The Greatest Crap
24-08-2006, 06:46
"What is it, King?"
"How is the preperation going?"
"As good as possible, King. We just need to get 1 more Mutation Protection Suit delivered to the remnant recovery team and we'll be ready to test it!"
"Great to hear, the suit will arrive their in fifteen minutes. And has the safety inspector finished up?"
"He will be in just ten minutes or so."
"Good. Oh, and one more thing, Teryes, do you want to hear something funny?"
"Ok."
"So these two guys walk into a bar, right?"
"Sounds good so far."
"So they come in, and...."
"And....?"
"THE WORLD EXPLODES!! HAAHAHAAHAHHA!!!"
<SCENE ND ALL COPIES DESTROYED. REASON: He just continues on for a minute or so repeating that again and again. If you like that kind of "humor", if it can be called that, go stay in a insane asylum. NOW.>
<Note: We do not endorse going to a insane asylum and being locked up if you're not insane in actuality.>
As Teryes Hakbatanyai (pronounced: er-yes ha-k-ba-tan-yay) put his thumb over the hang-up button, the King made motions such as, from what Teryes could see on the screen, clapping, poking the screen, shooting a gun, dancing, and some others in an sttempt to show Teryes he had something else to say.
"What? Please tell me it's not another poop joke that's just 'POOP POOP POOP POOP'. It hurts to even imitate it like that....."
"No, it's what I actually what I mean't to ask when I called at first."
Teryes wondered about why he forgot, why he didn't remember sooner, why he didn't get whatever it is out of the way in the first sentence of the conversation.
"What is it, King?"
"Did you get the Radiation-Spreading Prevention Module yet?"
"No, why do you ask?"
"It's required for the test, since we don't want Radiation Monsters pouring out the tanks, now do we?"
Teryes knew that the answer from anyone with any sort knowledge of them would be 'YES! YOU KNOW HOW HOSTILE AND VIOLENT THEY ARE!". And that would be his aswell, but with more emphasis on the immense danger part. Mainly because he had an encounter with the creatures when he was 18 years old and attending The University of King Freaky Mutant Man The Fourth with only an IQ of 120 as opposed to his now current one of 34000 out of a total of 1 gazillion.
The story, incase you're interested, goes like this. Basically, some Radiation Monsters were running about the neighberhood, and all students were required to stay inside until the military could deal with the creatures before too many casualties occur. Well, young Teryes didn't know what the hell Radiation Monsters were because he slept during the time at Environment class when they learned about them, and decided to go out into the yard to skateboard on the trees.
Five minutes after he wandered outside, he was attacked by 3 RMs. They at first tortured him by waving their hands on his stomach, because contact with their skin hurts whoever else contacts it with their skin except other RMs. However, they eventually starting scratching him harder and harder over time, which hurt much more as it got harder than just using their skin. And then, they started the the real pain by singing that song that has chorus that goes like "And you had a boyfriend, that looked like a girlfriend", and they made it even worse by slowing starting to only sing the damn chorus, and suring all of that singing, though while physical harm stopped, the song managed to physically hurt more than the clawing, and the mental pain was enough to make Superman lose his powers as though Kryptonite were jabbed in his mind.
After this had gone on for 30 minutes, Teryes was just about to bite the dust when a squad of 5 military soldiers came and caused the RMs to turn their attack at them. Granted, the soldiers didn't manage to kill the RMs and instead died themselves because of the singing attack, but it did allow Teryes to escape back into his dorm.
And incase you're wondering, adult RMs are generally 3'4 feet, have 3 horns on the back of the head, have only fangs for teeth, have very sharp and pointy claws on their hands and feet, are bi-pedal, glow green, emit powerful radiation when it knows it gonna die if it gets hit hard one more time in an attempt to atleast live alittle longer, have really bad skills at singing, and make the worst poetry in the solar system and the 10th worst in the universe.
"Yes, I wouldn't want that." replyed the 30-year-old Teryes after a minute of remembering all that.
"Well, it needs to be inserted before the pointy-thingy, but since it's already inserted, all you can do is send some trained specialists to the target site and have them protect the remnant recovery team from the creatures."
"Understand, King!"
"Good, and please, call me King of All Things Awesome. King sounds boring."
"Ok, King of All Things Awesome!!"
"I hope it goes well, King of All Things Awesome out!" And the King hung-up.
Teryes went to inform Commander Ulitzqudeck MeccaLecca of all of this. Ulitz (For short just so I don't have to type the first name all out again) was worried from it, and decided to ask Teryes about it.
