NationStates Jolt Archive

Meta-OOC: I’ve been spotty for a while, and while my computer is still dead (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=420136) I’ve now commandeered my sisters’, and I can get some life on the forums. I shall return as I departed… unnoticed. Er… I mean, “with humor”. Take a peek into the skeleton-stuffed closets of my military, the embarrassing home videos from the testing grounds, the pre-pubescent stumbling of technology. This is the raw footage: Kaukolastan’s Funniest Test Videos:

Meta-IC: We here in Kaukolastan believe in the primacy of technology, the ability to solve any problem through technical ability. If there is some issue which is unsolved, it is only because there is a lack of engineering vision to solve the flaw. Due to this cultural disposition, the Kaukolastani military has always been known for its cutting edge, experimental, and sometimes bizarre weapons. Most of the time, these systems are powerful in their own role, and effective at their task; however, not everything is created equal, and many of these now mundane weapons were once prototypes, X-craft, or some officer’s wet dream. Now is their time; now is the time for these old warhorses to finally show the world just how far they have come.

We give you…

Kaukolastan’s Beta Weapons: Why We Test This Shit!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, the Scion of Swift, the Queen of Quick Strike, the Bain of Friendly Infantry, the LAV32 Rapier Hovertank!

The Rapier was designed as a light support tank destroyer, relying on Surface Effects, high efficiency turbines, and ultra-light composites to skim over the ground, hovering over the terrain, zooming about the battlefield at one hundred and eighty kilometers per hour, striking and fading before the enemy could return fire. The original model was locked to hover at four decimeters, to bypass mines and move rapidly. There were some issues.


Test 172: Rough Terrain Mobility
“Test one seventy two, rough terrain mobility, commencing.” The officer nodded to the camera, and turned to the sleek LAV32. The pilot of the craft gave thumbs up, and the tank rose on a plume of dirt and the whining roar of an engine. The LAV32 began to glide forward, faster an faster.

It darted left, right, left again, weaving between the obstacles. Dip, dodge, juke, jive, the Rapier sideslipped over the field. Then, it passed over a six inch rock.

SPROING!

The ground sensors detected the obstruction, and the LAV32 vaulted into the air, then slammed down as the rock rolled away. The impact shook loose more rocks, and the vehicle lunged into the air again. This time, when it slammed down, a rock wedged into the plating, and the sensors detected another surface.

The thrusters lit to full power, trying to clear the “obstruction”.

The Rapier blasted off, vaulting six feet into the air and hovering there, engines on full blast, trying to escape the “collision”. Then the falling safety triggered, and the pilot ejected, blasting high above and descending on a small parachute. The ejection jammed the flight controls, and the LAV32 zoomed forward, screaming towards the safety barricades.

However, hovering at about six feet in the air, the craft zipped right over the boundary walls, and flew off into the lake.

From the horizon, there was a flash, a fireball, a crack, and a plume of steam.

“Turn off that damn camera!”


Test 188: Modular Flight Surfaces: Individual Areas of the Craft can now lift differing amounts to prevent a repeat of the “Rapier Run” of before.

The LAV32 sat on the patch of rocks, jerking and shaking up and down, the tail rising and falling, the corners of the vehicle flipping up, only to slam down.

“Hey, that’s sweet! It’s got hydraulics! That’s bangin’, bitch!”

The Rapier continued to “thump” up and down, to some invisible beat. The pilot inside was puking.


Test 213: Testing of 105mm Cannon

The LAV32 sat in front of empty bleachers, pointing its cannon downrange at a tank outline on the horizon. The crew cleared away, and it rose into mobile mode, the turret clanking as it set its ranging.

“Fire!”

-KABLAM-

The cannon bellowed, the fire blast billowed from the muzzle, and the shell zoomed over the range, slamming into the target. However, Newton’s law applied to the LAV32, and there was a reaction for this action.

The Rapier flipped backwards, flying through the empty bleachers like some maddened top. The thrusters went berserk, and the craft was flung up, only to complete a pile-driver back into the scaffolding, smashing the warped metal to red hot sheets and burrowing its nose two feet into the ground.

Smoke rose from the wreck, and the test dummies in the bleachers were crushed, burning, and disremembered.


Test 254: Low Velocity 105mm Cannon

The new, low velocity cannon sat atop the LAV32, and it was aligned downrange. The dummies waited new bleachers, and the crew scattered, for fear of their lives.

“Fire!”

-thunk-

There was a slight thud, and the LAV32 shuddered for a moment. A second later, like a groundhog from its burrow, the low velocity shell popped from the barrel, falling straight to the ground and rolling away.

“Loose ordnance!”

“Hot round!”

“Run away!”

“Oh, God! Hot potato!”

There was pandemonium, crew running from the “safe” areas, as the shell began to accelerate down the hill towards the camera bunker, rolling end over end. The cameraman jumped to freedom, and the shell rolled into the bunker. The camera view was blocked by a sudden darkness, with only the munitions lettering “105” visible; the shell fell from view-

-thud-
-BAMF!-

White noise.


Test 377: 2cm Coilgun

“Fire!”

-BZAP!-

The gun fired, and the propulsion failed. The LAV32 slammed into the ground, sparks flying. The emergency system triggered, and the pilot ejected. The thrusters rebooted, and the Rapier flashed off, over the walls, into the lake… again.

There was another fireball and thud and cloud of steam.

“Who wants fish?”

“God damn it.”


Test 445: 25mm Autocannon

“Fire!”

-blam blam blam blam blam blam blam blam-

The gun fired, and the LAV32 stayed on target and in place, sliding only slightly backwards as the autocannon fired again and again.

