NationStates Jolt Archive

TO: Alex Tehrani, Secretary of State, Omigodtheykilledkenny

Dear Sir,

In light of recent diplomatic appointments. We, in Zarquon Froods, feel that the security of our offices within your own embassy may be comprimised. We therefore request an appropriate amount of land to constuct our headquarters within your borders. Having enough room to build a forty two story building complete with helicopter and launch pads as well as the thirty foot concrete wall we plan to construct around the perimeter. We have also seen fit to tighten security on our offices. Please note that we will be sending thirty of our finest Self-Destructive Ninjas (http://images.buycostumes.com/mgen/merchandiser/31507.jpg) along with 200 Emperial Guardsmen (http://www.iranian.com/Nostalgia/2002/September/Images/guards.jpg). We look forward as always to establishing our embassy within your nation.

Sincerely,
Hon. Clyde Flimthrop
Secretary of Foreign Affairs
The Empire of Zarquon Froods

OOC: Some patience, love -- we still haven't figured out how to designate the Pinguinum visitors from the locals; for as you know, one species of penguin is rather benign, the other quite dangerous. For RP purposes, you may assume that the embassy request has been rubber-stamped; a return envoy will be named shortly.

As you say this is an RP thread.

Dear Alex Tehrani, Secretary of State, Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny

George here. Seems like something I shoulda done a long time ago, but I thought I'd send over an ambassador. She helped Trey set up the Confederacy a while ago, before he killed it. According to Trey, she's too hot to kill, but she's bugging me for a job. If she's satisfactory, send someone over. If not, send someone over anyhow. She's pretty well trained in combat. Ok, she's extremly well trained in combat, but Manuelo might like her. I've attached her picture.

Sincerly, George Malcolm Willing.

http://www.imagehosting.com/out.php/i1448098_lucylawless.jpg
Lucille Wild

FAO: His Majesty Emperor Trey Dreizehn of Douria, and the Hon. Amb. George Willing
Subject: Embassy exchange

We are honored to approve your request for an embassy, and reciprocate with one of our own. We humbly submit the name of Vince "Steel Rim" Cablosi as our ambassador-designate to Douria. Amb. Susa Batko-Yovino (of whom you should be aware) seems to think he'd be great to have out of the country. We didn't bother asking what Mr. Cablosi does for a living (it's really not our job to check our ambassadors' credentials -- I mean, once they leave, it's not like they're our problem or anything!), but he's really into boxing. He once beat Amb. Batko-Yovino halfway to hell for winning an unlicensed match! For winning! Can you imagine what would have happened if he lost? Some of these fans get a bit overzealous sometimes, don't they? Anyway, we think Mr. Cablosi might be in agriculture or something, because he sure seems to know a lot about pigs. According to him, if you starve one long enough, it "will go through bone like butter." In fact, 16 pigs can devour a 200-pound body in eight minutes. "This means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression 'as greedy as a pig'!" Wow! You learn something new every day! We hope our two great nations can learn many more wonderful things about each other in what is sure to be a long and fruitful diplomatic relationship. God bless you.

http://www.thelin.net/laurent/cinema/films/tt0208092/107098.jpg
"Steel Rim"

Sincerely,
Alex Tehrani
Secretary of State

Official Communication
International Affairs Office

To: Alex Tehran
From: Donatella Mosse Secretary of International Affairs (and totally not responsible for this)

Please accept Garick Hidelburnen as our ambassador to your country. Mr Hidelburnen was recently and quite inexplicably pardoned by our president for an unfortunate incident involving himself, two rolls of toilet paper, a small car and a badger... with a gun. The president feels as though he was wrongfully accused of simply trying to express himself.

May our countries prosper with this new relationship.

The president frowned at the Philimbesi government's missive. "You know, Alex, we'll take any kind of nutjob you can imagine, but I'm not sure I want this freak infesting our diplomatic district."

"You can always give them the Cluichstani embassy, sir," replied Tehrani. "It was naturally isolated from everyone, for obvious reasons."

"Whatever," said the Destructor, signing something.

"You'll still have to receive Mr. Hidelburnen to accept his credentials."

"Can we possibly do it by video uplink? I ain't shaking that guy's hand!"

