Chaos In the Eternal Kawaii: The Kitten Revolution [Archive]

Omigodtheykilledkenny

11-12-2005, 02:32

Federal Republic not sure what to make of Kawaiian 'kitten revolt'

SANRIO CITY, The Eternal Kawaii (Paradise City Towncrier)--Unconfirmed reports of revolting sacred kittens raining destruction on the Eternal Kawaii's capital have left Federal Republic leaders scratching their heads.

"We frankly have no idea what's going on in Sanrio City," deputy Executive Office spokesman Frank Kerry told a news conference Friday. "But President Fernanda is committed to maintaining stability in HOCEK, no matter the cost."

Kawaiian citizens and otaku have been reporting chaos in their capital city since Wednesday, most claiming that the culprits are their national animal, the sanrio kitten, which dwells on nearby Sanrio Mountain and is regarded by the country's strict, ultrareligious society as sacred. Many claim the revolt is a manifestation of their god's wrath.

Reports of violence in the notoriously secretive theocratic nation are difficult to confirm, and it remains unclear to Federal Republic officials whether the riots are an actual supernatural event, or if Kawaiian citizens are simply caught up in a fit of mass hysteria, not unlike the widespread panic caused by the infamous 1938 "War of the Worlds" broadcasts.

At the risk of editorializing, these Kawaiian cultists are crazy, so much so, in fact, that they are convinced they have triggered the Apocalypse by yanking on a lever in a public park. The very idea is just so utterly preposterous it makes readers' heads want to explode.

Federal Republic officials are concerned, however, that instability may result in a regime change in The Eternal Kawaii, which Omigodtheykilledkenny already suspects of developing a nuclear program. "We don't know if the government will survive these so-called riots or not," said Defense Department spokeswoman Regina Prince. "But we fear that whatever regime does emerge from this chaos will not be one committed to mitigating worldwide nuclear proliferation."

Federal Republic embassy officials in Sanrio City claim the ambassador, televangelist Enid Strict, has escaped to a "secure, undisclosed location" outside the capital and unavailable for comment. On her public-access program, however, Strict did comment on the situation. "The Eternal Kawaii has sunk into Armageddon. Well now, isn't that special? ... And what do these unpleasant events tell us which 'god' these supposedly 'devout' Kawaiians have actually been worshiping all these years? Oh, I don't knooow ... could it beeee ... SATAN?!!"

The Kawaiian Nuncio to the Federal Republic was similarly unreachable. Spokesmen at the HOCEK OMGTKK Embassy and Kawaiian Health Spa say he is on a nature retreat, "communing with the Cute One," though spa customers claim to have sighted him on several occasions trekking into the wilderness toward the penguin colonies.The doors to the underground Executive Residence Situation Room burst open. "Ten-hut!" a voice commanded, and all personnel seated around the table, military and civilian, stood as the president entered with his chief of staff.

"Welcome back to Paradise City, Mr. President," said the defense secretary.

The president only glared at him as he took his seat at the end of the long table.

"Yes, I know you didn't want to be disturbed during your vacation on Tiki Taki, sir, but this is a most critical moment in our relationship with the Eternal Kawaii," Sec. Valentine continued.

"Do we actually know what's going on over there?" queried Fernanda.

"Whether the sacred kittens are revolting or not, we do know that the capital has plunged into pandemonium, Mr. President," replied Dr. Karen Greene, the national security advisor.

"So how does that affect us?"

"Mr. President, our UN sources tell us that HOCEK has been mulling a nuclear program for months now," said Valentine, "and this gives us a critical opportunity to disarm this Hello Kitty-worshiping Taliban, if necessary."

Fernanda sighed. "We don't have any forces in the area to invade, and it would take weeks to deploy them," he said.

"No, but we do have a small carrier unit refueling in the Anime region--"

"Isn't that convenient?"

"Yes, sir. They could accomodate a much smaller incursion to conduct reconnaissance operations, investigate HOCEK's capabilities, and advise us from there."

"A secret raid?"

"Yes, Mr. President."

"But even if they do have a nuclear program, couldn't we just wait for the kittens to destroy it?"

Laughter.

"Mr. President, the HOCEK Nuncio to the Federal Republic, we feel, is in actuality a spy, and he has been trying to steal state secrets about our military-grade penguins for weeks now. In all likelihood, HOCEK is a threat to the Federal Republic, and we must respond." The vigor in Valentine's voice was growing.

"Give the carrier a red light and put them on high alert," directed Fernanda.

"Say, why are these Kawaiians so scared of a few kittens, anyway?" asked Valentine.

"You're one to talk, Charlie! You're afraid of the Muppets."

"Hey!" Valentine protested, to laughter. "Their whole heads flap when they talk! It's just freaky!!"

Fernanda waited for the chuckles to subside. "How are we going to get past these religious nutjobs, anyway?"

"Don't worry about that, Mr. President. We have our secret weapon."

*____*____*

The rattling of helipcopter blades broke the air as two Black Hawks landed on a grassy hill on the outskirts of Sanrio City, and about two dozen elite women fighters leapt from them. The top couple of buttons on all their shirts were open, displaying a fair amount of cleavage as they looked down on the city. Distant sirens sounded; nearly all the streets were clogged with emergency vehicles. Plumes of smoke rose from piles of rubble, presumably collapsed buildings -- and other buildings appeared on the verge of collapse.

"There's our target," said the squadron leader, pointing at one of the few structures untouched by the fray: a medium-sized temple situated away from the center of town.

...

Otaku in various colored robes were holding vigil inside beneath a huge specter of the Cute One, their angry deity, staring down on the altar. Moments later, the lights went out and glass shattered as lady fighters broke through the windows and the front entrance.

A red-robed otaku stepped forward to confront the women. "What in the name of the Eternal Kawaii (mtCObp) is the meaning of this??" he demanded.

Without a word, three of the well-endowed women, one carrying a boombox, the other two strobe lights, strode toward the altar and began to set up the equipment. Seconds later, the strobes were piercing the shadows and Christina Aguilera's "Dirrty" was echoing throughout the holy chamber. The rest of the women skipped for the altar and soon enough were desecrating it with an exotic dance as they started to undo their tops and show the gentlemen their goods.

Appalled at the sacrilegious display, the otaku shielded their eyes and began to flee their sanctuary. "Cute One preserve us!!" a few of them shrieked. A few brown-robed junior otaku stayed behind, seeming to enjoy the show before remembering themselves and running out after their superiors.

Moments later, the music died. The squad leader took out her radio. "We have acquired the target; we have our temporary command base."

"Ten-four," squawked the male voice on the other end.

The squad leader smiled at her excellent officers. The Stripper Commandos had just executed the Federal Republic's first incursion into the Eternal Kawaii.

The Eternal Kawaii

13-12-2005, 03:06

Sanrio City. A city of peace, cuteness and joy. A city now in flames. Amid the ruins of this once-mighty metropolis, gangs of roving Sanrio kittens meandered about, pouncing upon any and all signs of movement.

Meanwhile, huddled in the burned-out shells of buildings, throngs of otaku prepared to respond to the assault by the cute, furry animals they once revered.

"Ready men?" the leader of the otaku-assembly whispered.

His men murmered and nodded.

"Nets deployed?"

"Aye, your grace."

"Remember. Not a hair on their heads is to be harmed. They may have become the Scourge of the Cute One, but they are still the sacred beloved of the Eternal Kawaii (mtCObp). I want no thought of revenge to enter your hearts--we're merely going to try and restore the balance between Man and Kitten."

The leader said a brief prayer, and the net-armed otaku marched forth. Marched to capture the furry horde en masse, or perish in the process.

---

Meanwhile, in the The Temple of the Eternal Kawaii in downtown Sanrio City, the Stripper Commandos of Omigodtheykilledkenny were finishing their securing of OMGTKK's beachhead. The leader of the commandos smiled; the look on the fleeing otakus' faces as they deserted their post was priceless. Now the Temple grounds were theirs, and from there Sanrio City in all its disorder was ripe for the taking.

The Stripper Commando Chief looked up at the magnificent icon of the Eternal Kawaii placed in the center of the temple. A statue of a large, squat kitten with black button eyes, small yellow nose and apparently no mouth. Why no mouth? the Commando thought, staring at the statue. It gazed back serenely, its expressionless face one of timeless wisdom, the kind of visage one could be lost for hours contemplating...

The chief suddenly shook her head. Crazy thing, she thought, scowling. No wonder these wackos worship it. How long was I out staring at that idiot statue?

She checked her watch. Good, H-hour had not passed yet. She glanced back at the statue, and shivered, having the weirdest sensation that the giant, expressionless kitten was staring right at her. She turned way, and that's when she heard it--a soft meowing noise.

Looking around in alarm, the chief looked around. The statue of the Eternal Kawaii was no longer the only thing staring at her. Surrounding it was dozens, perhaps hundreds of Sanrio kittens. The small fuzzy creatures looked at her with the same expressionless face as their massive icon, and slowly began advancing towards her...

Omigodtheykilledkenny

13-12-2005, 08:01

The squad commander stood dumbfounded as the holy kittens hurled themselves at her, fiercely clawing wherever their paws could reach. As she collapsed to the ground beneath the horde of kittens, she saw her loyal officers, standing in position behind the rampaging feline. She blacked out.

...

What seemed like moments later, the commander awoke to find her officers standing over her, their uniforms ripped and torn so that even more cleavage was showing. Their hair was unkempt; they were breathing heavily.

"Thank God, Commander. We thought you were a goner."

"What the hell happened?" she asked, just before she realized her head was pounding. She looked down on herself, and saw she was covered with only a thin sheet. The kittens had torn her clothes clean off. She stung all over from the clawing.

"Sanrio kittens, Commander. Apparently they're real."

The commander held her head as she tried to sit up. Then she saw all the damage that had been dealt to the interior of the once-proud temple.

"Look at what these things did to their own temple!" she marveled.

"Ummm, that was us, commander. We, uhh, had some problems trying to subdue them."

"Yeah," another officer chimed in. "We couldn't overpower them. There were just too many, and damn! they're strong. Stripping for 'em don't work, either; that just leaves more flesh for them to claw at."

"So how'd you get rid of them?"

"We threw some catnip in the corner, and they all just swarmed all over it. That gave us the opportunity to catch them with these nets you insisted on bringing."

"They took the salmon and chicken MRE bait, too. That helped us catch the rest of them."

"So you couldn't kill any of these ... these ... things?"

"'Fraid not, ma'am. But if they do come this way again, we've sprayed some trees nearby with catnip. That should divert them, hold them off."

The commander breathed a sigh of relief. "You all thought I was crazy when I said we'd need that shit by the barrel-full." She suddenly noticed that one of their number was not with them.

"Johnson! Where is she?"

"Ma'am, Johnson's gone ..." the officer choked up a bit, "... she's gone to that Big Stripper Pole in the Sky!" The officers removed their berets and lowered them to their ample chests in respect for their fallen comrade.

"No!"

There was some sobbing, but the commander quickly shook it off. "Well, girls, we've got to see this mission through, to the end. This isn't about conquest! This is about learning the Kawaiians' nuclear capabilties, to see if they're a threat to our children. We've got to learn the truth about these bastards ... and make up 'the truth' where necessary! Do it for Johnson!"

Gaia Rodina

13-12-2005, 08:06

OOC-This just keeps getting weirder and weirder...

Funny...yet weird...

Gaian Ascendancy

13-12-2005, 08:11

((OC- Well, it was all bound to happen sooner or later someplace.. =oo= ))

Omigodtheykilledkenny

13-12-2005, 17:10

"Ten-hut!" the voice commanded as the doors to the Situation Room opened and the president and chief of staff entered. The defense secretary and Joint Chiefs all stood up to greet their Commander in Chief as he sat down.

"Where are the K.M.S. Loch Ness and the K.M.S. Mrs. Garrison?" asked the president, naming the carriers he had deployed to the Anime region the day before.

"They've left the Southern Ocean, sir, and are now in the South Pacific. They should reach Anime in a few days," said Valentine.

"So what are we up to now?" asked Fernanda.

"Sir, there is some grave news about the Eternal Kawaii's nuclear capabilities. Fortunately, we have established a satellite link-up with the commandos. A few of them are at a suspected nuclear site right now."

One of the flash screens lining the wall of the Situation Room showed a fuzzy picture of the Stripper Commandos outside a large complex.

The president looked at them strangely. "Why are they in tiny little sailor outfits?" he asked.

"Sir, in order to slip through Sanrio City unnoticed, they have had to disguise themselves as Kawaiian Happiness Police."

"Good afternoon, Commnader!" Valentine said to the flash screen.

A pause; there was a delay in the link-up.

"Hello, Mr. Secretary! We have found a nuclear site just outside Sanrio City, and we fear the Kawaiian capabilities are far beyond what we suspected."

There was a grave look on the president's face as the defense secretary smiled. "Excellent work, Commander."

He turned to Fernanda. "Mr. President, the intelligence they've gathered indicates they could be well under a year away from completing a nuclear weapon. And with them spying on us, the threat is all the more serious."

