NationStates Jolt Archive

On the 6th of May of 2006, around 2:00 am GMT,
the newly born but powerful Commonwealth of Assis
declared war to the whole world.

Before neighbouring countries received the news
of the birth of Assis, 4.999.997 foot soldiers
armed with seriously heavy sticks, left the capital
of this perennial nation to begin their march
towards conquer, glory and victory.

Assis armed forces advanced late on a Friday night,
a military decision that would become a fatal mistake.
They marched unaware that people in nearby cultures
are usually awake until late on Fridays. According to
the last messages arriving to the capital "opposing armies
are responding with flying dragons that drop fire from the sky
and soldier demons armed with magical staffs that spit
miniature metal penis-like projectiles that pierce through
the flesh of our young soldiers"

The Great Army of the Commonwealth of Assis was crushed
in 1 hour and 13 seconds, exactly 15 minutes and 34 seconds
after crossing the borders.

There are no reported survivors, besides the three
that refused to join the war.

Francisco, the spiritual leader of Assis and an outspoken
opposer of the war, along with his mother and his
best friend Tiago, was reported as saying: "This is
a tragedy. No one came back. We never found out
who they invaded in the end and we don't know
who to apologise to."

So how is the country now recovering from this slaughter?
Tiago says "It's proving difficult. The only woman
left in the country is Francisco's mum. She's 50 years old
and we're worried that she may not be able to become
pregnant anymore, despite my intensive efforts.
Francisco is particularly distraught. He's wandering
whether he should give it a try, just in case the problem
is with me."

The Commonwealth of Assis, through the voice
of the newly appointed enlightened leader Francisco, issued
a world-wide apology today at a press-conference held in Assis:
"We, the three people of the Commonwealth of Assis,
would like to apologise to all nations of the world
for this terrible mistake. So... Sorry, it won't happen again.
We promise."

The leader of Assis lamented that no reporters were alive
to cover the press conference and that they weren't able to invite
any representatives from neighbouring countries,
since all postmen were forced to join the armed forces
and killed in tonight's border war.

Ooc: Best... Satire... In The Past Eight Minutes

"She's 50 years old
and we're worried that she may not be able to become
pregnant anymore, despite my intensive efforts.
Francisco is particularly distraught. He's wandering
whether he should give it a try, just in case the problem
is with me."

Those sentences really sold it to me.

I love it! Brilliant!

One thing thoughm this is NS, so it would be more liek WW77 or somesuch

The Press Office of the Commonwealth of Assis apologises for its ignorance over the previous 74 World Wars and thanks you for your timely correction.

The Great Army of the Commonwealth of Assis was crushed
in 1 hour and 13 seconds, exactly 15 minutes and 34 seconds
after crossing the borders.
OMG GODMODE!!!

We are much obliged, it was an easy thing to do.

Now then, We must apologize for having contributed to the current state of your nation and, while nothing can fully replace your loss, we can offer to help repopulate your nation by sending refugees from other nations that Modnoth cannot currently accomodate, If you are amenable, I believe that our efforts may be able to fully repopulate your nation within 10 years (more depending on the rate of inflow of Refugees)

The people of the Commonwealth of Assis, that's me, my mother (who prefers to stay in anonimity in these difficult times) and Tiago, would like to thank your nation for the kind offer.

Would you be able to predict when might the first refugees arrive? As you can imagine, we are suffering under terrible economic pressures that urge us to repopulate our nation as quickly as possible.

We are currently attempting to process several hundreds of refugees from the ongoing Eonopolis conflicts. It would be a great time saver to just ship them over, Lets call it four days till that group arrives, in the meantime, we will begin polling recent refugees and asking for volunteers.

Following the cataclysmic events of today's earliest hours,
the leader of the Commonwealth of Assis announced this afternoon
that a new polemic legislation, legalising polygamy,
was proposed in the House of Commons earlier in the day
and would be implemented at 00:00 GMT tonight.

The new law will allow people to have several sexual partners,
regardless of gender. In an emotionally charged speech,
the leader justified the new law as "(...) imperative and urgent,
for the sake of our country's economy. We need to increase
our fertility rate exponentially."

The emergency session was held today only hours after the worse news
had been confirmed. As the only three country survivors - now
self-appointed MPs - arrived this morning to the House of Commons,
they seemed calm and determined to face up to any challenge.
However, the cohesion didn't last much. When the new proposal
was presented by the leader, it was received with outrage by the only
woman in the country. The 50 year old MP, mother of the leader,
shouted "I'm boycotting this law. This is a male-dominated
House of Commons using this crisis to adopt a law that they've been
wanting for years. What about family values? This is not how
I educated my own son."

Tiago de Assis, the newly appointed Minister of Social Affairs,
rejected her suggestions as "rubbish" and accused the MP of being
"old fashioned". The leader Francisco also defended the law saying:
"These are extreme and temporary measures for extreme times.
We hope this law will also promote an influx in immigration"
How temporary we asked. "It will depend mainly on the proven
results but we expect that a few decades should be enough."