Department of State
The Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny

Attn: His Excellency President Josiah Barttlet of Philimbesi and the Hon. Donatella Mosse
Subject: Embassy exchange

The Destructor from Del Fuego, Mexico is pleased accept both your embassy and your designated ambassador. Mr. Hidelburnen is free to present his credentials at 10 Frowning Street at his convenience. As for quarters, you will be assigned the former Cluichstani embassy at the Fortress of St. Margaret. Did you know a dude died (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=10890631&postcount=147) there? Pretty freaky, although it does make it a hard sell. It's way the hell out in the Antarctic wilds, on the outskirts of the city -- so any germ that escapes instantly perishes in the bitter cold. (Which is nothing against you, of course! We're sure your envoy is a fine, upstanding fellow!) Enter at your own risk. It may be advisable to sanitize and sanctify the facilities beforehand; you don't wanna catch whatever they got.Sincerely,
Alex Tehrani
Secretary of State

State Department Building
Coricas, F.D.C.
12:45 PM

It was another sunny day in the Cookesladic capital, y'know as they say "It's Always Sunny in Coricas" Secretary of State Steven Andolor was behind his desk as usual reading through the daily mail that had been addressed to him.

"Treaty...Treaty...Treaty...Treaty...Jury Duty...Treaty...Treaty...another Declaration of War from Bellicosia...Bill...Treaty."

He quickly opened his desk drawer to place them in, when the drawer came off it's roller and became stuck. He tried to jiggle it but it wouldn't loosen no matter how hard he tried to pry it.

He quickly called for his Secretary, Miso.

"Miso, please have the guys in Matinence come and have this fixed. Tell them that It was by accident this time."

He pointed to his now stuck drawer and saw a letter he had not noticed before

"It's from the Kennyite Department of State, I wonder what they want?

He quickly read through the letter, and then looked at the date that it had been send to them.

"This is almost four months old! "

He would respond immediately but first had to find an ambassador. He brought up the list of available ambassadors...there were none.

"Aren't there any retired Ambassadors we could call up? What about David Swansea?"

Miso got a her clipboard

"It says here he’s with the Blue Star over in Camas.”

“Susanna Krol?”

“She passed away 6 years ago, Sir.”

“What about Violet Summers? She can’t be doing anything after we recalled her from British Londinium before it got glassed.”


“She apparently had a bad experience over there and subsequently left the State Department saying she was looking for an easier job driving truckloads of Nitroglycerin through narrow raods over the Terminus Mountains.”

“Oh.”

He sat and thought for a minute and then did precisely what he had done several years earlier when they needed to find a new UN Ambassador, he stuck his head out the window and yelled at the first person he saw walking down the street.

It was midday, most people should have been out on there lunch breaks but there was no one walking down the block, when Secretary Andolor spied a lone figure on the corner. It was a man in a yellow duck suit holding a sign advertising for the Beef-pat-a a couple blocks down the street saying “Eet moor Beef!”

“Hey you in the Duck Suit, wanna be an Ambassador!?”

The figure replied simply “Suit?”

“Come on up and I’ll give you an interview!”

The figure dropped the sign and hurried to the entrance and exactly one hour later walked out of the building as the newest of the Cookeslandic Ambassadors.

“Well I’ll be damned.” said Secretary Andolor as he waved the figure goodbye.

http://i174.photobucket.com/albums/w107/Cookesland/Flags/th250px-USSeal.png
Official Diplomatic Communiqué

To: Secretary of State Alex Tehrani
From: Secretary of State Steve Andolor

We apologize for the belatedness of our reply but we are pleased to announce the appointment of the new Cookeslandic Ambassador, Mr. Cassius Shoveler (http://www.anniescostumes.com/NEWmus22049.jpg). Mr. Shoveler is trained in the martial arts and is fluent in Spanish. Feel free to ask him to present some of his other credentials. Have a nice day!


Best Wishes,
Steven J. Andolor
Steven J. Andolor
Secretary of State
The United States of Cookesland

International Center
Natascora, FCD, TFAS

He was in a new office, in a new building, in a new city. But Secretary of State Nelron Khiskithy found himself in a familiar position: looking at two skeptical diplomats, trying to explain why their new assignment really wasn't as bad as they thought it would be.

"Omigodtheykilledkenny really isn't a bad place," he said defensively. "Just ask Anandral, she was ambassador there before taking over in Antarctic Altanar..."

"...and she said it nearly drove her insane," Matt Hooper said flatly.

"She said that taking over as governor of a former colony that was recently a war zone, and where half the populace hated her before she even showed up, was preferable to her previous job, actually," Merina d'Val said equally flatly.