Fernanda looked to his chief of staff, then back at Valentine. "Do we need to make the call now? Our forces are far from their target."

"No, Mr. President. We still have a window of a week or two to locate more sites."

"Very well, then." He stood up, and the rest of the company stood with him as he and chief of staff exited the room. The Joint Chiefs sat back down, while the defense secretary turned to the flash screen.

A commando ripped off strips of masking tape upon which she had scrawled the words "NUCLEAR WEAPONS FACTORY" from a sign to reveal what it actually said: "BABY ASPIRIN FACTORY."

"So, now do we get what's coming to us?" demanded the commander.

"Yes, yes, you'll all have lucrative jobs in the classiest high-class escort agencies in Paradise City when you return. I've already made the arrangements."

"Good, 'cause girls gotta eat."

"If you find a few more 'sites' in the coming week or two, we'll even throw in up-armored Lamborghinis with shatter-proof glass. None of Paradise City's notorious terrorists will be able to disrupt your work."

The connection died and the secretary turned back to the Joint Chiefs. A small green figure had joined them.

"Heidy-ho! Kermit the Frog here ... !"

Valentine yelped and dove under the table as the generals laughed hysterically. The Air Force general pulled his hand from Kermit's backside and flung the puppet the table at the secretary.

Domain of Kei

13-12-2005, 18:34

Colonel Ryoko, the Ambassador from The SWNMBO Queendon of the Domain of Kei, went to see President Fernanda with her Tachikoma in tow. She Approched the President and said,
"Mr. President, I have a letter addressed to You from my Queen, Kei."

President Fernanda opened the letter. He began to read.

<Greetings President Fernanda,
Long time no see.Ever since we moved to Anime we hardly ever see you anymore. Any way we have heard of the troubles in Kawaii, and of your mission. Never mind how, us girls have to have our little secrets. Anyway I am willing to offer you material and logistics support, from our nation. The misgided Kawaiians, like others,fail to recoginize the Infinite cuteness of my butt. In addditon to logistics, we will also offer some Tachikomas to help out. The Tachikomas are loyal, got loads of firepower, have great personalities, and have a great aversion to kittens. Please let me know, through normal channels.
XXXOOO,
-Kei "My butt is infinatly cuter than Yuri's">

President Fernanda looked up at the 5' spiderlike Tachikoma cheerfully singing Ring around the Roses. he then asked Colonel Ryoko, "Are you sure those...things are safe and dislike kittens?" Colonel Ryoko replied," Abosolutely. They are kinda like kids sometimes, but they mean well, and they pack a punch. Right Tachikoma." The robot said in a cheerful childlike voice,"YAY!"

The Eternal Kawaii

15-12-2005, 01:45

Thanks to the twin veils of physical remoteness and psychological xenophobia guarding the lands of the Eternal Kawaii, the average Kawaiian citizen rarely if ever comes into contact with foreign nationals. So when the Average Kawaiian Citizen who was standing guard holed up in the Sanrio City Baby Aspirin Factory saw the sailor-suit clad squadron of Kennyite Stripper Commandos approach his place of work, he fell for the camoflague without a thought. Happiness Police! Here? Time to look busy. Stashing away his copy of not-exactly-suitable-for-public-display literature (Miko Vs. Maid Volume VII -- Invasion of the Cat-Girls), he straighted up and prepared to greet the guardians of his homeland's morality.

Only to hear them talking in a strange, broad and hidiously casual accent. Despite the cleverness of their physical disguise, there was no way a Stripper Commando could master the demure, formal yet playful lilt of a Kawaiian girl's voice.

"So now do we get what's coming to us?"

"Good, 'cause a girl's gotta eat."

The Average Kawaiian Citizen hid himself carefully, staring in shock at the faux-Happiness Police. Foreigners! he thought to himself. We're being invaded!

He waited silently for the squadron to move on, then hustled out of the factory as fast as he could go. Curfew or no curfew, the threat of Sanrio kitten attack notwithstanding, he had to alert the otaku, the army--anyone!

The Palentine

15-12-2005, 18:40

OOC: I've got to add my two cents to this thread. Sorry Kawaii, but my 8 year old niece has inflicted too much Hello Kitty, and Little Fairy Sugar videos on me when I babysit her.

IC.

THe Sqadron of Palentine Naval Dolphins swam close to the shores of THe Eternal Kawaii. They were on loan to Ohmigodtheykilledkenny's naval forces as mine detectors and scouts looking for Bloodthirsty Dolphin sabateurs. Needless to say they were in their normal cheerful mood. CPO Nolly spoke first
"What kind of <censored> place is this? Even the <censored> fish look cute."
"Thats for sure, Chief!", Petty Officer Kris replied, "I certainly don't want to eat the <unbelievably gross explitive> fish." Seaman First Class Nipper swam up and reported,"Chief, no mines or sabateurs in our area! however something<explitive> funny is going on at the beaches!"
"What do you mean <censored> funny?" asked CPO Nolly. "The <censored><Foul word>Kawaiians are gathered on the beaches looking verry frightened!", replied Nipper. CPO Nolly thought for a moment then a smile appeared on the CPO's face. The Chief said, "Spank me and call me Belinda! Gather the pod. We're going to introduce ourselves in our own special way!" THe pod of dolphins gathered and swam close to the beaches. The frightened citizens brightened when they saw the Dolphins, after all, everyone knows that dolphins are cheerful and beloved by children everywhere. Soon the joy turned to horror as the dolphins broke out in a rousing chorus of One Balled O'Reilley and Cornholed Dan Magrew. Then the dolphins let loose with a burst of profanity that would make even a hardened DI faint. As the Kawaiians screamed and cried in Horror, the Palentine Naval Dolphins swam away laughing and congratulating themselves.

The Eternal Kawaii

15-12-2005, 20:57

General ######, head of the Eternal Kawaii's Elite Ninja Homeguard Squardons, stared in disbelief at the reports he was receiving. The Sanrio kitten panic appeared to be spreading, and getting more and more bizarre as time passed. Female demons attacking the Temple of the Eternal Kawaii? Cursing dolphins? His chaplain-in-chief was little help either--crazy otaku, always seeing the hand of the Cute One in every falling leaf. True, the General was a faithful follower of his nation's religion, but he didn't get where he was today by indulging in mysticism. Divinely inspired or not, he reminded himself, the threat he was gearing up to face was real, physical.

In that way he steeled himself as for his latest bit of intelligence. A junior officer entered, the Average Kawaiian Citizen in tow. The officer said, "We found this man skulking about HQ. He claims we're under attack. I was going to send him packing, sir, but his story seems to jibe with the report of the 'demons' at the Temple..."

"Very well soldier," the General sighed. Looking over the obviously frightened civilian, he said calmy, "Okay...out with it."

The Average Kawaiian Citizen stumbled over himselve trying to explain the visitation by the foreign women disguised as Happiness Police. He was interrupted several times by the Chaplain-in-Chief, who kept needling him for details. What did the women look like? How many? Describe their accent...

It was a long interrogation, but when it was over, the General looked at the Chaplain-in-Chief and growled. "'Demons', huh? No offense, your grace, but your 'demons' sound all too human to me."

"But...how can that be?" stammered the Chaplain-in-Chief. "Surely you don't believe a foreign nation would invade us with women?"

The Chaplain thought he was being rhetorical. Like most of his countrymen, the customs of foreign nations were, well, foreign to him. And like any good Kawaiian, he grew up believing in the well-defined roles for women and men in his country. Women simply did not serve in the military--it was unthinkable.

The General, on the other hand, also did not get where he was by ignoring the outside world, or relying solely on tradition. The idea of a female invasion force, as fantastic as it sounded, was not beyond his comprehension.

"Unfortunately, I do," he said calmly. "A pity. Demons my ninja can fight. Women I'm not so sure about..."

Omigodtheykilledkenny

17-12-2005, 04:58

FEDERAL REPUBLIC ON WAR FOOTING

PARADISE CITY (Town Crier) -- Patriotic Kennyites all over the nation are expressing their outrage over the death of an elite Army sergeant who had recently been deployed to the Eternal Kawaii to protect the Kenny Embassy there during a period of unrest in that country. The Defense Department in a surprise announcement Thursday claimed she was killed by a Kawaiian death squad.

President Fernanda has ordered a high-alert defense stance for all border and port agencies, as well as all major cities, Executive Office staffers said. Fernanda himself has said little, save a brief national address he gave the evening of the Defense Department's announcement, where he urged Kennyites to be vigilant, said the nation "must respond to this atrocity," and also announced that warplanes would be patrolling the skies over all major Kennyite cities.

Fernanda has retreated to the desert isle of Tiki Taki to "hold an emergency summit with national security officials, where he will be weighing options to address the Kawaiian threat," an Executive Office spokesman said Friday.

Defense Department officials also claim that aside from nationwide civil unrest and recent bloody actions taken against Kenny Embassy security personnel, The Eternal Kawaii has also been secretly progressing a nuclear program "for months now."

"They are a real and growing threat to our nation, and to peace and security throughout the world," said Defense Secretary Charlie Valentine in a Friday morning news conference. "We cannot allow such dangerous religious extremists to arm themselves with a nuclear arsenal."

Meanwhile, Kennyites are turning anger at the death of Sgt. Kristen Johnson into resolve. Kenny flags all over the nation are at half-mast, and many others are appearing on cars, trucks, boats, front doors, front yards -- anywhere the white and navy can be flown. A recent Fox News/Town Crier poll shows that nine out of 10 Kennyites approve of the job Fernanda is doing as president, and that another 89 percent approve of taking military action against the Eternal Kawaii.On the sunny shores of Tiki Taki, far away from the problems at home, sat the president on a recliner, clad only in his beach shorts, with twin Tiki Taki native girls in his lap. Seagulls cried overhead, waves gently crashed against the shore, and the everpresent, intoxicating aroma of island blossoms tantalized every nose within reach. The trio were smiling, teasing each other and giggling, and Fernanda didn't even seem to mind that his companions didn't speak any English. Gettin' it on was a universal language.

As one of the girls began to stroke Fernanda's hair, Sec. Tehrani appeared behind them. "Mr. President, Valentine and Greene are here; we have to discuss Kawaii," he said.

"Man, I am so sick of hearing about that place!" Fernanda barked over his shoulder. "Can't we just nuke them into oblivion?! That would solve everybody's problems!"

"We can discuss that later," Tehrani said. "But now we have to assess the situation on the ground in Kawaii. There are at least two dozen Stripper Commandos there that we need to get out ..."

"Oh, blah, blah, blah!" whined Fernanda. "I'll be along. Just let me finish up my 'conference' here."

He turned back to his companions. "That's right, I can launch nuclear missiles and everything, baby!" he cooed at one of them rubbing his chest.

[Dramatic march music plays as flashy graphics cross the screen to form a giant image of Hello Kitty, adorned with the words, "MAY THE CUTE ONE BE BOMBED." The graphics fade as the attractive blonde appears at a news desk.]

Continuing Fox News coverage of the crisis in the Eternal Kawaii. Hello, everyone, I'm Laurie Dhue. Polls show massive support for military action and for the president as he works at his Tiki Taki getaway, planning a right and just war to liberate nearly 1.4 billion people from an oppressive theocratic regime and eliminate the threat of weapons of mass destruction. Meanwhile, the nation continues to mourn the death of a Kennyite Exotic Commando, Sgt. Kristen Johnson, who was stationed in that troubled nation to guard the Federal Republic's embassy there. Her turn-ons included long walks on the beach, men who weren't afraid to take risks or spend exorbitant amounts of money on her ...A stadium was packed to overflow Saturday night, as over 80,000 patriotic football fans filled its rows wearing Kenny T-shirts, Kenny sweaters, Kenny sweatshirts, Kenny facepaint, Kenny earrings, Kenny hairpieces, Kenny necklaces; every other one of them waving the Kenny flag, and all of them bundled up appropriately (just like Kenny) for Omigodtheykilledkenny's chilling Antarctic weather. Cheers rang out among the bustling audience as young R&B superstar Deacon (http://coweb.cc.gatech.edu:8888/art/uploads/3/usher.bmp) approached the microphone on the makeshift platform at the 50-yard line.

He paused as he surveyed the dramatic assembly of humanity seated all around him, then he raised a defiant fist and screamed into the cold: "FUCK HOCEK!!!" as the angry crowd roared its approval.

Then he launched into a rousing rendition of the Kenny National Anthem (http://www.putfile.com/media.php?n=Metallica---South-Park---Little-Boy-your).

The Eternal Kawaii

17-12-2005, 20:48

The HOCEK Nuncio to OMGTKK pounded on the telephone repeatedly, his normally calm demeanor fraying badly. Grant me peace, Cute One, grant me peace... he prayed repeatedly, trying not to shout at the operator as he pleaded, "This is a DIPLOMATIC EMERGENCY, ma'am! I MUST speak with President Fernanda! Or Secretary Tehrani. Or anyone in their State Department!" he added, desparately.

