NationStates Jolt Archive

(OOC: I’m using this to continue the D12 threads on Earth II, as well as to add Australian territory. For the previous posts, go here:

http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=496685
http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=497958

Progress maps will be uploaded here.

*NOT* Earth II only)

Taonga was indifferent. Proclaimed “King of the Maori” in August amidst a military and cultural Maori revival, Taonga didn’t waste any time trying to re-establish New Zealand as a Maori Kingdom. Throughout the month of September, Taonga led a successful revolution to oust the Nepalese colonial rulers, doing most of his work in secret. It was he who put up the sign “Kingdom of the Ponaturi” to ward of would-be colonizers, but it was more than just a trick: they really were a nocturnal militia, a skilled unit of marksmen that killed any invading unit on sight. Their specialty was “Kapekape”, the Maori word for “wind”, which in reality was mustard gas. It was that which killed Rellus’ company.

Still, Taonga knew this war wouldn’t be finished. He was certain that Rellus was part of an even bigger campaign that still hadn’t yet unleashed its true might. He wasn’t yet sure of the invaders’ true intentions, since his company recovered no offensive weapons, but as with any invasion force, he knew that trust would be a while in coming. The Maori had a difficult enough time dealing with the British, so he knew he had to dig in his heels.

Rome, however, was a different beast. The Romans had a grand design for New Zealand, especially the North Island, but they had no intentions to get rid of the Maori. In fact, Valerius hoped, the Maori could enter the Roman Union and become valuable allies to Rome, but first he needed to make sure that what happened to Rellus wouldn’t happen again.

Meanwhile, Valerius decided to set his sights on Australian soil. Looking to acquire some considerable continental territory for future Roman expansion, he set his sights on Queensland, on the eastern Australian coast. Brisbane was the initial attraction, but he had an even bigger goal in mind: Roma. The town of 8,000 was attractively named in Valerius’ mind and had enough resources to merit being a real capital. “It seems like Australia was made for us,” he said to himself, “now all it needs is a christening.”

The death of the Squornshelan Republic sent shockwaves throughout the Roman world. Squornshelous had been in the throes of a civil war for years, but no one had predicted that it would splinter off into several different countries. Although Squornshelous bordered Roman Columbia, the Romans had their sights set on a different place in the Squornshelan Imperium: Koryakia.

As a territory, Koryakia did not present a lot of favourable qualities. The region is part of the Pacific Ocean’s “Ring of Fire”, a string of volcanoes that circle the ocean. It is home to 90% of the world’s earthquakes, and, while the volcanic makeup allows for excellent mining opportunities, there wasn’t a whole lot for Rome to obtain from Koryakia other than the area’s fish. Still, Valerius had eyed Russian territory for some time, and when news came that it became available, he decided to go for it.

Two ground Legions and an Avii Legion were sent to Koryakia at night with orders to make a base on the bay south of Apuka. The Romans had heard stories about the fierce Koryaks so they wanted to strike as quickly and as efficiently as possible. Valerius had hoped to turn part of the Koryakia Okrug into Roman land and part of it as a Roman-affiliated independent republic of Koryakia, but the stories of the Koryak warriors made him wonder about just how friendly he should be.

As the Romans set up camp along the beach, disturbed wildlife could be heard in the distance. They would soon find out that they disturbed more than just wildlife.

At 2AM local time, the camping Roman soldiers were awoken by a strange noise. A voice- in Koryak- was yelling at them to “get off my land” but none of the Romans who were awake knew Koryak so none knew how to respond. In mere moments, what appeared to be a thirteen-foot giant (really a Koryak on stilts) rose from a nearby hill, continuously shouting his message to the Romans.

“I didn’t know Goliath was a Koryak,” cracked Legate Cornelius Marsus, the leader of the Koryak Legions. “Let’s get to work guys.” Within minutes, the two Legions encircled the giant Koryak and offered him the chance to surrender. Since neither side understood the other, the Koryak attempted to beat away his opposition, but a soldier noticed the stilts and chopped them down.

Marsus proceeded right to the Koryak, now lying on the ground writhing in pain. “Do you speak Latin?” asked Marsus- in Latin- to the Koryak, who was in too much pain to really muster a response. “Keep an eye on him at all times,” he barked, ordering his men to drag him back to camp.

“I hate to do this to everyone, but we’ve got to move,” ordered Marsus. “He can’t be the only Koryak around these parts.” The soldiers all groaned, but they weren’t going to protest- the stilted Koryak was good for a laugh, but the hardened soldiers had a feeling it would be a trap.

Scouts sent ahead of the Legions turned up nothing, at least nothing the Romans recognized. The Legions would soon find out what they were fighting wasn’t conventional- or expected. It would reveal itself soon…

Some would call it luck. Others would call it a coincidence, while still others would call it fate. However, the Koryaks had lived in the Ring of Fire for centuries and kept track of the volcanic activity in their area, so what happened at that hour to the Koryak Legions was no surprise to them.

At 4:38AM local time the ground from below the advancing Roman legion began to shake. In the distance, the Koryaks made strange noises heckling the legion, then- as if by clockwork- the calls stopped and several volcanic fissure emerged right below them. They weren’t as big as the Koryaks had hoped, but the damage was still enough to be felt: over 8,000 Roman soldiers were killed, with the Legions completely scattered in the confusion. It was the closest thing the Koryaks had to a complete victory over the Romans, since the Koryaks inflicted heavy damage on the Legions without losing a soldier themselves. Or being seen by the Romans, for that matter.

However, the Romans could still communicate with each other, and they still had the Avii. The Avii were awoken and ordered to patrol the forests looking for any Koryak they could find, shooting them dead. Most of the Koryaks managed to survive, however, hiding out in caves.

By 6:29, the Legions had managed to secure enough of their personnel to rebuild camp. Marsus survived the ordeal and tried to make sense of the situation to his remaining troops; but not even he could figure it out. As far as he could tell, this was the first time the land below them had actually attacked them…

7:12AM, local time

Gregalis Lucius Cornelius Sarus had been with his girlfriend, Cornicern Gaia Aemilia Specia, for the past six months. They met when they both signed up for the Army, hitting it off unexpectedly. Being in a relationship, they were allowed to share the same tent and attend to their “relationship needs” as long as they put the Army first. The policy of allowing “partnerships” in the Roman Army dated back to 1993, when Paul XII decided the old rule was “outdated” since many couples can work together successfully. Today, his words were put to the test.

Shortly after their camp was set up, Sarus and Specia got into an argument. Specia wasn’t impressed that Sarus did not immediately run with her when the fissure erupted, with Sarus contending that the chaos from the reaction prevented him from doing so. “The ground erupted right between us. What was I supposed to do?” A stubborn Specia decided she had enough, and walked right out of the tent. Forgetting protocol, Sarus stayed in the tent and didn’t follow her, later getting up for a walk himself to clear his head.

When he returned to his tent- which he was supposed to guard- he found a note written in garbled English asking for his girlfriend’s hand in marriage. It was written by a Koryak who broke with tradition by not leaving his name on the note, but that was of little significance to Sarus- his girlfriend had been taken from him, something he could have prevented if he didn’t let his heart rule his head.

Talking to Marsus would be no easier to deal with.

“Sarus, how did Specia get out of your sight?” posited Marsus, caring more about how the problem happened than Sarus’ own feelings.
“Well…um…” started Sarus, fumbling for words. “She got moody and started a fight. Then she just ran off without telling me and I lost sight of her.”
“Don’t try to play the victim here. As far as I’m concerned you’re no longer a soldier. You broke protocol by not keeping an eye on her, and now you pay the price for losing her.”
“…but sir, what was I supposed to do? She ran off.”
“She’s your partner. You are supposed to make sure she is safe. You didn’t do that, so I am firing you.”
Marsus was livid. He now had to figure out how his guards broke down so quickly and easily allowing this kidnapping to go unnoticed. He also wasn’t sure how the Emperor would take the news. He enlisted the Camp Prefect to interview each of the Primi Ordines to see where camp guardianship broke down. They later learned that Sarus’ tent was “secluded” from the camp, being a good mile from the rest of the camp. Fortunately for the Romans, neither Sarus’ or Specia’s weapons were taken, but that was of little comfort to Marsus. He did, however, have enough to tell Emperor Valerius IV Maderia.

Rome, 9:40 PM

“Hello? This better be important. You’re interrupting Law & Order. It’s one of my favourite shows,” said Valerius on the phone with Marsus. He was really watching a briefing tape.
“I’m so sorry sir,” replied Marsus. “Listen, I’m in Koryakia-”
“That’s in the Indian Ocean, right?” snarled Valerius.
“No, the Pacific.” Marsus was getting agitated.
“That hasn’t become a continent yet? I thought Lemuria was supposed to rise up by now.”
Marsus took a deep breath.
“What’s the matter? You sure don’t sound like someone who’s having a good time.” Valerius grinned. He expected Marsus to bury himself in his misdeeds.
“Well, we advanced in Koryakia.”
“That’s good.”
“…but the ground attacked us.”
“What do you mean the ground attacked you? The last time I checked, the ground can’t do anything to you. At least not on cue.”
“Well, the Koryaks were making weird noises and then all of a sudden the ground ripped from underneath us. They led us to a trap.”
“The Koryaks can’t *make* the ground attack you. It seems like you didn’t do your homework.”
“What homework?”
“On Koryakia. You do know it’s in the Ring of Fire, right?”
“What’s the Ring of Fire?”
“An area of the Pacific Ocean where 80% of all the world’s volcanic activity is.”
“Oh.”
“Well, I’m happy I hired you to be a general and not a geographer. Although…I’m thinking I may second-guess that decision. You should know geography.”
“That’s not the worst part sir.”
Valerius became mockingly excited. “There’s more? Oh, do tell.”
“A soldier was kidnapped and made into a bride.”
“I’m guessing he was desperate.”
“Guess so.”
“Well, thank you for that. Now I missed the cliffhanger. How could you?”
“Sorry.”
“Get off the phone before I demote you.”
click

He then made a phone call to his Praetor Legatus Julius Emiratus to co-ordinate a new plan for Koryakia.

http://www.geocities.com/dadothegreat2003/House.JPG

Emperor Valerius mulling his options

“I won’t sugar coat this- we are in a pickle. Any ideas?”

OOC: ROFL!!!! Good stuff man keep it coming.

Rome

“Well, the Koryaks don’t seem to be interested in fighting in an orthodox manner,” said Emiratus.
“Or fair,” replied Valerius.
“How did we miss the fissure, and how do the Koryaks know exactly when they erupt?”
“Almanacs probably. Those things can go back millennia.”
“They can’t be that accurate, can they?”
“No, but then again the Koryaks don’t exactly do what’s expected.”
“True.”
“I think it’s clear we need a better leader than what we currently have in Koryakia.”
“Cut him some slack…would you have done differently under the circumstances? I don’t think there’s a general in the world that could anticipate what he had to anticipate.”
“A good general should know the area he’s going to. Clearly he didn’t.”
“I do believe there’s a difference between simply being in an unknown area and being caught in an unknown attack. I think this falls in the latter.”
“Fine; but we must act quickly. Send him a Legion of soldiers familiar with the area but keep him in command. Remind him that if he screws up he’s fired.”
“Yes Your Highness.”

