Holy War on the PH Continent?
It was a very bright night and Queen Emily of the Queendom of Darknovae was sitting in her study, drafting a rather long letter to the leader of the Holy Empire of Arachanox. It was nearly three pages long when someone knocked on the door.
"Enter," said Queen Emily. In came a woman dressed in a Darknovae military uniform.
"Hello, Queen Emily," she said.
"Hello, Admiral Athol. What are you doing here?" asked Queen Emily.
"I needed to tell you something," said Admiral Juliet Athol. "There's some trouble stirring up around the continent. I'm not sure if you heard, but it concerns Jannica and the other countries."
"I heard about trouble starting up," Queen Emily said. "Arnthora isn't threatening to make nukes, is it?"
"Erm, no," said Admiral Athol. "Not that I know of, anyway. But Arnthora is involved, yes. So is Ainadora. Jannica is threatening a war on both, apparently for 'unholiness' and all this stuff."
"I wouldn't worry," said Queen Emily. "After all, Jannica is not a very big country, it's only got about 83 million people, compared to many more in the other countries."
"Yes, but shouldn't we still do something to keep the peace? General Arman Julius is liable to tick at some point. The man is a ticking time bomb, and if we don't do something quick Arnthora and Jannica are going to wind up in a very nasty war, and I've heard talk about some uranium deposits in Arnthora."
"Admiral, you told me that Arnthora wasn't threatening to make nuclear weapons-"
"They just found the deposits very recently," Admiral Athol said. "Yesterday, if I'm not mistaken. But if we don't do something, Jannica's probably going to get nuked of the face of the Earth at some point."
Queen Emily thought for a moment, fiddling with her pen (a common habit of hers). "But what about Ainadora? Jannica's threatening to attack them too, aren't they?"
"Yes, but since when has Ainadora ever had a war? They're called the 'Most Serene Republic' for a reason, you know. And I doubt that if Jannica did attack Ainadora, that Ainadora would suffer much."
"I'll get a telegram to all of them as soon as possible," said Queen Emily.
"Good," said Admiral Athol. "Good night."
"Good night," said Queen Emily, now quite troubled. The prospect of war on the P.H. Continent was quite scary, especially if nukes were going to get involved. Forgetting about the letter to Arachanox, she began wiring a telegram to Artemus Egan, the president of Jannica.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Mr. Egan, I have recieved word that you are threatening war against the Most Serene Republic of Ainadora as well as the Free Land of Arnthora. Out of all due respect, I ask you not do declare war against either, since you have a relatively small army compared to Ainadora and Arnthora. Also, I have heard talk of uranium deposits in Arnthora, so you better watch out for yourself. I strongly advise against any type of war in the PH Continent, especially when Arnthora is involved. Arman Julius is a nasty character in times of war.
Queendom of Darknovae
Artemas Egan looked at the telegram, furious. How did Queen Emily know about this already? And who was she to stop anyone from declaring war? The Commonwealth of Jannica wasn't her business- Darknovae was!
After all, Artemus, as well as much of his beloved country, had been offended by Ainadora and Arnthora. Arnthora was a screaming dictatorship, for crying out loud! How could the liberal socialist Queen Emily not do something about it? And Ainadora was on the verge of destruction itself- the sin! The carelessness! How could any religion support Ainadora's actions?
After all, they did need the Scriptures of Killametism, a steadily dying religion across the PH COntinent. Killametism had the answers- it was the very foundation of Jannica, and played quite a large part in the founding of the other countries.
"Appalling, Emily," he said. Artemus sat down, still infuriated. Now Arnthora was going to nuke Jannica. In truth, Artemus was not at all worried about Ainadora (screaming hippies, he thought bitterly) as much as he was Arnthora. Arnthora had a strong military and if Darknovae wanted to stop Jannica, both would completely destroy Jannica.
Artemus decided to telegram Ainadora, who had a relatively thick skin and didn't get offended easily and never held grudges, as Artemus had called them unholy too. The telegram was relatively short.