He glanced over his shoulder, looking out the upper window of the ski-lodge embassy. The crowd of Hari Krishas and airport pamphleteers had grown considerably, and was taking an ugly turn. Rude anti-Kawaii chants could be heard. Thankfully the Shirt Ninja had thoroughly barricaded the lodge, for they were well and truly under seige.

"Yes, State Department. This is the Nuncio of the Holy Otaku Church of the Eternal Kawaii--"

*click*

Huh? thought the Nuncio, and scowled as he started pounding buttons again.

-------------

Meanwhile, the Great Sanrio Kitten Roundup had begun in earnest. It was a process of trial-and-error, and many good and faithful otaku bore the scars of kitten scratches as they tried vainly to net the rampaging creatures before Sanrio City was completely leveled.

However, by the second day the tide turned, thanks to the faith of one nameless junior otaku. Rather than actually try to net the kittens as ordered, he had strode out defenselessly into a swarm of them. The kittens paused from their dismantling of an SUV and circled around the young priest, meowing dangerously. He simply stood there and opened up the net, and politely asked the kitten at the front of the mob, "Would you mind me taking you back home, sir?"

The other otaku stared in disbelief as the lead kitten in the mob walked calmly into the net, and allowed itself to be bagged up. How foolish of us, their squadron leader thought. These are Sanrio kittens, after all. How could we doubt their civility?

From then on, the roundup proceeded swiftly. With the proper bows, greetings and ceremony, the otaku civilly asked the kittens one by one to accept their offer of a return home, to Mount Sanrio where they had wandered from.

--------------

Meanwhile, on Mount Sanrio, a lone human figure struggled against the tree she was tied to. It was the "late" Commando Johnson, the Stripper Commando believed killed during the assault of the Sanrio kittens upon the foreigners who had dared to defile the Temple of the Eternal Kawaii. Somehow the kittens had managed to overpower her and drag her back alive into the forested slopes of the sacred mountain.

She snarled at the half-dozen or so kittens prowling around the tree, and let loose a stream of expletives that would make the proverbial sailor blush. Commando Johnson, however, was unaware of the equally proverbial placidity of Sanrio kittens, their current orgy of destruction notwithstanding. The commando paused as the kittens bowed respectfully to her and began bringing out a carpet and an assortment of small chinaware objects, and trays of sweet-smelling foodstuffs.

It was a night for many stares of disbelief, apparently. Commando Johnson watched the kittens setting up, well, whatever it was in front of her. She tilted her head in confusion and thought, Are these guys holding a tea party?

One of the kittens bowed politely to her again, and offered her a slice of cake.

--------------

Meanwhile, the commander of the Kennyite Stripper Commando force reviewed her force's situation. Not bad, but not good. So far she and her girls had been able to dodge the rampaging Sanrio kittens and scurrying otaku, but things had gotten worse--Martial Law had been declared, and the Kawaiian military had gotten involved. Platoons of Shirt Ninja, decked out in their usual black unmarked uniforms, were sweeping the city, looking for anyone who was out on the streets without authorization. Fortunately, the storefront building they were hiding out in for the moment was one of the few structures the kittens handn't gotten around to destroying. Now, if they could just make contact with the main Kennyite forces and arrange an extraction.

"Ma'am..." the commander heard a shaky voice say, "...you really gotta have a look at this."

The commander turned around and found one of her subordinates, looking over the contents of a file drawer with (wait for it...) wide-eyed disbelief. The subordinate commando pulled up what looked like a comic book, which was logical since that was exactly what it was. She showed it to the commander, who began leafing through it.

"There's tons of them here, ma'am. This must be a comics shop or something."

The commander stared at the contents of the comic book, matching the wide-eyed expression of her subordinate. As a Stripper Commando, she had seen many lurid and sexually explicit things in her life. None of it, however, had prepared her for the discovery of one of the Eternal Kawaii's little-known social quirks: the hentai manga culture.

Omigodtheykilledkenny

18-12-2005, 23:19

[Manuelo Fernanda delivers a live televised speech to the nation:]

My fellow countrymen, this has been a trying time for all of us. This astonishing predicament for my administration and our nation has placed a fair amount of stress on me personally, and I can assure you all that we are actively taking the necessary steps to resolve this situation. I, too, was stunned and saddened when the princess of Hailenstine came forward to announce that she was pregnant and I was the father of her child, and I want to tell you right now that these accusations are false. And as for the Hailenstinian king's demands for a paternity test and his personal attacks on my character ...

[The signal suddenly goes black.

[An excited bustling breaks out among the cameramen and crew, the president's handlers and staff, all situated in the president's office and who until moments ago had been watching their boss give a national address. "What the hell happened?" asks one frantic staffer over the din. "They fed the wrong speech into the TelePrompter!" replies another. The bustling dies down.]

Get it right this time, you fucking morons ...

["Umm, Mr. President, you're live again," whispers the chief of staff. Momentarily, the president stares into the camera like a deer caught in the headlights.]

Oh, right. [clears throat.] Fellow countrymen, the crisis that has descended upon our nation will not go unaddressed. The failure of the Kawaiian government to disarm their nuclear program, which unchecked may pose an imminent threat to us all, creates a grave situation for our nation and its security. We cannot allow a totalitarian regime of religious extremists to arm themselves with nuclear weapons. Acting on my orders, the Kenny Armed Forces are already carrying out our nation's response to the Kawaiian regime as we speak, and are currently delivering the Doomsday Weapon to the heart of Sanrio City ...

*____*____*

[A Kennyite Black Hawk lands in the midst of the Sanrio City chaos (which had started to die down now that many kittens were responding to the otaku's polite offer to return them to their home on Sanrio Mountain). Otaku, Happiness Policewoman, ninja and kitten alike all turned to face the helicopter intruding upon their homeland, and watch curiously as Ashlee Simpson energetically hops from the vehicle along with her band and road crew, which quickly act to set up the equipment on the amphitheater stage in the public park at the center of the city, the very same park that the Kawaiians insanely claimed that the magic lever triggering the Apocalypse had appeared. Simpson bounds for the microphone as her band gets in place behind her.

["Whoo!" she shrieks happily. "Sanrio City! How y'all doing?!" Her band starts up her first number, the amplifiers blasting their imitation punk pop throughout the scarred capital, and Simpson begins to "sing": "HEY! HOW LONG TILL THE MUSIC DROWNS YOU OUT! DON'T PUT WORDS UP IN MY MOUTH! I DIDN'T STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND! ..." She seems to wail the lyrics at her onlookers, with no semblance of a tune or melody whatsoever, and the cacophony begins to take its toll on some of the kittens who had just acceded to the otaku's diplomacy, jumping out of their nets and and racing around frantically, squealing over the awful music. Some resume their rampage on the city, all the while Simpson persisting with her musical assault on the Kawaiian nation: "... HEY! HOW LONG TILL YOU FACE WHAT'S GOIN' ON? 'CAUSE YOU REALLY GOT IT WRONG!! I DIDN'T STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND!!"]

The Eternal Kawaii

20-12-2005, 04:14

The HOCEK Nuncio to Omigodtheykilledkenny sighed, and finally set down the phone. Clearly the Kenny Phone Company was no help--land line communication through Paradise City was cut. He turned to his deputy and said, "The satellite communications gear. Have your guys been able to make it work yet?"

"Barely, your grace," the deputy Nuncio replied. "Being this close to the polar regions plays havoc with with the equipment. We're still unable to raise the home office. It's hard enough just getting signals from off-continent."

The Nuncio figited. Being incommucado was to be expected, he was told when he embarked on this project. The Conclave of Friendship, however, never briefed him on what should happen if his hosts decided to declare war. The fact that he knew nothing at all about the Sanrio kitten situation other than what he could glean from the (obviously biased, if not utterly fabricated) Kennyite press made matters worse.

"I hate to do this, but we're going to have to invoke outside help. See if you can raise any third country, and do whatever you can to get them to patch a relay to our UN Nunciate."

--------------

The General groaned, and sat back. It had been a good day. His Chaplain-in-Chief informed him that the Sanrio kitten roundup had made good progress, with about 2/3rds of the kittens out of the city and on their way back to their home territory. Then, apparently, disaster struck. Unbeknownst to the platoons of Shirt Ninja patrolling the city, a single Kennyite aircraft had penetrated Kawaiian airspace and landed in Tezuka Square, in the heart of the remaining kitten stronghold. Something--reports were not clear, and he wasn't about to accept another "it's a demon!" explanation--had appeared in the square, and the remaining Sanrio kittens had gone bezerk. No amount of politeness or cajoling seemed to pacify them now, and they went about their destructive frenzy with threefold energy.

"It's the foreigners," his adjutant replied. "Here, we've managed to get a spotter near their position." The junior officer flipped a few switches on his comms gear, and a blurry image of the square appeared on the screen. The loudspeakers crackled, and came alive with caterwauling. Not Sanrio kitten howls, but the "music" Ms. Simpson and her band were putting out.

The General and his adjutant screamed in pain and covered their ears until the sound was mercifully muted.

"That's it...no more playing around," snarled the General. "I want all our forces focused on Tezuka Square," he ordered. "Noone is to be left alive."

"We'll do no such thing," the Chaplain-in-Chief replied calmly behind him.

The General whirled and glared at the senior otaku from the Conclave of Peace. "And by whose authority are you countermanding my orders?" he barked.

"By the authority of common sense, General," the Chaplain replied calmly. "We've only just beginning to understand the kittens' motives here. Calmness, peace and serenity are the only ways to keep them from destroying what's left of the city."

"You saw what those foreigners are doing! They're stirring them up!"

"Yes. Proof of their evil intentions. But how do you think the kittens would react if they saw us using violence against them?"

The General paused. This is why he disliked working with otaku. "You're the expert on them, your grace. You tell me."

"I'm no expert, but I can tell you it will most likely undo all the progress we've made. You're risking turning the entire kindle against us, not just the remaining holdouts."

"Well then," the General replied with a digusted sigh, "what's your solution?"

"Rather than apply force to force, use the enemy's strength against them," the Chaplain replied. "If they're sending singing harpies to enrage the kittens, use the musical setting to neutralize the effect. There's one thing a Sanrio kitten can't resist--a cute idol singer. And we have a limitless supply of those."

New Dornalia

20-12-2005, 04:24

OOC: Is it too late to intervene?

Palentine UN Office

21-12-2005, 23:25

OOC: Is it too late to intervene?

OOC. I hope not, my 8 year old niece forced me to watch 2 more hours of cute anime. So unfortunately Kawaii's gotta pay. Sorry old boy!<bowing to Kawaii>

Palentine UN Office

21-12-2005, 23:36

The Happiness office was floating in the surf on a boogie board near a medical rest spa for Happiness police officers. She was at ground zero during the initial crisis and after vallently trying to do her best, finally had a breakdown. She was evacuated to this area with some other valiant officers. Now she was relaxing and swimming in the warm waters, oblivious to the danger approaching her from below. A Dolphin surfaced near her chittering cheerfully and eyeing her lithe body. She smiled at first when she saw this beloved creature. then her smile froze into a mask of sheer horror when she saw the rank insignia of a CPO, and Palentine markings on the Dolphin.

"Hey Baby! You've got really great<cesored>Ta-tas! and a hot <censored><foul word>butt! Lets say you and I find a nice secluded cove where we can<censored><foul word><explitive><inbelievably gross word> until we're <censored> sore!"

As the Happiness officer blushed and let out a klaxton scream heard all the way at the spa, the Dolphin laughed and swam back to from whence it came.

The Eternal Kawaii

22-12-2005, 05:22

OOC: Is it too late to intervene?

OOC: Well, Our Nunciate in OMGTKK is still trying to reach the outside world.

New Dornalia

22-12-2005, 21:44

OOC: Well, Our Nunciate in OMGTKK is still trying to reach the outside world.

OOC: Okay. Because the Real Anime Liberation Movement might want to pay a visit.

IC:

While Kimiko Ayasugi-Moua and the other RALM brass were out, Michele Gincarelli ran the house, commanding RALM operations in his spare time.

While watching Xenizen News, he had heard of the Kitten Revolt, mostly from the Offbeat News section. The Nunciate of that other great anime cult, the Eternal Kawaii's Holy Church of the Kawaii, was asking for aid in putting down a domestic disturbance of some kind, involving kittens. Michele shrugged, it was wierd, but Dr. Antonescu's work proved that there were wierder things.

He then, using the name of the Strike Committee, wired a telegram to the Nunciate-

"HOCEK Nunciate-

The Real Anime Liberation Movement is sad to see our brothers in animedom come under internal chaos. We offer the use of our Tokko-Rikkusentai SpecOps and other resources from our affilitates to see that this insurgency goes to a favorable conclusion.