"What was with him constantly repeating that world exploding joke?" he asked confusingly.
"How the hell should I know?" answered Teryes, with a hey-why-do-you-think-I'll-know-jackass kind of look on his face.
Ulitz left it at that and didn't bother to answer Teryes before he walked out the door, and proceeded to announce the problem on the speaker system.
"We will be sending the specialists to the target site immediately. TimJimBob, please inform the remnant recovery team of this."
Ulitz called up Specialist Squad 45*FR and told them the problem and what they would need to do.
"Sure, I barely ever get to pump some firepower into those creatures, and I've wanted to ever since King Freaky Mutant Man The Third got killed by a terrorist group of RMs, and I'll pursue killing them, until I kill the terrorists that killed him." eagerly answered the elderly but one of the most athletic in the army since 1970, and also one of the most badass soldiers in the army since 1972.
<SCENE PULLED. REASON: This thing is going off-track alot, and it's making it less and less funny as we go along and way too long. And since this was not funny, off-track, and really long, we decided to cut it out and put it on the dvd.>
As soon as the specialists arrived and the suit arrived at the remnant recovery team's position and was put on by the naked guy needing it, the launch team got mostly everything else into place to launch the nuclear missle.
Oh, and I forgot to mention, but this is a nuclear missle facility. I didn't say it before because I thought it would make it better and more suprising. Obviously, I was being an idiot at that time. Shoot me, but after this is over, ok? Ok.
Ulitz watched from a silo platform as the missle got pushed on a cart by stereotypical strong guys, and locked into place to prevent it from tipping over and breaking. He pulled out a megaphone from hammerspace, and held it up to his mouth.
"Everyone ready?" he asked into the megaphone. When everyone said they were, he started the countdown.
"10..9..9..9..1..2..3..1..0..0..0.........ok on zero you guys were supposed to launch it." he said angrily.
".........wut?" a stupid person stupidly asked.
"Ok, he isn't able to work on these projects anymore. Guards, please make him leave...." And they did.
"Fire!"
The engines started, making so much noise it made the deaf people nearby be able to hear, despite the fact that it's very illogical. Soon the missle was flying out of the silo and into the Missle Direction Changer's range. However, instead of directing it to the target site like it was programmed to, it directed it back towards the silo.
"And then he said, 'That's not my wife, that's an eye!'-OH NOES! THE MISSLE IS..IS...IS..." he said in a cliched panicly manner.
The missle hit the bottom of the silo with the pointy part, bending the tip and tipped through the left wall and into the cafeteria. However, it didn't explode.
The scientists inside the cafeteria were confused as to why the missle came back to the facility. Suddenly, the pointy part launched off and crashed into the wall, impaling a scientist.
"Oh great, my labcoat is stained with blood AND I'm stuck to the wall." the impaled scientist said to himself.
"Anyone mind getting this thing out of my body?"
However, nobody paid attention to him, as 10 small figures were walking out of the missle from where the pointy part was just seconds ago. Most of the scientists were scared enough to poop their pants and did.
And by the way, even though I'm pretty sure you know what walked out and I don't need to explain what they are, some people are stupid enough not to figure it out the instant the pointy part launched off, so I'll explain it to those people. They're Radiation Monsters, obviously.
Anyway, the RMs went straight to killing scientists. They didn't bother with the impaled guy, as they felt it wasn't honorable to kill somebody that's stuck to a wall and impaled.
"Hello? Could you creatures mind pulling this out of my body?" asked the impaled guy. However, once the other scientists were dead, an RM walked up to the impaled guy and put a note in his hands and left without even bothering to get the pointy part out of him.
"Jackass!" he yelled at the RM as he left. "Let's see, what does this note say...."
Dear impaled guy,
We cannot pull the pointy thing in your body out because we don't know how to as we never attended that class. We are sorry for the inconvience this has caused you.
Your pal,
Seawyan Cartman
The RMs entered the hallways, and killed more scientists, also killing the birthday clown, some Toads from the Mushroom Kingdom, some guy on the toilet, and stole fffiiivvee Golden Rings. It was by this time that Teryes, holding off the RMs with a grenade launcher, a shotgun, a machine gun, and a Klobb (only if he runs out of everything else), got the idea to call in a professional to deal with it. He looked in the phonebook, and found what he needed, and went straight to calling the place up, despite the priceyness of it.
"Hello?" answered a lady at the other end.