Cave near Tigil, Koryakia

(OOC: I’m going to advance just this part a few weeks ahead)

“Look, I don’t care who you are,” said Specia to her captor, later identified as Mular. “I’m not marrying you. I have a boyfriend.”
“You…think…I care?” said Mular, who had poor command of Latin. “I marry you.”

(Reader Discretion advised)
With those words, he tightened the chains that bound Specia to the bed. It would be the first of many rapes Specia figured she’d have to endure. Koryak men just can’t take “no” for an answer, can they?

(End Reader Discretion)

Specia, however, was more than just Mular’s sex slave. She’d also do all the housecleaning and tended the fields, while Mular looked after the stables. At first, she didn’t like the arrangement. Mular was very forceful, but he wasn’t as rude or as mean as she thought he would be. In fact, once she realized that he simply practiced a different culture, she really grew to like him. He never complained about doing the dishes like Sarus did, and complimented her a lot more than her now ex-boyfriend did. He was an older man, about 40- 15 years her senior- but she thought he was attractive; and, once she got him to stop with the forcible bondage, quite the lover.

In time, Specia learned the finer arts of country living, while Mular learned some of the finer points of Roman civilization and customs. In a relatively short period, Specia and Mular went from mortal enemies to really married, with both complimenting each other as much as they could. She never thought she could grow to like someone this quickly, but these Koryaks…

One day, before they went to bed, Specia asked Mular about the practice of bride kidnapping. “It seems to be very barbaric,” she said.

“We’ve been practising it for centuries,” replied Mular, whose Latin improved. “In our society, it is an honour to be kidnapped, but we understand your world does not understand us.”
“I understand you; but you’re right, I wish our people knew more about your people. There are so many misconceptions.”
“At least we have each other.” The two of them locked eyes and kissed before settling in for bed.

Apuka, Koryakia

After he was fired, Sarus decided that if the Romans didn’t want to help find his girlfriend, he figured he would find her himself. One of the few Romans in the original Legions who knew Koryak, he disguised himself as a Koryak commoner and set for the capital city, Palana. He carried with him his gun, a map and his cell phone, even though it was of little use to him in the countryside. In a stroke of luck, he managed to find an abandoned car that still operated and went for a ride, map in hand and a picture of Specia- right from his cell phone- to show to passers-by. He drove slower than usual to make sure that Specia hadn’t escaped to the countryside, and while he hoped for a quick recovery, he was anticipating a search of several months.

At nightfall, he stopped at an inn in Mid. Pakhachi to rest up for an even longer drive the next day. Several Koryak women demanded that he abduct them, but each time he rejected them, telling them that he did, in fact, have a wife in Specia. He did pick up one incredibly forlorn Koryak girl- Tarinha- who told wild stories about being mistreated at home and longing to get to “The Western World” and Sarus, wanting to be generous to her while also being lonely, figured she would be worth the accompaniment. He even fell in love with the woman but suppressed his urges- he wanted Specia, not her. Still, the trip would be long, and he wasn’t sure that Specia herself wasn’t cheating, so it wouldn’t be long before he acted on those urges. Oh why must Rome blow it up? This country is so enchanting, he thought to himself. There was a lot he knew about the land, but he would later find out that there was a lot more to learn about Koryakia than he could have ever anticipated.

Apuka
“So, do you love me?” asked Tarinha cutely. She had spent a few nights with Sarus and began to develop deep feelings for him, so she was now wondering if he shared those feelings himself.
Sarus hesitated. He still had deep feelings for Specia, even though now he was cheating on her.
“What? Why aren’t you answering?” asked Tarinha again, now worried.
“Oh nothing. I was just…dumbfounded, that’s all. Of course I love you,” said Sarus, somewhat nervously. Tarinha had yet to learn of Sarus’ relationship with Specia, and he hoped to keep it under wraps as long as he could, because he enjoyed her company.

Rome

“So, let me get this straight General, you fired two of your men without noting their whereabouts afterwards?” said Valerius impatiently to Marsus, again on the phone from his post in Koryakia.
“Yes I did,” replied Marsus.
“You’re walking a very fine line there mister.”
“Sir, we’re up to our noses in some of the most befuddling crap I’ve ever witnessed. This is the most stressful war I’ve ever fought. I don’t need added pressure.”
“You are correct in that, but I want results. You haven’t been doing that.”
“Tomorrow, we are going to head out to secure the northern part, then we will be heading south. We just need a battle plan.”
“You will be getting some new soldiers, all of which will be cognizant of Koryakia and be conversant in Koryak. Do not fail me now.”
“Aye sir.”

That night, the Romans set out to secure the northern border of Koryakia with Russia, a task they managed to achieve easily by the end of the week. The northern part of the peninsula was relatively unpopulated, meaning the taking of the towns of Avanka, Slautno, Okla, Paren and Achaiyayam was done without much resistance. It was cause for celebration amongst Roman troops, but Marsus knew the battle would be tougher in the south.

Moscow

Alexei Feodorov was on his way home when a stranger approached him. The baby-faced 15-year-old gave him the glare he gave everyone else that day- a cold glare, not because he was upset at the people around him but because he was upset with his parents. His parents had forced him to live in his room for the past six months, forbidding him contact with the outside world except at school, all because he had gotten into a fight with a bully that had been terrorizing him for weeks. The school had determined he had started the brawl but it had really begun when the bully took his head and slammed it against the locker, but the school officials chose not to see that.

So it was not surprising that the stranger- really Kirgil Mashoron, a Koryak secret service agent- was also given the cold shoulder; but Mashoron- who knew from the instant he saw Feodorov that he was the one he needed- refused to give up.

“Hey you,” he shouted out. “Let me talk to you for a minute.”
“No,” Feodorov said.
“I have an opportunity.”
“For what? What could you possibly give me?”
“How old are you?”
“15”
“Wow.” Mashoron was about to exclaim that Feodorov looked far younger but he relented.
Feodorov laughed. “Yeah, I look younger than I am.”
“It’s perfect. Tell me son, what do you do?”
“I’m a student. Isn’t that fairly obvious?”
“How are things at home?”
“Well, my parents have locked me up in my room. I got into a fight.”
“That must be rough.”
“I think so, but my parents tell me that I have food on my plate and a roof over my head. I should be fortunate.”
“Isn’t that a lie they tell you so that you could accept a situation that you don’t have to?
Feodorov was stunned by Mashoron’s statement. He didn’t think of that idea before.
“I want you in the Koryak secret service. We are at war with the Romans. We need someone who can infiltrate their base and destroy their technology. We will teach you all you need to know. Are you in?”
“Yeah. This looks exciting.” Feodorov’s mood brightened. Not being required to go home, he realized he had nowhere to go but up. Besides, he didn’t really like the Romans much anyway- all they appeared to be were a shadow of their ancient selves, the ones he adored and all other Russians aspired to.

He was flown to Palana, and, in a few days, he learned about the Romans’ weaponry and the Latin he needed to get inside the base. The plan was for him to appear like an inquisitive little kid who was lost so that he could enter the base without trouble. He would enter the hangars so that all the fuel could be drained from the Romans’ machinery. If it worked, it meant that the best the Romans could muster in attack was with their machine guns, allowing the Koryak Army- which had no armoured vehicular weaponry of their own- to ambush them in an even battle.

Achaiyayam

It was nightfall when Camp Prefect P. Cornelius Iusevius saw the distressed boy. A father of two himself, Iusevius called for the boy to come to him. “It’s raining buckets,” he said to the boy as the freezing drizzle was coming down hard. “Come here before you freeze from hypothermia.”

“Who are you?” said Iusevius to the boy.”
“Lucius. I’ve lost my mommy,” said Feodorov, assuming his fake identity.
“Don’t worry. I’ll let you stay in here.” Iusevius- who was guarding the Romans’ machinery- suspected nothing of the boy, and figured he may get a kick out of the Romans’ vast arsenal.

A few hours later, Feodorov went to work. The camp was quiet with every soldier asleep, including Iusevius in his bunker. He grabbed a gun with a silencer and opened the back doors quietly enough to keep Iusevius asleep and allow him to kill the guards posted there. He then kept the doors opened so that the Koryak Secret Service could enter the hangar undetected to attach hoses to each of the Romans’ equipment so the fuel could be siphoned out. They would have to act quickly because they had to be done well before sunrise, but the plan went off without a hitch, with the Koryaks taking a some other weapons to boot. When the Romans would awake, none of their tanks, planes, Hummers, rocket launchers or any of their other vehicular machinery would work because they had no fuel. Waiting for them would be the Koryak Army, stationed some five miles from Achaiyayam.

“You did it son,” said Mashoron, who was in on the infiltration. “Do you know how to drive a tank?”
“No, but I’d love to know how.”
“Pretty simple. Let me show you so that tomorrow we can give the Romans the rudest awakening they’ve ever had.”

It was 6:29AM. Since the Romans didn’t expect to have to make much of a push, their commanders allowed the soldiers to sleep in a little. The Koryaks were not yet giving them a lot of a fight and the Romans knew the bulk of their Army was near Palana, so they could take a few liberties in the war effort.

Or so they thought. A chorus of Koryak gunfire coming from the nearby hills awoke the soldiers, with the shots even managing to hit a few of the sleeping soldiers. Grenades also poured from the nearby bushes, and, when the Romans finally managed to ready themselves for a fight, over 1,000 soldiers had been killed, mostly those that were not out of their tents and ready for battle quick enough. Counting the 8,000 that had died at the site of the volcano, the Legion now only had 11,000 soldiers, as the new soldiers were still on their way to Koryakia. As the gunshots poured in, so did the deaths.

However, as Marsus was running for cover, he received a radio message he thought he’d never hear- the tanks, artillery and planes wouldn’t start. All of the Romans’ mechanical weaponry were out of fuel, stalling each time they were started up. Amidst the confusion, several of the vehicles were blown up, with more lives being lost.

By the end of the battle- only an hour later- the Romans had lost nearly all the rest of their men, with most being little more than just sitting ducks. Most of those soldiers were inexperienced rookies looking for a taste of action, and while they were trained for combat, they were poorly trained, as none had ever anticipated the problems they were facing lacking the instincts to be ready at all costs. Part of the blame lay on Marsus, who conducted the training, as his faults as an educator were on full display on the battlefield.

When the gunfire ended, 150 centurions- including Marsus- were all that still stood of the original Koryak Legion. The survivors convened deep in a nearby forest to digest what had just happened to their soldiers, and how they really could tell Valerius.