The RALM Strike Committee"

Omigodtheykilledkenny

23-12-2005, 07:16

[Early morning, Sanrio City. An eerie calm has settled over the twilit Kawaiian capital, but of course it is a false calm. Soon enough, air-raid sirens are screaming throughout the city streets as the boom of anti-aircraft fire awakes any Sanrio citizen not already awake before the crack of dawn. A terrible roar of warplanes thunders overhead as the otaku and Happiness Police, standing watch over their city by night, look apprehensively upward to see odd silhouettes of some kind of bird against the angry glow from the AAA fire, flying swiftly for them. The objects grow larger and larger in the sky. Yes, they are definitely some kind of bird, they appear to be almost ... penguins? But penguins can't fly!

[Of course, they weren't flying, but falling at a rapid speed, exploding with terrible firy as they hit the ground. An awful red-orange glow flashes through the dimly lit city streets as mushroom clouds raise toward the heavens and quickly dissipate, leaving behind only columns of smoke and flame. More and more penguins follow, raining their terror on the Kawaiian capital, as every few seconds brings another explosion to herald the Federal Republic's wrath.

[The terrified otaku and Happiness Police look upward again, to see parachutists in the skies overhead. Invasion! Airborne invasion! is their first thought, but as the figures steadily fall toward Sanrio City, they see that these are also penguins; they deftly land in the streets (they don't tumble, as a human would, because they are much lighter), and waddle about anxiously, aimlessly, quacking with befuddlement, before they, too, explode.

[A blue-robed otaku momentarily breaks his decorum in the shock: "Just what the fuck is going on?!" he demands, to no one in particular.]

[Video footage of the airstrikes; a woman speaks off-camera:]

Good evening, everyone. This is Daryn Kagan at CNN NS World Headquarters; some stunning video we have for you of reported explosions in the capital of The Eternal Kawaii, just as the Defense Department announces that the Federal Republic has unleashed a horde of C4 Penguins on that city. As some viewers may be aware, the Federal Republic has accused the Holy Otaku Church of developing a secret nuclear program, calling it an "imminent threat to the security of the Federal Republic and the world." And this just in: the Executive Office announces that the president is to address the nation in just a few seconds. ... And we go now to the Executive Office of the President in Paradise City for a live address. ...

[President Fernanda (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Manuelo_Fernanda), the Destructor from Del Fuego, Mexico, appears on the screen, seated behind his desk and wearing a smart blue suit.]

Good evening, fellow citizens. I regret I cannot address you this night, so close to Christmas for many of you, under happier circumstances. An hour ago, acting on my orders, the Air Force of the Federal Republic delivered our nation's response to the Eternal Kawaii's stunning refusal to disarm itself of its dangerous nuclear program, which poses the gravest threat to our nation, and the international community. Their targets are dozens of suspected nuclear sites in Sanrio City recently identified by our intelligence services. I want to assure all of you, the decision I made to use force against the Kawaiian nation was not made lightly, but with much agony and prayer. I regret the loss of any life, but I will do what I need to do to protect my people. I wish you peace this holiday season. May God bless you, and may God bless the Federal Republic. ...

[Cut to Daryn Kagan at the CNN news desk:]

OK, as you just saw, that was President Fernanda, announcing his decision to approve airstrikes on the Eternal Kawaii and its capital, Sanrio City, just days before Christmas. A very brief address he gave ...Absolutely no penguins were harmed in the making of this post.

The Eternal Kawaii

24-12-2005, 00:43

The Sanrio City Idol Singers' Convention had just wrapped matters up when the first penguins began to fall. Ashley Simpson, finding herself dueling all night with nearly 100 teenage girls in pink hair and pom-pom miniskirts, began screeching louder and louder, attempting to drown out the J-pop tunes overpowering Tezuka Square. Finally, at the crack of dawn she apparently exploded with fury. At least that's what it looked like at first, until the assembled crowd of idol-singer fans realized that exploding penguins were falling around the stage. Panic promptly ensued, with people fleeing for their lives in every direction. It was good thing the "battle of the bands" was being held in an open-air venue, or it could've been a massacre. As it was, only those unlucky enough to be in the direct path of a penguin were hurt, enabling the bulk of the crowd to disperse.

--------

The General was livid--millions of unicos in state-of-the-art AAA defense, and apparently none of it was stopping the high-altitude penguin bombers. "We can't get a fix on them, sir," his adjutant explained for the seventh time. "The planes are flying above the targetting radar net, and the penguins themselves don't reflect when they fall into range--they're naturally stealthy."

"Has the civil defense alert been completed?" the General sighed, hoping for some good news for a change.

The adjudant nodded, and said, "The announcements have been going out since the attack started, sir. Thankfully the penguins aren't packing much explosive--as long as our people stay in their basements, they should be safe."

"Until their homes fall on top of them," the General replied grimly. "We need answers, fast--where are these bombers coming from? How do we stop them?"

--------

The HOCEK Nuncio to the NSUN watched in horror at the CNN NS broadcast. "WHAT IN THE CUTE ONE'S NAME DO THESE IDIOTS THINK THEY'RE DOING?!?!" he screamed at the TV set. Without a word, he stormed out of his office and marched across the hallway of the 9th floor of the NSUN headquarters. (Whether by coincidence or an act of Gnomish humor, the HOCEK and OMGTKK UN offices were on the same floor, literally facing one another. It raised a few chuckles when the office plan was announced, but the humor seemed to have taken a dark turn.) He was about to pound on the door, yelling, "RILEY!!! GET YOUR HIND END OUT HERE!!!!" when his deputy grabbed him and dragged him back towards the HOCEK office spaces.

"Calm down, son!" the greybearded old otaku said to his younger boss. "This is not the HOCEK way, and you know it!"

"But... but..." the Nuncio replied, barely able to think coherently, let alone speak.

"Don't you see? They've tipped their hand," the deputy Nuncio explained calmly. "There's no way the NSUN fluffies here will allow this aggression to stand. Come on, your grace, pull yourself together--we have a job to do upstairs."

"You... you're right," sighed the Nuncio. "Come on, there's not a moment to lose."

---------

[Video footage of the airstrikes (obviously recycled), a woman speaks off-camera:]

"Good evening, everyone. This is Daryn Kagan at CNN NS World Headquarters. In an astonishing turn of events, the Holy Otaku Church of the Eternal Kawaii has announced its surrender to the Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny. We now bring you a statement from the HOCEK Conclave of Friendship..."

[The camera shifts to a interior shot, presumably from the HOCEK CoF HQ. A purple-robed otaku sits at his desk, reading from a prepared statement.]

"In the Name of the Eternal Kawaii, may the Cute One be praised. Ladies and gentleman, at dawn this morning Sanrio local time, foreign military forces unleashed a surprise and unprovoked air raid upon Our nation, obviously attempting to take advantage of the chaos brought upon Us by the Sanrio kittens. As We speak, exploding penguins continue to fall on Our capital and outlying cities.

"We have been informed by Our NSUN Nuncio that the perpetrators of this dastardly act are the forces of the Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny. The declared reasons for this attack, according to the heathen foreigners themselves, are to allegedly prevent Our nation from developing nuclear weapons.

"We assure Our citizens and the rest of the world that the HOCEK is not developing, and has no intentions at this time to develop, nuclear weapons. Also, We have not threatened the Federal Republic in any fashion. Although the aggrieved party here, in the interest of peace We are offering Our surrender in this conflict. We respectfully request Our NSUN Nuncio be allowed to negotiate terms that will satisfy the Federal Republic's unfounded fears without resort to bloodshed."

[The camera shifts to the NSUN Headquarters Assembly hall, where the HOCEK Nuncio is standing at the platform, also reading from a prepared statement.]

"In the Name of the Eternal Kawaii, may the Cute One be praised. Esteemed delegates and representatives, as you have heard, We are here to offer terms of peace with the Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny.

"Our nation is willing to host an impartial delegation of international observers as well as representatives of the Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny. They will be permitted unrestricted access to any HOCEK facility designated by the Federal Republic as suspect of nuclear weapons development. In exchange, We ask for the military action by the Federal Republic against Our nation to cease immediately."

The HOCEK Nuncio stepped away from the podium, smiling grimly at his deputy. "Think they'll buy it?" he asked.

"Without question, your grace," the deputy responded. "This will keep them tied up for years."

New Dornalia

24-12-2005, 01:41

Michele Gincarelli, meanwhile, in response to the Nuncio's Declaration, and his inactivity regarding his transmission:

"Brothers in Anime-

Your lack of a response to the previous letter sent by us is surprising. Now, you are facing certain doom at the hands of an aggressor. We would be glad to provide members for an inspection team, to show the world you can be trusted. We are not of the NSUN, but we can be trusted.

RALM Strike Committee

PS- We must join forces sometime; for as brothers in anime, we must stick together."

The Eternal Kawaii

24-12-2005, 21:43

Gruenberg

24-12-2005, 22:39

"Tonight I can confirm that Holy Otaku Church of The Eternal Kawaii has formally approached The Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny with a view to starting peace talks that would end the conflict currently being referred to as 'The Kitten Revolution', but also known as 'The War of the Whore', in honour of Kennyite Stripper Commando Sergeant Kristen Johnson, whose death was the instigation for the heavy penguin bombardment Sanrio City suffered last night." The reporter lowered the microphone, and sucked in the cold night air.

"In the time it took her to say that sentence, three small children probably died of AIDS."

"Good."

"Quite. Anyway." Moltan Bausch turned off the remote, and swivelled to face the wall. Ideally, there should have stood there a long, clear window, with a view sweeping across a sprawling, bustling city. It was in fact just a wall - they were on the third level basement - but he struck a thoughtful pose anyway, eyes intently flickering between the narrow strips of bandages that still mummified his head.

"Two insane nations, bereft of compassion, led by lunatics, with no regard for human rights law...such a shame to see valuable, right-thinking allies spar like this."

"True, true. And to think we nearly went to war over it."

"Aye, the Ball Of String bombs were in the development stage. Ten thousand saucers of warm milk being poured out at the border."

"All of question of which we hated more: dolphins, or divorce. And I hate them both, Nuck, I hate them so much." Bausch clenched and unclenched his fists. "Sooo much..."

"I know, Moltan, I know. But...you know what the doctors said. It's not good for you to get so angry."

"Yes. Anyway...what's the State Department saying now?"

"We're going to offer to mediate. In fact, they want you to deliver the letter to Riley." Deputy Ambassador Chorris waved a neatly folded paper.

"Get a gnome to send it up."

"No, they actually need you to take it up. The Kennyites...don't take kindly to the gnomes."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, they throw darts at them, set fire to them: I heard they even tried to smoke one."

"Hmm." Bausch took the letter, and ran its edge along his finger until a bright bubble of blood pricked forth. "Alright. Would you accompany me?"

"Do you need me?"

"No, but if I pretend I'm talking to someone, I might be able to get a quick look down the ambassdor from Thessadoria's shirt."

"Ah."

The two men strolled to the stairs. It was twelve stories, but Bausch refused to use the lift - it 'smelt funny' according to some of his staff members, and he knew all too well why. As they climbed, passing busily scurrying gnomes and drunkenly careering ambassadors, past the ping-pong practice rooms, Bausch scanned the letter.

Presented to Ambassador Jack Riley,
For the attention of the state government of the Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny:

The Sultanate of Gruenberg wishes to express its sincerest thanks to the Federal Republic for its efforts in combating the grave threat to international security posed by the 'rouge nation' of HOCEK. However, we understand that the otakus have now approached your government with an offer of reconciliation, and we humbly suggest you accept this request, such that peaceful collaboration towards subjugation of the infidels can be quickly achieved.

We would like to offer a State Department delegation to act as independent mediators for the purposes of the peace talks. We appreciate we have thus far refrained from involvement in this conflict, but feel that we would be ideally suited to the task. Your two nations are often misunderstood by the international community at large, but we feel our historic cooperation within the UN, against the Axis of Fluffy, puts us in a position to undertsand and respect the complex cultural arrangements peace talks could entail.

We would also remind you of your various obligations under UN law, and will be happy to help your Department of Creative Solutions in finding ways to avoid these. In the unfortunate event that you are forced to actually comply, we would offer independent verification of this. Should the offer be accepted, the team will arrive in Sanrio City shortly, and will act as independent arbitration for the arrangement of reparations, disarmament and troop withdrawal.

We wish you luck in your continuing crusade to erradicate the scourge of 'rouge nations'.

Yours in Wena's faith,
Grand Vizier Mikkolic Weltin
On behalf of his Grand High Holy Goat-Lovin' Sultan, Gardab Woltzten IX

Bausch rolled his eyes at the spelling errors.

"What did they send to HOCEK?"

"The same, with the names changed."

New Dornalia

25-12-2005, 00:22

OOC: Catching up. :)

IC:

The HOCEK NSUN Nuncio and his deputy walked back to their offices, trying to avoid the Kennyite delegation along the way. The Nuncio mused, "Well, now it's in the hands of the fluffies."

"Never underestimate them, your grace," his deputy nodded.