"Well, we need assistance ASAP in dealing with Radiation Monsters, as they killed 400 people already-"
"What did you say they were?" asked the confused lady. Teryes went on with an explanation of Radiation Monsters, which took an half an hour.
"There you go, now if you don't mind I need to get get someone here ASAP, and now it's worse here because now 900 have died total currently. Wait, make that 901, but I need to hurry this up, ok?" he informed the lady.
"Ok, the price can be from 50,000 to 500,000 pounds, will you pay via PayPal, credit card, debit card, or cash/check mail order?"
"Can I pay later? It's too hard to pay while fighting off these creatures, ya know!"
"Sure, who will pay in the event of your death?"
He decided to just choose a random person in the facility still alive. "Jimmy Bunyon, just ask for him while in the facility, ok?" he answered.
"Ok, we'll be sending out somebody ASAP. The person will call up once in range to inform you of where the person shall arrive or for you to permit access if needed. Thanks for choosing M16, we hope you'll work with us again!" she said as he hung up. Teryes then focused again only on staying alive and keeping others alive.
Meanwhile, Ulitz was himself fighting to stay alive aswell, using random corpses as tools to throw at RMs and to use as a shield, his own bad musical skills, a big wooden hammer, his own bad poetry (which is the 6th worst in the universe, only because it's more well-known, though), his Mystery Science Theater 3000 tapes (only used as a last resort, as he self-taped them and he has every episode ever and only one copy of each), his cup of urine (he is one of 50 lifeforms in the universe that knows that urine versus RMs is like holy water versus demons), and Rudolph's laser nose (will not admit to it, as Santa and Mrs. Claus are threatening to hunt down the kidnapper once he is found out til he is killed, even if the kidnapper returns Rudolph or is rescued, hunting will continue).
He decided to check the conditions of workers to see which have been killed. He chose to check Jimmy Bunyon first.
"Jimmy?"
"Yes?"
"Good, your not dead!"
"Duh. I don't think anyone would get the idea a Radiation Monster just decided to imitate a dead guy, ya know."
"Anyway, how are you doing? Have you been hurt?"
"Well, not really, if you don't count BEING IMPALED AND STUCK TO A WALL BY THE POINTY PART OF A MISSLE AND NOBODY PULLING IT OUT OF MY BODY AS BEING HURT!" Jimmy angrily shouted.
"Whoa, whoa, take a chill pill-"
"AGGGHHHH!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES THATS BEEN SAID TO ME IN MY LIFE?!?!?!?!? AS MUCH AS IT NEEDS TO DRIVE A MAN INSANE, THAT'S HOW MUCH!!! RAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!"
"I'll get that thing out of you as soon as I take care of the 100 or so RMs outside my door waiting to kill me, ok?"
"100? I thought there were only 10. I saw that many come out the missle."
"Umm.....I think some of them mated, I don't know why and I don't want to know why, and I don't know how the offspring were born that quick and grew up to adulthood that fast aswell. Anyway, I think we need to destroy every RM, obviously, and also make sure to destroy any possible sources of offspring, like nests and eggs if they're born that way, if they are born live like humans, then we only need to kill every RM."
I would like to take this moment to explain something to angry fictional-animal-rights activists who don't get that fictional animals don't need protection from poaching and are in fiction for any purpose the author wants. Here's why you shouldn't be angry, crazies that may or may not be actually real: It's fiction, so these animals can just be reused again and again, and plus, RMs are not actually natural species, they are produced from radiation clouds whenever the Radiation God wants them to be created. Wait, I have learned that these kinds of people don't exist, so I didn't need to do this. I just wasted part of my life, then. And I spoiled the suprise, damn it! Anyway, back to your scheduled RP.
"Ummm, I'm pretty sure that I knew how to eliminate them before you told me."
"Whatever, try to not go insane during this, allright?"
"Sure."
As Ulitz turned off the communicator, he went back to killing the RMs outside his door, which just grew in numbers to 110, forgetting to check on other personnel.
Meanwhile, Teryes was fighting still, this time gaining a rocket launcher from the corpse of that clown from earlier. As he was fighting, he received a call from an in-range ship (hint hint), and answered it.
"Hello?"
"This is the guy you called for. Where do I need to land? I can't find a landing pad on the outside."
