NationStates Jolt Archive

NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH!
From Associated Press
At 2:12 PM this afternoon, reports began coming in that forces of the Royal Arpwat First and Second Legion Air Corps began bombing targets within the Republic of Syncanor. There are unconfirmed reports that mechanized infantry units from those legions have swept through the northern and southern passes into Syncanor.
The Arpwat Office of Misinformation, Confusion, and Press Releases has refused comment on reports that the Embassy of the Republic of Syncanor in Huolt has been raided and the staff arrested.
Communications between Arpwat and Syncanor have been distrupted and we have no information on the situation within Syncanor. When more information becomes...zzz...asr...

WARINING! THE ROYAL ARPWAT OFFICE OF SUPRESSION HAS TERMINATED THIS FEED. PLEASE CONTACT THE OFFICE OF MISINFORMATION, CONFUSION, AND PRESS RELEASES FOR MORE INFORMATION.

The Speaker of the People's Council of The Most Serene Republic of Syncanor, Ravenfeather Oakenbow, announced today that her nation was under dreadful attack by the forces of the Grand Duchy of Arpwat.
"We are a peaceful nation, and we have been cruelly invaded by these unhappy people in Arpwat. We will dispatch our conflict resolution squads to negotiate immediately with the invaders.
In the mean time, if our neighbors in the Realms want to help out, we'd really appreciate it!"

VOLUNTARY MILITARY ENDEAVOUR ANNOUNCED

The Grand Duchy of the Occupied Tyrol hereby announced that the population of our nation has been so enthralled (with minimal prompting from our corner-post loudspeakers, we might add) with the military affairs of the Arpwati, that a volunteer legion, the Legion Bussard has been formed and is being dispatched to Arpwat to be despatched in the campaign in Syncanor! The legion has has been built into two air units, one fighter and one bomber, and four armoured infantry regiments. The brilliant aeroplane designer Willi Essenschpuch has given us a great military edge to provide to the Arwapti: the Essenspuch BS-109! Our armoured vehicles such as the Panzerverderbener I also offers all the military knowledge we have accumulated after learning wonders from our romantic occupiers, the bloody Romans, who have also taught us about aqueducts, public works, roads, health care, wine, BUT NOTHING ELSE!

Enjoy, Utilise, Destroy

(somebody else, that is)

BERGMARSCHALL PETER RITTER VON STEIN DES ROMSTUHL UND ANTIOK

The Office of Misinformation, Confusion, and Press Releases has announced this evening that the First and Second Royal Arpwat Legions have penetrated deep into the Republic of Syncanor. The Tyrolese expeditionary force has landed on the southeastern coast of the Republic and is pressing rapidly northward.
Resistance to our glorious force for the imposition of proper despotic government has been minimal. The First Legion has engaged and destroyed the Syncanorian Conflict Resolution Team and has pressed its advance through the northern forests of Syncanor toward Frijbourg, capital of the liberal basition of Syncanor.
Arpwat calls upon the rebellious liberals of Syncanor to surrender. Any local governors and towns who surrender to the Arpwati Legions will be granted favorable status under the new order.

GRAND MILITARY OFFENSIVE

The following radio address was made on Radio Free Syncanor, "Dedicated to making sure radio is free, and the media isn't for Three Generations."

The amphibious landings on the Syncanori coast, known to us as "Fall Zerquetschen die Wegschneken" has suceeded wildly! Despite the fact that our own nation is occupied by such scum as the Roman Occupying Army Group of Adige (but please don't tell them we said that, come on, we don't squeal on you guys, do we? They're nice enough, I suppose, but, anyway...) we have absolutely crushed all opposition in our way. The fact we made a two-day journey across the Southern Sea in a few minutes just before we declared war (have we yet? I forget... oh that's right, we're volunteers) should amaze the world, let alone the speed of our advance! We have crushed some of the best units of the Syncanor Artist's and Philosopher's League. The Hemp Brigade of the Gruene Hex Village in Neuwe Amsterdam gave us a bit of a problem: they could not remember how to sign their names for the surrender and found everything bloody hillarious - so we shot them all. Stupid buggers... Regardless, we are advancing quicker than the average Syncanori mind can process it, and we owe it all to our supreme military super-men! (And their pathetic, pathetic efforts.)

Further updates shall follow from my camp as I deem them necessary, or too bleeding funny not to share,

BERGMARSCHALL PETER RITTER VON STEIN DES ROMSTUHL UND ANTIOK
Director, Volunteer Expedition Force

http://www.geocities.com/rdmauriello/mypics/TheRealmsWarMap.jpg

The war as it unfolds!

From the Associated Press, Frijbourg office.
There is panic in the streets of the Free City of Frijbourg as the forces of Arpwat and the Tyrol press toward the city. It appears that the People's Council has collapsed. Ravenfeather Oakenbow, late the speaker of the Council is nowhere to be found. Syncanor's army, the Crisis Resolution Team, has suffered defeat after defeat.
Aldershot Wemblydale, the assistant minister for the arts, the highest ranking government official who we could find issued this statement before running away:
"HELP!!! We're Scandinavian Liberals, we don't know how to fight! Won't anybody in the Realms help us? Please!"