“The Emperor will be furious,” started Iusevius.
“Well, first we need to figure out what happened,” said Marsus.
“What happened is that we were clobbered,” said P. Marcus Dustus, the Primus Pilus.
“Thanks for the reminder,” said Iusevius, disgustedly.
“Paulus…you seem to be a little agitated,” said Tribunus Laticlavius M. Claudius Tibernias.
“I’m disappointed,” replied Iusevius.
“As we all are,” said Marsus.
“Well, disappointment won’t solve our problems, will it?” said Tibernias, who had been rejected in favour of Marsus for the Legate position.
“Marcus, you will not be forceful, and that is an order. You understand me?” said Marsus. Tibernias just scowled.
“Should I fire you too?”
“Fire us all.” Tibernias then drew his gun.
“Gentlemen! Please! This will solve nothing!” screamed Iusevius.
“You know, we really should ask you what happened,” said Dustus. “You were supposed to keep an eye on the tanks.”
“I…I…don’t know,” Iusevius stuttered.
“You must. Tanks don’t run out of fuel overnight,” stammered Marsus.
“Well, there was this kid and he looked lost, so I took him in to see the tanks and-”
“Stop it right there! A kid? Since when do you let KIDS see our tanks? We have protocol for things like that. Just because Roman kids are sweet and innocent doesn’t mean everyone else’s kids are. Other countries do use child soldiers you know.”
“Well, since we’re the only ones who know about what happened, we can keep it to ourselves,” again started Marsus, who thought he was being resourceful.
“Agreed,” the centurions said in unison.
“We will greet the new soldiers and tell them a brutal storm took the rest of our soldiers.”
“Agreed.”
“No one will know of the massacre.”
“Agreed.”

Meanwhile, a Koryak soldier who videotaped the massacre from the mountains gave his video to the Koryak Secret Service, who uploaded the video to the popular video site “MeCam.com”. Within hours, Roman bloggers were telling the story of a bloody massacre of Roman troops in the Koryak mountains, all looking to see if anyone else could corroborate this horrific scene. The next day, the Roman Free Press were reporting on the scene, finding out that several other Koryak sites- all media companies in Palana- had also boasted about the news. The result would be a maelstrom Valerius would not want to hear.

“Unsubstantiated reports coming out of Koryakia are stating that the Roman Legion stationed there was completely annihilated by the Koryak Armed Forces. Apparently the Legion believed sheer numbers would suffice against an enemy that was simply more resourceful.” (Roman Free Press TV)
-click-
(image of a large protest rally in Genova)
“GET THEM OUT! GET THEM OUT”
-click-
“Oh it’s obvious that the Romans don’t know what they’re doing over there. A loss of this calibre is simply inexcusable; and frankly, it’s a war we shouldn’t be waging. This is the 21st century, not the 1st- there’s no need to wage expansionary wars.” (Roman political scientist L. Aemilius Causus)
-click-
(TV off)

“Hello? Marsus? What the **** is going on there?” screamed Valerius into the phone with Marsus.
“Um, nothing,” replied Marsus.
“Don’t give me that (crap),” stammered Valerius. “I just watched over an hour of news coverage stating that we were clobbered in Koryakia. I KNOW you’re hiding something.”
“I have nothing to hide.”
“Ok- so do you have all of your troops?”
“Yes. Right here with me.”
“Let me talk to one of them.”
“Um, no you can’t sir- they’re sleeping.”
Valerius checked his watch. “It’s 3PM. They shouldn’t be asleep.”
“We…had a hard night; and besides, it’s really 2PM.” Marsus began to crack.
“It’s still too late for them to be sleeping in. I mean, you’re awake, aren’t you?”
“Actually, you woke me up.” Marsus faked a yawn.
Valerius laughed. “You think THAT fooled me?”
Marsus went silent.
“Well, if what you’re telling me is true, then I’m going to contact the significant others of all the soldiers offering them to visit Koryakia so they can see their partners again. I’ll organize the trip to coincide with the arrival of the new troops. How does that sound?”
Marsus was still silent, but breathing heavily into the phone.
“Sooner or later you’ll have to talk to me Marsus. I can tell by those pants that you’re still there.”
“All right, all right- the soldiers are all dead. What you saw is true. I just…don’t understand what happened. These Koryaks…they’re so resourceful. I really did all that I could, I really did.”
“Sorry, but in war, only results matter. You will be officially relieved of your duties when the new soldiers arrive. You and any other remaining soldier will be taken to Rome for questioning and everyone responsible for the Massacre will be court-marshalled. You should be ashamed to call yourself a Roman.”
*click*

That evening, Valerius held a press conference to break the news of the Romans’ troubles.

http://www.geocities.com/dadothegreat2003/HughLaurie_Grant_95.jpeg

“Well, I’ll start with the obvious- yes, what you have heard in the news in Koryakia is true,” started Valerius. “We were clobbered. There’s no way around that.
“Still, I remain headstrong about this mission. The Squornshelans were our dear friends, and the death of their Republic shook me to the core. I also have a great respect for the Koryak nation, and I believe that we can foster a partnership between Koryakia and Rome that will benefit both of us immensely. This…this is just a bump in the road.
“I’m not going to expect every one of you to give your unequivocal support, but what I do hope to do is make you all understand why this mission is happening.
“Koryakia is a wonderful nation with a vibrant culture. It is one that us, as Romans, would be proud of. Therefore, it is a nation worth building and protecting. That is all.”

ooc: you know, you'd probably have better luck landing near the cities and towns where civilized Squornshelan citizens lived. ;)

Very good read though.

ooc: you know, you'd probably have better luck landing near the cities and towns where civilized Squornshelan citizens lived. ;)

Very good read though.

OOC: Thanks. :) Yeah, I probably would have better luck at the Squornshelan sites- it's just the crazy Koryaks in the way.

IC:

Vladimir and Natasha Feodorov were having a quiet dinner. Since Alexei had gotten into his fight the house was considerably quieter since he never left his room, even though he was allowed to for supper. However, something felt different this evening…

“Natasha, when was the last time we saw Alexei?” asked Vladimir.
“You know, now that I think of it…I don’t know,” replied Natasha. “Let me check in his room.”

A few minutes later, Natasha came back downstairs to report that Alexei wasn’t in his room. The two of them frantically searched their house in an effort to locate their son only for them to come up empty. The next day the two of them made phone calls to Alexei’s school, who reported that the teen had not been to class for at least a week.

The Feodorovs then proceeded to the police to report their son as missing. Within days, Alexei Feodorov’s face was plastered all over Moscow, with posters on poles, walls and even as advertisements on buses, with his information being reported on every Muscovite blog imaginable. The Feodorovs even went on the news to plead with the public for help in finding their missing son, claiming they “really loved him”. Many commentators sympathized with their plight, but some wondered why it took the Feodorovs a week to realize their son was missing. The story eventually led all the way to Causus, who was the most blunt of the bunch:

http://www.geocities.com/dadothegreat2003/RexMurphy.jpg

“Quite clearly the Feodorovs are terrible parents. At 15 years of age, Alexei’s whereabouts should have been known at all times. Now, you know me- I’m no advocate of monitoring, but he’s not yet at the age where he can be independent and the parents don’t have to worry about him. Furthermore, if someone in my family is living at my house, I should at least know where they are at all times, and even the hint of an unexplained absence should be checked into at the first moment (especially at 15. 23, there’s leeway, but not at 15). The fact that the Feodorovs took a week to discover their missing son shows how little they cared about him- if he were my son, after one day of not knowing where he is, I would have gone straight to the police. No questions asked. The Feodorovs should be ashamed of themselves.”

“I’m going to ask this only one more time- how did the Roman Army run out of fuel just before the Koryaks annihilated us?” asked Valerius to the centurions, who had just been flown back from Koryakia and were now in a military jail on charges of negligence. “If no one answers, I’ll charge all of you with treason.”

Iusevius spoke up. “Well…I saw this kid…it was raining and…I took pity on him. I didn’t want him to freeze to death. He’s just a kid. I have kids of my own. I wouldn’t want them freezing outside in the rain. So I told the kid he could sleep inside the equipment bunker- I thought he might enjoy seeing the tanks. I didn’t think he was that crafty.”

“Thank you Iusevius. That is all. I expect all of you back here at 7:30 AM.” All groaned. “Oh boo-hoo. You did this to yourselves. Besides, you’re army people. You can handle it. You’ve handled worse.”

That night, Iusevius turned on the TV. He caught Causus’ report on the Feodorovs and made a chilling discovery- the “kid” he let in looked a lot like Alexei; but how could a 15-year-old kid look like that? he thought to himself. Nevertheless, he decided he had to take his findings to Valerius the next day. Valerius would not be impressed.

“Well, not only are you careless, you’re stupid,” said Valerius to Iusevius via conference call. “How can you confuse a 15-year-old with an eight-year-old boy?” Valerius decided he wanted to do the questioning from his bed because he didn’t “feel like getting up for (the soldiers).”

“Look at him!” said an excited Iusevius. “Doesn’t he look ten?”
“Wow, he aged two years in two seconds. I’m impressed.” Valerius then had a look at the picture and conceded that yes, Alexei did very much look like he was ten. Valerius then added to his statement. “Still, just because he’s ten doesn’t make him cute- or innocent.

“In light of this, I would like each of you to write me a ten-page report about what went wrong that day and how you would have corrected it. It will be due tomorrow.” The soldiers all groaned. “What? Don’t groan you have all day. It’s not like you have anything else to do.

“Me, I shall go back to bed. I look forward to your reports. Good night.”

Later that day, Valerius met with Emiratus and other military advisors to go over the strategy in Koryakia. Since the disaster they had been meeting without much success, as the advisors could only think of simply adding more troops when Valerius was certain there was more to this war than sheer numbers.

“All you guys keep talking about is numbers and battle formations, as if the Koryaks fight a war via conventions,” said Valerius. “It’s clearly obvious they don’t and so we won’t. We saw that after they drained all of our fuel.”

“Don’t tell me that you’re thinking of nuclear war,” asked Gn. Marcus Smilus.

“No no, Gnaeus- there’s no need to go that way,” replied Valerius. “What I’m talking about is that the Koryaks have no interest in meeting us in a pitched battle. So we won’t.”

“Okay, so we’ll bomb them then,” said Emiratus.

“No need for that. Besides, we want them on our good side,” replied Valerius. “We have to find other ways to win this war. C’mon, we’re creative, we can think of something.”

“Well, if we’re not going to bomb them, then we have to fight them on the field. There are rules here, rules of engagement. We have to stick to them,” retorted Emiratus.

“Riddle me this Julius,” replied Valerius. “How do you win a war with someone who doesn’t play by the rules? Well, in war, there are no rules, and those who claim there are haven’t won one. I’ll let that one sit for a while.”

The tanker rolled into the harbour of Palana draped in the flag of the Roman Empire. The flag glistened in the sun with the flag’s red glare and “SPQR” flying unmistakably in the wind. The local Koryaks were bemused at the sight, but as news came in of the incoming ship, hundreds gathered to greet the ship. On board were one million tonnes of fish, water and vegetables, some 100 Roman Naval officers and Emperor Valerius IV Maderia.

When the ship finally docked, Valerius went out onto the deck to greet the locals. “Greetings Palana! It is I, Roman Emperor Valerius IV Maderia. We come today to bring you food. Lots and lots of food. We in Rome have realized that we have gotten off on the wrong foot, so we are here ready to make it all up to you. Come, gather, and get your goods!”

