NationStates Jolt Archive

Official Press Release

The Holy Imperial Empire is proud to announce to the world today that over the past ten years we have been establishing non human breeding camps for the express purpose of selling slaves and are now ready to start the sale of slaves. The three camps constructed house approximately one hundred Kobolds each which were selectively bred from ten Kobolds presented to us by the blood moon goblins.

Our current stock of Kobolds were selectively bred and brought up to eliminate certain inherit flaws within there genealogy most notably there disobedience towards authority and their natural trickery and treachery. Through our breeding methods and programming programs we have eliminated or significantly retarded these unwelcome traits of the species.

We offer below information on Kobold physiology and ecology to help you decide whether you are interested in purchase:

Physiology: Kobolds stand just over two feet tale and weigh about forty pounds. They are physically weak but fast and agile and they thin and wiry allowing them to easily move about in tight quarters such as tunnels and mines.
Physically they resemble a lizard with some rat like qualities most notably the tail and their natural language which is a series of rat like yelps and squeaks. They are able to see in complete darkness however intense light will cause pain to their sensitive eyes.
Most possess below average intelligence with a few exceptional creatures possessing average.
Because of the reptilian heritage of the Kobold they do not give livebirths instead laying an egg which incubates for about two months after developing within the mother for two months. A healthy female can lay six eggs per year and can breed even into old age(males can also mate into old age.) The young Kobold fully matures within six years but can begin working as young as two. They are surprisingly long lived being able to live to over a hundred however their ability for manual labor declines dramatically once the creature reaches its sixties.
Kobolds are omnivores.

Psychology and Society- Kobolds are a tribal species which has been used to our advantage in training and programming the slaves. We assign color coded shock collars to packs of ten and any indiscretion by a single kobold within the pack the overseer is capable of punishing the entire pack via remote control. Though there is a "better you the me" mentality within the pack that sometimes can lead to attempted escapes of one or two kobolds which we have dealt with by killing the entire the pack upon recapture of the runaways.
They are exceptional miners due to the creatures small size and natural dexterity going where no human or machine could fit. This is the primary non breeding use for them within the Empire.
Kobolds were and too some extent still are a polytheist society we have managed to destroy much the paganism within their culture but Imperial overseers have removed much of it(esspically in the younger generations) and showed them their place within the world as nothing better then slaves.

Ecology- Kobolds favor caves as their primary habitat and prefer the darkness to the light leading them to be very industrious miners and will no doubt be an asset to any country, organization or person who wishes to use slaves for that very purpose. However in order to keep them in line the Empire reccomends they be kept in open air camps which are kept perpetually lit to keep the slaves confused and in slight discomfort.


Sales- As of now we are currently taking orders for Kobolds and our breeding quotas for this year will be based on the amount of orders placed. Please keep in mind the final deliveries for most orders won't take place for at least two years time to allow the slaves to properely develop and be trained. If you have any special requests based on gender or wish to purchase families as a whole don't hesitate to ask and we will attempt to accommodate your wishes.

The price per Kobold is currently 5,000 per head but bulk orders will be given discounts.

tag post to come

*uses jedi mind trick* you shall all make purchases. :D

Kobolds? how about something more able to fill our stables. And I don't mean horses, though there are people that kinky.

bump.

And Vas I have no idea how to respond to that...

OIS Senior Intelligence Officer Ronald Valard thought his head was going to pop from the sheer contradictions of the situation…

He picked the phone up off of his desk.

“I need to speak to Sub-Commander Bernard…yes I’m aware its his “me” time. ..just put him on the damn phone!”

After listening to several minutes of Hanger 18 while he was holding, Valard heard Bernard answer the phone…well, he would have, if he wasn’t signing.

“This is Bernard, go ahead.” The voice somewhat dry and raspy, as if returning form very strenuous activity

And the response

Foreign life forms inventory
Suspended state of cryogenics
Selective amnesia's the story

“Valard, is that you?” asked Bernard

Believed foretold but who'd suspect
the military Intelligence

“VALARD!”

Two words combined that can't make sense—oh shit SIR!”

“What the hell do you want Valard, someone put ink on your office chair again?”

“No, sir, we’ve got a problem.”

“Well, what is it?” asked Bernard angrily, he didn’t like be interrupted during “me” time

“Well, it seem we have a problem…someone is selling slaves.”

