NationStates Jolt Archive

The Blub Colony on Juno VII was really springing to life. There were streets, houses and office buildings. Of course, it being a planned settlement, everything was neatly laid out. No home was more than a few minutes drive from a store or hydrocarbon station, and the offices and businesses all had ample parking for the clusters of little Blub cars that now drove through the streets.

The cars were mostly hover vehicles using a silent-running fan system that filtered the wind through special vents, which caused none of the typical 'blow back' associated with hovercraft. Every house had a sattelite dish or reciever tower, which were constantly recieving signals from the sattelites placed in orbit by a team of Blub engineers.

The Blubs were going high-tech, but remained quite communal and social. They had saved enormously on defense spending when Generia basicly bought their space fleet for them, and much of the surplus had gone directly into community development. Despite being quite wealthy, the Blubs still gathered on weekends at parks and other social spots to re-aquaint with friends and relatives.

There was a Blub fire department, a Blub city planning agency, Blub city engineers and even a few Blub police, who were pretty much never sought upon to do any work. Disputes would invariably end in harmless wrestling and squabbling afterwhich they would make up, and murder was totally unknown on Juno VII.

There was of course the concern of outside attack, but with The Blubnought floating out there in space, security was pretty well taken care of. The Blubs had a military too, with a ground army, a space fleet, space and wet marines, and even a blue water navy was in the works to protect the oceans of Juno VII.

Blub Engineers were hard at work designing new toys for the military, while a special team was carefully taking ideas from various equipment the Blubs had bought from outside sources, and applying it into a home-grown spacecraft design. The testing was taking place now.

((This may actually entertain me. Lemme go get a recliner, some popcorn, and a beer really quick.))

Test Facility #3, Blub Aerospace Proving Grounds

It was an odd-looking spacecraft. Sort of rounded like a football with a cockpit dome, a ridged back, two gunpods near the nose and a set of sensor rods just alongside the guns.

And now, it sat on an open runway near the base of the mountains, north of the Blub Colony. This was designated, Area 51 and was off-limit to those without security passes. In a bunker nearby, a team of Blub engineers tinkered with a set of duplicate controls. They would be driving the prototype remotely.

The engines started up, purring with fine Blubbish engineering. Then it entered free hover mode, lifting up off of its landing skids and wobbling slightly. After a moment of diagnostics, the Blubs declared the prototype a success, and began to manuver it through the air, testing the agility of the craft. A few loops and rolls determined that it was highly agile, and finally it sat down on the runway again.

The Blub team emerged out of their bunker and approached it. After examination, it was deemed fit to serve. One Blub poked his head into the engine compartment, and when he pulled out his face was black with engine soot. *sneeze* It works!

The Blubs cheered.

((Dude, I think you should market this and make it a T.V. show. You'd entertain everyone across the world.))

((I think I'll join))

From the depths of space, a small Chivvay-class assault cruiser tesserected into the Juno system. Onboard, the crew seem to be in total disarray.

"Captain! We popped up in a system thingie!" yelled the makeshift tactical officer. "There's also a whole bunch of dots all over the booping screen with the rotating line thingie!"

The captain groaned and planted his head in his hand. Why did they give me the retards? Why?!

"Sir, this is the engine person," came a voice on the comm. "The transport-us-via-folding-space-because-we-can machine broke, and there's this faint humming sound coming out of the cracks."

There was a sudden WHUMPH!

"Scratch that, it's gone," came the voice again.

The captain broke down, sobbing. He then lifted his head up to the ceiling.

"Why did they have to give me the retards?! Why, gods?! Whyyyyyyyyyy?!" The captain broke down, slumping himself into a fetal position on his chair.

OOC: The BA1 Blub Fighter-Bomber is now available. :) http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?p=11677072#post11677072

Test Facility #2, Blub Ground Combat Proving Grounds

The Blubs were now gathered around a cluster of ground vehicles. There were two different types, all quite similar except for their purpose. They were built around the engines and hover fans, with slanted and armored bodies.

The one on the left mounted a turret and main gun as well as heavier armor. The one on the right had somewhat lighter armor, but had a large rocket-launching system with over sixty individual tubes as well as a side-mounted launcher for heavier missiles.

