NationStates Jolt Archive

The scientist smiled. It was done. He had done it!

He looked at his invention, in utter, and total awe. He grinned madly. His colleagues had said he was really, really stupid. They, however, had been wrong.

Inside a bubble, there was a cat. Strapped to the cat, was a piece of buttered toast. The application of Murphy's law, "Toast will always fall buttered side down", and the simple application of Stupid Relativity (As his colleagues had named it, somewhat adeptly, he thought), that "Cats always land on their feet", made this new invention amazingly power.

It spun, faster and faster. And faster. And then... Poompf!

The friction lit the cat on fire, and the butter dripped off. He cursed. There were still some flaws, he admitted. But it completely negated conservation of energy! The cat and the buttertoast generated energy without using any! He was a genius!

He sighed. There was still a long way to go. However, to fund his experiments, he needed more money. After all, he was eating food out of garbage bins like a hobo. Buying awesome scientific equipment was beyond him.

He typed up an email on his laptop, sending it to the galaxy at large. Meanwhile, he muttered "the fools! All power will be mine! Their pitiful nuclear power sources are nothing, NOTHING compared to the catbutter generator!"

- - - - - - - - - -
To: All the universe
Subject: Ultimate source of power now for resale!
From: catbutterman@universityofhobo.bum

Greetings, kind customer! Have your intergalactic warships failed? Do you need a cheap source of power? Are your evil minions failing you, or are your plans for galactic domination falling short because of your low-end, low-paying job?!

Well, no more! Today, you can buy the new, experimental CatButter generator, and many other applications of Stupid Relativity, an entirely new field of science! Just take a look at our catalogue below!

Catalogue -

CatButter Generator - This is a basic generator, being a cat, with a piece of buttered toast strapped to its back. It constantly spins, both the cat and the butter trying to reach the ground. However, overuse, or adding butter/cat can overload the generator, and cause failure.

Price - $22
Additional features -
Registered cat - +$200
Good-quality butter - +$5
Cat not liking butter (A cat that doesn't like butter, and refuses to eat it) - +$35

CatCat Generator - The CatCat generator is simple - Two cats, strapped to each other's backs. However, since cats can move their legs, this generator, although having a longer lifespan than the CB generator, has moments of occasional failure.

Price - $42
Additional features -
Registered cat - +$200 (per cat)
Leg-locks (To prevent leg movement) - $55 (per cat)
Basic training (Aids cats in survival whilst spinning) - $10 (per cat)

CatCatCat Generator - The same as the CatCat, except with three cats. This generator is the quickest, and the least prone to failure. However, it tends to have a shorter lifespan than other Cat-only generators, due to the fact the cats are at weird angles to one another.

Price - $63
Additional features -
Registered cat - +$200 (per cat)
Leg-locks (To prevent leg movement) - $55 (per cat)
Intermediate training (Makes sure cats can eat/drink at this level of cattery) - $50 (per cat)

QuadCat - The last in the CatCat line, the QuadCat is a four-cat generator. It is not prone to failure, nor does it have low power generation stats, however, it does have a higher replacement rate. Replacing QuadCat generators, or repairing them is often hard, due to the food that must be fed to the cats, and the training cats require to stay in place.

Price - $84
Additional features -
Registered cat - +$200 (per cat)
Leg-locks (To prevent leg movement) - $55 (per cat)
Advanced training - (This makes sure the cats are trained well enough to eat whilst spinning round wildly) $115 (per cat)

----------------------------------

The email ended, and Doctor Hoboman sat back, and waited for the deluge of calls sure to plague him..

(That joke's been floating around the internet for years, I was going to make a reactor too, ya beat me to it scallywag ; ) )

(Yes, it's been floating around for years and years, but I haven't seen it used on NS yet, so I figured retail of such wonderful, powerful generators would be the way to promote it!)

The Hiigaran Empire of Christopher Thompson would like to donate funds to this continuing research

*pulls out check book*

BTW, it's good to be back on NS. How've you been, HT?

OOC: I've been better, I've been worse. II hasn't exactly been a perfumed, lovely place, however.

IC: Dr. Hoboman smiled. MONIES! He jumped up, and started dancing around the burning garbage bin which had been his home, toilet, and larder for the past few months. "I AM MONEYRICH! I EAT LIKE A RICH MAN! I WILL HAVE BREAD! I WILL HAVE.. uhhhh... PEANUTS! I WILL HAVE STUFF THAT DIDN'T COME OUT OF GARBAGE CANS!"

OCC: it nice but nowhere near the power of a 25 foot long super hampster. But before that we used 50 foot gerbils and we get 3 times the power from something thats half as big!

Tell me, though, how does your hampster violate conservation of energy?!

*writes check for billion dollars and hands it to the scientist*

PS, this is real NS money from my defense budget. So spend it wisely.

Tell me, though, how does your hampster violate conservation of energy?!

first we electricly chargbe the air and the hampster sucks enrgy right out of the air. all the energy comes from a AAA battery with wires that spark attatched.

