jíon percce ai belvece sinzeral con jai oibordece jái enjerii te epporu prodicondenessa,” trecce Maic L’Egnatarro, a noverientetto di l’orranizato, “Ma es tondo tempo damia cái ici oltrizio gard passa. Ai craittecce il la viado che Sinto Thorizio di Lagùchiessa e dentecce offal tempe trabbaje stalecche la rallo percce ai innece pas ticche la tempe ollo oltrizio gard passa appendechi.”
La ventele l’orranizato supporaleco clurroscecci irrondal la Cambro Nordena di Commonzu via voto vosa gurral la sbatte di l’essione monza, chíon a noverientettu fova ollo ecce on la sajo.
La rallu orranzecci schorellentecche suppore por la ventele in la Senado Nordena, usque dell’espettecco passattecche la pienzo di lejaslesso. “Trecche la nossime, passe ventele es desaconstituziona,” trecce Senadotto Cestre di Sint’Alessendrechi, “non glibattecche, passe ventele es vacascit.”
“Ma effrengèce on rente funnamenta sevora esto as la friede di spratte, la friede d’assemmo, e la rente scoppecche,” Senadotto Jarn Borgòlambio trecce in la debate on la cambro Senado cajappal.
Venno sul la Senado di Norden passatteche la ventele, gobbernotto provenza Adam Lambroglio quottecce con ca dell’easegnatoce la ventele. “Ai do dell’innece jai oéici passa noro d’izio jíon,” la gobbernotto mellecce gropperettu at la cofferenzo pressa cajappal. “E ai do dell’innece la Senado ritecche ma reischece ái meso.”
Non passe jotessu doche nilo stampecche Bruglienecci’que opi. “La Cambro di Commonzu passattecce la ventele. Scien del la Senado? Passa ventele es buonfetta estremal por la populo di Norden.”
Viorda, maque passatte in la Cambro di Commonzu ici a bito di supprette por Norden as a poglossomio codduttecce via NORD TV e Gallopo scebrecce Nordenaffíu opporeco la ventele via treje te un e il la partido majora trecce con cái opporeco te la ventele. “La supporaletto fova di la ventele osecce a regle Oussóa inne-minia con pemmisecce jai passattecche ma,” trecce noverientetto di la Cambro di Commonzu Simona di Tratagnano. “Non ai stillal jai oacienzartece maque apporve.”
La Ousso’que Basa trante di rialvettece maque apporve plusece antro ostaculo la ventele ici ordillocche. Monza fignetettu fece le ventele ici cegne nila di passattecche. Non stillal, la prostettu rennarecce in la piazzo in la epu di acevedeco a campane.


Translation for those who do not speak Nord-Brutlandese:
Protesters Protest Against Protests
Nordville – Nearly a thousand protesters marched to the Piazzo di l’Iru in front of the Norden provincial Legislature yesterday to express their support to a bill banning unnecessary protests.
“It’s absolutely right that the legislature outlaw senseless protests and rallies,” said Tornessa Brugliennecci, provincial chairperson of a group called National Coalition Against Senselessness. “It’s a waste of time, energy, and resources. Look at all the traffic, the unproductivity, and the NEWS they’re causing! And they DON'T even achieve their goals! What a waste!”
“I am participating here because I sincerely believe that we must turn our energies to more productive efforts,” said Mike L’Egnaterro, a member of the organization, “It’s about damn time we have something like this. I came all the way from Sinto Thorizio di Lagùchiessa and took time off work to join the rally because I know this would be the only time something like this would happen.”
The bill the organization is supporting had already cleared the Norden House of Commons by voice vote during the start of the morning session, when only a few members were on the floor.
The rally was organized to shore up support for the bill in the Norden Senate, which is not expected to pass the piece of legislation. “To say the least, that bill is unconstitutional,” said Senator Chester di Sint’Alessendrechi, “but to be frank, that bill is bullsh*t.”
“It infringes on several fundamental human rights such as the freedom of assembly, the freedom of speech, and the right to association,” Senator John Borgòlambio said in the debate on the Senate chamber yesterday.
Even if the Norden Senate passes the bill, provincial governor Adam Lambroglio hinted that he might not sign the bill. “I don’t think we should have this kind of thing here,” the governor told reporters at a press conference yesterday. “And I don’t think the Senate will let it reach my table.”
But those statements did nothing to dampen Bruglienecci’s hopes. “The House of Commons passed the bill. Why shouldn’t the Senate? This bill is extremely beneficial for the people of Norden.”
However, its passage in the House of Commons was a bit of surprise for Norden as a poll conducted by NORD TV and Gallopo showed Nordeners opposing the bill by a margin of three to one and all the major parties said they were opposed to the bill. “The few supporters of the bill used a little-known House rule that allowed them to pass it,” says House of Commons member Simona di Tratagnano. “But I still think we could rescind its approval.”
The lower house’s threat of taking back its approval is adds another obstacle the bill have to hurdle. Most analysts believe the bill has no chance of passage and is doomed to failure. But still, the protesters remained in the square in the hopes of achieving a success.