A Koryak man, Sergey Greshkev, a member of the Koryak Secret Service, approached Valerius and confronted him. “How do we know that your food is safe for us to eat? Aren’t we at war?”

“Have no fear my friend,” replied Valerius. “As a show of my goodwill and willingness to be trusted, I shall open a can of tuna right now and eat it.” A crewman then handed Valerius a can which he proceeded to open and then eat.

“That is staged!” replied Greshkev. “You’ve had that can marked to eat to make us believe that we’re not getting poisoned material.”

“Fine then. I shall stay in Palana for a week. If anyone dies because their tuna has been poisoned, then you will have permission to kill me.”

The Koryaks gasped. Had Valerius lost his mind? The Romans, however, knew this would happen, so they let it slide.

“Very well then.” Greshkev grinned. Even if Valerius was right about his claim, he would still trap him and bring the Romans to their knees.

A week would pass in Palana when Valerius got an unexpected visit in his hotel room. In came Grehskev with a loaded pistol and an associate. Valerius didn’t like the sight of the gun, but he was still grinning.

“Wow, nothing ever frazzles you does it Valerius?” said Greshkev. “Let me tell you this: a Koryak died because of your tuna. So now it is time for you to die.” He then cocked his gun and prepared to aim, with a shot coming seconds later.

It all happened so quickly, and Valerius didn’t understand what happened. Greshkev lay crumpled on the ground, the victim of a gunshot wound to the head, his assailant the associate. “I’ve never seen an execution quite like that before,” commented Valerius

“Come on sir,” said the associate. “We must get you out of here.”

“Who are you?” asked the Emperor.

“I am Pavel Vendev, a Squornshelan Koryak. I worked for Greshkev for over a year since the Fall of Squornshelous, but I have never forgotten who our true friends are,” said Vendev, flashing a sincere smile to Valerius. Valerius was still sceptical.

“So why did you join this Greshkev character, and who is he?”

“Sergey Greshkev is a member of the Koryak Secret Service. I needed a job, he offered me one, but when you guys came, the Squornshelans in the service vowed to work against them. We just needed the right opportunity, and that was one.”

“So you wanted Greshkev’s trust and then you’d turn your back on him.”

“Precisely.”

“Well then, get me away from here, I don’t know if I can stand another minute in this place.”

“As you wish your Highness.”

************************************************************************

As the day passed, Marcus Claudius Maderia- Valerius’ brother and the Deputy Consul of Rome- decided he’d give his brother a call. Not realizing that it was 2:30AM Koryak time, he panicked when Valerius did not pick up his cell phone. At this time, Valerius was asleep back on the tanker he sent to Koryakia, ready to rendezvous with Rome within the week.

An hour later, Claudius went on Roman national television after drinking a full flask of rum, all done in depression. He then made an announcement to the world.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the world populace, our dear Emperor Valerius IV Maderia is dead. Valerius was like a brother to me-”

An aide interrupted him. “Claudius, Valerius is your brother.”

“Oh, sorry. Anyway, Valerius is my brother, so, in honour of him and in light of recent events in the world, we in Rome would like to announce that we shall hold a ‘Summit of Peace’ in a week’s time here in the Curia. We cannot lose another head of state to more senseless violence. Thank you.”

Just then, Claudius’ aide’s phone rang. It was Valerius, alerted to the events by his Naval officers.

“I’m not dead. Man, one missed phone call and everyone thinks I’m dead. I guess no one figured I might have been asleep, could I?” said Valerius to the aide, who proceeded to explain to Valerius what Claudius announced.

“Put me on the microphone.” The aide did just that. “Friends, Romans, countrymen…I am not dead. Claudius is being silly once again. I missed a phone call because I was asleep. In any case, his Summit *shall* proceed as planned with all nations invited. The world has gone crazy and we shall fix it.”

Piazza del Gerani, Rome

It was the start of another ordinary Monday rush hour at the Piazza del Gerani tramway station, on the outskirts of Rome. The sun was shining on an unseasonably warm day, but like the start of any workday, the masses were predictably groggy. A few were bright and cheerful being morning people, but their feeble attempts at levity were just met with baffled glances from the half-awake crowd.

As the tram pulled into Rome, something didn’t feel right. The tram unexpectedly switched tracks halfway into the city, and while it didn’t prevent it from making its stops, the operator knew something was amiss. Moments later came a scene many at Rome Metro would rather forget: as the No. 19 tram pulled into the Porta Maggiore station near the Aurelian Walls, the No. 3 tram hurtled into it, creating a massive fireball that engulfed both trams and took out quite a bit of the station itself. 127 people were dead, with another 783 injured in what became Rome’s biggest transit tragedy in its history. Valerius would issue a statement from the Curia declaring the day a “national day of mourning”, promising to find out what had happened so the events would not repeat themselves in the future.

An investigation revealed a simple signal error, with officials concluding that the ageing wires needed replacing. Rome updated its computerized signal machinery two years ago but they had failed to replace the underground wires that were installed in the old system, retrofitting them into the new ones. Nothing in the coding suggested a faulty transmission, so the officials concluded the signals were simply crossed. The next day, Valerius pledged C1 million to replace the wires, stating he hoped to have them fully installed by the end of the month.

Palana

The day before the Porta Maggiore tragedy Koryak Secret Service computer technician Boris Tyutin spent 14 hours going over the Rome Metro system code. Although it was encrypted, Metro officials did not come up with a difficult password- “SPQR”, scoffed Tyutin, an expert at hacking- so it was easy for Tyutin to access the code. Upon succeeding, he scanned the code carefully looking for the section that would allow him to trip the signals allowing the No. 19 train to collide with the No. 3 train. After finding them, he changed them, then decided to look at the Roman cameras mounted at Porta Maggiore to make sure his change worked. He decided he’d monitor the code anyway, just to make sure the Romans didn’t toy with it, although he rightly suspected that the Romans probably hadn’t edited it in a while and thus would not be looking at it.

At 5:14PM local time- 7:14AM Roman time- Tyutin saw his plan work to fruition. As he saw the trams engulfed in flames, he laughed, then he decided to change the coding back to what it was originally. Since the program had no logs and that he used an IP cloaking device, the Romans would never find out that he had changed the codes. He then decided he would call his supervisor Kirgil Mashoron, the man who hired Feodorov, to tell him about the success.

“Kirgil, Rome is burning,” said Tyutin.
“Well then, I guess it’s time for us to fiddle,” said Mashoron.

Apuka

It had been almost a year since Tarinha and Sarus were wed at a secret ceremony outside of Apuka, and in that time, the two of them became really close. Two months into the relationship, Tarinha was pregnant with her first child, while Sarus got a job tending the fields at a local farm. In that time, the two of them saved up enough money to buy a farm of their own in Apuka, where they would raise goats. It was a different experience than what Sarus- a native of Mediolanum- was used to in his life, but after growing close to Tarinha, he learned to love his new surroundings.

When it came time for the baby to be born, the couple went to the hospital in Palana, where the Koryaks have the okrug’s only birthing unit. As Sarus waited in the hospital’s lobby for his wife’s labour to finish, he ran into a woman he thought looked familiar. He stared at her while she was grabbing a drink from the vending machine but didn’t speak until the woman broke the silence.

“Is there something you want from me?” said the woman in accented Koryak to Sarus. “You can’t be looking at me that long without expecting something from me can you?”
“Specia?” exclaimed Sarus, who realized who he was talking to and then proceeded to talk in Latin, “is that you?”
“Sarus? How could you be here?” said Specia who also responded in Latin.
“I- I- I have an ailment,” lied Sarus, who didn’t want to tell Specia that he found a Koryak wife for he still had feelings for Specia. “What brings you here, love?”
“Don’t call me ‘love’. If you loved me, you would ran with me after that fissure.”
“Are you still going on about that? It was a year ago.”
Specia then continued assertively. “Well, in case you must know, my husband broke his arm in a fall and he’s getting tended to.”
Sarus was dumbfounded for a minute. “You can’t tell me you’re married now. Not after all we’ve been through. C’mon, it was me who helped you through your grandfather’s death and that traumatic fire to your apartment-” She was interrupted by a doctor.
“Sarus, your wife has given birth to a very beautiful baby boy,” said the doctor. Specia wore a smug smirk on her face.
“I’ll be right there,” said Sarus in Koryak. “This won’t be the last time you’ll hear from me,” said Sarus coolly to Specia.

Rome

“Hey, look at this.” A computer technician, Gn. Cornelius Bennetus, accessing the administrative logs for the entire Rome Metro computer system (which controlled all of the Metro’s programs including the subway system) alerted L. Aemilius Runus, Metro’s administrator, of a curious entry into the access logs of the system. The system’s access log was checked periodically if new code was inserted and problems arose in testing, so that the administrators knew who inserted the code so they could better understand what they were trying to do.

“Unknown IP. That’s curious,” replied Runus, “and at roughly the same time as the Porta Maggiore accident. Bennetus, you may be on to something here.”
“Have we been hacked?” queried Bennetus.
“We might have been. You create a new password- you’re better at them than I am- and E-Mail it to all the administrators including myself. I will alert the Emperor.”
“As you wish.”

When Valerius heard that the Metro system had been hacked, he knew of only one culprit- Koryakia. “You don’t need to speculate on who did this- it’s the Koryaks, without a doubt,” said Valerius to Runus, “and I know precisely how to retaliate.” That evening, Valerius devised a plan to infiltrate Palana’s only vodka factory, whose business boomed in Koryakia because the majority of the Koryaks were poor and unemployed and thus had nothing better to do than get drunk, especially in the anarchic state they are in at the moment. “They want to mess with our ability to function, I’ll mess with theirs. Besides, they need to be a little more productive anyway.”

Italy, North Africa Reabsorbed into Roman Republic

ROME (RFP)- Roman Emperor Valerius IV Maderia announced today it was reabsorbing the rest of Italy and Northern Africa into the Roman Republic after the collapse of Doomanum yesterday forced the Empire to reorganize.

"It's a sad day in the Empire, that's for sure," said Valerius, "but we had no other choice. The Imperial Dominion of Doomanum fell into chaos and both our forces and theirs could not handle the strain all at once, so we had to reorganize. Fortunately for us our world position allows us to transfer territories without much incident, so we are confident the Empire can quickly recover from this loss."