Khiskithy sighed. "Yeah, well, someone has to go there and represent the Federation. And it sure as hell isn't going to be me. So pack your snow shoes."

http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r56/smurfie_bucket/omgtkkamb.jpg
Hooper "briefs" d'Val on how Kennyites will treat her...especially if she meets President Fernanda.

---

http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r56/smurfie_bucket/stateltrhead.gif

To the honorable President Manuelo Fernanda, and the esteemed Secretary of State Sammy Faisano:

We are pleased to inform you of our appointments as ambassador and deputy ambassador to your nation.

Matt Hooper, a junior diplomat with our department, has been approved as ambassador. Mr. Hooper was most recently an attache serving our regional oversight committee representative.

Merina d'Val will serve as deputy ambassador. She was most recently an intern with our college program, and this is her first assignment abroad.

Our representatives look forward to meeting you, and to continuing the longstanding friendly relations between our two great democracies.

Sincerely,
Nelron Khiskithy
Federation Secretary of State

---

Upon arriving in Paradise City, Hooper and d'Val were met by a small security detail from the embassy. The former ambassador had briefed them on all details, except one.

"We're sharing a building? With another embassy?" d'Val said incredulously. The FSIS agent nodded grimly.

"Oh, this just gets better and better," she muttered to Hooper.

"Be nice. We're supposed to be diplomats," he said chidingly.

ooc:

diploatic ranking means what ranking in importance does your government gives its embassy in Biotopia; low, medium or high. You didn't reply to my TG so i'm going to wait on making an fficial reply in case you want to change your original request.

FROM: High Council of Diplomacy; All-Order of Allech-Atreus

Honored Ministers;

We honestly don't know what happened. First our government collapsed, then we experienced several thousand years of complete civil collapse, and now we learn that our previous ambassador, who was appointed thousands of years in the past and yet still managed to continue living life in Paradise City without realized her country had been destroyed, was killed in a freak sex accident.

On a related note, we'd like to pay for the court fees of the streetsweeper operator.

In any case, we find ourselves without the able representation of the Countess Kelyangat, though we certainly appreciated her long period of incompetent and debauchery-ridden service. To that end, this Council is appointing a new ambassador to the Federal Republic:

http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a188/kuroutesshin/ambassador2.jpg

Ms. Abigail Frederlund, retired schoolteacher and former member of the Symposium of the Canon Law, will serve as ambassador from the All-Order of Allech-Atreus to the Federal Republic. She has had a long and distinguished career within the government and the Faith, with a strong reputation as a brutal disciplinarian and cruel taskmistress who makes blackberry cupcakes that are absolutely to die for.

We're quite certain that Ms. Frederlund will be able to take care of herself in the Federal Republic, and certainly with less conspicous scandal than the late Countess. Please inform the Paradise City football team members they can send flowers and any borrowed underwear by care of the embassy.

Yours, etc. etc. etc.;
Wibble Baerhoof
Chairman, High Council of Diplomacy

Department of State
The Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny

Attention: Whoever's in charge over there in A-A
Subject: WTF?!?

We're so glad to hear from you guys again! We were starting to worry. Your new WA legation scares the hell out of us, by the way.

You needn't worry yourselves over the aftermath of the good Countess's tabloid-worthy travails, either. Eventually we just declared the neighborhood around the Allech-Atrean embassy a red-light district, to avoid any legal complications. Though it didn't escape the notice of your irate neighbors, many of whom sued to change the city's zoning laws.

But that's all passed now. What's done is done, as they say, and who's perjured is perjured, and what's condemned is condemned -- namely your embassy. (We had to appease the locals somehow.) Luckily the Brazen Broads Retirement Community has agreed to host your consular offices instead, at a small fee. Ms. Frederlund will retain full pool and shuffleboard-court privileges; she could even run for condo-board president if life as a diplomat in Omigodtheykilledkenny becomes a bit dull.

As for our own embassy in Allech-Atreus, we've long since lost contact with our envoy, and have assumed the worst. (Which reminds us, if you should happen to find his remains, just chuck them in the tarpits or something; he was of very little use to us anyway.) In his place we intend to assign some random government official we had lying around the place (http://www.nswiki.net/index.php?title=Alex_Tehrani). We think he used to be secretary of agriculture or ... something. And there are rumors he may become vice president soon! Naturally we figured it a good idea to stash him somewhere out of the way till then ... Antigone Morgan is suspicious enough as it is. And she's starting to ask the most annoying questions, like, "Why haven't you renewed my parking privileges?" and "Why are those men measuring my office?" and "Why do you keep stealing my fishnet stockings?!" Grrrrrrr!!!