"Land in the silo. A helipad will come out of the wall if you say 'Earthworm Jim' when your asked for the password. You can't land at the bottom because the missle crashed back there and apparently tipped over into the cafeteria. When you land, you'll find an elevator that will take you to the bottom of the silo in the direction of the red arrow. Go through the hole in the wall into the cafeteria and follow the bunch of footprints glowing green, as those are the footsteps of the Radiation Monsters. They'll obviously direct you to the RM who made them. Try to keep our personnel safe from harm, and try to find any sort of eggs if they're born that way and destroy them. Obviously, kill all RMs you find."
"Ok." and he hung-up. Teryes then went back to killing RMs.
Meanwhile, Jimmy Bunyon, aka Impaled Guy, was doing his best to not go insane.
Who would win in a fight, I've always wondered, Goku or.......uuuummmm........who was it.......Goku? That's awesome, but I'm sure that's not the one I was wondering about all these years. Was it-
As he was wondering about this mind-boggingly stupid question, a man in a tuxedo walked in.
"Hello! Say, could you get this thing out of my body?"
"Eh?"
"Well, see, I was in the cafeteria, when that missle crashed through the wall from the silo, I was right in front of it, staring at it while getting some food from the salad bar, and then it just launched off towards me, and impaled me and stuck me to the wall here. I asked others to pull it out of my body, but they were too busy dieing to do so. I asked an RM to pull it out since it was the only one there to ask, but all it did was write a note and give it to me. Do you want to read it? I think the thing was just making excuses for some reason." he said. The man read it, then handed it back.
"I-"
"Could you pull it out of my body?"
"I can't. I have a job to do, and I need to do it ASAP."
"Could you atleast put my lunch in a place where I can reach the food?"
"Umm, ok...." he answered. As soon as he did, he started to walk away, but Jimmy decided to ask something else.
"What's your name? I'm Jimmy Bunyon."
"The name's Bond. James Bond." he answered. And with that, he walked to the hallways, following the footprints the RMs left behind, as told.
As he walked through the hall, he spotted an RM wandering aimlessly through the corridor, back turned to Bond. Bond sneaked behind the RM slowly and attempted knocking it out with his fists. However, he was hurt by the skin of the RM. Quickly, Bond reached for his gun and shot the RM 3 times in the head, killing it.
<SCENE PULLED. REASON: If I described every way Bond killed an RM in this hallway adventure, this RP would be extremely long instead of really long, and I think that really long is the way to keep it.>
As Bond peeked at the right corridor, he noticed 150 RMs crowding around a door, and a guy outside the room was fighting them and retreating back into the room repeatedly. He decided to help the guy and took out the machine gun he took from the armory earlier and unloaded onto the RMs. As soon as they were all dead, he ran for the next hallway.
Ulitz, glad that the RMs were finally gone, rushed to the cafeteria to finally pull the pointy part of the missle out of Jimmy. He arrived, finding that Jimmy was attempting to eat his empty tray.
"Jimmy, please get that out of your mouth." he asked. Jimmy did. Ulitz then got to work on pulling it out. In 4 minutes, it was finally out.
"FINALLY!!" Jimmy joyfully screamed.
"Ok, I think it's time we escaped!"
"Agreed, the doctor's probably dead by now. Plus, he always was really bad at fixing these kinds of thing."
<SCENE PULLED. REASON: The escape, while exciting, was a whopping 10 minutes. We wish we didn't have to cut it.>
Once Jimmy and Ulitz got out, they triggered the mines they set, blowing up the facility, the RMs, the rest of the survivng personnel, and a piece of cheese.
Bond, 5 minutes before the mines were triggered, escaped in his ship. Teryes died. Now he plays in the band Angelriffic. Not much else to say, though later he also got an emmy for his Awesome Wars trilogy.
2 months after the incident, King Freaky Mutant Man The Fifth sent out a letter and a e-mail to random nations picked from a hat for their leaders, which reads:
Dear (insert name here),
An incident of varying importance/unimportance happened 2 months ago. Our Royal Investigative Team has seemed to have gotten an answer as to the cause. We wish to discuss this further with national leaders like you, the one reading this. If not, your nation's laws will decide your fate. If you are the leader, please fly over in ship to our space station, the S.S. Assassinator, we will conduct the meeting there. More info will be disclosed at the meeting.
From,
King Freaky Mutant Man The Fifth Of The Greatest Crap
P.S. I LOVE CANDY CANDY CANDY I LOVE DISCO DISCO DISCO I LOVE YOU ALL YOU ALL YOU ALL
OOC: If you managed to read all of that, and still want to join in, IM me. I tried to make this funny, but I think I failed at that. And incase you're wondering, I don't know how this got so long either. And in the topic title, what I mean't is that you atleast need a working spaceship to RP, preferably an FT one.