As regards the disposition of the Dominion of Nouveau Canuckistan to the crisis in Syncanor: we have no opinion. Even if we did, I doubt that we'd know what to do with it. We do not wish to be flooded with any refugess, and if we can find the Canuckistani Army (Last known sighting at the Battle of Tim Hortons) we will employ him. Until then, be assured that the border is being protected from those without two forms of valid identification and at least $500 Canuckistani (4.03 Tyrolean Coal Chunks at last note), and from anyone bearing malice or firearms, but probably not those with both simoultaneously. Besides Customs Canuckistan, the Royal Nouveau Canuckistani Kilted Yaksmen shall continue their grave wanderings through our nations most odourous forests, fighting off those who threaten our nation (and make good on it).

Military Affairs Commission
Colonel Geoff Airie de Rist-Limpe

NEWS FLASH

FRIJBOURG, SYNCANOR

Ministry of External Affairs
Military Affairs Board
Lieutenant-Colonel Garçon de Nansi

It has been declared that the Free City of Frijbourg beleives itself to have collapsed. In two seperate incidents, citizens began to surrender to themselves, each other, and some inanimate objects, as well as two of our beloved RNCKY who were on site, as described below.


First Incident: When it was loudly exclaimed that a certain Guillaume Clonton, a well known politician, "never thought it would collapse," it was taken by an over-strung media in the wrong sense, and millions of Frijbourgers began to surrender to anything. The city is on edge, to say the least. M. Clonton is still debating the meaning of "would," whereas, "it" has since been identified.

Second Incident: Following a dirt vein discovered in our own land, two Royal Nouveau Canuckistani Kilted Yaksmen encountered the population of Gehirnebbe who assaulted them. A crack team of Syncanori Philosopher Storm Troops decended on the be-skirted "men" with a barrage of queries, Syncanor's most deadly weapon. Upon surviving a debate regarding if being invaded was proof of the failures of Material Hegelian Dialectic, The RNCKY killed the annoying troops, and entered Gehirnebbe. Finding the population mentally incapable of understanding victory, a concept not known to the Syncanori, and vaguely comprehended by Canuckistanis, the two left the town. This event was simoultaneous with the collapse of M. Clonton, and roughly two thirds the membership of the Syncanori Chess Team and Forensics Club Division have surrendered.

The problem:

This leaves Nouveau Canuckistan in a bind. Would anyone like to purchase some Syncanori? How about Frijbourg? We've never conquered anywhere, and we don't feel comfortable doing it, so please, please help us out, won't you be a dear?

A detachment from the Arpwat First Legion entered the Syncanorian village of Gehirnebbe today and encountered a pair of Royal Nouveau Canuckistani Kilted Yaksmen in charge. The officer on the spot, Colonel Fritz von Fitz, mistook them for the fearsome Syncanorian Transvestite Slapper Squad, and had them shot. Panic ensued, and the Arpwati detachment ended up shelling the village into small bits.

In other news, the main body of the Arpwat First and Second Legions linked up just south of Frijbourg and have begun shelling the city. Reports indicate that the famous railway cannon "Gigantic Gus" has been brought out of retirement for the campaign. Arpwati Second Legion Air Corps "Rampaging Pigeon" strategic bombers have been bombing targets all over Syncanor.
A UN representative was aghast as a shell from Gigantic Gus shot the steeple of the Frijbourg Ecumenical Interfaith Place of Worship. "We can't have people targeting religious institutions! That's sacred ground!" He said.

A panicked Syncanorian was overheard mumbling "It seems like they're just shelling and bombing us for the fun of it! It's not like we can fight back!"

General I. "Rip" Heartz, of the Royal Arpwat High Command, in charge of this expedition, said "We are appalled by the devastation and loss of life in Syncanor, but we can't find anyone who represents the government to accept a surrender, and we won't cease our campaign until we are guaranteed of an unconditional surrender. If the Syncanorians are so stubborn as to hold out against us, we will fight to the last."

Ministry of External Affairs
Military Affairs Board
Press Conference - Kweebec, Ontarioh
Lieutenant-Colonel Garçon de Nansi

In response to the killing of our beloved Royal Nouveau Canuckistani Kilted Yaksmen by the troops of Arpwat, the Royal Canuckistani Government wishes to announce the following:

1. We feel sad, hurt, and a little confused at the moment, but we have a great network of friends and compatriots, and we shall overcome our adverities.

2. We shall also miss RNCKY Sergeant Major Gus "RiNCKY-DINK" Dip-Maird, his companion and adopted children shall surely miss him as well. We shall also miss W.O. 68th Class Yves Fildune Putan; if he knew who his parents were they would surely miss him as well.

