NationStates Jolt Archive

The project... Operation: Fuufypants. The Cassiopeian Commonwealth was looking into this for some time. Of course, the Commonwealth has seen the folly of superweapons time and time and again. But this one was... different. Insane to the normal man. It would have the Death Star's size but it would be much more powerful. Two super lasers, a giant sword thing, hangers, a spinning MAC gun. Yes, it would hundreds (not really) of superweapons in its body. Its goal? Well, see, the Senate and Ministry of Defence didn't really plan that far but umm... gosh it can obliterated entire systems.

Its location was hidden, see there was a massive asteroid belt. But there were two large asteroid clouds so to speak. In one of them is where the Aralonians (allies of the Commonwealth) had a base. The other is where the beast was being built. One final meeting would occur before construction would truly begin.

The building wasn't a building perse, actually. It's just some random staiton. I won't take time to explain it since I'm LAZY. Who was there? Three men. The Royal Mining Company's CEO, Mr. Samuel Johnson. The engineer, Mr. Johnathon Hues. The man would be manning it... Grand Admiral Ben Dover. Heheheheheheh. Sorry.

The CEO cleared his throat. "Gentlemen as you can see, Operation Foofypants is a go. We have the materials, cash, and the men. And all you have to do is sign the official papers and buy it."

The Grand Admiral nodded. "I see, so your company is doing all the funding and whatnot? Well that's kindness from your part... for once. Well, I'd like to know what I'm commanding."

The engineer fidgeted around. "Well, err, Mr. Ben Dover, it's quite simple. This will the MAC cannon. These two here will have a laser powerful enough to destroy a sun and a planet. It will have thousands of point defense systems, and it will be shielded except... this area."

Ben raised his brow. "That area?"

"Fuel exhaust." Johnathon said. "If it was shielded well, it can be shielded but we decided to have a glaring weakness that is visible. Anyway, this area... in the back, purely hangers."

Ben leered into the designs. "There?"

The engineer nodded. "Yes... and there will also be some sort of laser sword. A gratuitous waste of money yes, but the Board of Directors thought it was cool. Now the power supply is this massive white crystal we found in one of the mines. Apparently from using the Archives, these Jedi from far away use them to power these so called lightsabers. But, what if you can make a big one? Yah..."

The CEO smiled towards Ben Dover. "See? And in fact we'll give it a test run! We'll destroy an uninhabited planet for you so you can see that it works. Then you can buy it. Any other questions?"

Ben Dover paused. "Hmm... nope."

"Excellent!" Samuel took out the contract thing. The Grand Admiral and CEO signed. The CEO stood up. "Great! The men should be working now. The pirates in the area have been cleared out. By the time it's done, it should cover half of this asteroid cloud. Well, if you excuse me..."

Today is the day that the hideous beast would be built, but who knew what would happen when it (http://www.tottelina.se/images/Hello%20Kitty%20mjukis.jpg) was built. I do, but you don't. So suck on that. Slut.

(Well this is invite only, you wanna join? MSN me or TG me. Also this thread is gonna be wanky and godmoddish to the extreme, but it's all in good fun.)

"Central, come in. This is of major importance! Over."

"What is it, Director Hastir? Over."

"Well, we seem to have-"

A weird screech came from Hastir Wafast's end of the communicator, confusing General Deatras Benreds.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Then all that could be heard was static. Pure, whole, tasty static.

The general was left more confused. Very confused. He was also slightly more confused at why they cancelled Space Ghost Coast to Coast and Strangers With Candy.

But at this moment, he was only being confused by what he had heard just now, not that his favorite shows were cancelled.

"Somebody get me the telecom microphone!" he requested.

"But it's on the file cabinet right behind-"

"Just go get it for me, don't ask anything!"

"Couldn't you just-"

"Don't make me demote you back to Birthday Party Clown!"

"Ok! Ok!"

