United Chicken Kleptos
21-08-2005, 18:55
The Final Accounts of Ex-President Timmah
It began like any other day for me. I took out my favorite cereal and poured myself a bowl and ate it.
And once I had finished, I tried to close the box.
It refused to let me.
Again, I tried to close the box.
Guess what happened?
It still wouldn’t let me shut it.
I stared at it for a few minutes, figuring out what had happened that wouldn’t let me close it. Then it hit me. The cereal kept on sinking to the bottom of the bag.
So I tried to move the cereal around in the bag. That accomplished very little.
So I just decided that I could ambush it. You know, close the box when it least expected it.
Big mistake!
That only made me even more frustrated than before, because my plans were failing.
So I spent the next half hour staring at box of cereal through a pair of binoculars.
It was at this time that I had realized it had painted frosted in white. These things had become too smart, my mind told me.
I went to plan B, since Plan A could only work if the cereal hadn’t had frosted written on them.
I didn't have a plan B, so I had to go to plan C, which was to make plan B.
After the long process of formulating a plan B, it turned out to be 'go to plan D'. So I did.
Unfortunately, plan D was also plans E, F, and G, so I just got bored and attempted to scare the box of cereal through interrogation.
It wouldn't flinch or budge. I even threatened it with a carton of milk and showed him what had happened to the last cereal box that had sassed me! It refused to let me close it.
The cereal box had outsmarted me again.
I got tired of this and ripped the box apart. I took huge bites out of the cardboard to cause the box pain, and swallowed it.
Maybe it got slightly out of hand, but the knifing was certainly justified.
And after all of that, I had gotten hungry. I sat down to have another bowl of cereal.
Long story short, the same thing happened.
Well, almost the same thing.
The box had somehow escaped into the vents.
For the next few hours, I searched for the cereal box with no luck. I got tired of having to search for the accomplice.
I lined up every single cereal box in my house. Then I announced that the Cereal Inquisition would be started and continued until I found the box of cereal that had escaped.
The box that revealed where the other box was would be rewarded greatly.
So I asked the opening question. Where is the cereal box that had refused to comply with me?
They wouldn't talk.
I took a spoon and slowly ate the first box in the line.
They had obviously been trained very well, because none of them said anything, not even the box that I was eating.
I went back to plan B, which still had little meaning. Neither did plans C, D, E, F, or G.
I was forced made plan H, which turned into preparation H, since plan H was to prepare to make plan I.
After all the formulating, I just threw them all into the pool and waited.
Waited.
Waited.
And no one talked.
I would have to take drastic measures if I were to find out the cereal box that had been the accomplice and trained them so well.
The next thing I did was I took them out of the pool, and held out an axe. If no one talked, someone would be chopped into little tiny bits.
Again, no one said a word.
So I did what I had to do.
I diced a box and threw mashed bits of cereal on the line of remaining boxes.
They didn't flinch, or scream, or cry. They were too good.
I had to start burning them with a cigarette lighter from a car, but all they did was catch fire and die.
All the cereal boxes lay burning in the dirt when I realized that there is another place abundant it their kind.
The grocery store...
Fortunately, I reached the grocery store unscathed. Not everything in my path did.
I walked along the aisles, looking for the grains. With no luck, I turned back to find myself face-to-face with a giant tower of cereal boxes.
I grinned and walked up to them. I said that if no one talked, they would all die. Not a single one of them spoke or budged.
I sighed and looked around, since I had no way of talking to them. I stared right at the dairy section and walked over.
I reached in the back of the milk cartons and pulled out the cereal's worst enemy——milk from the void.
I looked at the expiration date.
September 30, 1891.
Walking back over to the cereal, I held up the milk. They still didn't budge.
I pointed to the expiration date.
Nothing.
At that point, I lost it and screamed. I jumped into the tower, sending it teetering into the frozen food section.
Fortunately, it fell a foot short of taking out the ice cream.
I slowly got up and brushed myself off while looking at the crowd staring at me. I told them that they had refused to cooperate, and they had to be terminated.
Luckily, they just ignored what I had done and went on with their shopping.
I sighed and took a drink from the bucket of milk, not realizing that it was the same milk I had threatened them with.
I threw the milk aside and strode around the rest of the store.
Every person that came within ten yards of me passed out. I had taken out all cereal that had threatened me.
So I left with several unanswered questions.
Who controlled the cereal?
Who was the accomplice?
Who will clean up the milk?
I had not gotten my answer from the cereal. I also had no ideas left. Except for one that I only had as a last resort (plan Z)
So I sucked up every doubt I had and went to the store. They gave me a very good price on what I bought.
I hooked everything up and took the trigger box in my hands. I flipped the safety switch and pressed the big red button in the center.
A fraction of a second later, my house exploded.
But of course, that is not the ending. There was an international cereal convention there that night that I felt the need to attend.
I pushed open the doors to the Shark Tank. It had been turned into a casino where the cereals of the world were gambling.
I smiled.
They wouldn't be leaving this place alive.
I ripped out a gun and shouted, "Say hello to mah little friend!" I shot every box in the casino dead and left.
Only that's how I wished it had happened. Instead, they ripped out guns and shouted at me. I ran around in circles screaming.
And they shot me. Or at least that’s what they were gonna do.
They didn’t have any time.
Apparently some idiot thought it was funny to rig the entire Shark Tank with explosives. They also thought it was funny to put a giant red button on the wall that was right behind me.
And guess what? I backed up into the button.
Smart.
Well, at least that solved my cereal box problem. Yet I have the feeling I’ll be seeing more of them where I'm going...
