NationStates Jolt Archive

An Admiral sits alone in an overly-large chair in a nicely-decorated room. He watches out of a large window that sees almost all ocean, except for an island in the distance. Bernardi. The Admiral is in one battleship of a fleet of battleships, aircraft carriers, submarines, troop transports, and many other oceancraft. They have been waiting a long time for this day to come. In the total array of military equipment now being focussed on Bernardi are:
-12 nuclear satellites
-50 spacecraft ready for orbital bombardment
-50 million soldiers that are on the 5 000 troop transports (which are larger than cruise ships
-On these troop transports there is 1 tank for every 20 soldiers and 1 hummer for every 10. There is also a large array of mortars and such
-For every 1 of the 2 500 aircraft carriers, there are 5 bombers, 25 fighters, and at least 20 guns pointed at Bernardi
-500 nuclear submarines
-1 000 battleships
-and possibly an array of ninjas...

This is only about half of Jessoria's military.

The fleet encircles Bernardi, and declares a blockade. A 7 year old boy is sent to swim across at least a kilometre of ocean to deliver a message to the Queen of Bernardi:

"Oh Queen of Bernardi,
I am a humble slave boy. Please feed me."

The slave boy had another message to deliver

"Surrender or die. One condition though; I can't attack you without permission of the Controller of The New Darkmentian Empire. Although, if you attack me, I will have to kick your...butt. You are under blockade and cannot import or export and soon your nation willl collapse. Have a good day."

-The Emperor of Jessoria

With an official command from the controller, the war has begun. The leader of Wudrick organizes his small, but powerful navy. Big ships are standing by with torpedos, while smaller ones move in to "accidently" drop their loads of uranium off the coast of Bernardi. TO THE EMPIRE!

Insulted by Bernardi's casual flippant responses to the delcaration of war, the Controller of the New Darkmentian Empire sits in his throne and twiddles his thumbs. He's reading a biography of his favourite politician: Cos Palpatine.

An accurate observer would note that on the Controller's bookshelf sat one of Palpatine's own works: the three-volume 'Dark Side Compendium', which consists of
Vol. 1: The Book of Anger
Vol. 2: The Weakness of Inferiors
Vol. 3: The Creation of Monsters
It is from this second volume that we quote the Emperor's first three (out of five) tenants, which the Controller has taken to heart:
1) ALL POWER COMES FROM OUTSIDE THE WEAK. The weak have NEVER been known to believe in themselves, or in their ability to wield power.
2) THE FACE OF AUTHORITY. The weak live as in a dream. All their thoughts, actions and urges are governed by the face and voice which controls this dream. The face and voice they have learned to obey. The face and voice of AUTHORITY.
3)THE LAW OF FEAR. A consequence of the first two tenants, is that the weak live in FEAR. The mere SUGGESTION OF VIOLENCE from one in authority is enough to inspire their obedience. How can one who doesn't believe in one's pwn powers stand against the power of another? It is impossible.

These three tenants mull about in the Controller's mind, until he finally decides to signal his twenty suborindate nations, and give them permission to attack.
'That ought to keep Jessoria happy,' he thinks to himself.
After giving the matter some more thought, he decides to issue Bernardi an ultimatum before wiping her putrid nation off the face of the planet.
:D

Meanwhile...

UNBEKNOWNST TO THE QUEEN OF BERNARDI, BUT KNOWNST TO US, THE PRINCESS OF BERNARDI HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED AND TAKEN ABOARD ONE OF THE DARKMENTIAN ORBITAL NUCLEAR WEAPONS PLATFORMS....