The Telethon Phone Operator angryly got Deatras the telecom microphone and went back to his table.

The general pushed the button and began to speak.

"Rescue Squads A3D5 and T8N2, please report to Communications Room RT9. There is an important matter to tend to."

The general waited.

Eh, might as well.

The general started to slam his Transformer figures into each other to pass the time.

"Sir! Reporting for duty!" the squads yelled out, saluting.

The general instantly stopped slamming his Transformer toys together and looked at the squads in a hey-time-to-listen-or-you're-fired way.

"Men, I received a call from Director Hastir Wafast, however almost as soon as he had called, there was a weird screeching noise, then he screamed, the delicious juicy static. I want you to go to the area where he had called me and try to see what has happened, and to see if they were attacked. If they seem to have been attacked, search the area for any dead bodies or missing objects. If all the people there are dead, and no attackers are in sight, load the bodies into the ship for autospys. If there are also missing objects, report it immediately to us. If the crew members are all alive and the attackers are there dead, give the crew belts, and any that already have one get the next belt. If you find the crew dead, and the attackers are still there, capture the attackers for questioning if they are intelligent enough, and if they're wild beings and they're very hostile and attack you guys, fight them off with whatever you've got, killing only if you absolutely must. If there is a DDR contest going on between the crew and that's all it is, resist all temptation to watch or join in. If you see a bomb counting down, cut every wire except 2 differently colored ones, then panic over which one to cut, and at the last second, disarm it. I wish you the best of luck."

The general looked around, looking to see if everyone got it.

"Umm, couldn't you have just said 'Always follow standard procedures' instead of explaining them?" asked a confused T8N2 squad member, scratching her head.

"Shut up, just go now..." responded Deatras, looking angryly at her.

Immediately the squad got ready and headed course for the asteroid cloud that Hastir was calling from.

Once they got there, they proceeded to the area that the director called from. The group noticed a sign that said "Warning! Mining Operation Going On Here! Authorized Personnel Only! So No Bakerys Here!

"Wait, the general didn't tell us this was a mining site because...?" asked a member of the A3D5 squad, him being very confused.

"I don't know..." answered an equally confused T8N2 squad member, himself wanting to ask the general right now.

Eventually, they reached the entrance to the mining site.

"Allright, proceed with caution, and draw out your weapons- HOLY ****!!!!"

The mining site was practically in ruins. There were a lot of holes in the tunnel, apparently caused by explosions.

"What the hell happened here?" asked an A3D5 squad member, even though she knew that nobody else here knew either.

"Look! A conveniently intact camera, and it's still recording! Somebody get a DVD player so we see what happened, the battery on the camera is pretty low."

The A3D5 squad member who found and announced that he had found the camera, hit the record button to stop it, and ejected the CD out. Once somebody had found a CD player, watched.

A miner had just put the camera into record mode and was getting down the ladder. In the background, other miners were talking.

"I still don't know how somebody digged another tunnel that fast and took it. Its impossible!" said one miner.

"Anything's possible. However, we must still report it to the general." said another.

"I'll do it." said a red-haired man, apparently Hastir.

Hastir then immediately called the general. However, a strange creature tackled Hastir as he screamed, landing on the communicator and breaking it.

Soon, more creatures prepared for battle, and Hastir got the creature off him and prepared for battle as well as the miners.

Instantly, an indescribable DBZ-like battle ensued, without any talking breaks, though.

At the end of the battle, the last miner and the last creature were charging up their blasts, waiting. Soon, the blasts were unleashed, killing them both. 1 hour of nothingness then showed the squads arriving and everything until when that squad member stopped the recording.

After the squads watched it, with lots of excitement and lots of screaming, they reported what they had saw on the camera via communicator.

"AND THERE WAS, LIKE, A BUNCH OF EXPLOSIONS AND STUFF! WOOO!" screamed the squad member calling.

"Whoa! Settle down, you already said that anyway. What matters right now is our crystal supply for our sabers has gone missing. I will report this to he King right away. You guys come back."

