Universal Militia
27-05-2005, 22:37
At a press conference held on the Universal Militia research facility of Megagorkiatopia, a tall, skeletal man wearing a stereotypical white lab coat steps up to a bevy of microphones. Behind his announcement platform, a series of panoramic, thick glassteel windows opens up to a view of a small space dock. The dock is currently being occupied by some sort of generic rocket-type craft, probably for the benefit of the media. The tall scientist begins the press conference:
“Greetings, members of the galactic News Media. I am the Head Megagorkiatopian Researcher, Doctor Uhr Phudrukker. We have called this press conference to announce the Universal Militia’s new faster-than-light travel capabilities. This technology, dubbed the F.W.U.M.P. Drive will open up the UM to whole new avenues of trade and exploit—Um…I mean, opportunity! Opportunity! Anyhoo… The F.W.U.M.P. drive is a type of Faster-Than-Light technology that uses instant quantum displacement whattzitz to send an object, large or small, from one point far away to another point, further away. Because it is instantaneous, our new Drive causes a massive displacement of air in the vacuum of space when it moves an object, thereby causing a big ol’ “Fwump” sound. It’s pretty sweet.”
At this point, a member of the galactic News Media decides to try and reason with Dr. Phudrukker, which will ultimately prove futile.
Journalist: “But…what? That didn’t make any sense—listen. There’s no air in space. There's no sound in space because there's no air. That’s why it’s space. You know, a big void?”
Dr. Phudrukker: “Pfft. Of course there’s air in space. That’s how come you can hear cool special effects in it. Plus, it sounds like you’ve never heard of such a thing as the ‘Air In Space’ Musuem. Duh!”
Journalist: “No, that’s insane. There’s something fundamentally wrong with you people! It’s—it’s simple physics that there’s no air in space, even I know that, and I’m a journalism major!”
Dr. Phudrukker: “Whatever, Mister 'liberal news media'. I’m the scientist here! I was appointed so! This press conference is over!”
At which point the conference certainly does end: Darkly armored U.M. soldiers roughly the size and shape of small Buicks start tossing members of the galactic press into air-locks, push the big red ‘Departure’ buttons, and wave good-bye. The hapless journalist float off into inky blackness, turning a lovely pale blue. “Huh. They must be holding their breath too long. They should really try to remember to breathe,” Phudrukker comments as he exits the room.
“Greetings, members of the galactic News Media. I am the Head Megagorkiatopian Researcher, Doctor Uhr Phudrukker. We have called this press conference to announce the Universal Militia’s new faster-than-light travel capabilities. This technology, dubbed the F.W.U.M.P. Drive will open up the UM to whole new avenues of trade and exploit—Um…I mean, opportunity! Opportunity! Anyhoo… The F.W.U.M.P. drive is a type of Faster-Than-Light technology that uses instant quantum displacement whattzitz to send an object, large or small, from one point far away to another point, further away. Because it is instantaneous, our new Drive causes a massive displacement of air in the vacuum of space when it moves an object, thereby causing a big ol’ “Fwump” sound. It’s pretty sweet.”
At this point, a member of the galactic News Media decides to try and reason with Dr. Phudrukker, which will ultimately prove futile.
Journalist: “But…what? That didn’t make any sense—listen. There’s no air in space. There's no sound in space because there's no air. That’s why it’s space. You know, a big void?”
Dr. Phudrukker: “Pfft. Of course there’s air in space. That’s how come you can hear cool special effects in it. Plus, it sounds like you’ve never heard of such a thing as the ‘Air In Space’ Musuem. Duh!”
Journalist: “No, that’s insane. There’s something fundamentally wrong with you people! It’s—it’s simple physics that there’s no air in space, even I know that, and I’m a journalism major!”
Dr. Phudrukker: “Whatever, Mister 'liberal news media'. I’m the scientist here! I was appointed so! This press conference is over!”
At which point the conference certainly does end: Darkly armored U.M. soldiers roughly the size and shape of small Buicks start tossing members of the galactic press into air-locks, push the big red ‘Departure’ buttons, and wave good-bye. The hapless journalist float off into inky blackness, turning a lovely pale blue. “Huh. They must be holding their breath too long. They should really try to remember to breathe,” Phudrukker comments as he exits the room.