It began like any other day for me. I took out my favorite cereal and poured myself a bowl and ate it.
And once I had finished, I tried to close the box.
It refused to let me.
Again, I tried to close the box.
Guess what happened?
It still wouldn’t let me shut it.
I stared at it for a few minutes, figuring out what had happened that wouldn’t let me close it. Then it hit me. The cereal kept on sinking to the bottom of the bag.
So I tried to move the cereal around in the bag. That accomplished very little.
So I just decided that I could ambush it. You know, close the box when it least expected it.
Big mistake!
That only made me even more frustrated than before, because my plans were failing.
So I spent the next half hour staring at box of cereal through a pair of binoculars.
It was at this time that I had realized it had painted frosted in white. These things had become too smart, my mind told me.
I went to plan B, since Plan A could only work if the cereal hadn’t had frosted written on them.
I didn't have a plan B, so I had to go to plan C, which was to make plan B.
After the long process of formulating a plan B, it turned out to be 'go to plan D'. So I did.
Unfortunately, plan D was also plans E, F, and G, so I just got bored and attempted to scare the box of cereal through interrogation.
It wouldn't flinch or budge. I even threatened it with a carton of milk and showed him what had happened to the last cereal box that had sassed me! It refused to let me close it.
The cereal box had outsmarted me again.
I got tired of this and ripped the box apart. I took huge bites out of the cardboard to cause the box pain, and swallowed it.
Maybe it got slightly out of hand, but the knifing was certainly justified.
And after all of that, I had gotten hungry. I sat down to have another bowl of cereal.
Long story short, the same thing happened.
Well, almost the same thing.
The box had somehow escaped into the vents.
For the next few hours, I searched for the cereal box with no luck. I got tired of having to search for the accomplice.
I lined up every single cereal box in my house. Then I announced that the Cereal Inquisition would be started and continued until I found the box of cereal that had escaped.
The box that revealed where the other box was would be rewarded greatly.
So I asked the opening question. Where is the cereal box that had refused to comply with me?
They wouldn't talk.
I took a spoon and slowly ate the first box in the line.
They had obviously been trained very well, because none of them said anything, not even the box that I was eating.
I went back to plan B, which still had little meaning. Neither did plans C, D, E, F, or G.
I was forced made plan H, which turned into preparation H, since plan H was to prepare to make plan I.
After all the formulating, I just threw them all into the pool and waited.
Waited.
Waited.
And no one talked.
I would have to take drastic measures if I were to find out the cereal box that had been the accomplice and trained them so well.
The next thing I did was I took them out of the pool, and held out an axe. If no one talked, someone would be chopped into little tiny bits.
Again, no one said a word.
So I did what I had to do.
I diced a box and threw mashed bits of cereal on the line of remaining boxes.
They didn't flinch, or scream, or cry. They were too good.
I had to start burning them with a cigarette lighter from a car, but all they did was catch fire and die.
All the cereal boxes lay burning in the dirt when I realized that there is another place abundant it their kind.
The grocery store...
Fortunately, I reached the grocery store unscathed. Not everything in my path did.
I walked along the aisles, looking for the grains. With no luck, I turned back to find myself face-to-face with a giant tower of cereal boxes.
I grinned and walked up to them. I said that if no one talked, they would all die. Not a single one of them spoke or budged.
I sighed and looked around, since I had no way of talking to them. I stared right at the dairy section and walked over.
I reached in the back of the milk cartons and pulled out the cereal's worst enemy——milk from the void.
I looked at the expiration date.
September 30, 1891.
Walking back over to the cereal, I held up the milk. They still didn't budge.
I pointed to the expiration date.
Nothing.
At that point, I lost it and screamed. I jumped into the tower, sending it teetering into the frozen food section.
Fortunately, it fell a foot short of taking out the ice cream.
I slowly got up and brushed myself off while looking at the crowd staring at me. I told them that they had refused to cooperate, and they had to be terminated.
Luckily, they just ignored what I had done and went on with their shopping.
I sighed and took a drink from the bucket of milk, not realizing that it was the same milk I had threatened them with.
I threw the milk aside and strode around the rest of the store.
Every person that came within ten yards of me passed out. I had taken out all cereal that had threatened me.
So I left with several unanswered questions.
Who controlled the cereal?
Who was the accomplice?
Who will clean up the milk?
I had not gotten my answer from the cereal. I also had no ideas left. Except for one that I only had as a last resort (plan Z)
So I sucked up every doubt I had and went to the store. They gave me a very good price on what I bought.
I hooked everything up and took the trigger box in my hands. I flipped the safety switch and pressed the big red button in the center.
A fraction of a second later, my house exploded.
But of course, that is not the ending. There was an international cereal convention there that night that I felt the need to attend.
I pushed open the doors to the Shark Tank. It had been turned into a casino where the cereals of the world were gambling.
I smiled.
They wouldn't be leaving this place alive.
I ripped out a gun and shouted, "Say hello to mah little friend!" I shot every box in the casino dead and left.
Only that's how I wished it had happened. Instead, they ripped out guns and shouted at me. I ran around in circles screaming.
And they shot me. Or at least that’s what they were gonna do.
They didn’t have any time.
Apparently some idiot thought it was funny to rig the entire Shark Tank with explosives. They also thought it was funny to put a giant red button on the wall that was right behind me.
And guess what? I backed up into the button.
Smart.
Well, at least that solved my cereal box problem. Yet I have the feeling I’ll be seeing more of them where I'm going...