Anywho, the ambassador says he'll be taking his "friend" Chuck (http://206.47.170.43/music_v1_1/images/pete-wentz-pogal-400.jpg) along. Officially he's listed as an "intern," but beyond that we don't know anything about him. Don't ask, don't tell; that's our motto.Sincerely,
Sammy Faisano
Secretary of State

We would like to send our diplomat A-hole Mcdodo, to your country. He is completely inept, and beleives 2+2=window. Unfortunately, he is the presidents son, and so none of our terrorists can kill him. Please get back to us on this.

The Great Leaders great janitor

To: Sammy Faisano, Secretary of State, Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny,


Greetings!

The High Council of Clans has decided that now we are a member of the World Assembly we should begin opening diplomatic relations with some of the many nations that are located outside of our native region, and your country was one of those suggested in this respect. Would you be willing to exchange ambassadors and embassies with us? If so, then our ambassador to you will be Gunnar Haraldsson o Thuleann, formerly Chief Delegate of Clan Thuleann -- one of our twelve MajorClans -- in the High Council. He grew up in the North Cape Clan's territories, so that he's used to cold climates, and says that Paradise City sounds like an interesting place to visit.
Details of our own Embassy Programme are enclosed with this letter. (OOC: see my sig...)


Best wishes, and many fishes,
from

Beorra o Berrum,

Chairbear, Committee for The Strangers,
Confederated Clans of Free Bears of Bears Armed.

Wonderful! We had no idea the bear clans included the polar variety! And we are delighted that you have elected to enter our embassy-exchange program. We figure the well-furnished igloo adjacent the Indomitable Fortress of Avila the Hun (itself a giant igloo) will suit your embassy's needs fine. It even has a Frigidaire (http://www.famouspoetsandpoems.com/poets/shel_silverstein/poems/14820)! (although, I don't know why we bother with cold appliances out here, the climate does their job for them). Let us know if you should require anything else.

We will, of course, request an embassy of our own in your fine nation in due time.

~Sammy Faisano

http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r56/kelchek/fgnaffairs-newhead.gif

To the august authorities of Omigodtheykilledkenny,

Greetings. Despite our long history of launching spit and various other bodily fluids at each others' delegations in the United Nations... oh, very well, World Assembly, we do not currently have official diplomatic relations. This fact was brought to my attention when the Minister of Foreign Affairs, the honourable Nicholas Sheridan, following a morning of heavy drinking, asked why we don't have an embassy with OMGTKK, became incensed when I was unable to provide an explanation, and fed my tie through a paper shredder while it was still attached to my neck. Please do not reveal this information publicly as I intend to use the videotape of the incident to blackmail him at an opportune time.

Mr. Sheridan felt that this was totally wrong and that I must be a stupid idiot with a face that is ugly as a butt. He thus directed me to write to your government to rectify this situation forthwith, failing which he would ram a stapler so far up my asshole I would be able to bind documents with my mouth.

I thus humbly request that we officially recognise that we each exist. This is important because frankly being spit upon and hit by various items of clothing and office stationery launched by people who do not exist would totally rupture the space-time continuum and possibly spawn micro black holes which would engulf the Earth, which I am sure you'll agree would, all things considered, generally be a bad thing.

I would also request an exchange of ambassadors, since it's only fair that if you subject one of your élite to living in our self-righteous smarty-pants commie treehugging la-la-land, we should subject one of ours to living in your ignorant masturbating-to-guns capitalist whorehouse. I even put that accent thing on the e; for Zarquon's sake who am I trying to impress?

I invite you to consult our online guide at http://kelssek.tripod.com/mfa-mae/neorvinsguide.html for information to help you select a site for your embassy in Kelssek. You may also wish to peruse the NSWiki page at http://www.nswiki.net/index.php?title=Neorvins Let us know where you want to be and we will help find the exact address. A street map of our capital's downtown core can be found here: http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r56/kelchek/neorvins/neorvins-streetmap-v2.png You may be overwhelmed at this profusion of information, but we like big maps and we cannot lie.

I eagerly await your response, mainly because of Mr. Sheridan's aforementioned threats of stapler sodomy.

Sincerely,

George Montohoff
Director of Foreign Missions

We are considering perhaps trade mission...
Can we have non-voting observer status?

"Thirteen ... fourteen ... fifteen ..."

"Mr. President?"