Once safely in HOCEK diplomatic territory, the two were greeted by a junior otaku, who bowed politely and said, "Wonderful speech, your grace." Handing the Nuncio a letter, he said, "This just came in--apparently word of the heathens' attack has been spreading world-wide."

The Nuncio looked over the missive. "Hmm...New Dornlia. Never heard of them...what's this, an offer of military support?"

"I believe they're from the Eternal Dimensions region, your grace," the junior otaku supplied helpfully. "Unfortunately they're not in the UN."

"I think I know these folks," the deputy chimed in. "The RALM has a number of nations with ties to our Anime region. It's a loose connection, but apparently we have their sympathy."

"Good, good," the Nuncio commented, nodding. "Perhaps this will give the Kennyites something to chew on." Turning to the junior otaku, he added, "Deliver this missive to His Excellency Mr. Gincarelli:

OOC: Just being slightly anal, but New Dornalia is my FT nation (I use this account for my posts due to sheer laziness and occasional tech hiccups). The MT nation you wanna refer to right now is the Real ALM. Don't worry, the nation itself has its own stats, whatnot.

IC:

Michele Gincarelli, recieving the reply of the HOCEK Nunciate, replied in due haste:

"Dear HOCEK Brothers-

We will send a force from one of our allied states to retrieve you from the grasp of the infidel. Expect the aid of the Reunited States, who will negotiate for the Nunciate's release. Barring that, they will use military force, and so will we.

RALM Strike Committee"

--------------

By Mr. Gincarelli's word, Jake Featherston IV, the President of the Reunited States (an RALM subsidiary) was informed of the request. Jake quickly sighed and said, "Oy....send this message."

He then wrote a message, which was sent to the The Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny:

"FRO Government-

We are requesting your humble permission to take the HOCEK Nunciate into our custody, seeing as we are neutral observers in this conflict. Failure to release the HOCEK Nunciate will be construed as an attack on a friendly nation, and we will react accordingly.

Jake Featherston IV
President
Reunited States of America."

Omigodtheykilledkenny

25-12-2005, 06:38

"Ten-hut!"

The doors to the Situation Room burst open and President Fernanda entered, his chief of staff, secretary of state and UN ambassador in tow. The defense secretary, national security adviser and Joint Chiefs personnel immediately stood to greet their Commander in Chief.

"Afternoon, gentleman," Fernanda said as he took his seat at the end of the table in the windowless basement, the walls lined with digital maps, monitors and digital clocks announcing the time in various parts of the NS world. "Did you all get a chance to hear the otaku quacking on the news?"

"Yes, sir," replied Sec. Valentine. "I think it's safe to say, we are all in agreement that we should ignore their premature calls for peace, and proceed with the planned invasion."

"Hold off, Charlie," interrupted State Sec. Alex Tehrani. "Our allies are urging us to accept the Nuncio's offer. You've all been supplied copies of the Gruenberger grand vizier's letter to Jack."

"Wait a second?! You think we should all do what the dolphin-eaters tell us?!" protested Valentine.

"No, Charlie, I don't, but I do think we have a real opportunity to confirm the otaku's claim about their nuclear program, if we agree to inspections."

"And how do we know they won't just Saddam Hussein our asses, and deceive the inspectors?"

"We don't, but having a look at the sites ourselves is a better option than dropping bombs and simply hoping they destroy their intended targets. We have an opportunity to halt the bloodshed, and I think we should respond."

"So lemme get this straight," the Destructor asked: "We get ourselves into a war with a nation renowned for some of the most gorgeous and sexually repressed women on the planet, commit some of our most endowed and talented commando performers to their soil, dispatch one of worst singers on Earth to their capital for a live concert, and kill untold numbers of penguins by loading them with C4 and dropping them on Sanrio City from thousands of feet up, and now we're just gonna end it all, without having seen one steamy sex scene in this thread, preferably involving me and some hot Kawaiian chick?!"

"Mr. President, war is an ugly business ..."

"Well let me tell you something," Fernanda fumed at whomever it was that had just said that: "I'm gonna get some fucking tail before this war is over!"

Tehrani moved to next item on the agenda: "Mr. President, an unusual development in this conflict to report: The Real ALM is threatening military action unless we release the HOCEK Nunciate into their custody."

"Why the fuck do they want us to do that?" Fernanda demanded. "Are we holding the Nuncio against his will or something?"

"Certainly not, Mr. President, but he has been afraid to leave his embassy/health spa compound, what with it being surrounded by angry protesters and overrun by overzealous hare krishnas."

Fernanda turned his attention back to the Real ALM: "Not one of them scum-sucking Orwellians is setting foot on our soil; if the Nuncio has some overwhelming need to be rescued by RALM, let him go to port to meet them himself."

"But what do we do about the protesters?" asked Dr. Greene, the national security adviser.

"Just gay spray their asses!" Fernanda said.

"Thank God Sheknu withdrew their chemical-weapons ban at the UN," Riley chortled. No one knew what the fuck he was talking about.

As they spoke, the deputy national security adviser entered the room and whispered in Dr. Greene's ear. "Mr. President, I hate to interrupt," she interrupted, "but they've found Sgt. Johnson."

"I thought she was dead!"

"She's on Fox News right now."

All eyes turned to a wide-screen monitor on the wall behind Dr. Greene as she took out a remote and tuned it to Fox.

"Hello, I'm Kiran Chetry with a Fox News Alert: Some very good news in the War on Terror this Christmas Eve, as the Defense Department announces that Penguin Commandos have rescued Sgt. Kristen Johnson, the embassy guard who, it turns out, was not killed by the Kawaiian death squads after all, but rather turned over to the Sanrio kittens. We now take you to a live news conference with the rescued commando, aboard the K.M.S. Mrs. Garrison:"

Johnson, displaying ample cleavage, as always, and flanked by masked penguins with laser guns mounted to their heads, sobbed as she recounted her ordeal: "These kittens; they're monsters! They took me into their home, and pampered me ... and waited on me ..." -- tears were streaming down her face as she told of the horror: "and they even had the gall to serve me tea and crumpets!! ... And cake!!" she balled. "Cake!!"

"Those bastards," grumbled Valentine.

Fernanda was watching the commando on the screen intently, but he wasn't looking at her face. Or listening to anything she said.

"So this girl is alive then?" he asked. "That changes everything."

"Everything? No! They're still lunatics with nukes!! We can't let up on our resolve!" Valentine was beside himself.

"And we won't," Fernanda said firmly. "We'll have peace, but on our terms. Riley, get your ass to the UN floor; the HOCEK Nuncio deserves to hear our response. And while we're at it, send Antigone (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Antigone_Morgan) to Gruenberg to schmooze the sultan."

A sly smile crossed his face. "And have Sgt. Johnson brought to my office immediately. She deserves a hero's welcome, if you know what I mean."

Omigodtheykilledkenny

25-12-2005, 06:53

[All eyes are on Jack Riley as he strides into the General Assembly chamber to deliver the Federal Republic's response to the HOCEK Nuncio. Calmly he makes his way to the Kennyite delegation's desk and sits down, grasping the microphone to address to the world community at large:]

Honorable representatives of these here fine United Nations:

We are shocked and chagrined at the sheer outrage and hysteria that has greeted our nation's noble efforts to contain the threat of nuclear annihilation! Indeed, inside one day, we have been labeled 'aggressors,' 'idiots,' 'heathens,' 'insane,' 'lunatics,' 'bereft of compassion,' and any other kind of names and/or insults you can think up!

Let me ask you all something: If a nation suddenly attacks another without provocation or any good reason to do so, does that make them 'aggressors'? And if that nation tries to tie the hands of its enemies by harassing its Nuncio with hare krishnas and wild-eyed, gun-toting, protesting hicks, does that make them 'idiots'? If that nation defiles another's most sacred beliefs by staging a strip show in one of their holy temples, does that make them 'heathens'? And if that nation rains terror on another with projectile penguins loaded with C4 explosives, does that make them 'insane'? If that nation plunges another into chaos by executing a 'musical' assault by an abhorent pop 'singer,' does that make them 'lunatics'? And finally, if that nation sneak-attacks another whilst in the midst of unrest caused by rampaging kittens, does that make them 'bereft of compassion'? No, no, no, no, no and certainly not!!

Our mission is simple and our goal is clear: To disarm a dangerous regime that has publicly mulled developing a nuclear program (to which we have solid evidence confirming such development in their nation), and spying on us by dispatching as 'envoy' to our nation a bird scientist who seems to have developed an irregular interest in our military-grade penguin colonies since his arrival. We must confront rogue nations using force if necessary before they have a chance to threaten, hold hostage and assault the free world with weapons of mass destruction. The Eternal Kawaii is a clear threat to our security, and the security of the wider world, and these documents prove it!!

[He brandishes sheets of paper that appear, at least from a distance, to be official-looking, and might even have stuff written on them. The Assembly gasps.]

We cannot allow the threat of nuclear annihilation hold this body hostage!

[He drives his point home to the worthless UN fluffies with a spot-on Mrs. Lovejoy impression:]

Think of the children! Ohhh, won't somebody please think of the children?!

[The ambassadors began to murmur in agreement, as Riley continues:]

If The Eternal Kawaii thinks we will back down in the face of terror ... you're right. We'll back down. Sorta. We will agree to a ceasefire, but only if certain conditions are met.

As such, the Federal Republic makes the following demands on the otaku: Submit immediately to international weapons inspections to be directed and supervised by representatives from the Federal Republic;
Allow inspectors unfettered access to all suspected nuclear sites;
Allow inspectors to supervise the destruction of all materials related to nuclear proliferation;
Allow inspectors total access to all official government documents relating to any unauthorized nuclear-proliferation programs, and any and all nuclear-proliferation program-related activities;
Allow Federal Republic peacekeepers into your nation to escort inspections teams, assist the otaku in rounding up any straggling kitty cats, and to restore order to your war-ravaged capital city; and
Immediately instruct your allies from the Real ALM to stand down and to cease and desist from their threats of military action against our nation.In addition, these are the terms of the Destructor from Del Fuego, Mexico: Provide 18 geisha, not 16, not 17, not 19, not 21, but eighteen virgin geisha, to attend on the Destructor's person as the negotiations and inspections processes progress.The Federal Republic reserves the right to resume hostilities if any of these terms are violated.

We intend to dispatch our secretary of state Alex Tehrani and Sen. John Thorne, an insufferable, pansy-ass, anti-war political gasbag (and also a former president of the Federal Republic), to negotiate these terms with the otaku in Sanrio City. In addition, we hereby accept the Metamorphacized Goat-Android Forces (or whatever their pretitle is of late) of Gruenberg to act as impartial mediators in these talks.

We are confident a peaceful solution can be reached, that Sanrio City will rise again from this present darkness, that the scourge of terrorism will be wiped off the face of the Earth, and that rogue nations seeking to develop harmful weapons with which to terrify the civilized world will be contained. This moment in history will take us further down that path, to victory against fear.

Thank you all for your time. May the blessings of our otters be on you.

[The Assembly chamber is suddenly filled with the sound of tremendous applause, which is silenced the moment Deputy Ambassador George Brown presses the "stop" button on the boombox he is cradling.]

New Dornalia

25-12-2005, 21:37

Gincarelli simply relayed, in reply:

"Again, we repeat. Allow the Nunciate to withdraw, as we do not feel they are safe in your hands. We really don't want to mess things up, but if we have to, well, there is that.

We have the resources to make it worth your while to let them go, or otherwise allow them to leave. Whether they help or hurt you, is your decision.

RALM Strike Committee"

Palentine UN Office

26-12-2005, 22:13

Red Tide2

26-12-2005, 23:40

OOC: I know this is a silly thread... but someone needs to be serious, you can make the response as hilarious as you want.

IC: Official Message From Red Tidean Goverment
"We are OUTRAGED by the attempt of the Illegal Regime of OMGTKK in an attempt to blatantly VIOLATE the sovoreign rights of The Eternal Kawaii to develop a nuclear program! If they wish to develop Weapons of Mass Destruction they MAY! We are giving the Regime of OMGTKK ONE, and ONLY ONE chance to come to the negotiation table with APPROPRIATE terms, non of this 'Federal Inspector' Bull, or we will begin the systematic destruction of your Military Infrastracture and sattelite networks."

The Eternal Kawaii

28-12-2005, 00:00

[The location: A sub-basement conference room of (what was left) of the Conclave of Wisdom HQ, in a particularly rubbled part of Sanrio City. Senior ministers from various conclaves were seated around the table, a shadowy black-clad figure at its head. The figure speaks.]

"What can you tell Us of the Kennyite response?"

"Well, the penguins have stopped falling for now, Your Holiness," the SM from the Conclave of Peace replied. "But We're still physically cut off from the outside world. Air links are severed, and our sole shipping lane is blockaded by some of the foulest-mouthed dolphins imaginable. It'll be pretty grim if it continues on into spring."

"Your Holiness, We've received the Kennyite embassy's counter-offer," the SM from the Conclave of Friendship. "As expected, they took the bait. However, their demands are outrageous." The SM slid copies of the Kennyite talking points across the table.