Saturday April 29 2006
Ms. Kieran, I am fully aware of the trouble I have been causing around the PH Continent earlier. I may not declare a holy war, but your remarks (as well as Arman Julius') about Killametism have deeply insulted my nation, which is a Nation of Killamet. I cannot allow religious-based hate to destroy Jannica.
Commonwealth of Jannica
Eithne Kieran snorted as she read the telegram. She was not Killametist herself and could not see why such an old religion would still be around. It was like seeing someone still following Jupiter and Neptune, though Killametism was nowhere near that old. For Christ's sake, Artemus, get a grip! thought Eithne.
Earlier that day, he was threatening a holy war against Ainadora and Arnthora. What bull, thought Eithne. Like Ainadora's really going to enter a holy war in the 21st century. And he's blaming on our sinfulness in our people rather than the outright attacks, though Eithne still squirmed when she remembered what she had said about Killametism. For Christ's sake, what had she said that for? And she was the president of Ainadora, the PH civil rgihts lovefest!
But Jannica wasn't going to slide by for what its leader had said about Ainadora and its religions. Eithne, for once, was not going to "live and let live".
But she wasn't going to let her beloved Ainadora get into a war either.
Due to it's highly developed information network the Dark Brotherhood of the Dark Initiates received word that war was brewing between the nations of Arnthora and Jannica, the Black Hand, the 5 leaders of the Dark Initiate, composing of four 'Speakers' and a 'Listener', four fingers and a thumb if you will, talked amongst themselves about this development, they where in a very dim room with only 5 small seats and a large table that the seats surround.
Deras Kharlan, the Listener, was currently speaking to his Speakers, the voice of the Black Hand about what their position was on it while the Speakers listened.
Deras spoke in a loud clear voice, that was cold and logical "My fellow Brothers, we have no relations with either country, yet some citizens of these nations pray in secret to the unholy Matron we call 'The Night Mother', whom we serve, the problem is that if the leader of one of these nation approches us to employ our Assassination services we would be stuck in a difficult position, do we betray the brothers of one country to assist another?"
Uriel Pollaris spoke next, his voice could be only summed up in one word, Evil, "Dark Listener, your words ring true, we just simply couldn't assist one branch of the Brotherhood while destroying another, especially since both branches have not been tainted with treachery..."
This topic continued well into the night, they decided they had to choose one branch, they chose the branch of Jannica, they would send one of their speakers to speak to the Leader about offering their...special services.
They only prayed that the Night Mother and Sithis, the Dark Husband of the Night Mother would understand and forgive them...
Arman Julius leaned back in his chair, contemplating the desputes between his country and Jannica. It was now late in the morning, and Arman was very bored.
"Sir, a letter has arrived from the Most Serene Republic of Ainadora," said his assistant, Joseph Kritz.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
General Julius, I am very confused about what to do with the situation with Jannica. Though my country is very peaceful and none of us (government or people) wants a war, I am almost certain that Jannica should pay for its remarks. I have never said anything about Killametism except that it was a very old religion and declining in modern times, but it seems that Artemus Egan was insulted anyway. And also, I have heard that your country has uranium deposits- please, if we have a war against Jannica, DO NOT USE NUKES. I have a feeling that Darknovae will get quite ticked off at you and angering Darknovae right now is not a good idea, though both of us can easily defeat Jannica without it, angering Queen Emily is never a very good idea, in war or peace.
But my main concern is not Jannica, it is in fact- Darknovae. We will need Queen Emily's support (not nessecarily military support). If Artemus Egan is just being an insecure child, then Darknovae's support may not be as necessary.