The Imperial Dominion of Doomanum was formed after the reunification of the Eastern (Doomanum) and Western (Romanian) halves of the Roman Empire that had been apart for over 1500 years. The Empire was first split in 292 by Diocletian in an attempt to curb the Crisis of the Third Century, but Constantine would later re-unite the Empire in 324. The Roman State was then split in 395 upon Theodosius I's death, and after the Collapse of the Fifth Century, the Empire was reunited again in 539 by Justinian I, who undertook a reconquest campaign in favour of the East. Justinian's heavy-handed ways meant the Western side- whose authority still lay in the Roman Senate- voided the union, and since 542 (barring Claudius III's conquest of Constantinople, which was never fully integrated into the Empire), the Empire had been split. Last year's union was thought to finally close the case on Roman union, but with 1500 years apart, the East and West showed in their dealings that they were simply too different to make any union permanent. The West had a developed democracy and a system of basic human rights bestowed upon the population that allowed for and created a culture of extensive liberty that was worn with pride by the Romans, while in the East the government continued to be autocratic and dictatorial, with the population considerably and demonstrably conservative, and its these cultural differences that ultimately stalled attempts by Maderia and his Eastern counterpart, Secundus III, to create a unified Constitution. The East also crippled itself with an overambitious expansion program that put an inordinate strain on Imperial resources, and it is the aftereffects of this program that led to yesterday's collapse.

It is unclear what the final fate of the Eastern Empire will be, but since Maderia is now the sole Emperor, many speculate the East may just be reincorporated in the West once and for all. The Eastern Empire had been without an Emperor for six months following the death of the successor-less Sextus XV, who was the fifteenth Emperor after a coup in the East took Secundus from power in February. Secundus laid the groundwork for the successful integration of the new Eastern lands, establishing elaborate- mostly military- networks as well as provincial offices to ease the transition into the Doomani system. However, the coup disrupted the integration and stopped it from being implemented properly, and the discord meant the Eastern Empire fell into irreparable disarray. Speculation had been rampant over the last month over the future of the Eastern Empire and just how much the Romans could maintain, and, despite Valerius’ announcement, it is still anyone’s guess to how this story will eventually play itself out.

One thing is for sure- the union of the Empire is finally completed. It may not have occurred the way Valerius intended it, but at least he can say he accomplished what he wanted.

Empire of Ontario Carved out of Empire of Canada

TORONTO (RFP)- Valerius IV Maderia announced today the creation of the Empire of Ontario by carving out the province from the rest of the Empire of Canada.

Like Canada, Ontario will be a sovereign Dominion with the Emperor of Rome being its Constitutional Monarch. However, unlike the Empire of Canada, an election will be done to select its first ever Consul, timed so because the Empire of Canada will also select its Consul via an election this year.

“We didn’t think it’d be appropriate to appoint someone when the rest of Canada is voting,” explained Valerius, “so we figured that we would let the voters of Ontario decide. Besides, when we assumed the Canadian territory, we were assuming a territory that needed to be rebuilt after the Celtayoshian collapse- this is not the case in Ontario.”

The announcement comes after months of pressure by leading Ontario politicians- particularly Toronto mayor David Miller, current Premier Dalton McGuinty and Ontario Progressive Conservative Party Leader John Tory- to create a separate Dominion for the province. Miller had hoped for a Dominion of his own in Toronto, but Valerius said it would be too small for sustainability, so Miller joined the chorus of voices for a Dominion in Ontario.

Miller will get part of his wish, however. Ontario will be divided into three provinces- Northern Ontario, with its capital at Thunder Bay, Southern Ontario with its capital at Ottawa and Province of Toronto in the city of its namesake covering the Greater Toronto Metropolitan Area- and 12 districts. The provinces and districts will have their own separate legislatures (each headed by a President), with the districts covering concerns of a regional manner such as hydro, extra-municipal law enforcement, inter-municipal transit and other inter-municipal services and networks (as well as administering provincial directives locally), with the provinces covering inter-district concerns such as provincial highways, resource management and health care and the Dominion itself- at the Capitol in Toronto- covering inter-provincial concerns such as economic and family law as well as inter-Dominion relations. The three provincial Presidents will combine with two Dominion-wide elected representatives (the top two candidates in the Consular elections) to form the Dominion Senate, with the top candidate in the Consular election being named Consul. A map of the new Dominion was provided by the Imperium and can be accessed here (http://www.geocities.com/dadothegreat2003/RepublicofOntarioMap.png).

An Ontario election has been set for this fall with Tory and McGuinty the leading candidates, with the final vote to be held on October 10.

The Empire will be carefully watching the development of this new territory within Canada as it borders our Province of Dnalkrad.

OOC: The Rhinoceros Party is very real ( http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/071108/koddities/brite_rhino_return)

IC:

Tory wins in Ontario, Duceppe again leads Canada but Rhinoceros Party claims Parliament

TORONTO, ON (RFP)- John Tory became the first Consul of Ontario with 64% of the popular vote (appearing on 86% of ballots, as voters picked a No. 1 and No. 2 candidate), ahead of the 44% Tory’s main rival, Dalton McGuinty, received. In the provincial elections, each of the three political parties- the centre-right Conservatives in Southern Ontario, the centre-left Liberals in Northern Ontario and the leftist New Democratic Party in Toronto- won a province, meaning, coupled with Tory’s affiliation with the Conservatives and McGuinty’s affiliation with the Liberals, no party will have a majority in the five-seat Ontario Senate. However, analysts do not expect any problems in creating and implementing legislation, as Tory is considered a “red Tory” (i.e., firmly in the centre) and thus shouldn’t have much conflict with the Liberals or the NDP. The Ontario Parliament will commence in a week’s time, where its first task will be to select the nominees for the Cabinet that the Senate will approve for each position.

In the Canadian Consulship Elections, Gilles Duceppe returned as Canadian Consul, although he will be asked to work with and represent a Canadian Parliament firmly rooted in Regina now led by the Rhinoceros Party of Canada, an admitted satirical party whose election promises include, among other things, a guaranteed weekly orgasm and marijuana rations for all Canadians, to replace Canadian soldiers’ weaponry with paintball guns, and, above all else, not to keep any of its promises should it be elected. Said Rhinoceros Party leader Yo Gurd (real name François Gurd), “the message sent by the Canadians is clear: ‘let’s forget all these political knuckleheads and just get stoned’”.

Of the 31 seats in Canadian Parliament, the Rhinos won 22, followed by three from the Conservative Party of Canada, two from the Liberals and just a single seat from the NDP, Greens, the First Peoples National Party of Canada and the Marijuana Party, a pro-marijuana party that has many similarities to the Rhinos. Amidst fears that the Rhinos’ victory would “ruin Canada” since the Rhinos “are not serious”, several political analysts reminded the public that any laws Parliament creates must be approved by the Consulship and vice-versa.

That didn’t prevent the “serious” political parties from insisting Canada was on its way to peril. “Canadians will see the folly of their ways,” said Conservative Leader Stephen Harper, “because they’ll soon realize that politics isn’t ‘fun and games’ and once the novelty of electing the Rhinos is over, people will realize they made a wrong choice; and by that time it will be too late.” Stephan Dion, Leader of the usually dominant Liberal Party of Canada, echoed the sentiments, stating “if Canadians wished to make a change, they have gone in the wrong direction. The Rhinos’ victory makes a mockery of the system and Canadians deserve a party that will use Parliament for work, not a college frat-house.”

Gurd dismissed the claims, saying that while he did not expect the Rhinos to win, he intends to take his job seriously. “Yes, we will pass a law allowing marijuana to be smoked inside the Legislature,” said Gurd, who hinted that his party would take a decidedly leftist approach to political decisions, “but that doesn’t mean that we will not look after the needs of Canadians. They elected us and it is our duty to do the job they asked us to do. We will take this job seriously- although we intend to have some fun while we’re doing it. Politics does not have to be dull.”

Legislature will open in a week’s time for Parliament and Duceppe to work on affirming the positions required for the Canadian Cabinet. Although Duceppe has never explicitly stated he wouldn’t ask for a re-vote in the Elections, it is not expected the leftist Duceppe would have much issue with a Parliament that is expected to see eye-to-eye on many important issues.

Rome

“Yes? This better be important Gilles,” said Valerius, woken up by a delirious Duceppe at 5AM when the Canadian Consul did not realize Rome was six hours ahead of him in time.
“Did you hear the news?” asked Duceppe, imploring the Emperor to turn on the T.V. “I’m speechless.”
“No Gilles, I didn’t hear the news and I’d rather not turn on the T.V. It’s too early- my eyes aren’t ready for the bright lights yet.”
“Early? It’s 11:03 PM.”
“For you it is. It’s 5:03 AM over here.”
“Oh…I’m sorry Your Highness.”
Valerius remained silent, since Duceppe’s apology wouldn’t be enough to recover the sleep he lost.
“Anyway, the Rhinoceros Party of Canada won our Elections. We’re doomed.” Duceppe didn’t even try to hide the gloom in his voice, hoping he’d sway the Emperor into allowing him to a re-vote.
“You have rhinos in Canada? And they can lead a country? The only ones I know gore lions in the jungle with their huge horns…boy those are great videos to watch on the Discovery Channel, wouldn’t you agree?”
“No, Caesar, I’m not talking about the animals…there’s a registered political party in Canada called the ‘Rhinoceros Party’ whose platform includes all sorts of absurd ideas, such as replacing our military guns with paintball guns, guaranteeing a weekly orgasm and marijuana for all Canadians, establish a rave in Parliament and, worse of all, not to keep any of its promises should it be elected. They can’t possibly be a valid, legitimate Party…I can’t possibly work with them…I demand a re-vote.”
“Denied. Canadians voted for them, you lead Canada thus you shall work with them. Good day.”

Valerius hung up the phone and promptly went back to bed.

Port Hardy, Vancouver Island

“See that up in the distance?” said Pavel Rusgev to his associate Yuri Rhizmev, “that’s Vancouver.” He pointed excitedly after viewing what was really Port Hardy of Vancouver Island, but nevertheless it was still in Roman territory.

Rhizmev was barely awake, having slept for most of the day because he covered the night shift, but he was excited. “Vancouver? I thought we’d never make it.” He took a look in the binoculars himself and his excitement level came to displace any tardiness he was feeling.

The two Koryaks were on a small rowboat having sailed for several months along the Pacific hoping to start a new life on Canadian soil. With anarchy and attrition ruling the day in Koryakia, the two of them knew their home was a lost cause, and saw Roman territory as their only hope for a better opportunity. They were in their mid-twenties and both single, which gave them the opportunity to abandon the country they loved as well as their family and friends, which they saw only downing vodka. They weren’t sure if the Romans would accept them in their society but as far as they were concerned, they had no choice.

Their joy soon turned to fear, since a Roman coastal patrol boat intercepted their raft as the sun was going down. They put their hands on their heads and knelt, hoping to display to the Roman authorities that they were no threat. The Romans were still apprehensive.

“You are entering Roman territory. You are asked to surrender unconditionally to us; and if you attempt to resist we will engage. We are not afraid to use force and will do so if we perceive you to be a threat. Please direct your boat to our ship immediately.”

The Koryaks froze with fear, only starting to move as soon as they saw the patrollers unveil the cannons. The rest of the intercept was incident free, with the Koryaks detained without resistance. Roman immigration and intelligence officials would meet with the pair the following day to assess any possible risks to Roman security both might pose. They had no reason to suspect trouble but they were going to take no chances. They were also hoping for a low-key affair, but with the Canadian media looking to take a closer look at their Roman overlords now that their country is up and running, they had to be watchful of the media’s prying eyes, but the future would reveal the media would be a bigger thorn than any official could have imagined.

