Mortondiri
26-07-2005, 11:35
Terms and Conditions for lasting and eternal peace between:
The Holy Empire Of Mortondiri
&
The Royal Kingdom Of Newbia
As to be negotiated for in the neutral NationState Of:
The United States of Independent Hitmen
The Holy Empire Of Mortondiri formally demands:
1. the full withdrawl of Newbian forces and spies from Holy Empire Of Mortondiri land and territorial waters
2. the Newbian island and resort of Paradise Islnad, located 220 miles off the Newbian mainland, to be transferred into eternal Holy Empire Of Mortondiri sovereignty
3. the establishment of a demilitarized zone (DMZ) between our two NationStates, to be patrolled by armed The United States of Independent Hitmen forces
4. the return of all Holy Empire Of Mortondiri POW's held by Newbia to Holy Empire Of Mortondiri soil, unharmed
5. a Holy Empire Of Mortondiri consulate to be established in the Newbian capital city
6. a Church Of The Holy Alliance cathedral to be bulit in the Newbian capital
7. all of Newbia to to be freely accessible by Church Of The Holy Alliance missionaries
8. the Newbian economy to be open to trade with Holy Empire Of Mortondiri corporations
9. an end to all Newbian tarrifs on importsfrom the Holy Empire Of Mortondiri
10. General Wendal Weskpeice, commander of the Newbian battleship "NSS Prissy", to be put into Holy Empire Of Mortondiri custody. He shall be put on trial for war-crimes following the bombardment of civilian populations
11. Lord Obese Beast, Newbian Minister of War, to be put into Holy Empire Of Mortondiri custody. He shall be put on trial for war-crimes following the implementation of the naval blockade of Holy Empire Of Mortondiri territorial waters, which led to over 27,000 civilians starving to death (please ignore any slanderous lies suggesting that they were in fact democracy-seeking revolutionaries, and their families, who died from gassing....)
In return, the Holy Empire Of Mortondiri shall humbly:
12. withdraw all Holy Empire Of Mortondiri Holy Warriors from Newbian territory
13. return all Newbian POW's to Newbian soil
14. cease all production and sales of the Newbian industries (TM) Ultimate Doomsday Device crack. However, the Holy Empire Of Mortondiri reserves the right to not disclose the names of any NationStates which purchased said crack
15. grant permission to Newbia for it to change it's currency to that of the much higher-valued Holy Alliance Pound, in a bid to save the ailing Newbian economy
16. grant permission to Newbian corporations to invest in the Holy Empire Of Mortondiri woodchip industry (providing the woodchips are not used for any military purpose)
17. grant permission to Newbian corporations to purchase/import Holy Empire Of Mortondiri dumps - I mean stocks - of nuclear and toxic waste
18. consider an application by Newbia to relocate to the region of the Holy Alliance
The Holy Empire Of Mortondiri eagerly awaits the response of the Newbian delegation.
Independent Hitmen
26-07-2005, 13:47
We can confirm that these negotiations are taking place in the United States. President Anderson is personally chairing them in the Asian Treaty Room of the New White House.
The President is said to be confident that an agreement can be reached if both parties really reach for one to end the conflict that has recently abated but still has the potential to greatly harm both nations.
After much confusion and milling about, the chief of mostly everything arrives relatively unscathed through customs and to the diplomatic meeting... and catches his breath
"And I, The (Royal) Advisor. Who shall remain anonymous and facially obscured during the peace-negotiations for security reasons. Shall try to put an end to this pointless and moot feud before our beloved leader, King Newbhart IX, grows bored and forgets it... Again."
"Speaking of which, I do apologize that he could not be here in person in order to sign this biased treaty, due to a severe head-trauma he suffered when his wife caught him in bed with the female representatives of a potentially hostile power. All five of them."
"I apologize for any inconveniance this may have caused any Mortondirian assassins waiting for his Royal Hiney-er Highness. But I assure you that I have full authorization from the King to sign as I please. After some needed negotiations, of course. Now, shall we get started then?"
The man clad all in purple flowing robes adjusts his pointy hat, sits down and reads through the documents.. once.. then twice. Then starts quoting loudly from the excessively poorly spelled Mortondirian document. With a diplomatic trainee pointing out interesting sub-paragraphs and fine prints over his shoulder.
The Holy Empire Of Mortondiri formally demands:
1. the full withdrawl of Newbian forces and spies from Holy Empire Of Mortondiri land and territorial waters
"Done and done, we're getting tired of the live-feed from the Holy Emperors bedroom anyway. Not enough action."
"We'll have the puppets, paper-cutouts, and Sub-Privates Toby & Basil recalled from your borders within the week."
2. the Newbian island and resort of Paradise Islnad, located 220 miles off the Newbian mainland, to be transferred into eternal Holy Empire Of Mortondiri sovereignty
"Let me back to you on this... Seeing as we don't actually have a coastline.."*
3. the establishment of a demilitarized zone (DMZ) between our two NationStates, to be patrolled by armed The United States of Independent Hitmen forces
"We agree to this, on the condition that it won't cost us anything. But hopefully this zone will not be required in the near future.."
4. the return of all Holy Empire Of Mortondiri POW's held by Newbia to Holy Empire Of Mortondiri soil, unharmed
Unfortunately we've had disturbing reports of the POW's refusing to leave their designated interment camps. But since you asked us nicely we will try to expel them back to your country within the months end.