"How is the preperation going?"
"As good as possible, King. We just need to get 1 more Mutation Protection Suit delivered to the remnant recovery team and we'll be ready to test it!"
"Great to hear, the suit will arrive their in fifteen minutes. And has the safety inspector finished up?"
"He will be in just ten minutes or so."
"Good. Oh, and one more thing, Teryes, do you want to hear something funny?"
"Ok."
"So these two guys walk into a bar, right?"
"Sounds good so far."
"So they come in, and...."
"And....?"
"THE WORLD EXPLODES!! HAAHAHAAHAHHA!!!"
<SCENE ND ALL COPIES DESTROYED. REASON: He just continues on for a minute or so repeating that again and again. If you like that kind of "humor", if it can be called that, go stay in a insane asylum. NOW.>
<Note: We do not endorse going to a insane asylum and being locked up if you're not insane in actuality.>
As Teryes Hakbatanyai (pronounced: er-yes ha-k-ba-tan-yay) put his thumb over the hang-up button, the King made motions such as, from what Teryes could see on the screen, clapping, poking the screen, shooting a gun, dancing, and some others in an sttempt to show Teryes he had something else to say.
"What? Please tell me it's not another poop joke that's just 'POOP POOP POOP POOP'. It hurts to even imitate it like that....."
"No, it's what I actually what I mean't to ask when I called at first."
Teryes wondered about why he forgot, why he didn't remember sooner, why he didn't get whatever it is out of the way in the first sentence of the conversation.
"What is it, King?"
"Did you get the Radiation-Spreading Prevention Module yet?"
"No, why do you ask?"
"It's required for the test, since we don't want Radiation Monsters pouring out the tanks, now do we?"
Teryes knew that the answer from anyone with any sort knowledge of them would be 'YES! YOU KNOW HOW HOSTILE AND VIOLENT THEY ARE!". And that would be his aswell, but with more emphasis on the immense danger part. Mainly because he had an encounter with the creatures when he was 18 years old and attending The University of King Freaky Mutant Man The Fourth with only an IQ of 120 as opposed to his now current one of 34000 out of a total of 1 gazillion.
The story, incase you're interested, goes like this. Basically, some Radiation Monsters were running about the neighberhood, and all students were required to stay inside until the military could deal with the creatures before too many casualties occur. Well, young Teryes didn't know what the hell Radiation Monsters were because he slept during the time at Environment class when they learned about them, and decided to go out into the yard to skateboard on the trees.
Five minutes after he wandered outside, he was attacked by 3 RMs. They at first tortured him by waving their hands on his stomach, because contact with their skin hurts whoever else contacts it with their skin except other RMs. However, they eventually starting scratching him harder and harder over time, which hurt much more as it got harder than just using their skin. And then, they started the the real pain by singing that song that has chorus that goes like "And you had a boyfriend, that looked like a girlfriend", and they made it even worse by slowing starting to only sing the damn chorus, and suring all of that singing, though while physical harm stopped, the song managed to physically hurt more than the clawing, and the mental pain was enough to make Superman lose his powers as though Kryptonite were jabbed in his mind.
After this had gone on for 30 minutes, Teryes was just about to bite the dust when a squad of 5 military soldiers came and caused the RMs to turn their attack at them. Granted, the soldiers didn't manage to kill the RMs and instead died themselves because of the singing attack, but it did allow Teryes to escape back into his dorm.
And incase you're wondering, adult RMs are generally 3'4 feet, have 3 horns on the back of the head, have only fangs for teeth, have very sharp and pointy claws on their hands and feet, are bi-pedal, glow green, emit powerful radiation when it knows it gonna die if it gets hit hard one more time in an attempt to atleast live alittle longer, have really bad skills at singing, and make the worst poetry in the solar system and the 10th worst in the universe.
"Yes, I wouldn't want that." replyed the 30-year-old Teryes after a minute of remembering all that.
"Well, it needs to be inserted before the pointy-thingy, but since it's already inserted, all you can do is send some trained specialists to the target site and have them protect the remnant recovery team from the creatures."
"Understand, King!"
"Good, and please, call me King of All Things Awesome. King sounds boring."
"Ok, King of All Things Awesome!!"
"I hope it goes well, King of All Things Awesome out!" And the King hung-up.
Teryes went to inform Commander Ulitzqudeck MeccaLecca of all of this. Ulitz (For short just so I don't have to type the first name all out again) was worried from it, and decided to ask Teryes about it.