OOC: hate to say it, but the cat needs food to keep going, and that will be equal to any energy generated. sadly, a flawed idea, if a good one. :)

(Oh, and murphy's law isnt the toast one, its "Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong". I personally like Jenkins' (I think thats who it was) corollory: "If murphy's law can go wrong, it will")

first we electricly chargbe the air and the hampster sucks enrgy right out of the air. all the energy comes from a AAA battery with wires that spark attatched.

Then it doesn't violate CoE. Leave us!

OOC: hate to say it, but the cat needs food to keep going, and that will be equal to any energy generated. sadly, a flawed idea, if a good one.

When the cats die, we replace them. Replacement energy < cat-generated energy.

(Oh, and murphy's law isnt the toast one, its "Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong".

You have much to learn, young padathingy. Verily, understand this truth. Forsooth, as the buttered side hits the floor, it is covered with dust, which may not be removed, making the toast inedible. The unbuttered side, however, can hit the floor, and have the dust wiped off. Thus, the buttered side possessing the capability to hit the floor (what can go wrong), hits the floor as an application of Murphy's Law (will go wrong).

The Melii diplomatic AI was at a quandary...usually it manifested as a Talking Cat.
This honoured tradition would likely get it fried by this new energy source.
[S]He Shrugged ethereal shoulders and shifted to the Talking Rabbit. Then...

POP!

Eh Doc...Whats this bout's a toster oven cat cooker?
I got here a bill of credit for 1 million NSD with yere name on it.
Gotta keep these law breaking of natural Phenomena to a quiet see?
Got me a few instant water pills; along with 25 George Martian Army capsules, too if you is interested.

The rabbit adjusted its nose/glasses disguise and began eating a rather large carrot loudly.

Dr. Hoboman looked at the rabbit. Talking rabbit?! Ridiculous.

He edged over to his other garbage can, and pulled out his sharpened spoon. Screaming wildly, he jabbed at the rabbit, yelling and screaming, with the words "I EAT RABBIT NOW!" indistinctly in his screams.

The Rabbit loss cohesion at every point the Doc attacked him. It was most troblesome to reform the Holo-matrix everytime the guy disrupted the field with that damn fork. He spoke in normal International standard American right?

A golden fork? Must be a follower of the Golden Path...a Harlequin...

"Eh now doc...

The sound was cut off as he lost half his eyes and lower jaw matrix.

Gottdamnit! Sumabitchisfastforanegghead! Methinksmeoughtatryadifferenttactic? Perhaps another avatar?

In rapid succession Renart, Othin, Coyote, were discarded after varing degrees of Failures. Anansi was the favorite. TheSpiderscaredtheDoc Catatonic. While this was funny, it was not conducive to a conversation. Finally, [s]he was reduced to humanoid representation. With a bright flash of [no] Light, the Doc was staring at the madden red eyes and desheveled hair or his doppleganger.

The golden forks sparked and flashed in chaotic beauty. This was possible with a slight shift in the matrix's energy weaves in the area of the deadly prongs. Shift stop shift closed-fist bitch slap. Every move was countered and occasionally riposted...they battled for what seemed like hours.

The AI's eyes began slowly changing into silver mirrors...

"RAAAAABIIIIT!", the good doctor cried, stabbing his adversary in the face with his sharpened spoon, again, and again. His command of Hobopowers knew no bounds, and, in his anger, he activated one..

*cue flashy screen with isometric/swirling views of things, constantly rotating views, room-ins and changes of colour and shape*

- HOBOSTRIKE -

The ancient Hobostrike, mastery of sharpened spoon and garbage-bin combat in all sooth, was flung at his doppelganger, something it could never counter, possessing not the masteration.

Dr. Hobo was roused to anger. If he powered up the CatButter generators.. who knew what he could do?

The long lead time leading up to the *Infamous HoboStrike* gave the AI another Idea... if he couldn't talk to the crazy guy maybe he ought 1 leave or 0 kill the bastard. Simple binary solution. Since 0 was more fun [s]he decided to at least try and kill the [power up is almost complete] HoboMaster. Every now and then you just had to interfere.

[s]he popped over to the Kennels in a microsurge and tailored virus [s]he opened the Kitties doors. And the door to a rather varied selection of "rabbits" marked DANGER DO NOT OPEN.

Then [s]he refocused in time to not counter the move but to hit the bastard in the nads before the sharpened spoon penetrated his Holo-brainpan.

pop. [some little smoke and rotten eggs smell...]

The Melii Diplomacy AI was gone!?!

And a man came down the alley. He was funky looking. The Commonii had disguised himself as a native. http://img206.imageshack.us/img206/4417/don5pn.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

He said "Yo, you got that cat thingy. We are interested in the rights to buttersideupcats. We will pay you $2 million dollars for the rights to make this energy invention."

We have Schrodinger Cats, but when you put it in the ball, it is often hard to tell if the cat is there or not. However, you don't have to feed them because they are a virtually conceptual cat. So you either get no energy at all, or an infinite set of energy.

snip
I guess this is the corollory at work then. *shrug* (oh, and how on earth has this not been moved to spam yet?)