3. The Syncanorian Transvestite Slapper Squads have been spotted by our "Grey Goose Gimlet" spy aircraft: we mistook them for women, but are now corrected. To this end, we would ask the female (and not the male) population of our still-as-of-yet Syncanori neighbours to please shave their legs and comb their hair - the "natural" look can create military disasters, don't you know.

4. Should no-one be found to surrender for Syncanor, our Ministrie des Francophones has offered to do so; they are out of practice by a few months, but should be able to surrender effeciently for any party.

5. We still have had no sighting of the Canuckistani Army. Should we find him we'll let you know.

We also wish to announce that we will be boycotting the Olympics this year due to many reasons:

a. The war is making things too interesting to leave our television sets.

b. Our currency, the Dirt Clump, is officially used as fertiliser now, having been unofficially replaced by Stan Rogers folk songs on the common market.

c. We haven't yet paid our snow bill, so the winter sports are out, and we can't participate in the basketball competition because we haven't the balls.

d. Red Green is scheduled to be on at the same time of day.

Thank you.
Lieutenant-Colonel Garçon de Nansi

A spokesman for the Office of Misinformation, Confusion, and Press Releases made the following announcement today.

"In a previous dispatch from this office, it was implied that 'Gigantic Gus' has been hauled out of retirement to be used in the war against Syncanor. This was an error. Gigantic Gus is still enshrined in the Royal Arpwat Legionaire's Museum. The railway cannon being used at the front is 'Monsterous Max', a gun built new for this campaign. The individual responsible for this error has been sentenced to 97 years in the Ducal Prison.

Second, we wish to say that we are very sorry about the misunderstanding regarding the RNCKYs who were accidentally killed in Gehirnebbe. It was the hairy legs, you know. To avoid further difficulties, all Nouveau Canuckistani citizens should endeavor to remain on their side of the border, which should not be so difficult, considering that the border is a very large mountain range.

Third, we appreciate the offer for the Nouveau Canuckistani Ministrie des Francophones to surrender on behalf of the Syncanorian government, but we will still hold out hope that we can find an actual Syncanorian to surrender to us. After all, we still have a few hundred shells for Monsterous Max!

Finally, we must strenuously object to the panicked Syncanorian's assertion that we are shelling targets in Syncanor just because we enjoy watching things blow up. While this is indeed a factor, there are serious strategic considerations involved in our campaign. We will not discuss them because of operational security concerns, but the world can rest assured that our military is not merely enjoying the thunder of the big guns."

http://www.geocities.com/rdmauriello/mypics/TheRealmsWarMap2.jpg

Ministry of External Affairs
Military Affairs Board
Brief - Kweebec, Ontarioh
Lieutenant-Colonel Garçon de Nansi

We accept the apologies of our southern friends pertaining to the accident with our RNCKY men. We shall from here forth have the uniforms changed to a bright pink (not an orange tone, more of a salmon) kilt and nice white jackshirt so that they will stand out and not be mistaken for women or targets for your militaries.

Lieutenant-Colonel Garçon de Nansi

News Flash!
Syncanor Surrenders to Arpwat! War is Over in Three Days!

Arpwati forces recieved the surrender of the Republic of Syncanor from Pete Laupin, the former janitor of the Syncanorian People's Council Chambers. Mr. Laupin was the only person who could be found who would admit to having worked for the government of Syncanor. This was judged sufficent to allow Mr. Laupin to sign the unconditional surrender.
His Benevolent Malevolence, His Grace, The Grand Duke Jacob of Arpwat will be crowned Protector of Syncanor by the Grand Hierophant of the Realms of Syncanor tomorrow morning at the Temple of Uber-Lant Archon of Dreams, the tutelary diety of Syncanor, in the Royal City of Huolt. This very symbolic move is intended to represent the Grand Duke's desire to rule Syncanor with justice and in keeping with the ways of the Archons, which modern Syncanor has forsaken.
Henceforth, the Grand Duke's full style will be His Benevolent Malevolence, His Grace, The Grand Duke Jacob of Arpwat, Protector of Syncanor and Guardian of the Cyric Circle of the Archons.
Preliminary negotiations for the territorial partition of Syncanor are under way with the Occupied Tyrol.

The Syncanor Popular Liberation Front will never give up the fight to free Syncanor from the oppressive tyranny of the hated Arpwati and Tyrolian occupiers!

The Popular Front for the Liberation of Syncanor will never rest until all the Arpwati and Tyrolian barbarians have been driven from our beloved land!
And we'll succeed before those fools from the SPLF do!

Office of Occupation Management
Rumodulopoli, Italy
(Kneckte-des-Italienern-Stadt, Tirol)

Our glorious troops are marching through the streets of what were the southern regions of Syncanor! We have occupied the various communes and organised them into effecient, productive, contained, and fiercely ruled cities!

It's nice to occupy something for once besides an aeroplane lavatory.

Ike Eigedich
Minister, External Affairs