***
The door slid aside, and the Princess entered, flanked by two guards.
"I am-" began General Nikrat, head of operations on the orbiting battle station,
"I know who you are," spat the Princess, "You are General Nikrat. I should have recognised your foul stench when I was brought on board."
Nikrat sighed. "Before your execution, Princess, I would like you to be present at a ceremony which will make this new NUCLEAR space station operational. Since you have proven reluctant to reveal the location of the Bernardi military bases, I have decided to test this station's destructive power on your home town, the capital city of Bernardi itself."
"No! You can't! I have not given you the military base location because there ARE no military bases! Bernardi is peaceful, you cannot bomb our capital..."
Nikrat's eyes gleamed. "If you have another target, a military target, then NAME THE CO-ORDINATES!" He looked her in the eyes. "I grow tired of asking, so it'll be the last time...WHERE are the Bernardi bases?"
The Princess looked plaintively at the viewing screen. "Gill Island." she said at last. "42 degrees east, 47 degress north. They're on Gill Island."
Nikrat smiled. "There, you see? You can be reasonable!" He turned to an officer standing at a station across the room. "Continue with the operation, you may fire when ready!"
"WHAT!" screamed the Princess.
"Do you think me an idiot? There is nothing at the co-ordinates you describe! They aren't even in the same region as Bernardi!" explained Nikrat. "But don't worry, we'll deal with your military friends soon enough!
***
Meanwhile, done in the actual firing control room of the station, two lower level gunners have just returned from their lunch break to find the new attack orders sitting on their consoles.
"Hmm, new attack orders?" said one.
"Aye," replied the other.
"Better get about with the firing then shouldn't we?"
"Well, we'd have to won't we?"
"I suppose. If you enjoy that sort of thing."
With a casual nod to each other, they pulled the levers and flipped the switches necessary to send the powerful nuclear payload of the station hurtling towards Bernardi.
Sometime later, after the consuming of a much need bag of Cheetoes, the first turned to the second and said,
"So, seen the new Star Wars yet?"
:D

General Electric of the Jessoria Space Weapons Associaton has grown tired of keeping Bernardi in blockade, so with the nod of The Emperor, he sends telegrams to all generals of the Jessoria Army that state:
"Unleash Hell...but be sure to keep hte leash with you, he can get out of control."

And so, all of Jessoria's army that is surrounding Bernardi attacks with all of its might. Millions of soldiers pour onto Bernardi's shores; ships of all kinds start attacking; nuclear missiles shatter all of Bernardi's cities, and all hell breaks loose. Bernardi is in ruins. The Emperor Smiles.

Because of the recent "boat accidents" that have ever so dreadfully occured to Wudrick's Uranium Freighters, Bernardi's water supply is now contaminated with radioactive material. If the country's citizens do not die of thirst, they will certainly die of radiation poisoning.
"Have a nice day..."-Leader of Wudrick :)

"I think not!" cries Queen B. Suddenly the Knights of Bernardi rush forth from the massive castle where the queen can survey all her land and subjects.

As the battle wages the queen writes a quick TG to Semmes of SPASTIC COLON. His troops are at the ready and with a quick wave of his middle finger he deploys his might on the pitious troops of Wudrick, Jessoria, and New Darkmentia already beginning to fail in their feeble attempt to conquer Bernardi. Although the outer wall of the outer moat which surrounds the outer-outer limits of the heart of Bernardi appear to be in ruins, it is of no consequence to Queen B., she knows the believability of the holographic destruction matrix.

Queen B. smiles to herself as she realizes the decoy princess she put up for the New Darkmentian plot has been caught in a plebian parody of Star Wars. Luckily, Bernardi has no princesses and the prince, at only four years old, has been flown to an allied nation within the 42HHG.

As the regal figure spies some spies creeping up the beaches of Bernardi, she turns to one of her loyal genu-flexers and orders the anti-radiation anti-water contamination antidote to be unleashed. Again she smirks to herself thinking of how unsuspecting the sailors of Wudrick were while her chemists performed experiments on all the Uranium Freighters they sunk near the shores of Wudrick.

The royal leader of Bernardi now turns her sights skyward to the sky. To her amazement the blueness of the spaciousness above is filled with the entrails of Jessoria's spacecraft plummetting as Bernardi's obviously superior space program annihilates the twelve nuclear satellites and fifty spacecraft ready for orbital bombardment.

As the queen yet again relaxes on her throne, she composes the "thank-you" letter to Semmes in her mind and ponders the fate of the next moron to cross her path.

Enraged at arriving late to the battle, The Dark Lord Semmes rains destruction on the dogs of Darkmentian. Only when the very core of the land is melted can his counsels pull him away. "Destroy the escape pods" he orders. " Knock their moon out of orbit and send it into the planet." He orders no more mention of the now defeated people. " Strike their name and language from the record."