"Dammit, Sammy!" <crash!>

Fernanda sat up on the bench for his weight machine, grabbing a towel. "Dude, I was in the middle of a set! Can't you bother me during office hours?"

"Um, your listed 'office hours' are 1:00 p.m. to 1:01 p.m., but that doesn't change the fact that you have important business to attend to throughout the day."

"Such as?"

"Diplomatic relations."

"With whom?" the president wondered. He was mopping his brow.

"Kelssek."

"Oh, hell no! No-no-no-no! My approval rating's tanking as it is; I don't need those feckin' commies dragging me down even further!"

"Your approval rating wouldn't keep sinking if you didn't keep calling the poll respondents back and threatening to beat their faces in!" Sammy pointed out.

"Dude, whatever," Fernanda replied. "Anyway, didn't we vow never to establish relations with them after they repealed that patent thingamajig?"

"Some nations did, we weren't one of them."

"And besides, do you know just how unpopular these Kelssek fuckers are here? Here, lemme show you." The president leapt from the bench and strode to a nearby window, pulling it open and crying out to the protesters below: "Hey, everyone! Guess what? KELSSEK!!!" He and Sammy had to dodge for the flying garbage and the loud jeers that greeted the president's interjection.

"Of course they're going to boo Kelssek," said Sammy as Fernanda shut the window again. "That's the Committee to Protest Everything camped outside right now."

"I don't give a fuck! We're not establishing relations with Kelssek! Just tell our WA ambassador to keep lobbing spitballs at their delegation as usual, and if they propose another free-trade repeal, consider escalating to noogies and swirlies."

"A veto-proof majority in Congress disagrees with you, Mr. President."

"Aw, shit," spat the president. "When will these people learn? The war on communism means never surrender! We can't engage in direct diplomacy with dangerous anticapitalists without preconditions! ... What does their state network (http://kelssek.tripod.com/kbc/index.html) report about us anyway? How we're all a bunch of lunatic corporate-whoring scum who kick puppies and drink babies' blood?"

"They barely mention us at all, Mr. President. Not even the booze-for-votes scandal."

"Well, I think they'll have an excuse to mention us once we blow up their embassy! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"Erm, if the WA has its way (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=567203) this week, you won't be able to do that, either."

"Man, fuck the WA!"

Department of State
The Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny

Attention: His Excellency President Dominique Drapeau of Kelssek, and the Hon. George Montohoff
Subject: Diplomatic recognition

The Federal Republic would be delighted to initiate a formal diplomatic relationship with the great nation of Kelssek, whose people and national character aren't nearly as dreadful and despicable as our president described you in his last State of the Union address! A Kelssekian embassy would be a welcome addition to Paradise City's Diplomatic Row; we'll do our best to accommodate you once the details are provided. Our ambassador to Kelssek will be the Honorable Justin Grey, the former governor of Téjas, the son of former President Frank Grey, and the Conservatives' candidate for vice president in the last election. Unfortunately Gov. Grey lost his bid for re-election last year when he had his 20-year marriage annulled so he could marry a spoiled 19-year-old petroleum heiress. (Mid-life crises can strike at any moment!) We apologize in advance for the new Mrs. Grey, a bratty, selfish, conceited little brat who thinks she's a little princess (so naturally, she is demanding to be housed in the highest room in the tallest tower in the city -- perchance is there office space available in Pacific Tower?).

We look forward to a renewed relationship with the Kelssekian nation. As a sign of our goodwill, we have ordered a (temporary) ceasefire on all spitballs and any other petty projectiles being launched from our WA delegation for at least 12 hours.Sincerely,
Sammy Faisano
Secretary of State

http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r56/kelchek/fgnaffairs-newhead.gif

To: Secretary Sammy Faisano

Dear sir,

I was most delighted when George informed me of your positive response, especially coming on the day I joked about my job title practically requiring me to have banged that Miss Coocoostan contestant and the judge lectured me about taking legal proceedings seriously and awarded custody of the children to my ex-wife.

As for your embassy in Kelssek, while we always do our best to accomodate requests, the top floor of the Pacific Tower is a public observation deck and as we were certain that your staff would find paying the $5/adult $3/child under 12 admission fee, as well as the constant snaking queues of tourists every time they wished to go to work unacceptable. In addition, the building management informed us that the only available space was a cleaner's closet next to the bathrooms, and we felt this would be thoroughly unacceptable as an embassy even for a country we aren't supposed to like very much. Thus, we have instead secured offices on the second-highest floor. We hope it satisfies your requirements.