President Eithne Kieran
Most Serene Republic of Ainadora
Arman was quite surprised at Eithne Kieran's letter. He'd always thought she was a bit of a wuss, too afraid to go into a holy war (or any type of war), but this letter proved the hard-hearted dictator wrong. "If we have a war"... "We"? Was Ainadora going to fight alongside Arnthora? It would certainly be ironic, two complete opposites fighting someone else. "Artemus Egan is just being an insecure child..." This was certainly not like Eithne. Arman had not spoken much to Eithne before now, but he'd always figured she was a pacifist. Perhaps it was Egan's remark about Ainadora's diversity...? Arman was surprised at this.
And everybody was concerned about Arnthora's nukes... Arman had a feeling that Eithne's issues with Jannica was a much larger issue. The goverment of Arnthora was well used to being called corrupt and rather narrow, but it seemed that Ainadora was not. Not being able to shake off the worry, he wired a telegram to Jannica.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Egan, I am afraid that you are in dire peril. It seems that you have seriously insulted Ainadora's president. Though I outright disagree with your beliefs, and have a nasty reputation for war and nuke manufacturing, I must warn you, keep your mouth shut, because it seems that President Kieran is quite angry at being called "unholy" "sinful" and even "corrupt" (and I in no way see how you could have come up with that). I will not throw Arnthora into a war, but it seems that Eithne Kieran will fling Ainadora into war. I beg you, President Egan, to keep your head down and your mouth shut.
General Arman Julius
Free Land of Arnthora
Artemus snorted with laughter and surprise. Arnthora, a warmongering dictatorship, warning a country NOT to go to war with a hippie state? This was quite ironic. Dear Lord Killamet, what madness. Well, at least it wasn't Arnthora who was threatening war on him.
Artemus Egan prepared for his foreign-relations speech. It was in thirty minutes, and he had to be speaking about his relations to Ainadora and Arnthora.
*thirty minutes later*
"Commonwealth of Jannica," Artemus said. "I am very glad to be speaking to you all about our foreign realtions among the other countries of the PH Continent. We will not be going to war with Arnthora, as thrity minutes ago I recieved word that Arman Julius has refused to make war-" cheers resonated in the hall "-though, we may be facing a rather nasty conflict with the Most Serene Republic of Ainadora. It seems that Eithne Kieran cannot accept the truth about her beliefs, that Killametism is indeed the way to go." Dark mutters now filled the hall. "Though war may not happen, it is almost definite that Ainadora will be soundly punished by our Lord Killamet in other ways for its unholiness. Ainadora's laws are an abomination to sense and Killamet, and we must stop the madness."
The speech was highly publicized afterward, and the Queendom of Darknovae was really not happy.
"The idiot!" Queen Emily snarled, reading the transcript of President Egan's speech.
"Emily, please," said Prince Xavier, Queen Emily's brother. "Calm down."
"Calm down?! How can you expect me to calm down when Artemus Egan still deliberately insults another country?! Ainadora wants to go to war now! The IDIOT!"
"Emily!" Prince Seth said. "Getting angry about it will not help! Call a meeting, please, or meet with Egan!"
"Good idea, Seth," said Queen Emily. She quickly phoned the other leaders of the PH Continent to met her right there in Darknovae.
*two hours later*
"The simple thing is, Queen Emily, that Eithne here has committed crimes to Killamet."
"I told you, Egan, I do not believe in Killamet! I have a right to believe whatever I want to effing believe!"
"The best thing is, overthrow-"
"For Christ's sake, Arman, we are NOT going to abolish ANY religion!" said Eithne, glowering at Arman.
"Then why did you abolish Killametism?" snapped Artemus.
"I did not abolish an religion, including Killametism!" said Eithne. "I just said it was very old and considered obsolete!"
"You said it was obsolete!" Artemus said. "You didn't say 'considered', you screaming-"
"WILL YOU TWO JUST CUT IT OUT?!" Queen Emily yelled, trying to make herself heard. "Artemus, this is the TWENTY FIRST CENTURY. Getting all ticked off about another's opinions on your religion is flat out immature! And Eithne, will you stop blowing up over the 'unholy' comments?"