:D The Controller of New Darkmentia sits in his inner sanctume awaiting news of the war. He had earlier made the decision not to launch his own troops, but to let Jessoria's troops die horribly, while his troops stayed at home and procreated.
He had also decided that orbital nuclear bombardment would be sufficient to wipe out the Bernardi resistance with one swift stroke.
****
SEVERAL MONTHS LATER... :headbang:
While sitting at home filing his nails, the Controller's peace is interrupted by a General bursting into the room.
"How dare you burst into my room like that, General Roombursterinner!"
"I'm sorry sir, but there appears to be bad news from the front!!"
"Bad news from the front?""
"Yes, bad news from the front!"
"But how is that possible?"
"Quite simple, really."
"How so?"
"Well, the war is going badly..."
"But how is that possible?"
"Well, with the help of her many knights, and with the help of her ally nations, The Queen of Bernardi has wiped out Jessoria's troops and spacefleet..."
"Mmm-hmm. Well, that was only to be expected. I care not for Jessorian deaths and regard their soldiers as useless cannon fodder. What of Wudrick's uranium?"
"Hmm, yes. Well, Bernardi has signed a lucrative water trade deal with SPASTIC COLON, and thus will not have to drink the contaminated water..."
"Yes, I told Wudrick that he should of had a more aggressive plan...oh, well, whatcha gonna do? And anyways, theres no way that they could've survived our orbital nuclear assault...."
"Um, yeah....they survived it, I believe."
"WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY?"
"I said they survived the nuclear assault, I believe."
"WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY? YOUR EYES HAVE BEEN RETRIEVED?"
"No, they survived the nuclear assault, I believe."
"WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY? YOU MADE APPLE PIE? MMMMMMM, APPLE PIE....." :eek:
"No, they survived the nuclear assault!"
"But that is impossible!"
"Yes, well, one of their well place and clearly anachronistic missile defense bases intercepted the nuclear strike and exploded it harmlessly above the Sea of Japan."
"ARRRGH! No matter. What of the Princess? We shall simply threaten to kill her. Then Bernardi is sure to surrender."
"Ummm, yeah. The princess was a decoy."
"WHAT!!!!"
And so on....
***
SEVERAL HOURS LATER....
The Controller had calmed down a bit. He turned to General Roombursterinner.
"General Roombursterinner!"
"Yes, sir?"
"Is the New Darkmentian Orbital Nuclear Platform still intact?"
"Yes, sir."
"Move it out of missile range and hide it until we need it most. No need for a squadron of starfighters to exploit the stations only weakness: a small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port."
"Yes, sir."
"Where are the Darkmentian troops?"
"At home sir. You decided to send the Jessorians in first, to facillitate their slaughter."
"Ah, yes. Well. I suggest we turn the tide of the war. General?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Begin landing your troops. Wipe them out...ALL of them!"
***
Being only two in an army of over 500 million, Sergeant Bob Robert Robertson and Colonel Dave David Davidson felt slightly insignificant next to the awesome power of the Imperial Darkmentian war machine. They were both sitting in a troop transprt awaiting deployment.
Bob coughed.
"So, you seen the new Star Wars movie?"
:sniper: :gundge: :mp5:

:cool:
Although the Emperor of Jessoria is a bloodythirsty mongrel, he doesn't like to hear news of any wars until they're either over or at a point where his life is in danger. Since there is a war going on, he took a break to some remote island where he can watch kittens kill each other for food. He was in the middle of a kitten-blood martini wacthing a kitten-fight when a seven-year old barefoot slave boy came running up to with with a telegram that stated:

"Your troops are getting slaughtered M'Lord. If I may suggest an alternate idea that will be more efficient than just sending your troops in and bombarding the country. We must execute 66 Redro. With your permission, I will get the prototypes ready and send them to our factories for mass-production.

Respectfully,

General Motors and General Electric."

"Hmm" the Emperor thought to himself, "this is a pickle." he said as he picked up a pickled cucumber. "and this is a dead kitten." he said as he picked up a dead kitten. His advisor, Theonewithnograymatter, insisted that he should stop playing with his food and send out an order.

"Yes." said the Emperor, "I am rather peckish. Oh slave boy! Pick us up twenty dead kittens please!"

"No no no my lord! You need to..."