The Blubs were arguing over which design should 'the' main tool of the Blub military for front-line combat. Some of the Blubs argued for the rockets with their long-range strike capability, while others noted that the fighting would eventually come closer, and there a main gun and armor would help.

Meanwhile
Across the base, there was a low-slung tracked vehicle parked in the middle of a testing zone. Scattered all around were cardboard and plastic stand-ups of storm troopers wielding weapons in various poses. Here and there were 'innocents', such as children or nuns, and even a few cardboard cut-outs of kittens.

This was the first test of the Mobile Blub Deployment Vehicle, or MBDV for short.

The overseers gave a green light.

The engines on the MBDV revved up, and it pealed out, tearing into the testing area. Its side-mounted rocket launcher fired out canisters, which bounced along the ground before exploding into huge balls of smoke. The MBDV drove directly into the smoke, using it as cover to approach the 'battlefield'.

It emerged on the far side of the cloud, and the armored top of the vehicle slid back to reveal its launcher tubes. In twos and threes, it began to fire. Out came pods, which flew through the air in pre-determined directions.

Fifteen feet off the ground, the pods would split open, and out came a Blub wearing a jetpack, goggles, a helmet (WWI Doughboy style helmet) and carrying a rifle. The jetpacks ignited, and the Blubs landed safely, already spraying down the enemy targets with bullets.

The MBDV continued onwards, still spitting out pods. Soon, thirty or so Blubs were on the battlefield, ripping the enemy cardboard cut-outs to shreds. Several of them grabbed the nearby 'innocent' cut-outs and carried them back towards the waiting vehicle.

With other Blubs covering, they loaded up. The last to board was a handsome young Blub carrying a cardboard cut-out kitten, and glaring fiercely at a nearby stormtrooper that had its cardboard head blown off.

The doors closed, and the MBDV withdrew.

The Blubs watching the demonstration cheered wildly! The Blubs were truely a force to reckon with now.

Orbit of Juno VII

Onboard The Blubnought, a sensor Blub chittered. "Unknown contact, bearing five-five-four, range six million kilometers. I think they just lost their engines."

The Captain nodded, and squeaked a command to the navigator. "Set course for contact. communications hail them and see if they are in distress!"

Very professional. The Comm Blub opened a frequency with the unknown ship, chattering away in Blubbish, which was automaticly translated to the disabled ship.

"Greetings, this is the Juno System. We are the Blubs, and you're quite close to us. We request to know your name and intent. Also, if you require assistance. Please reply if possible. If you are unable to reply, signal with your guidance lights."

Orbit of Juno VII

Onboard The Blubnought, a sensor Blub chittered. "Unknown contact, bearing five-five-four, range six million kilometers. I think they just lost their engines."

The Captain nodded, and squeaked a command to the navigator. "Set course for contact. communications hail them and see if they are in distress!"

Very professional. The Comm Blub opened a frequency with the unknown ship, chattering away in Blubbish, which was automaticly translated to the disabled ship.

"Greetings, this is the Juno System. We are the Blubs, and you're quite close to us. We request to know your name and intent. Also, if you require assistance. Please reply if possible. If you are unable to reply, signal with your guidance lights."

The captain stopped crying, hearing the voices of other intelligent life.

"Comms!" he yelled. Over at the comm station, there was an overweight man in only his boxers and a wife-beater, wearing his standard officers cap. He was covered in food, and the entire console was as well, followed by the floor for about five feet around him. The captain picked up a rolling beer bottle off the ground near his chair and chucked it at the sleeping hick. "Wake up, fatass! It's time to do your job!"

The bottle conked him on the head and the man woke with a start, and then started choking. This went on for a minute until the fat comms officer hocked up a half-eaten doughnut. He then pressed a button, which turned on the communications array.

"Greetings. I am Captain Carsmut of the Copen Armed Forces training division. We come in-"

"OOOOOOH! Can I say something, sir?! Can I can I can I can I can I can I?!"

"Be quiet!" There was an audible slap of newspaper on flesh, followed by a THUMP as something hit the ground.

The captain returned to the transmission. "Screw the formalities. Listen, can you tow us in to the nearest starport for repairs, please? Before I eject my crew via the unpressurized trash chute?"