OOC: Well, that was really long, and I don't think it was that funny.

Over a few months construction was being made... and stuff. By now the frame was finished and most of the workers were familiar on what to do. They brough their lunches each day, of course they couldn't do the old sit outside and eat their lunch, since, you know, there's a lack of oxygen. Also the asteroids were start to be cleared slowly. Of course anybody trying to see what's going on from the outside would just see rocks, why? Because I say so. And anybody trying to get inside would WTF HAX DIE and stuff due to MAGICAL POWERZ and random defenses.

Though, it was lunch time, and I'll use this chance to insert some random humour.

The cafeteria was nothing special. It was just a big floating room in space connected to a big floating station. It was white, they couldn't afford paint. There were little lights hanging, ah screw it it looked like a cafeteria. Use your imagination I can't describe everything.

The tables, though, I can. They were full... and stuff. But we'll focus on one table since errm, focusing on all of them would waste me and you, the reader's, time.

"Bah." Said one gruff worker as he opened his lunchbox. "Tuna, again. Tuna! That's all she sends me again and again. Meh." He took a bite. "Anyway, I don't get it man. Why does the Government want this waste of space, cash, men and what have you? I don't get it man."

One of the more insane workers chimed in. "Well, maybe like some unseen power is telling them to this as a satire man! Yah! We don't exist, some author is like typing what I say right now man! Yah!"

One of the Mexican workers thwapped him over the head. "Mang you stoopeed." He said, Mexicans in space? Iunno, but it's funny. "Anyway, first of all your attempt at clever humour failed mang. Second of all chico, yo want my money! I bet that Signor Juan de la Mancha was gonna ween that dueling contest and joo lost! Cash!"

The insane worker paniced. "Look man, I'll I'll I'll have your cash tommorow."

One of the more normal workers overheard this conversation and had to jump in. "Hey did anybody catch that ILO concert? It rocked."

The gruff worker smacked him upside the head. "Bah! Violins ain't manly! Besides those things are outdated now. It's all about electronics and keyboards and stuff."

The insane worker scoffed. "Like keyboards are manly?! At least they bring some natural music!"

The Mexican hushed them both up. "Guys guys, shut up. I get it you're both gay."

The gruff worker threw a huge punch towards the Mexican causing him to go wee! and get knocked out and stuff. "There, that shut him up."

The insane one spoke. "Yes, he was starting to annoy the author anyway?"

"ZOMG." The gruff one said. "What author!?"

And then I came down upon a horse with my magical pencil of doom looking as sexy as even and like stuff and whatnot. I mean granted I'm typing this in a keyboard but look, pencils are sexy. Keyboards are not. Anyway as I came down on my mystical cloud wearing armor that is +5 resistant to all and with spikes and whatnot. I shouted.

"YOU! You have angered me gruff person man! You have angered me for being annoying for not believing in me! Though not as much as that Mexican. BUT MY POINT STANDS. Today you die, and you shall die via an anvil!" I proclaimed loudly.

As such, an anvil dropped on the gruff worker, and he died.

I cackled. "Yes! He is dead now. And none of you shall notice since I have MAGICAL HAX and stuff! Deus Ex Machina for the win!" And as such I ascended back to the computer to bring you this stuff.

The normal worker sniffed the air. "So how about those Yankees?"

(The next post I'll have the thing built... and stuff. Or I might not. Depends how I feel.)

[OOC- Yes! Our design is being put into effect! All hail the maestro of NS, TIOR/TCG!]

(Bwahahahahahahaha! YES! I mean, errm... bump?)

[OOC: O.o *is so proud.*]

Tags for the glorious reading, although, RED SOX FTW!

Thomas Gergas kept thinking about one thing that bothered him for the entire day.

Why did I have to infiltrate this place again?

