Stone Ageistan
02-09-2006, 13:04
Grand Ayatollah Ahmadullah slowly raises his glass to his parched, crusty lips sipping from it delicately. The water had been sitting out for an hour now and offered little relief from the sweltering mid-day heat. Glancing around the room, the Ayatollah gauges the reactions of his assembled staff seated around the conference table. He’s a brilliant man, but his brilliance is hindered by his deep-seeded suspicion towards his followers. He has maintained power for twenty years through fear and intimidation, and while he thought he had routed out all rivals and conspirators long ago, he can never let his guard down. His black judging eyes successively stare into each of those of his staff. Every moment was a test of loyalty, and though he was merely drinking water, in his mind, the weight of his authority would not be diminished by this sign of weakness towards the heat. Silently placing the glass down he spoke,
"It's clear then that God demands the man's execution. We'll have to execute his family as well. The next item on the agenda is yours General Ardebili."
General Ardebili, Minister of Foreign Affairs and one of the Ayatollah's favourites, shuffles a few papers in front of him and leans forward, "Sir, we've been studying foreign newspapers for the last 6 months and have noticed a sharp decline in mentions of our great Republic in them. In fact, last month saw no mention whatsoever. Other nations in our region are all over the headlines. We need to boost our international standing somehow or we'll simply drop off the map."
"Hmm...," the Ayatollah darts glances around the room, "anybody have any comments?"
"Perhaps keeping a low profile is a better idea, sir," chimes in the Minister of Agriculture, "it will give us more freedom to maintain our nation's devotion to God and stamp out heresy. International powers seem to have no end to their judgements and their evil demands for us to institute ungodly practices like democracy and religious freedom."
"No," the Ayatollah responds, "international eminence is important. We just have to use it in the right way; bend it to our will to get what we want from the infidels. General, what have those other nations done to get the infidels' attention?"
"Well sir, a certain oil-rich nation has nationalised its oil industry driving prices up and throwing those evil materialists' economies into chaos."
"Minister al-Hakim?" asks the Ayatollah granting the Minister of Energy Resources permission to respond.
"We don't have much oil, sir" answers the Minister of Energy Resources, "and our industry is already nationalised."
"Continue General," says the Ayatollah with a hint of annoyance.
"Another nation purchased some weapons-grade plutonium from the black market raising alarms all over the world. They are now demanding free economic aid."
"How about that General al-Sistani?" asks the Ayatollah to the Supreme Commander of the Military.
"Well," he answers, "Weapons-grade plutionium is hard to come by and expensive and.."
"This is absurd!" the Ayatollah interrupts slamming his fist to the table, "we have no oil, we can't afford a little plutonium... you Ministers are completely ineffectual! I'm tired of negative responses! Anybody have a suggestion that they know we can do?” The Ayatollah's dark eyes again dart around the room forcing his staff to look away. He face grows red with anger.
“We… umm,” the Minister of Transportation’s voice cracks, “uhh… we could just say we have weapons-grade plutonium… I doubt the international community knows enough about us to know for sure it’s a lie… and uhh… with our already extensive underground bunker system they’ll have a hard time with surveillance.”
“Excellent!” the Ayatollah exclaims clasping his hands together, “but better yet, we won’t tell them we have plutonium, but that we have an actual nuclear weapon! Mr. Fadullah, see to it that the Minister gets an extra 3 wives in his harem tonight.”
“Yessir,” responds the Minister of Women’s Affairs squiggling a note on some papers.
******************************************
Later that week, General Ardebili releases the following statement to the international news agencies:
The Republic of Stone Ageistan is announcing the acquisition of an atomic weapon. Though the Republic is a peaceful nation and seeks only to be left alone to follow the commandments of God, we have sought this weapon as a means of protection from the hedonistic, immoral infidel nations that seek to enslave our people and slander God. And by His infinite grace and mercy our scientists were guided to the weapon’s completion. We demand our international debt be forgiven and free economic aid be given to help improve our nations energy and infrastructure development. It is unfortunate that we had to resort to this for fair treatment and freedom from your oppression. Praise be to God!
"It's clear then that God demands the man's execution. We'll have to execute his family as well. The next item on the agenda is yours General Ardebili."
General Ardebili, Minister of Foreign Affairs and one of the Ayatollah's favourites, shuffles a few papers in front of him and leans forward, "Sir, we've been studying foreign newspapers for the last 6 months and have noticed a sharp decline in mentions of our great Republic in them. In fact, last month saw no mention whatsoever. Other nations in our region are all over the headlines. We need to boost our international standing somehow or we'll simply drop off the map."
"Hmm...," the Ayatollah darts glances around the room, "anybody have any comments?"
"Perhaps keeping a low profile is a better idea, sir," chimes in the Minister of Agriculture, "it will give us more freedom to maintain our nation's devotion to God and stamp out heresy. International powers seem to have no end to their judgements and their evil demands for us to institute ungodly practices like democracy and religious freedom."
"No," the Ayatollah responds, "international eminence is important. We just have to use it in the right way; bend it to our will to get what we want from the infidels. General, what have those other nations done to get the infidels' attention?"
"Well sir, a certain oil-rich nation has nationalised its oil industry driving prices up and throwing those evil materialists' economies into chaos."
"Minister al-Hakim?" asks the Ayatollah granting the Minister of Energy Resources permission to respond.
"We don't have much oil, sir" answers the Minister of Energy Resources, "and our industry is already nationalised."
"Continue General," says the Ayatollah with a hint of annoyance.
"Another nation purchased some weapons-grade plutonium from the black market raising alarms all over the world. They are now demanding free economic aid."
"How about that General al-Sistani?" asks the Ayatollah to the Supreme Commander of the Military.
"Well," he answers, "Weapons-grade plutionium is hard to come by and expensive and.."
"This is absurd!" the Ayatollah interrupts slamming his fist to the table, "we have no oil, we can't afford a little plutonium... you Ministers are completely ineffectual! I'm tired of negative responses! Anybody have a suggestion that they know we can do?” The Ayatollah's dark eyes again dart around the room forcing his staff to look away. He face grows red with anger.
“We… umm,” the Minister of Transportation’s voice cracks, “uhh… we could just say we have weapons-grade plutonium… I doubt the international community knows enough about us to know for sure it’s a lie… and uhh… with our already extensive underground bunker system they’ll have a hard time with surveillance.”
“Excellent!” the Ayatollah exclaims clasping his hands together, “but better yet, we won’t tell them we have plutonium, but that we have an actual nuclear weapon! Mr. Fadullah, see to it that the Minister gets an extra 3 wives in his harem tonight.”
“Yessir,” responds the Minister of Women’s Affairs squiggling a note on some papers.
******************************************
Later that week, General Ardebili releases the following statement to the international news agencies:
The Republic of Stone Ageistan is announcing the acquisition of an atomic weapon. Though the Republic is a peaceful nation and seeks only to be left alone to follow the commandments of God, we have sought this weapon as a means of protection from the hedonistic, immoral infidel nations that seek to enslave our people and slander God. And by His infinite grace and mercy our scientists were guided to the weapon’s completion. We demand our international debt be forgiven and free economic aid be given to help improve our nations energy and infrastructure development. It is unfortunate that we had to resort to this for fair treatment and freedom from your oppression. Praise be to God!