The Blubnought

The bridge crew blinked at the return transmission and looked at each other for a moment or so. What an odd encounter. The Captain finally nodded consent. A few minutes later, a pair of shuttles were launched, which engaged their engines and set out for the crippled ship.

A few hours later, they would arrive and attach towing cables. And then, begin to tow it back towards Juno VII.

After about a day of towing, the crippled ship would arrive over Juno VII. It is manuvered into place, and a docking ring attached. A bridge is extended, and soon.. there's a soft tapping on the hatch of the strange ship. *knock knock*

Humanoids get boring, don't you think?

http://media.battlestarwiki.org/images/6/62/TOS-galac.jpg

The Cassiopeians liked exploring, but everytime they would find a new civlization, something would blow up. This led to the development of a new ship, a grand ship. A ship that would probably be able to kill things. Maneuverable, fast, sexy, and it looks like the Battlestar. But that's because the Battlestar is sexy, and it turns me on... right I'll stop. But yes, this new ship, the umm... DontPissUsOff Class Battlecruiser, or DPUO for short. This was the first built of its class, the CNS DontPissUsOff. It went forth, armed to the teeth.

Armed with what you say, well...

Point defense laser things! They're green and they cut and they can be adjusted to any level, like in Star Trek but better looking. There's like nukes too, lots of nukes... lots of them! I don't know how many but there's a lot and umm... we have fighters. And I think there's some rail cannons there, I dunno... point is it can kill you.

There weren't many of these of course, since the Commonwealth didn't explore that much. Nevetheless, we had them and well... it's more of a plot device then anything else. But it was a good looking one. The inside is nice too, it was like... spacious and um, it had MANY ADVANCED FEATURES such as replicators and auto dressing machines. Now, you would probably want to know how they are possible, well, I have no idea. But gosh darn it, it doesn't matter. Also, we have industrial sized replicators that replicate nukes that fired.

Yes it is wanky, but I don't care 'cause this is a plot device! For all I care I can have it have a superlaser that spawns kittens of death.

You know what? I think I will have it have a superlaser that spawns kittens of death.

And who flew this majestic ship? It was Admiral Jimmy Dean, for lo, that is the first name I can think of. He was in an Admiral's uniform, duh. It looked like a US Admiral Uniform thing, I bet you didn't know that. Well, now you do. And then there was like Marines everywhere and ah funk I dunno, I'm rambling.

The CNS DontPissUsOff dropped out of warp/hyperspace/stopped going really fast and appeared outside the Blubs' Homeplanet. The Admiral didn't know they were Blubs but he knew something was alive down there. What was alive he didn't know, but he would know. I think.

Jimmy raised his brow. "... so, new lifeforms. And it appears they seem civilized. But I want all weapons online, if they're using those space daggers we're gonna glass them until that becomes a swan."

"Why not a a naked man?" An Ensign asked.

Jimmy paused. "Well..." He took out a blaster pistol and shot him in the leg, pew pew pew! "That's why."

"SCREW YOU, MAN!" The Ensign shouted as he grabbed his leg.

Jimmy stood up with a crazed look in his eyes. "Open the channels of communications, and give me a sammich!" The channels were open. "Hello there lifeforms, we are the CNS DontPissUsOff of the Cassiopeian Comomnwealth. We come in peace and we seek new life. But if you happen to drive large star daggers that are white and have horrible weaponry, then I'm afraid we must kill you."

He paused. "It's nothing personal, but it seems that every civilization that uses these large daggers seem to want to kills us for no reason and well, the Government is a bit paranoid. So errr, answer!"

The Communications Officer cleared his throat. "Sir, I don't think that was proper. We're trying to avoid war, remember?"

Jimmy coughed. "We're just kidding! We won't nuke you if you drive large daggers, we'd probably just be very angry but we don't want war, OH MY GOSH DON'T DECLARE WAR ON US."

"Smooth."

"Shut up whore."

Juno VII

Down on the planet, the Blubs at the city council building looked at each other as the message was played for them. A few scratched their heads in confusion. Why were there so many crazy people showing up in their sector lately?