"What was with him constantly repeating that world exploding joke?" he asked confusingly.
"How the hell should I know?" answered Teryes, with a hey-why-do-you-think-I'll-know-jackass kind of look on his face.
Ulitz left it at that and didn't bother to answer Teryes before he walked out the door, and proceeded to announce the problem on the speaker system.
"We will be sending the specialists to the target site immediately. TimJimBob, please inform the remnant recovery team of this."
Ulitz called up Specialist Squad 45*FR and told them the problem and what they would need to do.
"Sure, I barely ever get to pump some firepower into those creatures, and I've wanted to ever since King Freaky Mutant Man The Third got killed by a terrorist group of RMs, and I'll pursue killing them, until I kill the terrorists that killed him." eagerly answered the elderly but one of the most athletic in the army since 1970, and also one of the most badass soldiers in the army since 1972.
<SCENE PULLED. REASON: This thing is going off-track alot, and it's making it less and less funny as we go along and way too long. And since this was not funny, off-track, and really long, we decided to cut it out and put it on the dvd.>
As soon as the specialists arrived and the suit arrived at the remnant recovery team's position and was put on by the naked guy needing it, the launch team got mostly everything else into place to launch the nuclear missle.
Oh, and I forgot to mention, but this is a nuclear missle facility. I didn't say it before because I thought it would make it better and more suprising. Obviously, I was being an idiot at that time. Shoot me, but after this is over, ok? Ok.
Ulitz watched from a silo platform as the missle got pushed on a cart by stereotypical strong guys, and locked into place to prevent it from tipping over and breaking. He pulled out a megaphone from hammerspace, and held it up to his mouth.
"Everyone ready?" he asked into the megaphone. When everyone said they were, he started the countdown.
"10..9..9..9..1..2..3..1..0..0..0.........ok on zero you guys were supposed to launch it." he said angrily.
".........wut?" a stupid person stupidly asked.
"Ok, he isn't able to work on these projects anymore. Guards, please make him leave...." And they did.
"Fire!"
The engines started, making so much noise it made the deaf people nearby be able to hear, despite the fact that it's very illogical. Soon the missle was flying out of the silo and into the Missle Direction Changer's range. However, instead of directing it to the target site like it was programmed to, it directed it back towards the silo.
"And then he said, 'That's not my wife, that's an eye!'-OH NOES! THE MISSLE IS..IS...IS..." he said in a cliched panicly manner.
The missle hit the bottom of the silo with the pointy part, bending the tip and tipped through the left wall and into the cafeteria. However, it didn't explode.
The scientists inside the cafeteria were confused as to why the missle came back to the facility. Suddenly, the pointy part launched off and crashed into the wall, impaling a scientist.
"Oh great, my labcoat is stained with blood AND I'm stuck to the wall." the impaled scientist said to himself.
"Anyone mind getting this thing out of my body?"
However, nobody paid attention to him, as 10 small figures were walking out of the missle from where the pointy part was just seconds ago. Most of the scientists were scared enough to poop their pants and did.
And by the way, even though I'm pretty sure you know what walked out and I don't need to explain what they are, some people are stupid enough not to figure it out the instant the pointy part launched off, so I'll explain it to those people. They're Radiation Monsters, obviously.
Anyway, the RMs went straight to killing scientists. They didn't bother with the impaled guy, as they felt it wasn't honorable to kill somebody that's stuck to a wall and impaled.
"Hello? Could you creatures mind pulling this out of my body?" asked the impaled guy. However, once the other scientists were dead, an RM walked up to the impaled guy and put a note in his hands and left without even bothering to get the pointy part out of him.
"Jackass!" he yelled at the RM as he left. "Let's see, what does this note say...."
Dear impaled guy,
We cannot pull the pointy thing in your body out because we don't know how to as we never attended that class. We are sorry for the inconvience this has caused you.
Your pal,
Seawyan Cartman
The RMs entered the hallways, and killed more scientists, also killing the birthday clown, some Toads from the Mushroom Kingdom, some guy on the toilet, and stole fffiiivvee Golden Rings. It was by this time that Teryes, holding off the RMs with a grenade launcher, a shotgun, a machine gun, and a Klobb (only if he runs out of everything else), got the idea to call in a professional to deal with it. He looked in the phonebook, and found what he needed, and went straight to calling the place up, despite the priceyness of it.
"Hello?" answered a lady at the other end.