Rome annexes the Bengal, New Orleans

CHITTAGONG, BENGAL (RFP)- The Roman Empire announced today the successful annexation of the Bengal and New Orleans after months of fighting rebel groups in both areas, Army sources tell the Roman Free Press.

The Army reports that the campaigns saw minimal casualties on the Roman end as well as no civilian casualties or damage and, upon securing each territory; the Army helped each area rebuild its infrastructure. Magister Militium Quintus Servillus Hector Marconis, who oversaw both operations, stated that both areas are in states of “good repair” and that the countries should be “operational by the end of the month” without giving any further details.

Emperor Valerius IV Maderia was quick to applaud the news, hailing it as a landmark achievement for the extension of the Roman world. “We set out on both of these campaigns with a purpose- a purpose to give these people new hope. Today we can safely say we have satisfied those commitments.” Valerius also used the opportunity to showcase it as an example of the abilities of the Roman Army, capable of turning the most anarchic of states into robust, functioning states.

Other commentators were not as celebratory about the news as Roman officials were. Roman political scientist L. Aemilius Causus said on his talk show, “The Real World” that the success in the Bengal is still an achievement, he openly wondered just why the Roman Army was still in Koryakia, which featured one success- the Palana food donation shipment- and is filled with reports of continued lawlessness (especially in Palana which had a botched infiltration into a vodka plant) and attacks on Roman soldiers who seem incapable of keeping the peace. “We were told that operation was supposed to only last a few months…oh well, at least Bengal and New Orleans are on schedule, so who cares, right?” Causus stated, sarcastically. Roman officials, when asked about Koryakia and Causus’ remarks, provided no further details, except to simply say “that everything is going smoothly”.

Winnipeg, Manitoba

TV screen shows massive military complex on Port Hardy, Vancouver Island

“On W-Five tonight, we take a closer look at Port Hardy, the notorious Roman port that is currently holding in custody two Koryak castaways who simply fled to Canada just for a new life. None of the Koryaks are being charged with anything and are just being held under a contentious ‘security certificate’ the Romans invented just for them. Roman officials justify the move considering they are ‘at war’ with the Koryaks and view the castaways with suspicion, but human rights groups are condemning Rome for taking what they see as a racially charged stance.”

cut to a group of screaming demonstrators just outside the Vancouver legislature

“‘The Romans’ only reason for holding these two castaways is because they’re Koryak. They’ve done nothing else wrong.’”

cut back to news anchor Lloyd Robertson

“That’s on W-Five tonight.”

Gilles Duceppe turned off the T.V. in frustration. As much as he knew that W-Five liked to sensationalize stories by stirring the pot, he knew this was exactly the kind of press the Canadian Republic did not need. It was he that brought the Romans in for “protection” because he felt they would uphold Canadian values, but this kind of news was sure to make the Canadians think twice about his actions.

He decided there was only one course of action- contacting Valerius and meeting him face-to-face to discuss the issue. Duceppe had a lot of things to work out with him anyway, and this was going to be his incentive. He also decided that if the Romans didn’t give him favourable terms he would formally split Canada from the Roman Empire- in any way that he can.

Regina, Saskatchewan

Pundits had their doubts about how great the Rhinoceros Party would be for Canada. Much like the politicians they defeated, not a day had passed without an expert on a news program decrying the state of Canadian democracy, insisting that the Canadians made a mockery of the system by voting in a party no one can take seriously. The Canadian public hit back with millions of letters, calls to call in shows, discussion forum posts and other forms of media to remind the pundits if they had a political party that did take their job seriously and actually did what they promised they would have voted for them- instead, they got the Rhinos.

However, Gurd wouldn’t be content with just being a “protest” party- he wanted the Rhinos to be taken seriously. He was genuinely surprised that he won, but he felt he owed it to Canada to provide them with the leadership he knew the country has lacked for a while. Not that he was content with running the country in the same, stuffy way his predecessors did- he was going to have some fun at his job.

In the coming weeks, Gurd lived up to those expectations. In his first Act of Parliament he struck the House of Commons’ dress code from existence, a move that followed with all of his Party members (and some other MPs) shedding their clothes simultaneously. Other Acts saw the creation of a “marijuana smoking area” adjacent to the Parliament buildings (used in winter) as well as the construction of a rave facility on Commons grounds. He had also thought of formally making Canada’s national motto “PLUR” (short for “Peace, Love, Unity and Respect”, the raver’s motto) but his fellow MP’s convinced him otherwise. He also repealed all laws concerning “victimless crimes”, including prostitution, recreational drug use and public nudity laws, as well as firmly establishing a Canadian law legalizing abortions. He also declared every Saturday “Day Sex” (a play on it being “Day Six”) where Canadians were encouraged to “have as much sex as they want” and the government would provide sex-related programs in the cities, such as parties, mandated that brothels and prostitutes operate for free on that day (with both subsidized so that could be the case), information sessions on positions and safe sex as well as formally hand out free condoms. He also formally declared March 10 (March 9 in leap years)- the 69th day of the year- a national holiday called “National Sex Day” (with the holiday falling on a Monday if the day fell on a weekend) where all the actions on Day Sex could be highlighted and further promoted by a national festival. He also decreed that the week of June 9th- “6/9”- would also be national holidays and feature a similar festival, incorporating outdoor festivals and rock shows meant to evoke memories of Woodstock. Other new national holidays were proclaimed, including April 20th (“4/20”) in honour of marijuana users, as well as the entire month of August (workers in “essential service” fields were required to work that month, with half having July off and the other half having August). Public transit was also formally declared an essential service in all communities, and Gurd vowed a system would be in place by the end of 2008 that connects all of Canada “in one network”.

Gurd was proud of his achievements, but realized some of his new laws- such as the repealing of the recreational drug laws- could have global consequences, so he decided to invite both the Roman delegation (to co-ordinate border patrol) as well as officials from Layarteb (Roman neighbours) Alaska and Hirgizstan (Canadian neighbours) to Regina to discuss diplomacy and trade as well as ensuring no illicit activities cross into their borders. He wished to himself that those countries could let their people have as much as he allowed Canadians, but he respected those countries’ rights to operate their countries in the manner that they did and he had to make sure that Canada would do what they could not to interfere in that regard. Still, he hoped for a fun time, and fun would be what he would get.

OOC: It's Alaska, not Brydog in Earth 2.

The Secetary of State Robert Fullerton read the letter, and showing the letter to the President.

To: The Empire of Canada
From: The Republic of Alaska

Dear Sir or Madam,

We shall attend this meeting to discuss the matter of the repeling of certain laws in your nation. We hope that these talks can be productive.

Signed,
Robert Fullerton
Secretary of State

Yuri Romanovski
Secretary of Internal Affiars

John James Charest sat down at his desk on the fourth floor of the capitol building in Montréal. He was the Provincial Governor of Dnalkrad, the largest of the Empire's five provinces though it was also the least populated. Situated in the northeastern corner of North America that ran from the borders of Quebec and New York all the way up to the north pole. Most of the Province of Dnalkrad was uninhabited there were just thirteen people per square kilometer in the massive province. The overwhelming majority of its border was shared with the Roman Empire, particularly the empires of both Ontario and Canada. Since the Empire of Ontario split in late 2007, the Empire had been watching it closely. Thus far though, nothing had come to bear that was could present a serious hazard to the sanctity of the Empire. However, when the Rhinoceros Party won the elections later that fall, the Empire of Ontario suddenly became secondary to the Empire of Canada in terms of importance. The Empire saw the Rhinoceros Party as a serous threat and when it was elected to the parliament, the Empire of Canada suddenly became a potential threat to the Empire.

When Gurd announced the first acts of Parliament in early spring, there was absolutely no approval coming from the Empire. The legalization of recreational drugs, the legalization of prostitution, and the emphasis on sex throughout the nation set off dozens of alarms and bells across the Empire. These laws opened up a wave of problems for the Empire, who shared a border so long it was simply impossible to completely monitor at all times. It was a sealed border with outposts frequently placed but in the most remote regions, where the population was effectively non-existent, it was impossible to watch every place at every time. The invitation for a Layartebian representative to meet with Gurd concerning these laws was not met favorably. Regardless, despite the obvious objections between both the Empire and the Canadians, they shared a large enough border that they couldn't simply be dismissed.

Official Communique

http://www.forsakenoutlaw.com/Graphics/Nation-States/General/seal.png

Priority: High
Recipient: Prime Minister Yo Gurd
Origin: Empire of Layarteb - Ministry of Foreign Affairs
Classification Level: Encrypted
Subject: Recent Legislation


The Empire has accepted your invitation for talks concerning the recent acts of Parliamenty in the Empire of Canada. The Empire shall be sending the provincial governor of Dnalkrad, John James Charest, to these talks.

Sincerely,
The Minister of Foreign Affairs


Classification Levels

Standard: Standard classification is the normal level of encryption. It is equivalent to the standard levels of encryption seen on most secure e-mail clients.

Confidential: Confidential classification is a higher level of encryption than "Standard" but it is not heavily encrypted. It is used mostly for flash traffic to foreign countries and requires some additional decoding time. It uses 512-bit RSA encryption methods and has several key ciphers that change unpredictably.

Secure: Secure communiques use 1024-bit RSA encryption and several key ciphers within them that change unpredictably to ensure that message traffic is not hacked or decoded. Access to said messages would require heavy cracking software and significant resources but it is not "uncrackable." It can be a viable level through 2010.

Encrypted: Encrypted classification is the second highest level of classification. It is uses 2048-bit RSA encryption and multiple key ciphers within it to ensure that cracking it would take such a significant amount of time to accomplish that, should it be done, the message's usefulness would have already expired. Though anything is crackable, because of the methods employed, this level is often considered "uncrackable" by current capabilities. To ensure revolving protecting, ciphers and encryption algorithms will change unpredictably. This level is sufficient until 2030.

Maximum: Maximum classification is the highest level of classification available. It uses 3072-bit RSA encryption and multiple key ciphers that change unpredictably. It can provide protection past 2030.

Experimental: Currently not a fully recognized level, experimental denotes a category using 15360-bit RSA encryption and multiple key ciphers that change unpredictably. It is not in full operational use as of yet.

.

OOC: I'll be attending, just don't want to write a formal thing. Shall we meet in this thread or elsewhere?

OOC: I'll be attending, just don't want to write a formal thing. Shall we meet in this thread or elsewhere?

OOC: This thread.

EDIT- does anyone know if Soviet Bloc is active? I meant to invite him as well but I'm not sure about his availability.

OOC: This thread.

EDIT- does anyone know if Soviet Bloc is active? I meant to invite him as well but I'm not sure about his availability.


OOC: He's not.

