NationStates Jolt Archive

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through II
Not a battle was stirring, not even a skirmish;

The weapons were ready by the bunks with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would soon be there;

The heads of states were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of mass nuclear holocaust danced in their heads

And my Chancellors in their handerkerchiefs' and I in my cap
Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap--

When out on the Villa's Plaza there arose such a clatter;
I sprang from my heavily protected Security 2000 Bed to check on the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters, and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast (snicker) of the new fallen snow,
It looked like a pimp didn't slap his five dollar ho,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature F-16 driven by eight hydrogen powered reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be that stupid d- it must be St. Nick!

More rapid then MiG-21s his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and call'd them by name:

"Now! Kalashnikov, now! Bushmaster, now! Remington and Enfield!
"On! Colt, on! SIG, on! Smith and Wesson;

"To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
"Now dash away! dash away! dash away all, before they shoot us down!"

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the F-16 full of Sidewinders -- and St. Nicholas too:
And then in a twinkling, I heard on my heavily guarded roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around with a USP in hand,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound:
He was dress'd all in Kevlar, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnish'd with ashes and gunpowder;
A bundle of secret plans for weapons of mass destruction was flung on his back,


And he look'd like a soldier just opening his pack:
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how boring,

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a 9mm;
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a Composite Bow 2000.

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a scope.
He had a broad face, and he was faaaat

That shook when he laugh'd, like a bowl full of jelly:
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old midget,

And I laugh'd when I saw him in spite of the fact that I can't LAUGH;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And there he went, filling my living room full of lead.

He never filled my stockings, man what a jerk,
And laying aside his finger aside of his nose

And giving a nod, up the chimney that little mother- rose.
He sprung to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew, like the down of a thistle:
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight --

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

But it wasn't over, oh no it wasn't.
He forgot to pay the insurance, so I got called my cousins.

They were in the Air Force you see,
So I figured while he was flyin', I'd make that nigga pee.

The jets took off ready to kill,
It was about time I got my revenge ticket filled.

Their missiles flew over the silent night,
Boom! Went Santa's Jet, he out of sight.

So Merry Christmas to you and God bless the World,
And if you shoot my house full of lead I will shoot you down.

But don't worry children Santa never existed.
Besides you don't need toys when you have.... GUNS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Bravo! Brav-effin-o! Very clever. Very effin clever. Well written. Well effin written. Humourous. Quite Humourous indeed.

That is fucking halarious. :p Good job. I would've put him in a F-22 Raptor so that he could listen to Naptor. ;) Yeah, I know I suck at rhymes.

Wow and I thought it was crappy... heh heh. No Christmas can go without a thread from me >_>

[OOC: You, sir, are amazing. I'm definitely saving a copy of this: "Twas the Night Before Christmas...NS Style."]

The joy must be spread and my ego inflated!

Hear, hear!

I'm just waiting for an English Prof or a Super Scientist to make some sort of correction to this. Let's see how long until it happens.

(I wrote this about a year ago when it was around Christmas time as TIOR. Now since it's that time of season and a few friends have told me to bump it after asking, I'm well, bumping it. I hope the new generation has as much fun with this thread like the last. So errm... enjoy!)

I'm just waiting for an English Prof or a Super Scientist to make some sort of correction to this. Let's see how long until it happens.

Allow me to get technicle for a moment here, and share the technicly correct version of the story, minus the NS changes.

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."

[snip]

o.o

o.o

(Yah I know O_o)

o.o

Lol. go to general and look at my thread about Christmas carols for the Psychiatrically challenged.

Very Nice :)

I love it, both TIOR's and Ri-an's, even if it does assplode my brain! :D

I love it, both TIOR's and Ri-an's, even if it does assplode my brain! :D

Oh I have more.

Oh I have more.

(Stop trying to upstage me >_>)

:D I read this and know everything is right in the war.

I mean world.



err.... MOVE ALONG, NOTHING TO SEE HERE!