NationStates Jolt Archive

The new nation, Empire of Seven Kids, is seeking a far more powerful nation, of any political persuasion, to participate in some sort of noticably corrupt transaction. Seven Kids' president, Chief Inspector Dreyfuss, is willing to let his country play scapegoat in almost any sort of international incident. I asked if he was serious about entertaining any sort of offer and he said "Let's start the bidding." The Empire of Seven Kids is willing to do just about anything to put its name on the map. You see, our president, Chief Inspector Dreyfuss, is convinced that "any publicity is good publicity," and he was adamant about my making sure that everyone spelled his name right.

All our tiny virgin nation asks, is for a little protection down the line--a sort of unwritten treaty. You see, as the tank on our flag suggests, Empire of Seven Kids is both militaristic and supremely overconfident. There is a fascistic theocratic movement afoot, and we're expecting to be destroyed one way or another if we don't get some help from a larger more powerful nation.

So what do you say? Have some nuclear waste you need to dump? Need to store political prisoners? Need a regional military base? Looking for a partner in crime? The Empire of Seven Kids is ready for action.

Sincerely,
Assistant to Chief Inspector Dreyfuss

Empire of Seven Kids President Chief Inspector Dreyfuss picks up his red phone (actually it's the only working phone in the thatched-roof building):

"General?"

"Sir"

"I've got an idea."

"Sir?"

"What's the most certain way for a small country to get noticed?"

"Sir?"

"Famine doesn't draw the attention it once did. Civil war might make CNN, but not in a country the size of ESK. We need to plot an assasination."

"OK. But Mr. President, you realize we have almost no contact with the other countries of the world. Our policies and our relative lack of econmic power have almost completely isolated us. Perhaps we should look to diplomatic channels or humanitarian solutions to gain relevence."

"No, I don't think that will do. Assemble our best and brightest for the assasination attempt."

"But sir ... what foreign leader are we going after?"

"Well, it hardy matters. I don't expect we've got the underworld connections or domestic bonfides to kill any head of state, but just the plot and resultant discovery of said plot should be enough to guarantee some mainstream media coverage. Let's go after someone big, like our neighbors to the north. See if they'll agree to publicly announce the uncovering of our plot to assasinate their leader. If they'll agree, we'll call our guys off."

"But sir, I'm afraid that doesn't make a lot of sense. I don't even know what to do with this. I fear I'll be laughed at--that you'll be laughed at. I beg you to reconsider."

"No, General, I think this is just what we've been looking for. And tell those bastards that if they don't want to play nice, we'll do whatever we can to get one of them--even if it's an ambassador or something. I'm sure you boys can get a crack at someone. Let me know what they say."

2300 hours

tag

And so the General was off to the Provocador Islands, and toward the superpower Empire of the Nebarri Prime. Normally the General would travel by tank, as that is the primary mode of transport in the Empire of Seven Kids, but so as to keep a lower profile, he arrived in a basic white economy-class rental car.

What he was shocked to find, and thought almost beyond all belief, was the technological superiority of Nebarri Prime. Several times he found himself temporarily confused by the various gizmos he encountered in country. The parking structure which automatically parked and stacked cars was particularly impressive.

The General was also quite surprised to find that the government of Nebarri Prime was already aware of his presence on arrival. Police come in all shapes and sizes.

Although he wasn't able to gain an audience with the supreme dictator, he was eventually granted a meeting with someone considerably farther down the totem pole. Nervous, and embarassed by what he was about to ask, the General smiled and took a deep breath.

"Well, first I want to thank you for seeing me on such sort notice. I trust that your associate was finally able to confirm the existence of our peaceful nation. I know you're very busy, so I'll cut right to it and gve you the message that President Chief Inspector wanted me to relay."

"He would like to ask your country to acknowledge publicly the discovery of a plot ... our plot, to have your honorable leader assassintated. But before you comment, let me try to explain what we have in mind. You see, the Chief Inspector is convinced that our country will garner some respect and notoriety if we are involved in an international incident of this nature. Certainly we could attack one of our feeble neighbors, or starve our populace, but it is our firm belief that a murderous plot will draw more attention and result in fewer casualties."

"Lastly, in exchange for making this news public, we will grant the mighty nation of Nebarri Prime a sort of "father figure" status. We will look to Nebarri Prime for direction. We'll be a convenient place for Nebarri Prime to trespass, a vocal defender of Nebarri Prime's interests, a place to annex in a pinch. Before you say no, keep in mind how this story will play in your own media: Government Police Foil Assassination Attempt. It could really boost nationalism to see the excellent leader dodge a bullet. What do you think?"

“Emperor Keller has no need to “dodge a bullet” as you say. It would be far easier to fake such an assassination attempt, but we also do not like to lie to our media. Depending on what your nation has to offer we will decide what to do. We may even go with your plan. Until then you will remain in this building preferred that you also stay on this floor.”

The “interrogator” as you could call it left the room, guards where set in place to make sure the man didn’t leave, yet.




After informing the Emperor of the offer, Emperor Keller sent an encrypted message to Seven Kids reading

From: The Empire of Nebarri Prime
To: the nation of Seven Kids

Hello, we understand you wished to try an assassination on me, we have however something better. We can now claim fully that when this man arrived he was inspected and discovered to be plotting an assassination attempt on me Emperor Keller.

Encrypted message from Chief Inspector Dreyfuss of Empire of Seven Kids:

"Emperor Keller, thank you for the prompt reponse to our inquiry. Your suggestion is excellent. Let's move forward. Do what you must with the General. All we ask is that you make as much noise publicly as possible. The people of Seven Kids, through an unsuccessful attempts at nefarious activities, will forever be deemed an outlaw state, a rogue nation--a gun for hire. The nations of the world, whether they love us or hate us, must at least consider us now. For this we thank you."