This is Tom Krasky of SLBC's eye on South Lizasauria

A large mime fight between two schools of kung fu mimes has broken out in main street. The mimed violence was so intense we have to watch from helicopter, *listens to speaker phone* Oh my God! They say down there that the violence the mimes are miming each other with is so intense that they won't allow us to show it. Instead they'll put simulations using CGI on screen.

*cheap computer generated 3D mimes begin kung fu mime fighting in choppy slow motion*

Oh no the mimes shot an imaginary rocket at us! We're going down! tell my wife I love-*static*

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Edoniakistanbabweaguan News Network

Where the only thing longer than our name is our peni...

Steve: This just in! We have received footage of the legendary Chupacabra! A mysterious donor has given us this top quality footage. play it for us johnny!

*tape plays*

Steve (in video wearing S&M leather clothing): Hey baby. I got the camera ready. Wanna come in for you exclusive interview

*naked hooker walks out)

Hooker: O you 5 card stud! I am so ready for you. First I want you to rub peanut butter all over my body slave!

Steve: yes mistress. Anything for you mistress.

*random whipping and barking noises*

*tape cut off*

Steve: (stares blankly at the camera)... and now for the weather...

Hello this is Alice McKellen in SLBC's eye on the world today wwe'll be looking at news from *stares* Oh no not America, its probably mindless pap about their "celebs" roll something equally useless yet less mindrotting...

*this comes on* (http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/stockmarket/)

Alice:Now a word from some equally stupid *clears throat* I mean er. Good...sponsors... (http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/frosty/)

Alice: In other news a computer with allegedly statastic ability has remade what a the Jurassic period (http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/one+million+years+bc/) was like and the extinction of the dinosaurs (http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/space+is+fun/). Wait a minute...this report is from a "Big. P.P" Ah! Stupid pranksters! *Bart Simpson escapes in the background*

Bart:?*special Bart laugh*

The RNN, Hey, what does this button do?

News today from the upper governments. The Department of Internal Security has been formed. After spending nearly a one Billion Dollar Budget, and exausting the ten most Brilliant minds in the country, the following measures are now put in place.

There are now Security Cameras in Every Building, Strategicly placed to Catch all the Action:

http://img231.imageshack.us/my.php?image=1446df4.jpg

Also Crack teams of our expert Marksmen have been crafted together to form the Internal Defense Force. Surely the following sight will strike fear into even the bravest souls heart:

http://img231.imageshack.us/my.php?image=spfqa2.png

Finally, The department of Vending Machines has approved that Vend-A-Ninja Machines seen here:

http://img231.imageshack.us/my.php?image=12218whg1.gif

will now be placed next to the Ye Old Wicked Wench Vending Machines seen here:

http://img231.imageshack.us/my.php?image=295447nsurwts1.jpg


And how will the new Department and Machines be Regulated? They will be added onto the TRON.

http://img231.imageshack.us/my.php?image=whatever67639pp9.jpg

But, How the hell does anyone know what their doing in there?

On my serious issues, The Department of Conspiracies has issued their new easy to follow international Conspiracy Theory flow Chart. Order Your Copy today!

http://img231.imageshack.us/my.php?image=worldconspiracyhq2.jpg

http://img231.imageshack.us/my.php?i...spiracyhq2.jpg

Undercover INTEL agent: OMG! They found out about our "conspiracy" conspiracy! *jumps out the window*

This just in. Handed down by the Lady of Fire herself!

the Government of Ri-an has issued a 1 Billion Dollar Bounty for The Crazy frog, A.K.A. The Most Annoying thing in The World.

All previous attempts to capture the frog have failed.

We Want Him Dead or Alive.

OOC: The Lady of Fire is the leader of my nation in The Mirror Universe, where everything is reversed.