"SAY MY NAME IS CAPITAL LETTERS!"

"Fine. No no no My Lord! You need to give an order stated in the telegram!"

"Oh right. Slave boy! Oh thank you, those dead kittens look delicious. Anyways. GO AND FETCH ME SOME PAPER, A PEN, AND A VIDEO CAMERA!"

SEVERAL MINUTES LATER...

The Slave Boy returned with the requested item. Since the Emperor had just been swimming, he had a towel over his head; a black towel. He stood in front of the video camera who's lens just so happened to be accidentally covered in a light blue film. He had a sore throat so his voice sounded somewhat choppy, but Doctor Pepper was on his way to check that out. The Emperor stood in front of the video camera and said,

"Execute 66 Redro."
;)

General George stared at a damage report. "Wow. Magical Anitidotes that can instantly clean up radiation... I'm impressed. Woah, now they're sinking freighters in our harbours, how creative :rolleyes: . Troops plundered... ...what? Did I say that any troops were anywhere near that island. Sure, maybe sailors on ships that are barely within the Bernardi borders but troops? Heavens to Betsy, what a dreadful idea. :eek: "
"The water is contaminated sir and chemists are using sunken ships as labs." stated Sargent Sanchez.
"Hmm, not to worry. The government has been doing many favours for environmentalists lately. They are more than willing to help clean up the beaches. As for the water contamination issue, Tropicana, Coca Cola, and the National Pure Fruit Beverage Corporation have joined forces to supply our citizens with a much needed drink in exchange for some advertising rights."
"Those chemists will just cause more trouble if we leave them be..." Sanchez started.
"Fine then, we'll take care of them. I need four things to be done before the day is out. First, call back any ships still out at sea and put all major boats in dry dock. Secondly, close the flood-gates and drain the harbour. Thirdly I need several large steam engines with full crews, at least 500 construction workers, and the daytime number of the Sam's Cement Yard. Lastly, hault all other rail traffic and get as many loads of concrete to the harbour."
"Consider it done."
---
With that, the members of the Wudrick National Environmentalist Assosiation dressed in their official Ford radiation suits waded into the harbour. After a massive clean up job, the harbour was drained. Cement was dumped all over the sunken ship labs.
---
"Wait for it to harden and then refill the harbour. They can mess about all they want; they'll still run out of air," ordered General George. "We'll be taking the denfensive role now. I want round the clock shore watch ordered in two hour shifts. If there is any sign of a foreign ship, plane, submarine, satellite, or misc. craft of any kind, call me or the Controller. And finally, do not, I repeat, DO NOT attack any foreign craft without verified orders. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a train to catch."

Ah about time GENERAL AARON!!! joins in on all the fun :) no wait i dont smile it looks more like this... :sniper: oh god that reminds me of a really racist joke but i wont tell it. As i was saying...

General Aaron: Ok this is a fleet wide announcement all of the fleet prepare for departure for Bernardi

Important guy 1: um Aaron i was wondering if i cou....

General Aaron: ADDRESS ME BY GENERAL AARON!!!! idiot and no i dont want to give you a raise

Important guy 1: but how did you know i was asking for a raise?

General Aaron: Because you ask the same thing at the same time every day... well what are you waiting for GET OUT!!!!!

Some other important guy: The fleet is ready to move out

General Aaron: Good Good ok well SAIL AWAY...wait i never say that what was i thinking hmmm...oh yes SHOOT THIS STUPID REPORTER IM GETTING TIRED OF HIM!!!!

guy with gun: yes sir! *BANG*

General Aaron: so we move there and attack there kill people here and blow up stuff...hey that reporter is still reporting!!! SHOOT HIM AGAIN!

guy with gun: *BANG*

reporter: im not going to die until i ask you this have you seen the new Star Wars yet?

General Aaron: acualy yes i have i got a copy from Mel Brooks after he taped the premiere

reporter: Oh cool *DIES*

End of report...

As Queen B. watched the sun setting over the western coast of Bernardi, she again smiled to herself at the complete withdrawl of Wudrick. The threat of the New Darkmentian Empire was minute, but a concern nevertheless. Bernardi's spies had the counter-measures in hand, surely her plans would succeed yet again. The purple haze reflecting off the ocean was a calming influence on the turmoil worrying the monarch. "Ahem, my queen." came the interruption.