"Well, we need assistance ASAP in dealing with Radiation Monsters, as they killed 400 people already-"
"What did you say they were?" asked the confused lady. Teryes went on with an explanation of Radiation Monsters, which took an half an hour.
"There you go, now if you don't mind I need to get get someone here ASAP, and now it's worse here because now 900 have died total currently. Wait, make that 901, but I need to hurry this up, ok?" he informed the lady.
"Ok, the price can be from 50,000 to 500,000 pounds, will you pay via PayPal, credit card, debit card, or cash/check mail order?"
"Can I pay later? It's too hard to pay while fighting off these creatures, ya know!"
"Sure, who will pay in the event of your death?"
He decided to just choose a random person in the facility still alive. "Jimmy Bunyon, just ask for him while in the facility, ok?" he answered.
"Ok, we'll be sending out somebody ASAP. The person will call up once in range to inform you of where the person shall arrive or for you to permit access if needed. Thanks for choosing M16, we hope you'll work with us again!" she said as he hung up. Teryes then focused again only on staying alive and keeping others alive.
Meanwhile, Ulitz was himself fighting to stay alive aswell, using random corpses as tools to throw at RMs and to use as a shield, his own bad musical skills, a big wooden hammer, his own bad poetry (which is the 6th worst in the universe, only because it's more well-known, though), his Mystery Science Theater 3000 tapes (only used as a last resort, as he self-taped them and he has every episode ever and only one copy of each), his cup of urine (he is one of 50 lifeforms in the universe that knows that urine versus RMs is like holy water versus demons), and Rudolph's laser nose (will not admit to it, as Santa and Mrs. Claus are threatening to hunt down the kidnapper once he is found out til he is killed, even if the kidnapper returns Rudolph or is rescued, hunting will continue).
He decided to check the conditions of workers to see which have been killed. He chose to check Jimmy Bunyon first.
"Jimmy?"
"Yes?"
"Good, your not dead!"
"Duh. I don't think anyone would get the idea a Radiation Monster just decided to imitate a dead guy, ya know."
"Anyway, how are you doing? Have you been hurt?"
"Well, not really, if you don't count BEING IMPALED AND STUCK TO A WALL BY THE POINTY PART OF A MISSLE AND NOBODY PULLING IT OUT OF MY BODY AS BEING HURT!" Jimmy angrily shouted.
"Whoa, whoa, take a chill pill-"
"AGGGHHHH!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES THATS BEEN SAID TO ME IN MY LIFE?!?!?!?!? AS MUCH AS IT NEEDS TO DRIVE A MAN INSANE, THAT'S HOW MUCH!!! RAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!"
"I'll get that thing out of you as soon as I take care of the 100 or so RMs outside my door waiting to kill me, ok?"
"100? I thought there were only 10. I saw that many come out the missle."
"Umm.....I think some of them mated, I don't know why and I don't want to know why, and I don't know how the offspring were born that quick and grew up to adulthood that fast aswell. Anyway, I think we need to destroy every RM, obviously, and also make sure to destroy any possible sources of offspring, like nests and eggs if they're born that way, if they are born live like humans, then we only need to kill every RM."
I would like to take this moment to explain something to angry fictional-animal-rights activists who don't get that fictional animals don't need protection from poaching and are in fiction for any purpose the author wants. Here's why you shouldn't be angry, crazies that may or may not be actually real: It's fiction, so these animals can just be reused again and again, and plus, RMs are not actually natural species, they are produced from radiation clouds whenever the Radiation God wants them to be created. Wait, I have learned that these kinds of people don't exist, so I didn't need to do this. I just wasted part of my life, then. And I spoiled the suprise, damn it! Anyway, back to your scheduled RP.
"Ummm, I'm pretty sure that I knew how to eliminate them before you told me."
"Whatever, try to not go insane during this, allright?"
"Sure."
As Ulitz turned off the communicator, he went back to killing the RMs outside his door, which just grew in numbers to 110, forgetting to check on other personnel.
Meanwhile, Teryes was fighting still, this time gaining a rocket launcher from the corpse of that clown from earlier. As he was fighting, he received a call from an in-range ship (hint hint), and answered it.
"Hello?"
"This is the guy you called for. Where do I need to land? I can't find a landing pad on the outside."
"Land in the silo. A helipad will come out of the wall if you say 'Earthworm Jim' when your asked for the password. You can't land at the bottom because the missle crashed back there and apparently tipped over into the cafeteria. When you land, you'll find an elevator that will take you to the bottom of the silo in the direction of the red arrow. Go through the hole in the wall into the cafeteria and follow the bunch of footprints glowing green, as those are the footsteps of the Radiation Monsters. They'll obviously direct you to the RM who made them. Try to keep our personnel safe from harm, and try to find any sort of eggs if they're born that way and destroy them. Obviously, kill all RMs you find."