The diplomatic community in Neorvins is a very welcoming and receptive one. We should however warn of that some of the diplomats are highly persausive and of the immense peer pressure to take part in activities such as all-night strip poker, strip charades, and strip Trivial Pursuit sessions, as well as spitting and peeing off the Tommy Douglas Bridge and jumping into the Memorial Fountain in mid-winter. We also have had reports of incidents such as one ambassador who invited another ambassador to his residence, left his visitor in his library and went to the bathroom. Upon returning, he found that his books, which had been arranged alphabetically by author, had been resorted according to the Dewey decimal system. I'm not sure how this was even possible but he made a sworn affadavit so, whatever. The government of Kelssek cannot take any responsibility for silly things your diplomatic staff may end up doing, or the consequences thereof.

I trust that Mr. and Mrs. Grey will find their time in Kelssek enjoyable and edifying. In return, we will name David Shanklin as our ambassador. Retired from a professorship at the University of Kirkenes, he is eminently qualified for the position and was also screwing my wife while we were still married. In reciprocation for your gestures of goodwill, I also have directed our World Assembly delegation to observe a similar cease-fire, which they said they would use to prepare "the mother of all paper-pellet barrages", whatever that means. I hope this will signal a new dawn in our diplomatic relations.

Yours sincerely,

Nicholas Sheridan
Minister of Foreign Affairs

http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a188/kuroutesshin/faerforeign.jpg

To: Secretary Sammy Faisano

From: First Minister of Foreign Affairs, and hopefully soon-to-be Chancellor, Ren Dirh

Sir;

I got a phone call last night from a frantic secretary in our Paradise City embassy which was quite amusing despite the time change and the fact it was right in the middle of my partner and I's "fun time." Apparently our ambassador was caught dead with a hooker in one of your many fine "comfort establishments" to use the diplomatic term for seedy, low-rent whorehouse.

I mean to clarify- it's the good ambassador who's dead, not the hooker, which I'm sure will make Manuelo quite happy. Apparently it was a heart attack or some such thing, which seems to be a common theme- our ambassador the Resurgent Dream dropped dead a few weeks back. Not with a hooker in his arms, I don't think, but you never know about those foreigners.

Considering that I'm running for the Chancellery in this election and I need all the political goodwill and handshaking I can get, I'm going to make a highly publicized appointment that's full of shameless vote-pandering and electoral dick-sucking. To that end, I'm appointing disgraced former Parliamentarian and Liberal Democrat Astár Sárdavär as the head of your embassy. He's widely hated in the country, so I'm actually doing him a bit of good by getting him out of here. Most Snefaldians view your country as something of an insane shithole (which I tell them is not true, but they never seem to believe me), so I come out on top by looking like I'm punishing the poor old man.

Anyway, please talk to the office about compensation for the hooker and hush money for the cops. And sorry about any mess.

Toodles;

Ren Dirh
Foreign Minister

From the Office of His Excellency Tamerlane Khan of Samarkand and Bhukhara, Grand Chancellor of the Empire of Urgench


His Divine Majesty the Emperor of Urgench, descendant in direct line of the mighty Tengri Khaghan and the noble Uzgurtani Kaghani, and his august mother the Dowager Empress Sorghakhtani and the Government of the Emperor of Urgench wish to recommend his Imperial Highness Prince Ariq Urbal, Prince of the Blood, Khan of the Ordos of Tumed-Chahar and Khan of Koshot to the mighty and fabled nation of Omigodtheykilledkenny and its leaders.

His Imperial Highness Prince Ariq Urbal, nephew of his Divine Majesty the Emperor, is an experienced and honoured diplomat who has served his country in this capacity for forty six years. Before being appointed as Ambassador his Imperial Highness served as Viceroy of the Autnomous Region of Dolonor-Koshot and in various capacities in our empire's ministry for foreign affairs where he proved indespensable and diligent.

His Imperial Highness achieved a B.A. at the University of the Empire at Khodzhent in Persian history and languages and spent his youth at the Imperial Cadet College in Tabriz.

His Imperial Highness is a published Author and a respected and trusted member of Urgench's Foreign Secretariat.

His Imperial Highness is a well known collector of antiquities and art treasures, and a consumate horseman and hunter.

His embassy staff will include-

Chang Wei An- the Ambassador's personal Assistant

Biran Mohazza- Cultural Attache

Harun al' Mohad- Legal Advisor

Sung Zheng - Trade Advisor.