The council head Blub lifted a tentacle over a panel, which had two buttons on it. One labeled "WAR" and the other labeled "NO WAR". As the message progressed, the Blub frowned and brought the tentacle closer to the WAR button. Then at the end however, when the strangers declared that they didn't want a fight, the Blub brought the tentacle down on the NO WAR button with a soft 'beep'.

A message would soon be relayed back up to the ship,

"We don't fly .. dagger things. We're not even sure what they are. Since that seems to be all that your message contained, we would like to know what is it that you want from us currently. We are a peaceful colony, not a warlike one."

And as though to back up the 'we-like-peace' message, The Blubnought arrived with the other strange ship in tow, and applied a docking collar to the crippled ship to render aid.

The upon the knocking, the door fell inward and a slosh as some vile liquid flowed out of it. Actually, it wasn't that vile. It was just the fat man's piss.

Anyways, the captain sloshed his way out of it, breating in the air from the other side. "Air! Fresh air! I'd forgotten what it...felt...like..." He then promptly fell on his face in the liquid, passed out.

"They don't fly the daggers!"

"Woo!"

And lo, a party erupted aboard the ship. It was a different kind of civilization, a civilization that didn't use Star Destroyers. A civilization that didn't use Jedi, or Sith, or anything from Star Wars. A civilization who liked peace. Peace! Oh what a rare commodity in this universe, I heard it goes as high as twentyfive hundred a pound! (You see what I did thar? I compared it to an actual resource, funny no?) But alas this one had it plentiful. Something might not go boom, for once.

Jimmy sighed happily. "Woo!" He shouted. "We're not gonna die, we're not gonna die, we're not gonna die..."

"Shouldn't you reply?" The Com Officer said.

"Shut up whore, errr... wait the channel is still on. Okay um, okay then! We come in peace, where might we hold this meeting so our two civilizations may make peaceful contact?" Jimmy said. "Your choice."

He then mumbled to himself. "That looks like a giant tuning fork..."

The Blubnought

The Blub 'Marines' looked at each other as the fellow fell over in a puddle of wee. Frown. One gestured, speaking Blubbish, "Go ahead, drag him in." The other frowned even deeper, "No way. You drag him in."

The first huffed, "I'm your superior officer!" , "Nuh uh! We both joined at the same time!" , "But.." , "Nuh uh!" The two looked down at the passed out human again, then called for a mover bot.

A minute later, a bot normally tasked to loading ammunition or working the cargo bay would scoop the fellow up and take him to sickbay. He'd get cleaned up there.

The captain would wake up.. with a bright light in his eyes. As his vision clears, he sees two Blubs ... staring at him with their eyestalks from overhead, leaning over. One is touching a stethescope to his chest and looking thoughtful. Another has one of those shiney round things over one eye, peering into the captain's open mouth.

Reply,

"You may land a shuttle at <coordinates>, landing pad seven. You will be met by a delegation, which will discuss terms of negotiations or open embassy exchange. Or, whatever is on your mind."

The captain looked from side to side after waking up.

His first thought: I hope they didn't anally probe me like the last bunch did.

Meanwhile, back on the ship, the crew had dragged out a bunch of tapes and DVDs and were watching movies and TV shows, like Barney, Dora the Explorer, and Space Balls, not even bothering to repair the ship.

The fat man, however, had passed out again, a twinkie half eaten in his mouth, a beer in the other hand, and a TV remote sitting on his belly.

Space

Onboard the human ship, the crew would be joined by a handful of Blubs who would also watch the television with them. Munching on snack foods, and chattering among themselves now and then.

Meanwhile, the captain would be deemed 'healthy enough' and given a communicator to phone home with. The Blubs don't drydocks or places to make repairs. The human would have to get help out here to Juno.

The very long fighter pods thing bay door stuff crap random noun opened. If you wanna know what those are it's like the really long phallic things to the side of the ship, well, one of them opened. And what came out, it was this (http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a354/nihongaz/cricketclass.jpg) thing. It's actually 20 meters wide and there's no phoenix underneath, it's all silver. Inside was the Admiral and five Marines. The Marines were dressed like modern day Marines except... more futuristic like. They were armed with E-11s because well, I'm not that original.