5. a Holy Empire Of Mortondiri consulate to be established in the Newbian capital city
Agreed.
6. a Church Of The Holy Alliance cathedral to be bulit in the Newbian capital
7. all of Newbia to to be freely accessible by Church Of The Holy Alliance missionaries
"Agreed, Newbia does not fear foreign religions. Or the nutjobs who perform them openly in the streets. However we will participate in this in no way, shape or form, neither financially or with security forces to protect your operatives from the onehundred and eighty other religious groups, sects, cabals, organisations that operate within our borders. Well, other than regular police action requires us to. Moving on..." taking a sip of water as he says so..
8. the Newbian economy to be open to trade with Holy Empire Of Mortondiri corporations
9. an end to all Newbian tarrifs on importsfrom the Holy Empire Of Mortondiri
"Due to an unfortunate mistake, the paperwork were never signed. And the official status on trade between our two nations have been 'hostile' for well over... 9 months. However I will rectify the situation the moment I get back to the Capitol.. Even if I have to fake the signatures myself. The house of Trade will have a field-day. We agree."
10. General Wendal Weskpeice, commander of the Newbian battleship "NSS Prissy", to be put into Holy Empire Of Mortondiri custody. He shall be put on trial for war-crimes following the bombardment of civilian populations
"You mean Admiral Wendal "Nutjobs" Wekpeice.. Commander of the Newbian battleship "NSS Priscilla", the "Prissy" is a land-submarine."
"Unfortunately Admiral Wendal died in a unfortunate training accident, after a cadet manage to aim the 180mm caliber deck cannon straight at his head..."
"We will however send you his remains, his right hand middle finger, to do as you seem fit to. Most likely burn it on a stake."
11. Lord Obese Beast, Newbian Minister of War, to be put into Holy Empire Of Mortondiri custody. He shall be put on trial for war-crimes following the implementation of the naval blockade of Holy Empire Of Mortondiri territorial waters, which led to over 27,000 civilians starving to death (please ignore any slanderous lies suggesting that they were in fact democracy-seeking revolutionaries, and their families, who died from gassing....)
"Lord of the who-now?"
*hurried whispers*
"But.. that was a landbased blockade..."
"Look, we'll have to renegotiate this before we'll sign "
A random delegate slams his fist into the table. Seriosly injuring himself
"And will someone send in a medic for my aid, I think he got splinters."
In return, the Holy Empire Of Mortondiri shall humbly:
12. withdraw all Holy Empire Of Mortondiri Holy Warriors from Newbian territory
"Normally I'd object on the cheap easily exploitable wording of this statement. But judging from your apparent lack of knowledge, you can't possibly have any spies in our nation..."
"Isn't that right, agent?"The purpleclad delegate says towards a potted plant in a corner of the room. To which it replies "You'betcha."
13. return all Newbian POW's to Newbian soil
Alive please... I've had a long day and I don't want to be responsible for any more diplomatic cockups this evening...
14. cease all production and sales of the Newbian industries (TM) Ultimate Doomsday Device crack. However, the Holy Empire Of Mortondiri reserves the right to not disclose the names of any NationStates which purchased said crack
"Agreed, and we reserve the right to change the security systems which aforementioned crack was designed to break, thus effectively rendering it useless."
"Furthermore, we thank you for coming to your senses. It's bad enough when someone tries to make money on threatening the planet. But it's even worse when someone tries to cash in on its assured destruction. Hint-hint?"
15. grant permission to Newbia for it to change it's currency to that of the much higher-valued Holy Alliance Pound, in a bid to save the ailing Newbian economy
"We also thank you for this wonderful oppurtunity to chrash our economy and I assure you we will respond post-with wether we wish to change from our current system of randomly stamped gold pieces. to the Alliance Pound. Causing the worst inflation ever seen in a country's currency. Since the ruskhis tried to print money on the spot to fund their war-machine."
16. grant permission to Newbian corporations to invest in the Holy Empire Of Mortondiri woodchip industry (providing the woodchips are not used for any military purpose)
"Albiet I fail to see the military applications of woodchips, I assure you we will work our brains out trying to figure out one, just so we can avoid using it for those purposes. I will send along a copy of this to our scientists."
17. grant permission to Newbian corporations to purchase/import Holy Empire Of Mortondiri dumps - I mean stocks - of nuclear and toxic waste
"Blah-blah-blah yack yack yack, we whole heartedly thank you for your endless charity, etc etc etc-"
18. consider an application by Newbia to relocate to the region of the Holy Alliance
The Holy Empire Of Mortondiri eagerly awaits the response of the Newbian delegation.
"And once hell freezes over we might actually consider it..."
The delegate puts down the documents with a sigh.
"This will be a long day gentlemen.. But if we edit out paragraph 2 and 11 we might get this signed, today." -
He declares to the assembled staff. And rises up.
"In fact, we might even forget the slanderous remarks of our noble people's heritage. We may be Newbs. Yes. But atleast we're not holier-than-thou bigots like you guys."
-King Newbhart's foremost Advisor.-
~Hail to the King, baby~
Independent Hitmen
01-08-2005, 20:53
OOC: Newbia that actually had me laughing out loud so much that it scared my brother! Fantastic post!
IC:
President Anderson will be leaving the negotiations to be chaired by Vice-President Simon Bull. This is due to the obvious progress that is being made, along with the President's desire to see his potted plant collection and see if they all speak.