"Go ahead lad. What tidings do you bring?"

"It is a message from Aaron of Afador. I think he's attempting to join the foray. Unfortunately, his spelling and grammar are so atrocious that even the best translators in the region weren't quite sure what this message was trying to convey."

"Fret not lad. It is obvious that he is beneath our station, and therefore need not be considered as a threat or participant until he learns to use spell-check. It's a wonderful thing - technology - so many ways to use MLA (Modern Languages Association)."

"Shall I send a reply m'lady?"

"I have deeply pondered that very issue. Realistically, what would be the point? We aren't completely sure what was being said/threatened; furthermore, we know General Aaron can't write, so who's to say he can read?"

"Very good your majesty. I will inform the court."

The queen's gaze returned to the now black waters surrounding her great nation. She ruminated about when to see the new Star Wars, "Perhaps I should wait for the video." she muttered to no one in particular.

Nothing this war seems to be based on STAR WARS Twin ion engine decides to join the fray. He decides to send a small... a very small army of 900,000,000 TIE fighter wings (wing=3 squadrons=12 star fighters)

“We will send a small overly equipped group of 30 commando’s into the heart of Bernardi. They will fly into Bernard’s agricultural center and will follow the orders given to them." exclaimed an awesome looking man sitting in a very expensive chair.

* * *
Later that night

“Move out men” whispered a strong overly equipped commando, as 30 commandos repelled down from 6 Huey UH1 helicopters.
When the overly equipped commando’s landed they organized into a large group in the middle of a corn field.
“I want Alpha team to cover the right flank” he said pointing to the right “I want Omega down behind, and Beta to cover the right side. My men will cover the front.”
Many minutes later after issuing the orders the men covered the field and were spread out evenly. The entire field of corn was covered in quite overly equipped commando’s completing there mission. A few of the Omega team’s overly equipped commando’s headed into the village to conduct a secret mission known only to them. At day break the team was safely extracted, and flown back to 590131009.


* * *

That morning a few of the peaceful villagers went out into the field to get some corn for breakfast. The village woke to the sound of a man’s terrifying scream. The entire village raced out into the field to see 100 acres of corn, that had been urinated on by overly equipped commandos. They knew it was done by overly equipped commandos because they left a note. It reads as follows


HA HA HA! We are overly equipped commandos and we urinated on your corn.
PS: Don’t look down.

As stupid as these villagers were to there all misfortune they all looked down. At that same time on a near by hill a overly equipped commando was watching them all through a sniper rifle. He reached down and pulled out a small device with a little red button. He pressed it. The entire field of corn blew up because what was on the ground was 50 pounds of nitroglycerine per square meter. Of course the villagers were not concerned with all the corn being blown up as they were all a little pre-occupied with being vaporized themselves.
The sniper sitting on the hill ran into a nearby hidden apache and flew away to safety.
:sniper: :mp5: :gundge:

In mearly 48 hours after 66 Redro being ordered, 500 ships came to coast of Bernardi with 25 missiles on each of them, and each missile had a gigantic drill bit for a head. The ships stopped. Suddenly, over the skies of Bernardi Cities, millions upon millions of planes and spacecraft started to descend upon it. There were explosions everywhere; tens of millions of troops poured out of the planes into the city. Everything in the city was soon in flames. The troopes were met with Bernardi's famed Knights; the planes were shot down by SAM's, but still, Jessorian troops mananged to breach the walls of the castle, but were being slaughtered. Lastly, tens of thousands of missiles designed to breach Bernardi Castle's walls were fired at it. They worked perfectly. The Emperor smiled. It was going just as planned.