"It's not only the unholy comments!" said Eithne angrily, her green eyes flashing. "In the last week I've been called corrupt, sinful, misguided, airheaded, SATANIC, and an effing hippie! I will not take any CRAP from some Killametist who refuses to respect other's beliefs!"
"Yes, but do you need a war over it?" asked Arman almost soothingly. He had been the calmest throughout the meeting. "Emily said it herself, Eithne, that this is the twenty-first century, and that blowing up over other people's comments on your beliefs is quite-"
"Didn't you want a war against Jannica too?" Eithne half-yelled.
"Do you really think I'm going into a holy war when I do not believe in any type of religion?" asked Arman. "No, it was the 'screaming Fuhrer' comment that hurt me. But everyone calls me that, so I am not getting angry over a bunchof childish insults."
"You two make it sound as if I am a child," said Artemus indignantly. "I am forty-three, older than both of you. I am not declaring a holy war against Ainadora, Eithne. IT is you who is declaring a holy war."
"I am not declaring a holy war!" said Eithne hotly. "I just said, you will pay!"
"Oh, dear Jesus," said Queen Emily wearily.
Eithne huffed impatiently. It was now about five o' clock and she was back in her office in Ainadora. The meeting in Darknovae had not gone well, considering that nothing had been resolved other than that Darknovae and Arnthora now refused to help anyone in the potential war.
She was so sick of Egan's remarks about the "unholiness" and "misguidance" of her country. Leave Ainadora alone! she wanted to scream at him. LEAVE US ALONE!
Of course, there were some Killametists in the Most Serene REpublic of Ainadora. But they were not actually militant, not anywhere near as narrow-minded as the Killametists of Jannica. Sure, they held the same beliefs, but never imposed their views on other religions. They didn't vote against civil rights for gays, like the Jannicans. But of course, a televised interview with Artemus Egan was to air all over the PH Continent. Eithne was going to watch it too. There wasn't much going on in Ainadora at the moment, and Eithne wanted to see what Egan was going to say in the televised interview...
"Ms. Kieran?" A voice broke through Eithne's aggravated thoughts. It was Maria Boris, one of Eithne's assistants. "The interview is on now."
"Excellent," said Eithne curtly. Looking toward the plasma television that had previously been hidden in a gigantic cupboard, she saw Artemus Egan sitting comfortably in a comfy blue chair, rather cheerfully greeting a Darknovaean reporter.
"So, President Egan, how are you doing?" asked Ginny Potter. "Scared of any wars...?"
"Oh, I'm doing fine," said Egan smoothly. "I'm not scared of any wars at all, at least not with Ainadora."
"You are aware of the anger that has met your remarks about Ainadora's government?"
"Fully aware. But if Ainadora is the Serene Republic it is, there will be no war at all."
"You have been heard to call the Ainadorans 'a large group of screaming hippies'. What did you mean by that?"
"Oh, it was just that Ainadora will never go to war, ever. They are, pretty much, hippies."
"You're going down," Eithne hissed, knowing perfectly well that Artemus Egan could not hear her.
"What?" asked Maria.
"I said Jannica will pay," said Eithne. "No matter what the cost."
"But what about Darknovae and Arnthora?"
"They'll also have to learn that hell hath no fury like Ainadora scorned!"
"No," said Queen Emily. "You're joking!"
"I'm afraid not," said Admiral Athol. "Jannica and Ainadora are now involved in war."
"I told Egan- I told him-" Queen Emily fumed. "I told him not to declare war on Ainadora!"
"Erm... actually, Queen," said Admiral Athol tentatively, "Ainadora declared war."
"I don't know what happened either. But we must do something, Jannica's got more powerful weapons than Ainadora, and somehow a larger army. Ainadora's going to start building up its army though, but I'm still afraid that Jannica will somehow occupy Ainadora and start being very harsh on it."
"Absolutely not," said Queen Emily, to Admiral Athol's gasp of shock and anger.
"You'r refusing to help a fellow country?!"
"This isn't Darknovae's holy war."