Gurd was crafty. Everything about the delegations’ arrivals was choreographed for maximum effect. He made sure he had the lawn maintenance crew out mowing the lawn while naked just as the delegates were scheduled to arrive, along with a few politicians just outside the main entrance having a marijuana break under orders to offer a smoke to the incoming delegates. A rave was also scheduled on Commons grounds.

http://www.geocities.com/dadothegreat2003/ReginaParliament1.jpg
http://www.geocities.com/dadothegreat2003/ReginaParliament2.jpg
http://www.geocities.com/dadothegreat2003/ReginaParliament3.jpg
The Canadian House of Commons, Regina, Saskatchewan

However, not everything that happened during the visit was planned. Clarissa Williams, the Canadian Finance Minister and a very busty blonde woman, approached Gurd and the delegates wearing nothing except her panties. Gurd had to amend the public nudity law to require MP’s and anyone entering Commons grounds to wear some sort of a “bottom” for sanitary reasons (so as not to muff up the seats), but it didn’t stop the decidedly feminist Williams from going topless. She had to talk to Gurd about economic growth but was interrupted by Valerius.

“Hello, and who are you?” asked Valerius to Williams.
“I’m Clarissa Williams, the Canadian Finance Minister,” replied Williams.
“Well, that doesn’t speak well for the Canadian economy if their Finance Minister can’t afford any clothes,” cracked Valerius.
“I beg your pardon! What kind of a chauvinistic pig are you?” retorted Williams, “I chose not to wear any clothes!”
Gurd interrupted the pair by whispering into Williams’ ear. “You know you’re talking to the Emperor of Rome, do you not?”
Williams, now embarrassed, opened up her arms and thrust herself onto Valerius, giving the Emperor a very big hug. Valerius went along with it even though he was unwilling.
“Oh, I’m sorry…I didn’t realize you were just joking,” continued Williams, still embracing the Emperor, “I voted for you because you were very funny and good at putting people in their place…you get a lot of things done…I’m so sorry…”
“Thank you,” replied Valerius as Williams finished her hug. “I appreciate your support.”
Williams then turned her attention to Gurd and told him when he was done with the delegates he needed to talk to her about Canada’s surplus and what to do with it. As she turned to leave a delegate from Ontario shouted out to her.
“Hey! Where’s my hug?!” quizzically asked the young male delegate.
“You don’t get one,” retorted Williams, who briskly walked away.
When Williams was out of earshot, Valerius cracked again. “To quote the great Mel Brooks…‘it’s good to be the Emperor’”.

As the delegates proceeded on their way, Ontario Consul John Tory asked Valerius about the hug. “It was always my understanding that, since you’re an Emperor that you never touch royalty,” said Tory. “Clearly Ms. Williams violated that rule.”
“John”, started Valerius as he slapped his hand firmly on Tory’s shoulder, “those are such antiquated views. As you understand being an elected official, you cannot appear to be guarded or unapproachable because people want to think they’re electing ‘their friend’. As much as I’d like to think people elect politicians based on merit alone it’s just frankly not true and it makes sense if you think about it- would you, as a voter, vote for someone who you feel you can’t talk to nor listen to you?”
Tory smirked, knowing Valerius isn’t exactly the easiest person to work with but chose to keep that to himself. “The hug, though,” he belaboured.
“Friends hug,” replied Valerius matter-of-factly. “I let it go…I’m not big into them myself but if someone wants one I’ll give one to them…especially from someone like Ms. Williams.” Valerius ended his statement with a grin.

The delegates then moved on to the first room Gurd intended to show them- the Legislature floor. The delegates saw a debate for a preliminary reading for a farmer’s aid bill the Rhinos were crafting after a drought in Alberta left a lower crop yield last year than expected. The debate was rather intelligent and productive which impressed the delegates, but what caught their eye more was the attire of the MP’s. Gurd encouraged his MP’s to be “extravagant” in their attire for that day and he wouldn’t be disappointed- there was an assortment of Hawaiian shirts, sports jerseys, ripped jeans and other casual outfits on display, as well as other MP’s (male and female) who took Williams’ lead in wearing nothing but their underwear. One MP- Jeff Singletary of Camrose, Alta., a long-time advocate for the homeless in Edmonton- stood out as his outfit was nothing but an elongated cardboard box with holes cut out for his head and arms. Predictably, even though MP’s for the Liberals and Progressive Conservatives- the only other parties to win seats in the Canadian election- were also allowed to wear whatever they liked they wore suits, forbidden from changing by their party leaders. “I think our old politicians are too stuffy,” remarked Gurd after seeing the perplexed glances of the delegates. “Clothes mean nothing if you have nothing to offer on the political scene.

“By the way, if any of you want to you are fully allowed to loosen up your collars and jackets if you’d like. You can be free here in the Commons.” Some of the junior delegates started to do so only stopping upon seeing the steely glares of their superiors.

The other stops the delegates made on their tour varied. Some were the rudimentary ones- the ministry offices, the press conference rooms, other boardrooms, the Legislature lounge- to the absurd, including a gong shop, a brothel and a converted gift shop that sold souvenir condoms, pipes, other drug paraphernalia (but no drugs- Gurd still had to determine how they would be sold) and paintball guns in addition to the other souvenirs that the delegates had expected to be there, including hockey jerseys, paperweights and plush toys.

The room that left the greatest impact was the reception hall, where Gurd had scheduled a rave. Since it had a lot of notice (plus Gurd provided buses and rail service to bring many from across the country) the room and the adjoining outside area were packed despite the fact it began in the afternoon (and wouldn’t end until the next morning).

“This is loud,” squirmed Duceppe, who did not enjoy this type of music. “So, Francois, how often does the government hold raves?”
“I still haven’t figured that out yet,” replied Gurd. “I want to make these events special, plus I want to ensure the reception hall can be used for other events like a concert or a ball.”

Just then, one of the ravers approached the delegation.

http://www.ishkur.com/pixe/pixie.jpg
Tinkerbell the raver

“Happy rave!” said the raver to Gurd, whom she also gave a hug.
“To you as well,” beamed Gurd in reply. “I’m sorry I don’t have my bracelets or else I would have given one to you.”
“That’s okay. You coming out later?”
“Of course, I wouldn’t miss this for the world.”

The delegates watched in perplexed silence, unsure of what to make of the raver’s attire. “So, what’s your name?” asked Tory to the raver, eventually breaking the silence.
“I’m Tinkerbell,” replied the raver, whose real name was Mary Clark. “You’re John Tory, right?”
“Yes I am.”
“I didn’t vote for you. I think you’re too stuffy.”
“I appreciate your candour. I should say I have nothing against raves…whatever keeps you young people out of trouble and having fun is fine with me. Tell me Tinkerbell, how old are you?” Tory didn’t think she was old enough to vote.
“I’m 19! I know, I look younger…but I can vote! And drink! And drive!”
“Just don’t do both at the same time.”
Tinkerbell groaned. “I know…you sound like my dad.”
“Well, your dad is just looking out for you and so am I. I want you to enjoy a long, prosperous happy life…and maybe vote for me one day.”
“Aww…thanks for caring.” She proceeded to hand Tory one of her many bracelets.
“Anyway, we have some business to take care of. It was nice meeting you Tinkerbell.” Tory extended his hand for a handshake but instead got a hug. When the delegates exited the rave, Valerius joked to Tory, “I thought you were royalty.”
Tory laughed. “Well, I am now.”

A few minutes and one flight of stairs later, the delegates were in their conference room, ready to discuss politics with Gurd.

“So that is the new look Canadian Legislature,” started Gurd. “I hope you all at least found it interesting and we hope it shows you that it doesn’t matter how governments ‘look’ or ‘run’ just that they get the job done.

“That being said, it is time for me to get a job done and get down to business. I’m sure the topic on all of your minds is the Canadian Government’s proposal to legalize recreational drugs and prostitution. We have not yet finalized such a law although we have decriminalized such acts. We are already working with Roman border patrol officials to ensure none of the drug or sex trade leaves Canada but we would also like our neighbours’ input on the matter so that we can ensure our border is air tight on this matter. That is our biggest concern- that because of our liberalism Canada becomes a haven for people in other countries to break their nation’s laws and we would like to avoid that. We would also like to discuss diplomatic and economic relations with you all.

“I’m going to open the floor for questions. Who would like to begin?”

Yuri and Robert looked at each other. The tour was a strange one for a place of government. Yuri was the first one to speak. "My question is, are the secure are the borders on your side. Our government wishes to know if we have to the majority of the duties, in layman terms, are your law enforcement using drugs on duty." That was one the questions that the Alaskan government wondered.

OOC: I'll get up a colorful reply from the Layartebian delegation tomorrow. I'm exhausted, been up since 04:00 hours [my time]. I like the setup.

"Look at this. It's like a three ring circus. Nudists, drugs, all sorts of debauchery. I cannot believe the Romans are standing for this. What a detrement to their history. I can see now, fifty, a hundred years from now, this will be the defining point in the Roman culture, a point when a generation looks back, ashamed of its roots and of its hertiage." John James Charest, the provincal governor of Dnalkrad said to his aide, upon entering the chambers of the Commons. "Such vile debauchery." He added as he and his aides and immediate support staff entered and moved forward in line, to be both greeted and announced. In tow were three aides and a pair of diplomatic bodyguards and the six of them were some sort of oddity in the chambers. They wore sharp, business suits, with clean appearances and professionalism oozing from their pores. What they stepped into, on the other hand, was something out of a hippie festival. They were not the least bit impressed and Charest had to tell himself that he represented the Emperor, or else he would have left.

Teddy Goldberg was an Idaho native and former two-time Mayor of Twin Falls. Originally from the north of the state he had made his living down south in local politics before moving into the national game with a twice won seat in the House of Representatives. After that he set his sights on Governor and had since been re-elected once. His prescence in Rome was necessary now due to their strange politics that had led them to elect a party whose members should have been in a mental home, rather than running a sizeable region.

Beside Goldberg stood Joe Coburn, the Washington Governor serving his first term. Coburn was young, 39, compared to Goldberg's 51. He was new to the game but he was a sharp operator.

Coburn and Goldberg were accompanied by the two Senior senators for Idaho and Seattle, Sean Tucker and Tom Katzenberg respectively.

For now the four men and their respective bodyguards were greeted and announced by what amounted to a bunch of nutcases. What they saw was a shock, and they noted the expressions on the faces of the Layartebian delegation aswell.

For Hirgizstanians such behaviour was not acceptable anywhere in the country, especially not in the halls of politics and governance. The COH never sought to influence the internal policies of other countries but if the Romans were to carry on as such then tourism and trade would be banned or curtailed.

Tourism was the major kicker. Already nearly every large travel agency in the country had signed up to an Industry-backed boycott of Rome which would mean hundreds of millions, perhaps billions in lost revenue. Roman citizens were being equally watched closely upon entry into the country and already the number allowed visas had been cut by 2 Million. They were warned on entry by ICE Officers that they were now to abide by Hirgizstanian law which would not tolerate many of the things recently allowed in Rome.

The legalization of certain banned substances in Rome had also led to palpatations in the HSE and in state markets throughout the country. Roman goods made up a significant amount of trade and having to step up searches of cargo at border checkpoints meant delays and higher costs. So far no drugs had been found but the harsh penalties in Hirgizstan meant that any being found could hurt trade unbeleviably badly in one fell swoop.