“Godamnit Valard, we have protocol books for this, Directorate protocol 1879-002 alpha-gamma sub-section 90 paragraph 45c clearly states…that slaves are to be purchased with the money set aside for the allocation of slaves in the government budget for the office of internal security…. that’s us, Valard, incase you forgot.” Bernard cleared his throat, coughed again, and continued. “Then, we’re to in process them, liberate them…offer them citizenship or transport to a nation of their choice”

“Sir, I know…but…Synod protocol, as well as the Book of Order for the Church of God’s Will…the governing body of this nation, as well as OIS under-the-table SOP, when pertaining to non-humans says we’re, in short “supposed to avoid them like the plague, and not touch them, even with 10 foot polls….” Stated Valard

“…and?” asked Bernard.

“The slaves in question are non-human.” Stated Valard

“Well…obviously we have to…ummm….fuck…” stammered Bernard.

“What do I do sir?” asked Valard…sound like a 5 year old asking his mother for directions

“Um…I don’t know…I’m going to have to bounce this up the chain.” He said.

And so he did, he passed it to the sub-commander of Internal Affairs, number two man in the OIS….who was also quite perplexed by the problem.

“Umm…Bernard…get your man and get up here….we’re going to have to take this to Director-General Davis.”

The men entered the office of Director-General Davis, commander of the Office of Internal security, unarguably, the ultimate power within the nation, and the guiding light for the religious government. Hey explain the vexing situation…and when they finished, Davis leaned back in his chair….

“……I don’t know….” He leaned forward and pressed the intercom button

“Yes, get me the Executer, we’ve got an emergency.”

Shortly afterward, the OIS officers filed into the room, where the Synod had connived for its emergency session, the ruling religious council of the nation, headed up by Executer Viki Hessian, who held absolute authority, even over the OIS. The men again presented the problem…and received the same bewildered looks as before.

Then the debating on what to do started…

Several hours later, the only thing that had been accomplished was that they would be ordering Chinese for dinner that night…a dinner time which had come and gone during the intense debates.

After several mores hours, there was a break through….

“Umm…why don’t we just buy some of the slaves…. contract a foreign merchant company to handle the transport…. sabotage the shit…then make the company reimburse us for the lost goods? Said one of the Synod members. “Can the OIS handle that?”

Davis stroked his chin and thought….”Yes…we can….that’s brilliant. But who’s the fall guy?”

The Executer piped up “I think I know…. someone get a phonebook and find me a shipping company in that atheist country east of us…Nailiak, oh, and don’t tell them what they’re handling”

And so it was done…

Says alter; an electronic communiqué would arrive on the desk of whom it may concern. It would request the purchase of 5,000…Kobolds… be prepared. For ease of our customs agents, we asked that they be sedated and packed into shipping crates…due to internal unrest, we ask that these crates me mislabeled as “Lizard Meat”. It stated that the Mongolia South shipping company, out of Nailiak, would be handling the transport. If accepted, the ships would arrive carrying the vouchers for the money….


Sadly, the ship, the NMS Treehugger would suffer from a break in the hull\ below deck. No one was killed, but the cargo was reported as “lost at sea.”

OOC: Obviously meant for humor value…anyone declares war on me for this…there’ll be hell to pay….

lol. do you want to buy any kobolds?

Maybe we should buy some of these some of these creatures. I shall use them for service in my growing army :sniper: .

how many do you wish to purchase?

We request 500,000 please. Your service would be appreciated.

That is an extremely large order and would take well over 3 decades to fill. At most we would be able to sell 500-1000 a year at current production rates.

Very well then, I'll take 500 and breed them myself. They'll make an excellent addition to my army.

The total price comes to 2.5 million the Kobolds will be shipped within a year and a half once production quotas are met.

OOC: Belem, you crazed warmonger you. XD

OOC: Belem, you crazed warmonger you. XD

:D

The total price comes to 2.5 million the Kobolds will be shipped within a year and a half once production quotas are met.
It was a pleasure doing business with you.

I would like to buy 240 Kobolds to start a Kobold Slave basketball league. Thank you. I will pay extra if you train them to play basketball before transfer.

Order approved for the 240 Kobolds. total comes to 1.2 million. Expect full shipment within 1.5 to 2 years. We will provide them with training on the fundamentals of basketball.

OOC:
Err...not to nitpick but Kobolds are mammals, at least the ones I sold you, theyre definitly ratlike though, perhaps doglike.
I usualy think of them as similar to the ones in Die by the Sword, if youve ever played it. Short and blue, with little red eyes.
Ah well, maybe yours mutated or something :P

A malnourished little boy drops the letter into one of Belem's federal mail bins. His story ends elsewhere, beyond the little alley he disappears into just moments after delivering the letter.

The letter is slightly larger than standard size, and seems to be made of a material somewhat tougher than paper. Upon it, in a flowing and hand-written script, the following words have been inscribed:

"I am curious," it states, "to what purpose these kobolds would be placed. They seem such... easily broken toys that it hardly seems worth the effort to transport them to the place of their death. However, you have piqued my curiosity. I would like to acquire a small number of these creatures, no more than a handful. For these you cannot be paid, but I am sure we can reach... other arrangements. Please feel free to speak into the skies: we are watching you."

