NationStates Jolt Archive

2005_0713 : : SL/AP Wire
Byline: Ivana Bendova - Hogan City News-Free Press
Title: Montaine Flouts World Opinion
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Un-named sources confirm that Montaine has successfully tested a humor-based area-effect weapon in the desert region between Montaine [news/info] and neighboring Toucanistan [news/info]. A black cloud of furious humiliation was reported emanating from the testing area and drifting across the border. Several Toucanistani villages and mutual backscratching halls have been evacuated, uprooting hundreds or even dozens of refugees. The Toucanistani Department of Propaganda and Public Whingeing lodged a formal protest with UN authorities, alleging violation of the controversial Multi-lateral Mockery Test-ban Treaty. At last report, UN humor anti-proliferation officials were cloistered in session trying to decide how to respond without making anybody smile in wry amusement. While not a direct flame or ad hominem insult, the test represents a significant threat to stability in the region, opening up the possibility of funny and otherwise obliquely insulting posts between local nations.

In a related development, Montainean Minister of Foreign Affairs A. Pomposius Winde-Bagg announced this afternoon that Montaine had officially withdrawn from the United Nations after confirming rumors of the successful MMD test. "Those humorless idiots can't take a joke," he shouted during the press conference, "And the bloody dour Toucanistanis can suck it. A little megaton-range lightening of their spirits might improve their dreadful little backwater."

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[Frootopia, Toucanistan - Reuters] Toucani officials held a hastily-organized emergency press conference to speak out on the rapidly deteriorating situation along the border with Montaine. The Secretary of Frooty Breakfast Cereal and Refugee Management delivered the following address:

"My people! The Montainean infidels seek to mock us for our humble ways and frooty-sweet traditions. They hate us not because of what we have done, but because of who we are! We represent all that is good in the world: truth, justice, and high-fructose corn syrup! They cannot abide by our success, and only wish to drag us into petty flame wars and Internet trolling. This cannot stand! We must fight back! Jihad against the Bitchslap Infidels, my brothers!"

"Whew. Okay. Any questions?"

The only member of the press present at the event grilled the Secretary for a full twenty-five seconds on the subject of the official's odd appearance.

"What do you mean, 'why am I wearing this plastic toucan nose?' This is the way of my people," he replied, "Do I go around asking you why you wear that awful jacket?"

2005_0713 : : SL/AP Wire
Byline: Ivana Bendova - The Vast Wasteland
Title: Montainean Troops Advance
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Elite units of the Montainean Army of Surrealist Surgency (ASS) advanced under cover of darkness to forward positions within the Wasteland between Montaine and Toucanistan this evening. Montainean officials report that the forward deployments are intended to prevent hostile pre-emption by the rogue Toucanistanis. Earlier in the day, a Toucanistani government official issued a call for terrorist action against the peace-loving nation of Montaine after the Montainean Ministry of Top Secret Stuff conducted a successful test of its latest, purely defensive, Mockery of Mass Destruction.

This reporter has been embedded with a previously top-secret commando element of ASS, tasked with infiltrating enemy territory and conducting humerous operations behind enemy lines. This reporter cannot explain the meaning of "embedded" at this time, since this is a family newsfeed. Let it suffice to say that this reporter is currently very tired and a little sore.

All is quiet. For now, we can only hope that the sugar-pushing evil Toucani warlords will reconsider their ill-advised aggression against peaceful, humor-loving Montaine.

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----Pimp News Network----
--------Top Story---------

His Grand Majesty, LaShawn MackDonald, Mack Daddy Regent, Master of the Bling, Emperor of Aurora Avenue, and Defender of the Hos has offered his assistance to the tiny, embattled nation of Toucanistan in its ongoing struggle with the expansionist and mostly unfunny Dominion of Montaine. Following this announcement, an entire division of armored purple Cadillacs with gold wheels and variable hydraulics was delivered to Frootopia, the Toucani capital city, along with a heavy brigade of coked-up pimps with gats. In return, the Toucanistan high council has promised quadrupled shipments of frooty breakfast cereal to Mack Dizzle in order to help feed the increasing numbers of starving crack hos in the capital city.

When asked about his motivations for the surprise offer of aid, his most Serene and Gold-Encrusted Majesty articulated his foreign policy doctrine, "B*tch be steppin' out on this playa's block, I give 'em my Pimp Hand."

This statement was greated with resounding applause from the Royal Council.

[Frootopia, Toucanistan - Faux News] As hundreds of armored pimpmobiles rumbled down Kellogg Boulevard, the citizens of Toucanistan donned their brightly colored plastic toucan noses and ran into the streets to greet their new allies in the fight against ill-conceived internet trolling by the despicable Montainean Infidels. There were several unfortunate incidents as coked-up pimps with gats fired randomly into the crowd in a paranoid frenzy.

President Sam Toucan LXXIV, hereditary three-term democratically-elected president-for-life of Toucanistan, addressed the thronging crowd from behind a two-inch-thick slab of bulletproof Lexan:

"Um...Is this thing on? It is? Oh, good. *clears throat* Hear me Toucanis and Mack Daddies alike. We stand at the edge of a great abyss, into which those who would embroil the globe in Usenet-like flamewars and indiscriminate trolling would push all the sugar-cereal-loving peoples of the world. We must not allow this barbarism to destroy everything that we stand for!"

"Tomorrow, as you march out to face your enemies, remember that it is your duty to yourselves and your posterity to take their poorly-imagined attempts at mockery and ram them down their sorry throats. Teach them what we really mean when we yell our battle cry: 'Part of a Complete Breakfast!'"

"Thank you, and God bless."

2005_0714 : : SL/AP Wire
Byline: Chet "Woody" Woods - Faux News
Title: War!!!
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Fighting broke out all along the border between Montaine and Toucanistan in the early hours of the morning, July 14. A tense stand-off precipitated by Montaine's recent test of Mockery of Mass Destruction has turned to full-blown war as Montainean units pushed across the border in a withering assault of spelling flames and fart jokes.

It appeared as if tensions might have been easing as the night began. UN ambassadors had initiated a peace process and brought all parties to the table to discuss a mutual standing-down. Part-way through the diplomatic session, the thunderous sound of gunfire could be heard from the nearby border area.

Though details are still hazy, it appears that a rogue pimp was joyriding his armored Cadillac through the No-man's Land that separates Montaine and Toucanistan when he was stopped by Montainean troops at a border control station. While yelling obscene insults about "pigs" and obscure threats about "perpetratin' a 1-8-7," the inebriated pimp stood up through the roof hatch of his vehicle (called a "sunroof") and began firing his submachine pistol, or "gat," into the air.

The burst of gunfire drew an immediate response from Montainean automatic artillery, which was struck by an "alt.politics.flame"-class suface-to-surface missile. The destruction was total. No one survived. Not even friendly troops.

The blast from the missile seems to have touched off a spontaneous offensive all along the Montainean lines. As Army of Surrealist Surgency (ASS) commanders attempted to re-assert command authority over their own troops, the chaos of battle quickly engulfed the entire border region. At last report, Montainean troops had advanced as much as four miles inside Toucanistan and were indiscriminately trolling and flaming wherever they went.

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