"The inspections We can deal with," the SM/CoP commented. "We've ordered the destruction of all laboratories associated with nuclear weapoons research, and are returning the fissile material to our nuclear power stations for re-injection into the fuel cycle. The research notes, key pieces of experimental equipment and lab records have all been safely hidden. If anyone asks, well, obviously the Sanrio kittens destroyed the lot in their rampage."

There was nodding of heads and smiles all around at this. The shadowy figure replied, "Speaking of the kittens, what news there?"

"They seem to have gotten over whatever possessed them, your holiness," the SM from the Conclave of Beauty. "The last ones departed Sanrio City and the outlying towns last night. We're still sorting through what was destroyed, trying to fathom the object of their attack."

The shadowy figure nodded, and said, "So Our pressing problem is the Kennyites. These outrageous demands you were speaking of?"

The SM/CoF blushed and said, "Er, that last one, Your Holiness."

If the shadowy figure expressed any emotion while reading the Kennyite screed, he didn't betray it. "This is not unanticipated, if what Our Nuncio to OMGTKK reported of Kennyite attitudes was correct."

"We're still trying to arrange a safe conduct guarantee from the Kennyites for Our delegation, Your Holiness," the SM/CoF said vigorously, having in his mind better news to report on this front. "Several nations have stepped forward and denounced the Kennyite aggression. They'll be facing war on their own shores if they don't settle--that's one ace We have in the hole."

"It is always best to have two, however." The shadowy figure gestured at the SM/CoB and added, "How is Project Blockbuster proceeding?"

The SM/CoB beamed and said, "Ahead of schedule, Your Holiness. It's a good thing the animation studios were untouched. We're delivering the final product digitally tomorrow; it should be in theaters worldwide in a day or two."

"Excellent."

"Indeed, Your Holiness," added the SM/CoF. "Our NSUN Nuncio should be able to stonewall the Kennyite negotiators for the time needed for it to take effect..."

-------

The winter holiday season, in addition to bringing out the shopping instinct in the average person, also brings out the movie-going instinct. Thus it was excellent timing when the latest animated feature from an obscure production company in the Holy Otaku Church of the Eternal Kawaii hit the big screens:

"SUPER KITTEN SOLDIER KIKI"
"A True Story of Love and Friendship in Time of War"

It was charming tale, set in the midst of war-ravaged Sanrio City, and enhanced with the best computerized production values money could buy. The stars--Kiki, a young and pretty apprentice shrine maiden, and her best friend a talking Sanrio Kitten--dodged innumerable hazards as they, armed with the Kawaiian virtues of modesty and politeness, attempted to rescue the brainwashed kindle of other Sanrio kittens from the fiendish mental control of an army of brutish talking penguins (that had this odd habit of exploding from time to time). The penguins, complete with Kennyite accents and a bevy of ludicrously and scandalously dressed henchwomen, were using the kittens to destroy the once-beautiful and peaceful Kawaiian countryside. Many thrilling adventures were had by the plucky and resourceful pair until the final showdown with the Evil Penguin Overlord, who strangely enough quite closely resembled President Fernanda.

It was a smash hit among the 10-and-under crowd. Pretty soon parents everywhere were bombarded by small children cheering for plucky young Kawaiians and their kitten pals, and booing and hissing at anything remotely hinting of the Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny.

New Dornalia

28-12-2005, 00:03

OCC. Sorry Kawaii, but you can by now guess what I had to watch yesterday.

IC:

Sen Horatio Sulla stood up from the Palentine Delegation and said.
"My collegue's terms are just and fair. THe Palentine UN office, and Emperor Captian Spaulding I, fully supports them. Furthermore I would ask the New Doralia delegate to reconsider. An attack on Ohmigodtheykilledkenny would result in a response from the Allied Antarctic Asskickers, a defense alliance headed up by one of the most eccentric militaries know to modern man. Does the phrases Kamikazi Pengiuns, and swearing Dolphins send shivers up your spines?

OOC: Again, New Dornalia is my FT nation, I am right now using the guise of the Real ALM, since this is modern tech. Just sayin, sorry for any confusion.

IC:

"We do not wish to attack the regime of Ohmigodtheykilledkenny, but if they do not surrender the Nunciate, then we will have to. We are willing to use all peaceful avenues to achieve our goals, but to aid our brothers, we are prepared to take stronger actions.

As such, we are inclined to join the Red Tideans in solidarity, against the OMGTKK Government, if they do not cooperate.

RALM Strike Committee"

Red Tide2

28-12-2005, 04:12

Top Secret Message To Kawaii Goverment From Red Tide Goverment
"In case of further aggression from the Kennyites, we can airlift a Red Tidean Army Corps into the area. We want to warn you that the soldiers might seem... quite a bit different then what your people would expect.............................................................. OKAY! OKAY! We know your culture revolves around happiness and cuteness... but dont expect our soldiers to be ANYTHING like that. They are tough, fanatical, take their orders WAY seriously, and even when they smile you cannot tell because of their gas masks! Just a fair warning incase you accept."
End Message

Omigodtheykilledkenny

28-12-2005, 05:48

Again, we repeat. Allow the Nunciate to withdraw, as we do not feel they are safe in your hands. We really don't want to mess things up, but if we have to, well, there is that.

We have the resources to make it worth your while to let them go, or otherwise allow them to leave. Whether they help or hurt you, is your decision.

RALM Strike CommitteeTehrani angrily burst from the Situation Room, and rapidly negotiated the halls toward his office, clutching the message from RALM in his fist. He had Empty State Department Suit #2 in his tow, Empty State Department Suit #1 having been dispatched as ambassador to Venerable libertarians.

"Who the hell are these people?!" asked Tehrani. "We've already told them the Nuncio can go as he pleases. Why are they persisting in their threats?"

"I don't know, sir."

"They expect us to deal with them?! We don't even recognize them diplomatically!"

"No, sir."

"Well, I'm going to nip this thing right in the bud. I'm going straight to the source!"

"Yes, sir."

They reached his office and Tehrani snatched up the receiver of his office phone. "Yeah, operator. Connect me with the HOCEK OMGTKK Embassy and Kawaiian Health Spa, please. ...

"Yeah ... Hello?!" Tehrani could barely hear anything on the other end over all chanting hare krishnas.

"I need to speak to the Nuncio, please ... Alex Tehrani at State.

"Nuncio! We keep getting odd messages from some strange government asking us to transfer you to their custody! I really don't know what this is all about, but you can go any time you want!! You wanna leave?! Leave!! We ain't stoppin' you! You want to be escorted by Happiness Police? You want an escort from our forces? Fine!! Just go!! We'll even shoot you out of a cannon if we have to! We're not holding you here if you don't want! ... You're probably wondering how you're gonna get past the protesters? Well, we're taking care of that as we speak!"

Just then, the Nuncio looked out the window at all the angry anti-Kawaiian Kennyites, holding profane anti-Kawaii placards, pounding on the glass and angrily shouting at him. Suddenly, a Kennyite cop's voice could be heard over a bullhorn: "Anti-Kawaiian protesters! Disperse immediately, or we will have no choice but to gay-spray your asses!"

The protesters continued to chant angrily and pound the glass. Suddenly, three small canisters landed in their midst, emitting a strange pink gas as "Let's Get It On" boomed from police loudspeakers. The protesters suspended their unruly behavior and began to gaze at each with wild longing and, two by two, slowly retreated from the Kawaiian embassy to find some place quiet ...

There was the longest pause on Tehrani's end. "Hello? ... Hello?!" he demanded.

Omigodtheykilledkenny

28-12-2005, 05:49

[OOC: I'm just fucking around. There's really no point to war, now that HOCEK has surrendered and we are actively negotiating peace.]

Official Message From Red Tidean Goverment
"We are OUTRAGED by the attempt of the Illegal Regime of OMGTKK in an attempt to blatantly VIOLATE the sovoreign rights of The Eternal Kawaii to develop a nuclear program! If they wish to develop Weapons of Mass Destruction they MAY! We are giving the Regime of OMGTKK ONE, and ONLY ONE chance to come to the negotiation table with APPROPRIATE terms, non of this 'Federal Inspector' Bull, or we will begin the systematic destruction of your Military Infrastracture and sattelite networks."The president's breathing grew heavier and more pronounced as he perused the communique from these Red Tidean folks. He finally dropped the document onto his desk and looked up.

"Who the fuck are these people?" he demanded of his secretary of state.

"A brutal dictatorship. We can't tell if their capitalists or communists, really, but all intelligence indicates that they're a nasty totalitarian regime, sir. Constantly in a state of war."

"And now they're bored, and they want to take it out on us?!" Fernanda's face was growing redder.

"We don't know what they want; their sudden entrance into this situation is quite irregular, Mr. President."

"They called us an 'illegal regime'!!" the Destructor fumed. "We're democratically elected; they're not!"

"Well, sir ..."

"Oh shut up about the voting irregularities already, Alex! There's nothing the other side could do about it. We won."

"Yes, sir."

"So, these morons weren't even involved in the conflict; they weren't even observers, much less participants; we don't even know if they were in communication with either country during the conflict; and they arrive late to the game, after the enemy has surrendered. Who the fuck are these assholes to dictate what terms we should pose?!"

"I really don't know, Mr. President."

"Well, I'll tell you what I do know. This Supreme Commander bitch ain't gettin' off easy with me. Fuck war. We'll get it all out, in the ring." Angrily the president reached down, pulled his boxing gloves from his bottom drawer, and started to put them on.

"Umm, Mr. President ..."

"Tell that Supreme Commander he don't need to waste his tungsten, whatever on us; if he ain't a pussy, he can bring that bitch-ass attitude to the ring!" He jumped from his chair, assuming the stance, hopping around the desk and pummeling the thin air before him.

"Mr. President, you can't keep challenging foreigners to fight you! It really fucks things up on our end. You nearly sparked an international incident when you beat the Cobdenian foreign minister's face in."

"Well, he shouldn't have been talking that way about my mom!" protested Fernanda.

"Dude, you were fucking his girlfriend!!"

Fernanda sighed. "Why do you always have to bring that up?"

Sec. Tehrani said nothing.

"Well, if you won't write the message, I will. Make yourself busy."

"Yes, Mr. President."

After a few minutes, Fernanda held up the product of his scribblings and smiled, satisfied that he had used firm enough language:

To the Red-Tidean Supreme Commander:

Who the fuck are you?! You think you can call us "illegal" and make such outlandish threats against me?? I'll kick your bitchy little ass! Don't hide behind your tungsten rod or whatever bullshit; bring that little bitch-ass attitude to the ring, and we'll settle this right now!! You name the time and the place, and I'll beat your little punk-ass face in!!

~Manuelo Fernanda
The Destructor from Del Fuego, Mexico"Mr. President, I think you ought to see this." Debbie had entered the office without knocking. She was holding a video cassette, smiling delightedly.

"What is it?"

"A trailer from the latest Kawaiian blockbuster," she said. "An animated feature."

"What's that got to do with me?" He demanded.

"Oh, you'll see, Mr. President." She shoved the cassette into a VCR below the wall-mounted flat-screen and pushed play. Scenes in Japanese-esque animation showed the brave young Kiki and her Hello Kitty sidekick battling the dastardly Penguin Overlord, who looked (and sounded) exactly like Fernanda.

The rage returned to the president's cheeks. "Urge to kill ... rising ..." he intoned.

Red Tide2

28-12-2005, 06:42

"The hell is this?" Supreme Commander Gregori McKenna asked.

"Its their response sir." The Foreign Minister said.

"These people must be INSANE if they think I am going to go alone into their nation, and box with their national leader..." McKenna said, "It would ruin my facial! How am I supposed to brainwash the people with my face all ruined!"

"Uh... sir?" The Defence Minister asked.

"Oh right, start the rodding* and kamikaze attacks."

"Yes sir..."

Official Reply
"We'll take that as a no then..."
End Message

Mid-Earth Orbit, all over the 'world'

Any Kennyite sattelite suddenly found themselves under attack from multiple directions. Those over or close to Red Tide found themselves subject to waves from MDM-5A Anti-Sattelite Missiles. They flew out of their launchers, reaching up, up, up. Those within 65 miles of the equator were shot at by Anti-Sattelite/Missile Laser Sattelites. All the rest had FS-1 'Falling Star' Suicide Sattelites flown into them.

As these attacks in space occured, transmissions went out to Tungsten Rod Sattelites(designated TR-3). These altered their orbit and would pass over Antartica and OMGYKK soon. The first one passed over its first target, an important Kennyite Intellegince Facility. It ejected a single "Rod of God'. A Rod of God was, in actuality, a 12 foot rod made of tungsten. It was ejected out of the sattelite towards Earth at Mach 9. Given the size and material, it would come down to not only intact, but with the kinetic energy of a tactical nuke. However, not all of the energy would be released immediatly. The Tungsten Rod, due to its rod shape, could penetrate several hundred feet of dirt, or a hundred feet of concrete. So it would initially come down with the force of a very large bomb(such as an FAE or MOAB) and would constantly release that energy as it travelled through the ground, however, unlike a MOAB or FAE, it would leave a gigantic crater where it impacted.