His Divine Majesty the Emperor and his August Mother the Dowager Empress personally vouchsafe the honour of these staff.


It is the fervent desire of His Divine Majesty, His August Mother, and his Divine Majesty's Government, that should the renowned land of Omigodtheykilledkenny accept His Imperial Highness Prince Ariq Urbal as our Ambassador he will be instrumental in developing a strong and mutually beneficial relationship between the Empire of Urgench and Omigodtheykilledkenny.

Yours sincerely, Tamerlane Khan of Samarkand and Bhukhara, Grand Chancellor of the Empire and Chamberlain of the Imperial Household.

FAO: Tamerlane, Khan of Samarkand and Bhukhara
Subject: Embassy exchange

It gives us satisfying and long-lasting pleasure to approve your request of an embassy exchange. Acting on our recommendation the Federal Congress has voted to formally recognize the Empire of Urgench as a sovereign and unique nation. His Imperial Highness will be welcomed in Paradise City as ambassador extraordinary and plenipotentiary of the great Urgenchi empire.

As return envoy we have nominated one of our most distinguished and respected citizens. Born in 1963, he quickly rose from an obscure German upbringing to perform immense feats of heroism and courage that continue to awe and inspire Kennyites to this day. In his short career he has managed to champion the cause of historic preservation and fight the destruction of old buildings by greedy developers; save an elderly woman from being wrongfully put away; foil jewel thieves; win the Monte Carlo Grand Prix; save a poor Mexican boy from kidnapping; swim through the Panama Canal; save priceless Incan gold; win the Nextel Cup; and help numerous couples find romance. And today it is our distinct honor to present him to you as our ambassador to Urgench.

Here is a recent photo:

http://cache.jalopnik.com/cars/images/herbie.jpg

His name is Gorbie. Have fun with him!

Sincerely,
Sammy Faisano
Secretary of State

Due to chronic inactivity, the embassies to the following nations will be closed, and their envoys sold for sex. Our diplomatic personnel in their nations will be called home, assuming they haven't died or gone missing or joined the circus or whatever. As always, affected nations may reapply for diplomatic recognition and embassy exchange if they ever again see the light of day:

Atheisism
Comatica
Commonalitarianism
The Federated Klatchian Coast
Freudotopia
Mon Kye En
Palixia
PinguinumBest of luck to all.

Sincerely,
Sammy Faisano
Secretary of State

For the attention of his Excellency Mr. Sammy Faisano Secretary of State for Omigodtheykilledkenny, from the office of his Excellency Tamerlane, Khan of Samarkand and Bhukhara, Grand Chancellor of the Empire of Urgench ( Uzgen, october 25th )

His Divine Majesty the Emperor and his august Mother the Dowager Empress Sorghaktani cannot express their feelings adequately on the matter of the new concord between our nations.

It is with no small delight that his Divine Majesty will welcome the venerable Gorbie to the Empire as your nation's Ambassador to us. His Divine Majesty is a truly avid fan of racing of all kinds and is desirous that the venerable Gorbie should be aware of our nation's famed Blitzball Rally which runs from Karelia in the west and finishes in Korchiz in Kamchatka in the far Orient of Siberia. All manner of vehicles and persons are able to enter it and it is notorious for its crashes and "hijinks" .

As Grand Chancellor I am personally overjoyed at the new relationship our nations now enjoy. His Excellency Khan Nogai our Minister for Foreign Affairs also shares my pleasure at this outcome and is as anxious as i to further cement the goodwill between our great states.

As a token of the Empire of Urgench's goodwill toward the Government of Omigodtheykilledkenny, his Divine Majesty has authorised it to send to you 20,000 finest female Sable pelts, 20 barrels of the best vintage Shirazi wine, 1000 Scythian Mares of the finest lineage and proudest temper, 800 ropes of large black seawater Pearls, and 20 diadems of fine gold filigree set with Rubies and Chrysoberyls ( some the size of duck eggs ) which once adorned the brows of Hunnic princesses. We hope these small tokens will prove acceptable.


Yours, Tamerlane, Khan of Samarkand and Bhukhara, Grand Chancellor of the Empire and Chamberlain of the Imperial household.

( private communique from Prince Ariq Urbal, Ambassador of Urgench to OMGTKK, to Tamerlane Khan of S+B the Grand Chancellor of Urgench )

Paradise City, Oct.


