NationStates Jolt Archive


Chevrokian News Network - Pressing Issues

ChevyRocks
31-05-2006, 21:41
[And now, back to Pressing Issues, on the Chevrokian News Network, your #1 source for important national and international events and trends. Here is your host, Robert Grant.]

Robert Grant: Hello, I'm Robert Grant, and belcome back to Pressing Issues on CNN. Last night, we started a segment about religion in today's world. It is a very controversial topic, one that has sparked debate and even violence. And while the majority of the Chevrokian population still practice traditional religions, Christianity, Judaism, Islam, etc., many people, influenced by the problems plaguing these religions are turning to alternatives. As such, the topic of tonight's segment is Pythonism. In existance for nearly 40 years now, it has been for the most part relegated to a cult status, but is becoming increasingly popular in recent times. To discuss the issue, we have in the studio Jonathan Dean Richards, founder of the First Pythonic Church. Also here tonight is Father Gene Harlum, to debate the other side of the story. Welcome, gentlemen. I'll start with you Jon, and I'd like if you could, to give us a run-down, so to speak, on Pythonism.

Jonathon Dean Richards: Well, Pythonism, first off, is not a religion in the traditional sense. There is no "God" or any number of them. There's no sinning, or "Hell," or "Satan." There are no holy men or prophets. It is simply a belief system, a way to help live your life. It's a story about real life things. And at the very least, entertaining. Compared to traditional religions, we don't have boring sermons or services about how everyone's a sinner and how they're going to hell. It is a joyous time when our people get together, and always enjoyable. I always point out an important thing, and that is that you will never see anyone leaving the Pythonic Church unhappy.

Father Harlum: That's cause you're all hopped up on something!

JDR: Father Harlum, I assure you, drugs or alcohol are not what alter our congregation's state of mind. We also don't do any brainwashing or hypnotism whatsoever.

RG: Father Harlum, do you have anything else to add at this time?

FH: Well, I'll have you know that this so-called religion is just based upon a British television show from the 1960s.

RG: Is this true?

JDR: Well....yeah. I mean, I know there's no law against it. Or maybe you've got something against the Brits, eh, Harlum? And what about Christianity? Worshipping the writings of a book supposedly written thousands of years ago?

FH: Well, you're "religion" is utter nonsense. I mean, killer rabbits, deadly jokes, 800-yard long hedgehogs, it's absolutely rediculous!

JDR: There ARE killer rabbits, Father. One of them damn near assasinated the American President, Jimmy Carter, back in '79. The Joke, of course, is merely an exaggeration and to serve entertainment purposes, as is Norman the Hedgehog. But you say Pythonism is rediculous? What of the Bible? I mean, two of every animal on one ship? You couldn't have fit that many animals on the Questrian battleship HMS Hood, and that was over 6,000 feet long!! You know, you're not making the traditional religions look very good by your behavior here.

FH: Well, still, your portrayal of homosexuals is an abomination!

JDR: If you would have paid attention, Father, you'd realize that most of the time we're making fun of homosexuals. Also, one of the Original Six turned out to be gay, and nobody's ever had a problem with it.

RG: If you don't mind me asking, who are the Original Six?

JDR: Well, Bob, they were the ones who created the belief system which eventually evolved into Pythonism itself. I suppose you could call them "Prophets," thought we don't use such labels in Pythonism.

RG: So how does Pythonism relate to modern life?

JDR: Well, we cover many aspects of today's society. For example, war. In our belief system, it is a terrible thing, but a necessary thing from time to time. That it is sometimes common for an enemy to do very odd, perhaps silly, things, pushed by the desperation of a major war. But most importantly, with any aspect of society, we try and find the lighter side of the subject. We want people to feel good about life, and for them not to worry about what's going to happen to them.

FH: You're whole belief system is completely stupid and a sin!

JDR: I'd like to see you prove it! And if Jesus supposedly forgives us of all our sins, what's the whole point of it all? It's all just very silly.

*A tall man with a full military officer's uniform walks onto the stage.*

The Colonel: Yes, it is. It's much to silly and I'm not going to stand for it!

FH: What the...who in blazes are you?

TC: It doesn't matter, now clear out, the lot of you!

RG: I'm conducting a debate here!

TC: Well, I don't care, get, go! Clear out! Get those cameras out of here!

RG: Hey, you can't do that, those are studio property!

[Let's take a commercial break, and afterwards we'll be discussing the Chevrokian military's procurement of foreign-built aircraft, here on Pressing Issues, on CNN.]