The Tungsten Rod Sattelite floated on, on the next pass it would expend another Tungsten Rod on a important communication building in OMGTKK. Each TR-3 carried three(count em) rods, after expending all its 'ammo' it would require a resupply. However, this TR-3 was not the only one in operation. There were about 12 of them in orbit. Six of which were designated to bombard OMGTKK. They targetted naval bases, important communication and intellegince buildings, military headquarter buildings, and, for one rod, the main Kennyite Airbase.

Then the Falling Stars came into play, the Falling Star Suicide Sattelite(designation FS-1) was, like the Tungsten Rod, a Kinetic Energy Weapon. However, unlike a Tungsten Rod, they did not penetrate and released all of the energy immediatly on impact. To survive the fall threw the atmosphere, the sattelite was shielded against air friction and heat. About eight of these were dropped through the atmosphere on army bases.

OOC:*Typing that made me feel dirty now.

The Palentine

28-12-2005, 17:50

General of the Armies Cump Grant stood in the Command post of The Evil Conservative Empire of the Palentine. He was smoking a cigar, giving orders.
" Alright ya Marys! Its Code Magenta and lime green with yellow polka dots. I want the dolphin sabateurs interdicting shipping, and the kamakazi pengiuns on route to Red Tide 2 and keep them coming. I want that country swimming in exploded pengiun guts by tommorrow!", he paused and asked the scientist from the Palentine's infamous Mad Scientist Corps" Are the secret death rays ready and operational?"
"Yessir! we have been tracing the bogeys for about an houir now. THey're starting to attack. We also recieved word from the Domain of Kei that their Cyber-Hackers are ready for Counter-operations. The Enemy defense computers should be coming under attack soon."
"Good. Fire at will, Boys!", ordered General Cump Grant.

Across the Palentine orders were carried out. The armed forces went on alert and action in defense of thier ally. Squadrons were scrambled and began CAP. Palentine Naval Dolphin sabateurs set magnetic charges on enemy shipping. In the deserted wastelands of THe Palentine secret installations sprang into life. Death Ray Cannons began tracking,targeting and firing at enemy satelites.

A few hours later, at a remote border outpost of Red Tide2, a soldier noticed a large horde of pengiuns wearing smily face bandanas. a group of 6 peeled off and charged the outpost. As he called in a warning to HQ, they exploded heavily damaging the outpost and covering it in stinking pengiun offal.

Omigodtheykilledkenny

28-12-2005, 18:17

[OOC: Red Tide, am I to assume that you magically know where all of this stuff is? You first encountered my nation but a day ago (and in case you haven't noticed this RP has operated on de facto real time, even slower in some instances), and somehow you've acquired all the necessary intelligence that tells you exactly where all my prime targets are, with time to spare to deploy, align and/or position all necessary forces accordingly? Also, this is not my thread, and I don't want to hijack it.].

The Eternal Kawaii

29-12-2005, 01:37

The Holy Otaku Church of the Eternal Kawaii is famous (or notorious, depending on your point of view) for its draconian laws regarding public displays of affection. It's not unheard of for a Kawaiian couple to spend their entire married life together and never once be observed holding hands in public. Coupled with the fact that HOCEK laws on sexual relations don't even recognize the existence of homosexuality, it is perhaps forgivable that the Nuncio to OMGTKK utterly failed to grasp the significance of the mysterious pink riot-control gas the Kennyite police were using on the bands of raving Hari Krishas and other religious protestors gathered outside the gates of the HOCEK Embassy and Health Spa. To his mind, the protestors merely seemed to calm down and disperse. Though they do seem unusually mellow and happy about it, he thought with a shrug. No matter--apparently the siege had been lifted as Secretary Tehrani had promised. He and his delation wasted little time in closing up the spa and heading for Paradise City's harbor district and a ferry to a waiting RALM transport.

------------

The HOCEK Nuncio to the United Nations smiled as Ambassador Riley entered the UN building's conference room agreed to by both sides for the peace negotiations. It was a polite smile (as always), but with a twinkle in the otaku's eye that made him look unmistakeably like the proverbial cat who ate the canary. He rose and bowed politely, saying "Welcome, Your Excellency." Inviting him over to the table, he offered a chair, saying "May as well get right down to business--the gnomes have the mini-bar well stocked, I'm told."

That comment raised an eyebrow from the HOCEK Deputy Nuncio standing nearby, but he smiled and nodded, adding for formality's sake, "We'll be having tea, of course. It's a good blend if you're interested."

Riley sat glumly at the table, his expression unreadable. "I've been waiting for you guys' counter-offer for days," he finally said grimly. "Hopefully it'll be in writing, not on celluloid."

The Nuncio nodded, and began laying out his points, referring to a sheet of paper in front of him:

"We are willing to host weapons inspectors as you state in your first point. However, they must be supervised by NSUN officials, not Kennyites, and Kennyites cannot be the majority on any such inspection team. We expect them to be impartial, after all.

"All such inspection teams are expected to behave in harmony with HOCEK customs, so as not to give offense to Our nation's people. This includes dress, public speech, and any contact with Kawaiian citizens.

"We will allow the inspectors unrestricted access to any sites designated by the Federal Republic. However, should there be a shrine on site, a delegation of otaku must be present to insure that no desecration occurs.

"Similary, We will make available any scientist or researcher the Federal Republic designates for interviews, provided they are accompanied by a Happiness Policewoman for their protection.

"We will make available such research materials on-hand at Our universities that the Federal Republic deems relevant. We regret to say that there may be little available. Due to the recent chaos, a good portion of Our universities have been destroyed.

"We regretfully cannot agree to your request for OMGTKK peacekeepers to accompany the inspection teams. The Sanrio kitten situation appears to be well under control now and the peacekeepers would be unecessary. Frankly, We were rather puzzled by this request. If what We've heard over the news reports is correct, isn't Omigodtheykilledkenny under military siege at the moment? It seems an odd time to be sending valuable military forces halfway around the world. You'll be glad to hear, I imagine, that We have notified the RALM to depart Kennyite waters as soon as our Nuncio and his staff there are safely aboard their fleet."

"Oh, and regarding that final point requested by Presedent Fernanda: I've heard that due to its outstanding success, they're considering making 'Super Kitten Soldier Kiki II'. It should be out in a few months..."

New Dornalia

29-12-2005, 02:39

Omigodtheykilledkenny

29-12-2005, 16:07

[OOC:

If what We've heard over the news reports is correct, isn't Omigodtheykilledkenny under military siege at the moment?[Actually, no, it isn't. Given RT2's egregious Godmoding on this thread, and the advice I've gotten from other players, I'm simply going to I.G.N.O.R.E. Will post reply later. :D]

Red Tide2

29-12-2005, 17:00

OOC:GODMODDING! Its not that hard to pick out targets via multi-sensor spy sattelites! Heck, there are sattelites that can detect BUNKERS! And, as I CLEARLY= stated in my attack post, theere is a amount of time inbetween each pass by a single Tungsten Rod Sattelite, that is, 6 hours. That is why I assigned multiple sattelites. I am beginning to think you are ignoring me because you dont want to take damage. And besides, your nation has probably already been mapped out... ever heard of Google Earth? There are probably a load of similar programs in the NS world.

If anyones godmodding, its that guy who attacked me with penguins! Its not the fact that he is using penguins! Its the fact that he stated MY damages!

Omigodtheykilledkenny

29-12-2005, 17:58

[OOC: The guy who attacked you with penguins was being silly. That's, uhhh, the entire nature of this thread.

were six hours between rods, you can't just post it all at once, continually lodging objects at me, and not giving me time to respond -- not when there were six hours between each launch. It would be the equivalent of me just saying, "We launch nuclear missiles at the Eternal Kawaii, and twelve hours later, we launch more, and twelve hours later, even more. We hit every single major city. Your entire nation is glass. Goodbye."

[Lastly, this is not your battle. You can't barge in at the last minute, after the conflict is over, and declare you're going to attack me unless I pose better peace terms. You really should have joined in earlier, even if as an impartial observer in the conflict, if you wanted to play like that. I'm sorry for first responding and then ignoring, but that's just the way this worked out. If your second post hadn't been so outlandish, it might not have happened. That is my decision on this matter, and I consider it closed.

[And again, this is not my thread, and I don't want to spam it with non-germane OOC posts. Please just let it go.]

The Palentine

29-12-2005, 18:58

OCC: Of course kamikazi pengiuns and cursing dolphins are silly, thats the point. This is a non-serious thread. The world needs more silliness. oh BTW Kawaii, there may be more cursing dolphin assults. I've been babysitting my niece this week. I've almost reached the breaking point on cuteness. However I will refrain, unless negotiations break down. As of now the Palentine will gear down and meerly moniter the situation. Play nice y'all.

Red Tide2

29-12-2005, 20:57

OOC:....... check you other thread momentarily.

Omigodtheykilledkenny

29-12-2005, 22:57

Riley was surprised to find himself negotiating peace with the NSUN Nuncio, especially since he thought the talks would be in Sanrio City, and attended by Tehrani and that moron senator. He shrugged it off; the planned Sanrio City talks must be purely ceremonial, he thought. Besides, this would give him the opportunity to prove himself to those malcontents who opposed and filibustered his nomination and called him "unfit for diplomacy, only appointed by that UN-hating jackass president to piss off the other delegates." He'd show them.

"I hate tea. Got any crab juice? ...

"Before we begin, Nuncio, and this is not a demand, but a kind request. If your Happiness Police should undertake to rescue and deliver to our custody the commandos stranded in your nation, we would be very grateful, and I'm confident that your agreeance to this request would greatly improve the tone of these discussions.

"As to your counter-offer, we understand your apprehension against a Kennyite-led inspection team. But if not a majority, then at least half the inspectors must be Kennyites. We are willing to accede to UN leadership. Just not from any of them insufferable dolphin-hugging countries." He cleared his throat. "And no gnomes. Our nation's policy has a strict shoot-on-sight rule regarding them.

"We are willing to advise the UN leadership of this inspection team of your concern about comporting with Kawaiian customs, and we will instruct our own inspectors accordingly.

"However, we are unsure about your insistance that otaku accompany the teams to sites with shrines. Is there any assurance you can give that the otaku will not be obstructing or interfering with the inspection process?

"In addition, we cannot allow Happiness Police to supervise interviews of scientists and researchers; they must be permitted to speak freely, candidly and without threat of reprisal if they speak against your government.

"And we must insist on peacekeepers. Conditions in your nation are still unstable and volatile, and we must insure the inspectors' security. If not from our forces, then from those of impartial third parties. But again, no dolphin-lovers. If we see even one of them pansy-ass, bonobo-fetished L&E troopers in your nation, we swear to God, we'll pop him right in the nose!

"Which brings me to our last demand. The president was very particular about these geisha; I'm afraid it is a deal-breaker for him."

Just then his cell-phone rang. He grumbled. "Excuse me," he said to the blue-robed otaku, and turned aside to answer.

"WHERE ARE MY FUCKING GEISHA?!" the angry squawking voice on the other end echoed throughout the conference room. "YOU PROMISED ME GEISHA, NOW WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY?!"

"Calm down, Mr. President," Riley said uneasily, trying to keep his voice down. "I'm still talking with them. In fact, we really need to address the Kawaiians' concerns about them."

"What's wrong with geisha? They know all sorts of ways to please a man."

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. The otaku want assurances that you won't be ... seducing them while in your service."

"Why not?"

"Mr. President, geisha are proud, highly disciplined and committed to their jobs; they can't be bothered with your repeated advances on them."

"They might change their minds once they see my ..."

"Mr. President!"

"... boxing title belts."

"Oh, right. Anyway, Mr. President, the Kawaiians want our word that ..." (he paused to find the place in the briefing document the Nuncio had given him: ) "'your hormonal heathen leader will not lay one lecherous finger on Our representatives.'"

A pause.

"Mr. President, I want your assurances that you won't be harassing these girls."

Another pause.

"Mr. President?" Riley's tone was firm.

There was a frustrated groan on the other end of the line. "All right, fine."

"Thank you, Mr. President."

Fernanda hung up.

"The Destructor agrees to keep his hands to himself," he announced to the Nuncio.

The Eternal Kawaii

31-12-2005, 21:51

The HOCEK NSUN Nuncio sipped his tea politely as Riley laid forth his counter-counter-proposal. It wasn't as bad as he feared. The Nuncio privately regretted his outburst earlier--unlike many Kennyites, it seemed, Riley was a man he could deal with. He waited for the Ambassador to finish, took another sip and laid forth his counter-counter-counter-proposal:

"Well, first off, We can certainly agree to a safe-conduct pass for your remaining military forces in Our nation, especially now that our Nuncio is on his way back home...Unfortunately, we don't exactly know where they are, except for Trooper Johnson. She seems a bit...distraught by the whole affair; we didn't want to upset her further by putting her under conventional arrest. I don't understand why, but apparently Kennyites don't seem to react well to Sanrio kittens..."