The shuttle flew majestically across the large expanse of space and whatnot and landed on the pad. As such Jimmy the Admiral stepped off, flanked by his Marines.

He looked to his left, and to his right. He nodded his head. "Well, we're here. Let's see where these folk are."

One of the Marines were like bouncing up and down. "Yah yah yah yah, I can't wait to shoot somebody, yah yah yah."

"Thug life!" Another one shouted.

The commanding Marine, a Sergeant, sighed. "I had to be stuck with the pyscho and Tupac..."

Blub Colony, Juno VII

It's quite a modern little spaceport. Stepping off the shuttle meant stepping into a skybridge connecting them to the terminal. Waiting inside is a small group of Blubs, who peered up at the delegation curiously with those eyestalks. Blink,blink,blink.

One held up a translator and began speaking, "Welcome to our homeworld. I am Blub. What can we do for you?"

Space

Onboard the human ship, the crew would be joined by a handful of Blubs who would also watch the television with them. Munching on snack foods, and chattering among themselves now and then.

Meanwhile, the captain would be deemed 'healthy enough' and given a communicator to phone home with. The Blubs don't drydocks or places to make repairs. The human would have to get help out here to Juno.

The captain thanked the Blub doctor and took the communicator.

As he returned to the ship, he heard a noise come from it. He took off running, passing a few random Blubs here and there, and continued running until he reached his ship.

In an exact replica of Spongebob's voice, he gasped, then yelled, "OH NO!"

The site before him was the TV on. It was impossible to unglue his crew from the TV. And they were watching...oh gods...it couldn't be! The Maury Povich's Head show!

The captain dropped to his knees, screaming out to the gods. "Nooooooooooooooooo!"

One of his crewman came up and gave him a Dr. Pepper and a Twix, which promptly shut him up.

OOC: Uhm. A Blub wouldn't do that. At all.

((OOC: What are you talking about? *shifty eyes*))

And of course, the Blubs ate snacks and watched television, while The Blubnought transmitted the human captain's message out into space for his allies to recieve and then hopefully come pick up the fellow and his crew.

And this is the reply that was returned to the Blubs.

"The number you have dialed is not in service. Please hang up, and don't try calling it again. Thank you, douche."

The Captain, in the meantime, had been pacified, constantly being fed Dr. Pepper and Twix every time he was about to go into a fit of terror and screams.

In the meantime, the twinkie that had been in the fat man's mouth had decided that it was going to change into something completely different, in which case that certain something ended up being a a half-eaten peanut butter sandwich.

OOC: Aww shucks, I think I'll join in. Deuce, minor diety of Arts and entertainment. Yes. this should be fun. Especially seeing him lead a space ship.

It came from far away, and even though one cannot hear in space, it was still obvious there was some pretty heavy base going on in that ship. The ship. It resembled a flying Tour bus more than any sort of a space ship. It was all decked out in black, and had the word Deuce on the side. It was painted in Starlight silver. It stopped short of the planet, and the various ships and broadcast a message.

"Hey homeboy, we're new to this territory. Mind telling us where this is? don't be no Square sucka now." Came the voice of a man that sounded almost exactly like the basterd child of both Samuel L. jackson and Michael Jackson. Just from that one line, anyone could envision him as he was. Wearing a studded red leather jacket and matching pants. white sparkly shoes and black socks. Pale black skin, brown eyes, and a big afro with a pick in the top. As a matter of fact, that was what he did look like at this very moment.

The man turned to another being near him. This being was Grey, and had blue eyes, like the valuble Aquamariine Jewel. It had no body, but was actually a big 6 foot octopus creature, with a mouth on top of its tentacles.

"Shlezay man, think I should show them what jokes are really all about?" The man asked the octopus creature, actually known as an Aquamarinian.

"Lord Deuce, your decision is your own. Just please don't drag me into any improprieties." said Shlezay, who was a very proper Aquamarinian creature and not prone to Joking. In fact it had been medicly determined that this one was actually born without any form of a sense of humor. Thus he was perfect to watch over a chaotic entity like Deuce.

'Mann, why you gotta be so square all the time?" deuce asked.
"For the same reason you insist on acting like such a child all the time, lord." Shlezay said.

"Thats cold man, cold." Deuce said laughing.