"Ok." and he hung-up. Teryes then went back to killing RMs.
Meanwhile, Jimmy Bunyon, aka Impaled Guy, was doing his best to not go insane.
Who would win in a fight, I've always wondered, Goku or.......uuuummmm........who was it.......Goku? That's awesome, but I'm sure that's not the one I was wondering about all these years. Was it-
As he was wondering about this mind-boggingly stupid question, a man in a tuxedo walked in.
"Hello! Say, could you get this thing out of my body?"
"Eh?"
"Well, see, I was in the cafeteria, when that missle crashed through the wall from the silo, I was right in front of it, staring at it while getting some food from the salad bar, and then it just launched off towards me, and impaled me and stuck me to the wall here. I asked others to pull it out of my body, but they were too busy dieing to do so. I asked an RM to pull it out since it was the only one there to ask, but all it did was write a note and give it to me. Do you want to read it? I think the thing was just making excuses for some reason." he said. The man read it, then handed it back.
"I-"
"Could you pull it out of my body?"
"I can't. I have a job to do, and I need to do it ASAP."
"Could you atleast put my lunch in a place where I can reach the food?"
"Umm, ok...." he answered. As soon as he did, he started to walk away, but Jimmy decided to ask something else.
"What's your name? I'm Jimmy Bunyon."
"The name's Bond. James Bond." he answered. And with that, he walked to the hallways, following the footprints the RMs left behind, as told.
As he walked through the hall, he spotted an RM wandering aimlessly through the corridor, back turned to Bond. Bond sneaked behind the RM slowly and attempted knocking it out with his fists. However, he was hurt by the skin of the RM. Quickly, Bond reached for his gun and shot the RM 3 times in the head, killing it.
<SCENE PULLED. REASON: If I described every way Bond killed an RM in this hallway adventure, this RP would be extremely long instead of really long, and I think that really long is the way to keep it.>
As Bond peeked at the right corridor, he noticed 150 RMs crowding around a door, and a guy outside the room was fighting them and retreating back into the room repeatedly. He decided to help the guy and took out the machine gun he took from the armory earlier and unloaded onto the RMs. As soon as they were all dead, he ran for the next hallway.
Ulitz, glad that the RMs were finally gone, rushed to the cafeteria to finally pull the pointy part of the missle out of Jimmy. He arrived, finding that Jimmy was attempting to eat his empty tray.
"Jimmy, please get that out of your mouth." he asked. Jimmy did. Ulitz then got to work on pulling it out. In 4 minutes, it was finally out.
"FINALLY!!" Jimmy joyfully screamed.
"Ok, I think it's time we escaped!"
"Agreed, the doctor's probably dead by now. Plus, he always was really bad at fixing these kinds of thing."
<SCENE PULLED. REASON: The escape, while exciting, was a whopping 10 minutes. We wish we didn't have to cut it.>
Once Jimmy and Ulitz got out, they triggered the mines they set, blowing up the facility, the RMs, the rest of the survivng personnel, and a piece of cheese.
Bond, 5 minutes before the mines were triggered, escaped in his ship. Teryes died. Now he plays in the band Angelriffic. Not much else to say, though later he also got an emmy for his Awesome Wars trilogy.
2 months after the incident, King Freaky Mutant Man The Fifth sent out a letter and a e-mail to random nations picked from a hat for their leaders, which reads:
Dear (insert name here),
An incident of varying importance/unimportance happened 2 months ago. Our Royal Investigative Team has seemed to have gotten an answer as to the cause. We wish to discuss this further with national leaders like you, the one reading this. If not, your nation's laws will decide your fate. If you are the leader, please fly over in ship to our space station, the S.S. Assassinator, we will conduct the meeting there. More info will be disclosed at the meeting.
From,
King Freaky Mutant Man The Fifth Of The Greatest Crap
P.S. I LOVE CANDY CANDY CANDY I LOVE DISCO DISCO DISCO I LOVE YOU ALL YOU ALL YOU ALL
OOC: If you managed to read all of that, and still want to join in, IM me. I tried to make this funny, but I think I failed at that. And incase you're wondering, I don't know how this got so long either. And in the topic title, what I mean't is that you atleast need a working spaceship to RP, preferably an FT one.