"It's a curious phenomenon," the Deputy Nuncio added. "Our Conclave of Beauty asked if we could extend her stay, just to observe it. Naturally We had to turn them down; this is hardly the time for social experimentation."

"Anyways, if they disarm and present themselves to Our government, We can pledge their safe repatriation to OMGTKK," the Nuncio said.

"There is, however, the matter of damages inflicted on Our nation by them and the penguins," he added after a taking another sip. "We are going to insist on some recompensation for this act of aggression. After all, OMGTKK's stated reasons for their attack could've been resolved without use of military force. It's only fair that they clean up after themselves."

The Nuncio passed a sheet of paper towards Riley and said, "We're working on a final estimate of damages done, including just compensation for the wounded and the families of those bereaved. This is what we currently have assessed; I expect it will be adjusted later, but you need to know what your President has gotten his nation into."

The sheet of paper was lined with notes and numbers, very large. The HOCEK was asking for reparations in the billions.

The Nuncio waited for Riley to look over the page, but before he could object, said calmly, "Now, as to the peace terms:

"Regarding inspectors. We can accept a 50/50 Kennyite/NSUN inspection team, provided it is headed by neutral NSUN staff. Actually, We agree with your concern about the 'dolphin-huggers and gnomes', as you put it. We suggest a leadership team composed of nationals from third-party States jointly agreed to by TEK and OMGTKK; would that be acceptable?

"Regarding shrines. We must insist on otaku being present at any shrine to guard its sanctity. Unbelievers are simply not allowed within spaces sacred to the Eternal Kawaii (may the Cute One be praised.) Surely the Federal Republic would not wish to be viewed as a violator of religious sensibilities? Our nation offers Its pledge that these places are not being used for nerfarious purposes.

"If that is insufficient, we may consent to remote inspection. Provided it's non-destructive, the inspectors are welcome to bring any scanning/viewing/detection equipment needed to view the sacred space from outside.

"Regarding interviews. The Happiness Police themselves have requested their presence at any such interviews. Please, you have to understand that the Conclave of Friendship is not in a position to deny them this request; they are conducting their constitutionally-mandated job of government oversight. Quite frankly, it is out my hands here.

"I can talk to them; see if we can at least get them to remain silent and not participate in the interviews. But they will at least insist on them being videotaped. Otherwise, what guarantee do We have that your government won't put words in Our scientists' mouths?

"Regarding peacekeepers. This simply won't do; as We've pointed out before, the security situation is returning to normal. If the inspectors request third-nation bodyguards for their personal protection, We can consider it, but they must be unarmed and an equal detachment of Our Shirt Ninja must accompany them.

"Finally," the Nuncio said with a sigh, "there is the matter of President Fernanda's...personal...request. We can accept his pledge of good conduct; however, the Happiness Police may have a different opinion on this, and I cannot guarantee their acceptance.

"Fortunately, I think we can work out a reasonable compromise here. Seeing as We no longer have a Nuncio to OMGTKK, we are in need of someone to represent Our nation's interests there. It's somewhat unorthodox, but the Happiness Police have informed me that they would be willing to have one of their members affiliated with the Conclave of Beauty. From there she could be assigned as a Cultural Affairs Attache to OMGTKK. Not quite a Nuncio, but the next best thing."

The Nuncio passed another sheet of paper to Riley, with the proposed HOCEK CAA's photo (http://www.konow.dk/Film/Pict_detail.asp?ID=63&photo=26). "I think President Fernanda will find her a suitably...engaging...diplomatic partner."

Omigodtheykilledkenny

02-01-2006, 02:26

Riley shuffled his papers as he prepared to offer his counter-counter-counter-counter-proposal. Or was it the counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-proposal? Conceivably it could have been the counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-proposal, or simply the counter-counter-counter proposal. He sighed. His head hurt. Slowly he took a sip of the beverage the Nuncio was kind enough to offer him and, remembering he hated crab juice, spat it out all over the table and the important documents lying on top of it. Quickly he got up to retrieve some paper towels and proceeded to wipe up the mess.

"I'm terribly sorry," he said, "but I'm not authorized to accept cultural attaches; that is strictly the province of the State Department. I will forward her name to the Cultural Affairs Office, of course; I'm certain she is acceptable.

"However, we must insist that you convince your Happiness Police to accede to the arrangement for providing the geisha. Your agreement to this term will instantly make us much more amenable to your other requests, I'm sure. We'd even allow your Happiness Police to dispatch a small, unarmed escort detail along with them. Besides, placing pure, disciplined geisha in the service of a foul-mouthed lecherous brute will allow for many amusing and humorous moments, something we suspect that your nation, committed as it is to Cuteness and Happiness, would value.

"We also regret that you are unwilling to seek out and rescue our troops trapped inside your country. If you will not do it, we will have no choice but to request that you allow us to send in a squadron of Penguin Commandos to undertake their rescue, the same sort who rescued Sgt. Johnson (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?p=10156962#post10156962) just last week. It was only too easy to sneak them in along with their exploding bretheren the night we bombarded your city; we figure the otaku and the Happiness Police were wise to avoid them."

Just then, a large penguin wandered into the conference room with some documents clutched in his beak. A look of fright crossed the blue-robe's face, but Riley was quick to sooth him: "Oh, don't worry, Your Excellency; this guy ain't the exploding kind; he's just one of my staffers; a noble from the Cunning line, in fact." He took the documents from the penguin's beak. "Thank you, Duke Cunningham; you may return to harassing the gnomes."

The bird quacked in acknowledgement and happily waddled from their midst.

"Oh, yes, and speaking of the bombardment of your city, we find reparations a rather odd request for the defeated party in these discussions. Nonetheless, we are willing to furnish limited damages, but we must insist that any such transaction be conducted in Federal Republic tree-fiddys."

He pulled out a purple and green five-TF bill adorned with a portrait of the Loch Ness Monster and handed it the otaku. Along the bottom was fine print in Pig Latin: "This note is legal tender for all debts public and private. Warning: Acceptance of this note puts the holder at risk of harassment on the part of the Loch Ness Monster, who is notorious for sneaking up on people, often in humorous disguises, and tricking them (http://lochnessmonster.ytmnd.com/) into giving him 'tree-fiddy.'" Riley smiled at the thought of the Loch Ness Monster in a tiny little sailor outfit constantly badgering otaku for tree-fiddy. He was sure the Nuncio did not read Pig Latin.

"Turning to other matters, if we have your word that the situation in your nation is normalizing, we will kindly drop our demand of peacekeepers." Riley's mind immediately turned to disguising Stripper Commandos as weapons inspectors, thus solving the whole problem.

"As for your other terms, we will await your word on the geisha.

"But we should warn you that we reserve the right to resume military action if these ceasefire talks break down, because we really can't have a ceasefire without a ceasefire agreement; and the State Department advises me that the status of your former Nuncio to our nation is not 'Recalled,' but 'Expelled for Espionage.' We doubt you would want such a black mark on your nation's reputation."

Riley sat back, his folded hands resting on his chest as he anticipated the Nuncio's counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-copuner-counter-counter-counter-counter-offer. Or was it his counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-counter-offer? Or maybe it was his counter-counter-counter ...

The Eternal Kawaii

04-01-2006, 04:01

The HOCEK NSUN Nuncio hmm'd silently as he listened to Riley's counter-counter-counter- well, whatever -offer. Getting over the sudden shock of seeing an actual Kennyite penguin, he finally spoke:

"You...do realize that the geisha your President saw were Happiness Police? I expect they'll insist on sending a detachment with our proposed Cultural Attache; perhaps I can have a talk with them regarding uniforms and such. There should be plenty of opportunity for state visits, I think your President will agree.

"And yes, obviously We will work with you to help extract your troops. I'm sure neither of us wants to see penguins running amok through Our cities, after all We've been through with the kittens."

Looking over the five tree-fiddy bill, he did some mental computations as to its worth relative to unicos (about 4 to 1, if the Economic attache did his math right.) Hmmming to himself again, he leaned over to Riley, and said quietly, "You know...we can probably come up with a more...equitable arrangement for paying reparations. Our nation's casinos accept all manner of currencies, including these" he added,waving the bill slightly. "Perhaps a mutual arrangement, converting the reparation payments into casino chips before transferring them into more...spiritually appropriate...currency for Our nation's general fund...?" He smiled conspiratorially. "I can recommend some of our more reputable institutions."

Waiting for his words to sink in, he leaned back and said, "The Conclave of Beauty assures me that the last of the kittens have left our cities. And I think we can both agree that our Nuncio to OMGTKK was withdrawn 'for health reasons'."

Sitting back up, he concluded, "So, I think we're at a point where a formal ceasefire can be declared, don't you?"

Palentine UN Office

06-01-2006, 00:57

A detachment of Palentine Navy dolphins were frolicking in the Kawaiian Sea. Word had gotten out and no citizens had ventured onto the beaches or into the water for about a week. Suddenly a Dolphin displaying the insignia of a Petty Officer 2nd class swam up.
"Chief we have new orders! Hostilities have ended. We have been ordered home.", he told the CPO.
"Well <censored><gross act> me silly!", CPO Nolly exclaimed. then he said to the other dolphins,
"Alright you <censored> Mary's! Lets haul ass!"

The Palentine Dolphins formed up and swam off, all the while practicing their unique vocabulary.

OCC: Alright Kawaii, your citizens can safely swim in the ocean again.

Omigodtheykilledkenny

06-01-2006, 16:27

Sitting back up, the Nuncio concluded, "So, I think we're at a point where a formal ceasefire can be declared, don't you?""Nearly so," replied Riley, "except that the president was very insistent that the geisha attend on him, that they be virgins, and that there be 18 of them. You must allow that number of your attache's security detail to attend on the Destructor from time to time; you already have his word that he's going to behave himself. C'mon, you're the defeated party here; you have to give our leader something.

"Barring that, however, I do believe we have an understanding."

He sat back, satisfied that a new day of peace between the uncultured hicks and the theocratic nutjobs was dawning, and that the Loch Ness Monster would soon be frequenting Kawaiian casinos.

The Eternal Kawaii

06-01-2006, 22:15

The HOCEK Nuncio held his head and rubbed his temples. So close, and yet so far, he sighed to himself. Shaking his head, he said simply, "You're trying to get me fired, Riley, is that it? Do you have ANY idea what the Happiness Police authority would do to me if I presented that as part of the official cease-fire agreement?"

Leaning closer to the Kennyite ambassador, he added, "Now look--you and I, we're both men of the world. Personally, I don't blame President Fernanda for wanting his idea of 'fun', but there's no way I can authorize such a gross violation of Our nation's cultural mores. If he wants to be attended on by geisha, he's going to have to do it Kawaiian fashion.

"Our nation still owns that health spa outside of Paradise City. We had considered closing it down permanently after this recent unpleasantness, but perhaps that can be reconsidered. If we're allowed to re-open and re-staff it, President Fernanda will be perfectly welcome to use it as a 'retreat' any time he pleases. There'll be more than enough geisha to keep him busy there."

And enough surveillance to make sure he behaves, the Nuncio added to himself. Who knows, maybe this could be turn up useful after all?

Omigodtheykilledkenny

07-01-2006, 04:28

"Very well, then," replied Riley. "Given the president's fondness for your geisha, we fully expect him to open a second residence/office in the Kawaiian Health Spa. We trust as a world leader he'll be given the proper VIP treatment?"

Just then, the FAX machine in the conference started to whir. Riley got up to retrieve the incoming transmission. "Oh, it's for you," he said to the Nuncio, handing him the document. "From the State Department."

Department of State
The Federal Republic of OmigodtheykilledkennyAttn: The Hon. HOCEK Nuncio the United Nations,

We hereby accept your government's offer to dispatch a Cultural Affairs Attache to our nation to represent your interests, with the advisement that we intend to keep our current ambassador in the Eternal Kawaii. We relish the opportunity to advance the newfound understanding of peace and harmony between our two nations as expressed in our soon-to-be-formalized ceasefire agreement, and look forward to discussing a more permanent arrangement in Sanrio City for formal peace talks, which the Gruenbergers have offered to mediate as an impartial third party. I myself will be attending the talks along with Sen. John Thorne, our former president. Given his status, a small Secret Service detail will be accompanying the senator; we hope your internal security forces will be able to work with and accomodate them in order to assure the former president's safety. Also be advised that Thorne's detail are under strict orders not to harass or intimidate Kawaiian citizens or Sanrio kittens, and to observe and be respectful of local Kawaiian laws and customs. As to any UN gnomes they may encounter in your nation, however, the usual Kennyite policy stands. But we're confident you won't have any problem with that. :D

The Destructor from Del Fuego, Mexico sends his warmest regards.May the Cute One be praised,
Alex Tehrani
Secretary of StateRiley smiled. "I believe we have finally reached an accord," he said.

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