Thomas, you see, was sent for no particular reason to infiltrate a facility and take pictures of random stuff. He was only chosen for the job because, to quote The King when asked about it:

"
A. He's a secret agent.

B. The wheel stopped on his name.

C. People that have jobs involving secrecy usually makes for good action sequences, so logically any secret agent could make for a good action sequence because of that rule.

D. The first choice, Derhes Bebted, kept using 1337 speak during the briefing.

E. The second choice, BarrySamDaveTaylorKyle SmithBishopVietskeBaileyShotola, has a confusing and hard to remember name, causing the Record Makers alot of confusion while they were making the records for him and the records on his employers, the GREIGRFERNSASDJGUBG agency, and the other boring records that atleast mention him.

F. The third choice, Matthew Cup, had a way too funny last name, which would have ruined his cover because of the immense laughter from the communicator, thus making him a terrible but hilarious choice.

G. The fourth choice, James Bond, was too busy going through the Exciting And Dramatic Escape course to be hired at the time of the first request, and when the Royal Army came after Bond finished the course and beat his old time, they found out that the fee of 1,000,000 pounds is not equal to 1,000,000 Weird Looking Thing's, because 1 WLT is worth 0.7654 USD, whilst 1 GBP is worth 1.8903 USD, according to the Currency God's estimates posted on his blog. Because of this, they couldn't get Bond for the job.

H. Puppies and kittens came in and distracted the other possible choices during their briefings.
"

Thomas sighed and continued on with the mission. He noticed a guard walking down the hallway to the left, about to turn in his direction, slowly for dramatic effect. Quickly, he darted into the closet nearby to wait. Suddenly, he had an idea.

Maybe I should wait for him to pass by the door, then.... Yes, it's a cliche, but atleast I'll change it up alittle.

He started to prepare for putting it into action. Thankfully, the guard was walking very slow in an attempt to somehow give a matrix-like feel for anybody nearby, obviously failing miserably to acheive it.

Once the guard finally did get near the door, by which point Thomas had been ready 10 minutes before, he opened the door and punched the guard in the arm.

"Hey! Learn some manners!" the guard yelled at him. Thomas pointed at a teddy bear in the closet.

"He did it." said Thomas. The guard got angry. The Hulk kind of angry. No, angrier than that.

"RAAAGGGHHHH!!!!"

The guard started to fight the teddy bear. Somehow, the guard got overpowered by it and died because of his health meter getting depleted.

Thomas, after staring in confusion for a minute, took the guard's uniform and put it on. He went into the hallway and went to the cafeteria. There was something extremely weird happening there 10 minutes after he came in. Something about tuna, there was some sorta insane person, and an offensive stereotypical mexican person. Then there was something about an author, whatever that is, and then a guy on a cloud or something. After the strange thing was over, Thomas went into a room and instantly noticed something.

"It's-"

<REST OF SCENE HAS BEEN DESTROYED BY GODZILLA DURING HIS RAMPAGE>

Thomas shot out the last turret defending the exit, and escaped the facility, after he:

1. Photographed <CENSORED>.
2. Got his cover blown after saying the Word-That-Causes-Spies-Saying-It-To-Be-Found-Out-By-Real-Workers.
3. Escaped in an awesome action sequence.
4. Caused 532,564 USD in damages to defense technology.

As he walked away, he thought about the information he found out. As he reached for his communicator to inform The King, however, something happened.

His head exploded for no reason at all.

The TGC Royal Army has no plans of further investigation currently under the conclusion that all he did was take upskirt shots because he was very perverted, with the only picture not an upskirt shot was of himself and was only to finish up with the roll of film. All those who have questioned the conclusion and it's nature now have a "Skeptical No-Brain McGee Who Wants You To Kick Him/Her In The Butt" hat drilled onto their heads and have alot of bruises on their butt.

That's funny. Butt. Heheheheheh. I laugh like Peter Griffin.

OOC: Are you confused? I hope you are. That was my intent.