There was a sudden stunned silence as the gun fell silent, the targets destroyed.

One voice broke the still, “Holy shit. It actually worked.”

But then the sensors detected the shell casings, which had rolled under the LAV32.

The collision system came into action, and the Rapier began to “dance” again, jerking around like a hamster on cocaine, bumping up and down on invisible hydraulics.

“Oh, fuck this!”

Someone turned on a rap song, and the LAV32 continued to bump away on the flying casings.

OOC: HAHAHAHAHA! Holy shit.

OCC: -falls out of his chair laughing and gasping for breath- My god that was so f**king funny!!! More damnit need more!

No! Test "non-lethal" weapons next!

Next up, the Dragoon Jump Infantry: It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s bursting into flame and screaming in a pinwheel to the ground!

The Dragoon Jump Troops (NSwiki Link) (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Dragoon_Jump_Infantry) utilize a unique high-thrust vector pack to boost high over the battlefield, slamming down amid enemy forces and unleashing havoc in the trenches of battle. Rapid, mobile, and brutally lethal, the Jump Infantry can turn a heated battle, even while sustaining the high casualties expected of their units. However, even more dangerous than jumping into combat was testing the jump system.

Test 3174: Manual Flight Control System (Relies on Manipulation of Sensor Gloves and In-Visor Holographic Joystick)

The Flight Control Officer was yelling at the Dragoon Jump Soldier, “Remember, Jack, use you hand to steer the pack! Just pretend there’s a control set, and use the virtual joystick!”

There was a whine, a roar, and the Dragoon glanced over, his silver faceplate glinting in the morning sun. “No sweat, Colonel, it’s just like a plane.” Jack threw a thumbs up-

KA-FWOOSH!

-and was suddenly rocketing into the sky, screaming out a fading, “Hhhhoooooooolllllllyyyyy sssssshhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiittttt!”

The Colonel yelled to the plume of white smoke, “Joystick, Jack! Use the stick! Use the stick!”

There was a flash of silver, and Jack came flying in, low and fast, rolling out of control, arms flapping in the airflow haplessly, jetpack blasting in the random directions of his limbs pointing. There was another Doppler Effected scream as he shot overhead, “Ssssssssswwwwwweeeeetttt Jjjeesus! I’m goonnnnaaaaa ddddddiiiiiiiieeeeee!”

“Virtual stick!” The Colonel was screaming after the contrail. He whirled to the control team, “Can we slow him down?”

“Uh… no, sir! But… but… he should be running out of fuel soon.”

“That mean’s he’ll fall, right?” The Colonel took off his hat. “He’s carrying live ammunition-”

“-and he’s coming back!”

Jack was coming around again, a shockwave and silver streak, followed by a corona of blue-white fire and a plume of steam. Sure enough, the pack was sputtering, and he was now simply falling towards the crowd. Jack threw his arms in front of himself, trying to stop his fall in futility.

But the control systems were linked into his arms, and the control computer read his motion as a fire command.

Three rockets erupted from the pack, flashing down into the flight center. The blasts shook the camera, and dirt flashed up, into the air. The fountains of earth were hurled out, and the Colonel slammed into the camera, his check pressing to the lens as the whole assembly crashed to the ground.

Jack flashed across the sky, plunging into the lake amid the wreckage of several LAV32s.


Test 3256: Helmet Control System (Relies on Motion of Head and Eyes to Control Flight)

“Hey, Jack, you ready for this?” The Colonel, wearing an eye-patch, asked the silver suited Dragoon.

The Jump Soldier nodded. “Ready as eveeeeeerrrrrr!”

FWOOSH!

And Jack was gone with that traitorous nod, rocketing up into the sky on another plume of white smoke and sparks.

“Shit!” The Colonel threw his hat onto the ground.

“Don’t worry, sir, we gave him a chute.”

There was a puff, high in the sky, and a white and red parachute auto-deployed. But Jack was still shooting upwards, and the chute flashed behind him, snapping open-

-and the Dragoon was jerked like a tetherball on a string, the pack cutting out as the chute lines went taught-

-Jack fell back, through the chute, wrapping up inside of the multicolored meteor and plunging at the ground below.

A second parachute emerged from the first, and Jack slowed. But he still could not guide, since he could not see, and he plowed into the ground.

“That’s going to hurt.”

But a single gloved hand emerged from the pile, clenched in a fist. “I’m… fine.”


Test 3795: Quick Release Pack

“Listen, Jack, you don’t have to do this!” The newly gray-haired Colonel

“Hoo-ah, sir!” The suited Dragoon gave two thumbs up this time, confident in the new flight systems.

“Remember, just slap the X clasp to release the pack and deploy your chute! Go ahead and light up the burner!”

Jack glanced to the sky, tilting his head back. “To the skies!”

FWOOSH!

The pack flashed up onto the familiar contrail-

-but Jack was still below, the straps flapping free. The test pilot was slammed into the ground by the pillar of fire, rebounding a foot into the air as the pack spiraled away. Jack bounced back into the ground, and then sprang to his feet, the spaces between the armor burning.

“Burning! Burning! Oh, God, burning!”

“Stop drop and roll, Jack! Stop! Drop! And roll!”

“Eee-aaargh!” Jack hurled himself into the lake with a splash and hiss of steam. The armor vanished beneath the surface, and there were only bubbles from the cooling metal.

But the Jump Soldier broke the surface again, melted glove held high. “Wahoo! Let’s do that shit again!” And in the distance, the rocket pack slammed into the mountainside and detonated.