The letter is not signed, but bears a simple crest of a stylized eye.

In the bowels of an unnamed Bio-Sciences Division facility, Dr. Mortimer Logan read the press release on a large plasma monitor. The Division kept close tabs on those who marketed in slaves. Increased interference from the Ministry of Justice was making it harder to gather test subjects discreetly on home soil.

"Dr. Romero!" Logan called. "Take a look at this. Kobolds." Dr. Romero's eyes flared, but Dr. Logan continued. "We don't have any kobold samples. I'd like to buy a few. I think I'm going to bring it up with the Budget Committee."

"You do that," Romero fumed, "and I'll strangle every one of them."

Logan was puzzled. "What's the problem with kobolds?"

"Five years ago, when I was living in Belem, my wife had a baby girl. It came as a surprise, but we were happy...happy!" He seemed close to tears. "And do you know what happened?"

Logan shook his head, confused.

Romero shouted, "Kobolds ate my baby!"

After a brief, awkward pause, Logan muttered some condolences and left the room. Alone, Romero grumbled about someone named "King Torg."

Three hours later, the following message was faxed to Belem:

ATTN Holy Imperial Empire of Belem
Kobolds Division
FROM Ximean Ministry of Science and Technology
Bio-Sciences Division

We request 200 healthy kobolds of prime age, 100 male, 100 female. Upon confirmation of our order, we will dispatch a nondescript freighter to receive them at one of your ports. Our ship will radio you before entering your territorial waters.

OOC:
Err...not to nitpick but Kobolds are mammals, at least the ones I sold you, theyre definitly ratlike though, perhaps doglike.
I usualy think of them as similar to the ones in Die by the Sword, if youve ever played it. Short and blue, with little red eyes.
Ah well, maybe yours mutated or something :P


OOC: ah. ok. I was using the monstrous manual for Dungeons and Dragons 2nd edition for the description. Just say we got a strange genetic defect in the race.

A malnourished little boy drops the letter into one of Belem's federal mail bins. His story ends elsewhere, beyond the little alley he disappears into just moments after delivering the letter.

The letter is slightly larger than standard size, and seems to be made of a material somewhat tougher than paper. Upon it, in a flowing and hand-written script, the following words have been inscribed:

"I am curious," it states, "to what purpose these kobolds would be placed. They seem such... easily broken toys that it hardly seems worth the effort to transport them to the place of their death. However, you have piqued my curiosity. I would like to acquire a small number of these creatures, no more than a handful. For these you cannot be paid, but I am sure we can reach... other arrangements. Please feel free to speak into the skies: we are watching you."

The letter is not signed, but bears a simple crest of a stylized eye.

Transmission to directed over Belem Air Space:

Attention to the "Order of the Eye" we are interested in the possibilities of conducting a business deal with your organization however we wish to know what you have to offer as payment.

In the bowels of an unnamed Bio-Sciences Division facility, Dr. Mortimer Logan read the press release on a large plasma monitor. The Division kept close tabs on those who marketed in slaves. Increased interference from the Ministry of Justice was making it harder to gather test subjects discreetly on home soil.

"Dr. Romero!" Logan called. "Take a look at this. Kobolds." Dr. Romero's eyes flared, but Dr. Logan continued. "We don't have any kobold samples. I'd like to buy a few. I think I'm going to bring it up with the Budget Committee."

"You do that," Romero fumed, "and I'll strangle every one of them."

Logan was puzzled. "What's the problem with kobolds?"

"Five years ago, when I was living in Belem, my wife had a baby girl. It came as a surprise, but we were happy...happy!" He seemed close to tears. "And do you know what happened?"

Logan shook his head, confused.

Romero shouted, "Kobolds ate my baby!"

After a brief, awkward pause, Logan muttered some condolences and left the room. Alone, Romero grumbled about someone named "King Torg."

Three hours later, the following message was faxed to Belem:

ATTN Holy Imperial Empire of Belem
Kobolds Division
FROM Ximean Ministry of Science and Technology
Bio-Sciences Division

We request 200 healthy kobolds of prime age, 100 male, 100 female. Upon confirmation of our order, we will dispatch a nondescript freighter to receive them at one of your ports. Our ship will radio you before entering your territorial waters.

Transmission to Ximean Ministry of Science and Technology-Bio Sciences Division

We have received your order and the Kobolds shall be ready within six months. The total cost will come to 1 million dollars. The empire thanks you for your business.