NationStates Jolt Archive

Ever since the death of his second wife, Thiensiri Theveenugul, Generalissimo J.L., once known as an iron-willed, steel-spined, indefatiguable man of unbreakable morale, had been reduced (mentally, at least) to an almost vegetative state. He never spoke, laughed, or smiled. He remained completely stationary almost every minute of the day. He never even got up to go to the bathroom, so catheters had to be inserted. Nor did he eat. He was fed intravenously. Nurses even had to brush his teeth for him. His blood pressure dropped perilously low. He developed jaundice. Most of his hair was now stark white. He lost over 15% of his body weight. Many people feared he would die, yet no one would dare tell the public, who deeply revered "Papa."

It was not just the fact that he missed her that tore apart J.L.; it was guilt, and anger directed toward himself. Had it not been for his selfish, stupid, impulsive decision to have her undergo a medical procedure that would allow her to retain her youth forever, she might be alive today. Doctors warned him, "This procedure is mostly safe, though there is a slim chance..." J.L. had just waved his hand, muttered, "Bah, to hell with it," and ordered the doctors to perform the procedure, or they would be shot by him personally.

It's my fault...all my fault, he thought. The only thing keeping him from weeping was the fact that his tear ducts had long ago run completely dry. In my...in my vain, stupid attempt to keep her young, I...I killed her. I promised her, "We'll grow old together. We'll cradle grandchildren in our laps on the rocking chair and reminisce about the good old days. Even when we're old and gray, in my eyes, you'll still be young and beautiful.

He hung his head low. Very low.

I'm sorry, Thi, he thought. Please forgive me. I'm sorry. So, so, so fucking sorry.

Finally, he regained the sensation in his legs, and was able to stand. He was hardly coordinated, and kept stumbling, as he lumbered dizzily, unsteadily, toward his bed. It had been so long since he'd moved, let alone exercised, that by the time he reached his bed (just ten feet away) he was wheezing. He collapsed, exhausted, in a heap onto the bed.

He looked around the room. No pens, no paper, nothing. Damn. So much for a suicide note. Fuck it, they'll already know why I did it, he thought. He reached under his bed, retrieving his gun. He had hidden it just before he lost his mind. When he was first committed to the institution, he had been delirious, and had gone on a berserk, ballistic frenzy, thrashing and tearing at everything in sight, cussing at imaginary enemies, screaming non-sensical accusations, and cowering in fear at the 'sight' of imaginary threats. After a few days, he had retreated into a corner, where he had remained, sullen and stone-faced.

Until today.

Pressing the gun to his temple, he smiled wryly. Can't wait to leave this piece of shit excuse for a world, he thought. I've got nothing left to live for. All right, here go-

"J.L., wait!"

He instinctively froze, recoiling in surprise at the sound of that voice. He recognized it instantly. "Thien-thiensiri?" Wide-eyed, his mouth agape, his heart pounding rapidly, his incredulous eyes blinked repeatedly, unable to fathom what they beheld.

The ghost of Thiensiri smiled. "Yes, it's me, sweetheart. You mustn't kill yourself."

"Thi...I killed you. I'm a monster, an animal, lower than a goddamn Shooban. I have no right whatsoever to live."

"J.L., it's not your fault. You must forgive yourself. You didn't kill me."

"But the procedu-"

"May have killed me. If it didn't, that's great. And if it did...you have no way of knowing. Please forgive yourself, J.L."

"Thi-"

"Just do it!"

He recoiled, shuddered. "I'll try my best," he said, dully.

"I guess that will do."

He sighed.

"Now, take me a promise, J.L."

"Anything," he said immediately.

"Promise me that you will find another woman to love."

"Never. I'll nev-"

"Promise me. I just want you to be happy. So does Eva. J.L., if you love us, please honor us by falling in love again. You are a very loving man. You can't keep it all bottled up inside. You have to share your love with someone. Only then, will you be complete as an individual. Only then will you find happiness."

"If it's what you two want...I'll do it. I'll do it!"

"Thank you, J.L. I love you, very, very much."

He smiled. "I...I love you, very, very much, too."

"Good-bye, J.L."

"Good-bye."

Her ghost slowly faded from view.

When she was gone, J.L. felt remarkably well. Not only did she forgive him...now, he found the power to forgive himself. He had a new purpose to live. He would honor the promise of his late wives, and love again. Who knew? Maybe, just maybe, he would even find happiness again.

Christine 'Tin' Peralta, former Minister of Commerce, then Minister of Religion (until the ministry was abolished), and currently Special Assistant to the President for National Security Affairs, had been infatuated with the Generalissimo since they first met. Handsome, ingenious, courteous, charismatic, witty, and with a wry sense of humor, there was nothing about him she didn't love. They had been very close friends for many years. All this time, she had longed for him, yet never had the courage to speak up, to reveal her innermost affections. Though she and Thiensiri had gotten along amicably and had been close friends, secretly, she harbored much envy (though not resentment). Every night, she dreamed of the day J.L. would cradle her in his arms, slowly run his fingers through her hair, tenderly kiss her lips...

She tried to tell herself it was silly, nothing more than the adult equivalent of a school girl crush, but there was no way she could deny it. She deeply, truly loved him, more than anyone or anything else.

After Thiensiri died, she was the only one able to comfort him, although, not wanting to disrespect Thiensiri, she had not acted on her desires. Now he was in a mental institution, and she was the only visitor he would accept. Granted, he never spoke or moved, but at least he didn't slur, "Go away!" or "Fuck off!" like he did to his other visitors. That made her feel special. Little did she know that he, too, had affections for her. Buried deep inside by his utter devotion to Thiensiri, he had never been aware of them. Now that she had passed, and now that he knew she forgave him and wanted him to love again, his affections surfaced. They were strong, powerful, as great as his had been for Thiensiri. Though he missed Thi, and loved her unconditionally- and always would- he found that he now felt the same way for Tin.

At any rate, she was astonished to receive a phone call from the institution, informing her that J.L. wished to have a "private talk" with her...

"Thank you for coming, Miss Peralta. The Generalissimo will see you now." With a curt bow, the nurse slowly opened the door, and Tin stepped into the Generalissimo's room, closing the door behind her.

To her shock and delight, the Generalissimo was sitting on his bed, beaming radiantly. His smile was broad, sunny, confident, full of warmth, zest and zeal. She had not seen him this upbeat in a long time.

"Why, J.L., sir, you look...you look great!" she said, rather lamely.

He chuckled amicably. "My dear Tin, please dispense with the formalities," he said. "We've known each other for years. No need to address me to as 'sir.'"

"I guess not," he said, blushing slightly. She cleared her throat. "I was told you wanted to see me?"

He nodded. "That's right." As briefly as he could, he relayed to her his encounter with Thiensiri. As ludicrous as the story sounded, she could tell by the solemn look in his eyes and look of utter sincerity that he was telling her the truth. Or at least, he thought he was. She did not know what to believe.

"I see...so..." She shuffled her feet awkwardly. "Well..."

He smiled, gently pulled her to him, and proceeded to kiss her. So taken aback was she, so delighted, so astonished, that the kiss deprived her of breath. Wide-eyed, smiling, her eyes alight, she breathed rapidly, her heart pounding from exhileration. She felt a jolt of energy surge through her. Invigorated, nearly frantic with excitement, she lustily kissed him back, clinging tightly to him, as she were drowning and he was a raft. He held her to him, and she nuzzled her head on his chest. Smiling, he gently laid her down on the bed, and went to go turn off the lights.

*bump*