We have arrived in OMGTKK and as yet we are still in temporary accommodation, the Paradise City Ramada is a bleak place Tamerlane. Thank god we saw fit to engage an entire floor and bring so many of these huge Muscovite bodyguards ( though keeping all of them in vodka has been somewhat testing ) .

Apparently many new Ambassador's find the cold here a shock, thankfully we mongols are made of sterner stuff , I may even have the time to hunt Walrus and Whales while I'm here.

President Fernanda is apparently engaged on an interminable series of visits to OMGTKK's regional neighbours and may therefore find it hard to find time to receive us. Blast! Cola ( the president's main sponsors ) sent us a large consignment of their product as a welcome gift. Needless to say the chrome on our armored cars will be being kept very shiny with it.

We seem to have arrived during a season of festivities. The festival of Thor was six days ago, the traditional riots were much reported in the press and were judged to be of surpassing magnitude. A celebration called "Halloween" is taking place tomorrow, this seems to involve accosting people at their front doors and extorting "treats" from them with threats of "tricks" which our local staff inform us would likely involve having ones house cleaned out by marauding thugs while one watches in helpless dismay bound and gagged at gun point. Needless to say we will be turning off the lights and locking our doors and pretending we're not in for the duration.

The Kennyites are tremendously republican, so we're torn as to whether to request a state visit of H.I.M. the Dowager Empress. The furs, and such we sent President Fernanda and co. do not as yet seem to have warmed their hearts for Urgench, perhaps this is an indication that more must be gifted them. To this end please have Nogai send large numbers of bales of Shantung silk, 1000 pounds of musk, more wine and some Rhodium jewelry.


How is Uzgen? Are you ready to return to Urgench yet? Has H.D.M. my Uncle begged your return yet? ha ha ha.

Will you have Nogai send me some tincture of opium in the diplomatic bag please, i'm not sure i trust the quality of the local stuff. And maybe my cook should be sent as well, barbaric gustatory customs are of course highly prevalent here and we can only eat so much Kosher Chinese food.


Yours, H.I.H. A. U.

From: Ministry of Foreign Affairs (Foreign Relations Department)
To: The Government of Omigodtheykilledkenny

Niraamaya requests an embassy.

Our Ambassador's name is Pidaa Cha Meityum, and she will be taking 50 armed personnel; we will have 38 Niraamaya crack troopers, each carrying 1 M4 Carbine, a combat knife, a SOCOM pistol and 3 A1 "Tankbustas" (Note: They are handgun sized), 10 medics, each carrying 1 Desert Eagle and 1 combat knife, and 2 Bodyguards, each carrying 2 combat knives and 2 Beretta 92s. All security personnel has a Taser dart shooter.

The ambassador herself will be carrying a broadsword, two combat knives, a Taser Dart Shooter, two Desert Eagles, one .50 cal anti-material rifle and 2 M870 Shotguns. She will also be carrying an A1 Tankbusta.

Note that the ambassador is bio- and nanoaugmeted. If you have any objections, please contact us.

We will be taking 2 Apache helicopters and 2 Limousines (Bullet-Proof Custom Model, mounted machinegun) and 1 Limousine (Bullet-Proof Custom Model, mounted rocket launcher, EXPERIMENTAL)

APPROVED BY:
President Amitabho Chattopadhyay
Ambassador Meityum Cha Pidaa

(OOC: See my siggy for my embassy link.)

FAO his Excellency Secretary Faisano from the office of his Imperial Highness Prince Ariq Urbal Ambassador of Urgench to Omigodtheykilledkenny Nov 4th


Your Excellency, we would like to present your government with some further tokens of the Empire's regard for your great nation and indeed we are anxious to open trade negotiations with Omigodtheykilledkenny at the most convenient juncture.

Further to this we were wondering if it might be possible for us to construct an embassy building in which ever district is most appropriate for such a purpose. The Paradise City Ramada has been good to us but we are afraid it will not be adequate for the work we must do here. Attached to this missive is an architect's rendering of the sort of structure we would like to build. We are sure you will agree that such a building would be an ornament to the already astounding beauty of Paradise City.

Naturally such a project would also provide much employment for Kennyite construction workers and trades persons, and our government has directed us to fully recompense the state of Omigodtheykilledkenny, the civic authorities of Paradise City, and any other authorities or private individuals and concerns at generous market rates or in accordance with statutory requirements as may be necessary in relation to purchase of property, inconvenience, permissions e.t.c.


Yours with fondest regard, H.I.H. A.U.