The four men took their seats and were still looking uncomfortable in the strange atmosphere as the Alaskan delegation opened with questions.

OOC: Alaskan

OOC: Noted and edited.

OOC: Hirg, just to clarify those things are happening in Canada only (and this "Canada" doesn't include Ontario). The nation is independent (as is Ontario)- they're in a diplomatic, economic and military alliance with Rome (it's a bit old and needs updating but the link to the "Roman Union" in my signature will show how I've organized my territories into separate countries, of which Rome is the most powerful). Essentially, the "Roman Empire" is like the RL British Commonwealth, only a bit more united.

The practices and laws of Rome and Canada are substantially different- in Rome, the only drugs you can buy are caffeine and alcohol. Prostitution is also illegal (a carryover from the RL Rome).

IC:

Yuri and Robert looked at each other. The tour was a strange one for a place of government. Yuri was the first one to speak. "My question is, are the secure are the borders on your side. Our government wishes to know if we have to the majority of the duties, in layman terms, are your law enforcement using drugs on duty." That was one the questions that the Alaskan government wondered.

Gurd was quick to respond.

"Our law enforcement officials are forbidden from using any substance while on duty, and impaired driving is illegal. That part of Canadian law has not changed at all and nor will it."

OOC: Hirg, just to clarify those things are happening in Canada only (and this "Canada" doesn't include Ontario). The nation is independent (as is Ontario)- they're in a diplomatic, economic and military alliance with Rome (it's a bit old and needs updating but the link to the "Roman Union" in my signature will show how I've organized my territories into separate countries, of which Rome is the most powerful). Essentially, the "Roman Empire" is like the RL British Commonwealth, only a bit more united.

The practices and laws of Rome and Canada are substantially different- in Rome, the only drugs you can buy are caffeine and alcohol. Prostitution is also illegal (a carryover from the RL Rome).



OOC: Gotcha.

OOC: Gotcha.

OOC: Doesn't bother me if you don't want to trade with the Roman Empire anymore (well okay, it does but I understand :D)- I just figured I'd clarify that what's happening in Canada is just in Canada, not across the entire Empire.

OOC: Yeah, its likely trade will still suffer in North America though, as well as tourism if this wacky administration continues.

Regina, Saskatchewan

Valerius wasn't surprised at seeing all the bemused faces in the room...he didn't think his more conservative colleagues would look too kindly on a country that seems to be making a name for itself in debauchery. He had hoped that they'd at least see the responsibility Gurd was showing in holding this conference in looking to control the debauchery but, as he predicted, the leaders' values had blinded them.

"Well, I can't say that I would run a country like this or that I like the country like this, but 'like' is not a reason to shut a country down. The country must work and you have shown that it does," started Valerius. "I do have one question for you Mr. Gurd: what controls are you going to be placing on the prostitution and drug industries? You certainly aren't going to let both run amok, are you?"

"That's an interesting point Your Highness," replied Gurd. "We're planning on a license system similar to institutions serving alcohol. We thought of nationalizing both industries but we did not want to 'restrict the market'...we feel that if we had licenses then it would force vendors to adhere to a certain standard, as well as give police more leeway to shut down unlicensed practices and give a venue for patrons as well as the 'servers' to issue complaints. We are hopeful that providing users and servers protection in this area will steer away any possible 'underground' business from developing.

"Any other questions?"

Edmonton, Alberta

While the politicians were meeting in Regina, in the heart of conservative Alberta whispers began to circulate about creating an independent country. As Ralph Klein put it in his victory speech after winning a fourth consecutive majority government in the province, "this isn't exactly the Canada we thought we were getting."

One of those disgruntled Albertans was a man by the name of Ben Cooper, who bestowed himself the title of "Professor Pterodactyl". An ardent Creationist, Cooper contended that some 6,000 years ago humans used pterodactyls as early airplanes. "It's written somewhere in the Bible," Cooper has contended, "albeit where escapes me at the moment." His amusement park just outside of Calgary was meant to illustrate this very point.

Cooper, however, had a different plan for removing the "loonies" (as he called them) from power: he knew that if he could get Creationism taught in schools he might make the Rhinos look so foolish that Valerius would have to declare them incompetent. Then, he thought, Alberta can secure its own independence, maybe take over the rest of Canada and put Creationism in the public schools where it belonged.

He would begin his journey by writing a letter to his local MP, urging his fellow Creationists to do the same. They didn't have a huge voice in Canada, but over the coming weeks he determined to work hard to organize them into such a force that Gurd and his loonies won't ignore him. Then a bad hangover won't be the only headache that the Rhinos will get.

Brownsville, Texas

"Sir, Prime Minister Gordon Wells of Hawdawg just had a heart attack," reported Consular Secretary Mike Willis to his superior, Consul M. Marcus Gratius.

"Thanks Mike," replied Gratius. "Inform the Texan Legion that they're going to have to hit the road again." The Texan Legion, the army responsible for taking Texas and allowing it to be handed over the Hawdawg, had been sitting in Brownsville acting as the large port's defence and administrators as well as being an "on-call" force should the Romans need extra bodies anywhere in the world. Now they would be faced with the task of defusing anarchy once again, a task that won't be easy but one they were experienced enough to handle.

"This one's for Gordon...he wouldn't want it any other way."

Roman troops ready to reclaim Texas

BROWNSVILLE (RFP)- The Roman Empire gathered the Texan Legion today here at the port to officially assign them the task of retaking the State of Texas for Rome one more time. The State descended into anarchy after the sudden collapse of Hawdawg due to Prime Minister Gordon Wells' sudden cardiac arrest, and Roman Emperor Valerius IV Maderia took no chances with the key port nearby, ordering additional troops to the port for protection and claiming Texas in the name of Rome.

"PM Wells was a dear friend to me," said Valerius in a conference call from Regina where he is currently attending a summit with Canadian officials. "He told me that should anything happen to his homeland, he wanted us to come in and protect it. Today we fulfill that obligation."

No word has yet been given on the exact details of the expansion plan, but it is expected that Rome will secure the Rio Grande Valley first- where they have a border- before pursuing northward.

Regina, Saskatchewan

"Your Highness, there is something I need to discuss with you," said Duceppe to Valerius in a break during the summit. "These Koryaks you detained...we cannot accept that."

Valerius was puzzled. "What Koryaks are you talking about? I know of no such thing."
"Don't be foolish with me Caesar. You know exactly who I am talking about."
"I don't know how I can. I haven't met every single Koryak."
Duceppe, agitated, continued on. "Anyway, there is no way I can support you detaining innocent civilians under the vague notion of 'national security'. They must be accused of a crime first, upon which there is a basis for detention. Arbitrary incarceration just leads to chaos."
"Yes, Gilles, I know. I passed Grade 5 Law. Do you actually have anything to tell me? I am not interested in a classroom lecture."
"Quit playing dumb with me, Valerius!"
"Forgetting your manners I see. That's reaalllly going to make me want to listen to you now."
"The security certificate you are holding those two Koryaks at Port Hardy is un-Canadian and I will not stand for it!"
"What is and isn't 'un-Canadian' isn't a concern of mine. What is a concern of mine is the Roman Empire, and your friends- who are not Canadians anyway- are a concern of the Roman Empire."
"I'm sorry, but you cannot just ignore our country's problems just because they are not convenient.
"You make a critical assumption, Gilles."
"...and what is that?"
"That I care."

Duceppe grimaced but decided to soldier on. "It is in your best interests to care, Emperor. Otherwise, Canada will no longer be subject to your rule."
Valerius kept his cool. "You act like you have a choice in this matter. You don't."
"Says who?"
"Says me and the Roman Army, of which you have no comparison."
"You won't hear the last from me, you can bet on that."
"I'll make sure I put my house on that. Fortunately I have a couple, gotta have a backup plan." Valerius then continued sternly. "You are biting off more than you can chew, Gilles. I suggest that if you want this relationship to go well that you tread the water gently, because right now you're about to drown...and don't expect a paddle."
"Fortunately for me, I know how to swim."
"Fine. We can discuss this at a later point, but be warned- if you are looking for a fight you can only lose."
"I shall see about that."

Arkangelsk, New Komi Republic

The days after the collapse of the Cottish Realm provided nothing but uncertainty. While, in hindsight, the collapse appeared obvious due to months of inactivity, when it happened no one really knew what to think. There wasn't an analyst in the world who could explain why a country that was so powerful could vanish so suddenly, but history is full of states whose time in the Sun went from noon to midnight in mere minutes, and this would prove to be one of those cases.

In its place, several new states would spring up. Two of these was in the Karelia Republic (which signed a protectorate agreement with Rome the day of its independence) and an area now called the "New Komi Republic", formed out of the territories of Arkangelsk and Komi. The Komi saw the new republic as a new beginning, free- in their minds- of the tyrannical Cottish regime, but despite being in a sleepy part of the world, they were determined to be anything but.

It was here in Arkangelsk that, several months after the collapse of Cotland, Andrei Rhizmev, the brother of Yuri, decided to journey deep into the shady new Republic. It was there where was told he would meet someone named "The Master", the proclaimed leader of the Komi and someone he was told would help him rescue his brother from the clutches of the Romans at Port Hardy. The Master was a renowned expert in terrorism, someone the Koryaks went to frequently to plan their attacks against the Romans (including the Piazza del Gerani attack) and while Andrei wasn't after something quite that extravagant, he was certain The Master would be able to help. In front of him would be a nearly 300 mile journey from the port to the capital of Komi in Syktyvkar, deep in the heart of the Russian tundra.

"If the Romans think the Koryaks are the terrorists, they ought to look in the mirror," Andrei said to himself, "and if they don't have one, I'll be glad to provide one."

"You may come in." The Master was a formidable figure, a portly but domineering man who commanded respect the instant one gazed their eyes on him. Being who he was, he didn't bother to turn around so that Andrei could be given the chance to see who he was.

"Master," started Andrei, "I have a problem."
"Doesn't everyone?" snorted the Master.

Andrei sighed then continued. "I know, I am probably not the only person who comes to you for a solution to their problems; but I want you to understand that I come from the heart. The Romans have taken my brother, for being nothing other than a Koryak."

The Master rolled his eyes. "Another one who wants to deal with the Romans...guards!"

"No! Wait!," Andrei pleaded. "You are my only hope- I have not the ability to undertake this task on my own. Furthermore, together we can take down the Empire".

"You expect me to believe that?" retorted the Master.

"Allow me to explain," continued Andrei. "The Romans captured my brother and his friend on something called a 'security certificate', meaning that they are considered 'threats' to the Empire and can be held in custody without charge. This flies in the face of any democratic institution, of which Rome purports to be. There's already reports that Canada is willing to separate from Rome over the spat...if we strike at Port Hardy, we can strike at the legitimacy of the Empire and deal a death blow to the Empire's reign in Canada, their most profitable landmass."

"Come with me," said the Master, tentatively warming up to the idea (knowing that one prison raid wouldn't be enough to destroy an empire but he liked where it was going), "and we'll get started."