"Get ships 15-69 through 15-78 out of dry dock and back into their original positions. No craft is to escape Bernardi. We must keep civilians on the island. I also need recon work done on Spastic Colon's armies." shouted General George.
"Sir, I advise against this," said Private Percy. "the Spastic Army contains mass numbers of troops..."
At that moment a very disgruntled soldier came tumbling out of the washroom.
"General! There be no toilet paper left."
"More is in the closet."
"There be none in there either."
"There was some yesterday... Did you ask the janitor?"
"AYE! YES I ASKED THE JANITOR! HE 'AS NOTHING!"
"Oh dear..."
"This be mighty uncomforting sir... ...I can't stand it..."
"That gives me an idea. Get me Special Force Team III"
---
The Special Force Team consisted of a single man and his lowly assistants. Ronald Ripov was the most infamous stockbroker in all of Wudrick. General George handed him 100 000 SCU's and told him to get busy. Through buying stock, questionable business deals, and good old fashioned blackmail, Ronald took over a Spastic Colon toilet paper plant. Through further "business tactics", he gained a complete monopoly of the industry. He stopped the production of toilet paper completely. Soldiers and civilians would have to go without the luxury of "Pillow Softness" and "Cotton Fluffs" :eek: . There was nothing anyone could do as Ronald and his "assosiates" owned 51% of the industry. With more twisting of the stock market, Ronald moved onto other businesses that produce basic necessities. Clothing became little more than barrels and sacks; SPAM and other long-lasting food production stopped entirely, giving soldiers little to eat but the grass beneath their feet. The bottled water and distillation companies were not spared. "Buhaha," Ronald laughed maniaclly as he dangled a lollie-pop in front of a child in a burlap sack. He boarded a helicopter and flew off to his overly large office where his garage of excessively fast luxury vehicles awaited him.
---
"It's been done," Lieutenant Larry told the General.
"And if Spastic Colon tries a similar attack plan..."
"We've commsioned Special Force Team III and a half to do complete background checks on anyone who wishes to buy shares in any Wudrickian companies."
"Team III and a half? Who are they?"
"May I introduce you to," Larry began as the team walked in the door,"Tally (Pronouced Tall-lee), Smally (Small-lee), Hairy, Carrey, and Things 1, 2, and 4."
"What happened to... :confused: "
"He found a chocolate pie in the fridge :p . He won't be back for a few days," Tally grunted.
General George cocked an eyebrow in confusion and promptly left the room.
"I certainly enjoy chocolate pie," he thought.

After being called in for re-enfocements, Lord Tarryashi arives at Bernardi with his army that cosists of:
100,000 troops aremed with photon lazer canons, and litle mini shot guns
6 nuclear war ships, each the size of manhatten
60,000 F12 fighter jets
800,000,000,000 atomic bombs
150,000 tanks, each armed with 56mm morters and rocket propeled granades.

"Sir where and what should we deploy?" asks Tarryashi's main general Gemrold T. wizzawhata
"Get those war ships all around the is land. And have those troops take over any remaining cities. Aswell have them on the look out for any undergroud resistance. Have the F12's constently patrol the border and the castle. As for the tanks have them deployed on the primater of the island, but tell them not to move of the coast and only to shoot people not buildings. have the atomic bombs ready for me to dispatch on the island. That is all."

And with that the forces of Tarryashi are are ready to blow the island to little ity-bity microscopic pieces if need be.

As Bernardi's soldiers are fighting and beating Jessorian, New Darkmentian, Tarryashian, New Afadorian, Wudrish, and any other Darkmentian states that have joined the war, Jessorian scientists are busy developing a way to block all uses of magic from Bernardi. They have captured some wizards from Bernardi castle and didn't get anything from them because they proceeded to disappear and randomly turn guards into dead kittens...to the Emperor's delight. After that incident, Jessorian scientists discovered that magical creatures don't disappear...they just slip some GHB into whatever the victim is ingesting. After learning that such creatures are actually drug addicts, a special task force of mulleted bums dressed as unicorns was sent out to buy all of the drugs they can, and when there is none until the dealers can dish it out, they were ordered to get angry and destroy the operation. The drugs were gone, and the "fairies" were powerless. Just to be on the safe side, Jessorian scientists developed a "Magic Inhibitor" that all Jessorian troops were given. The Emperor chewed on a dead kitten and smiled.
"You silly cartoon guy...you can't eat all those hamburgers."

“Hmmm what is there most vital resource??” Asked a very important man to himself “I know lemon soaked towlets. It’s bullet proof”
“But sir, lemon soaked towlets aren’t bullet proof” said a moron
“The plan you dummy head” Wittily replied a very important man sitting in a very expensive chair, as he pulled out a magnum shot the moron in the face. “We will send in a team of overly equipped commandos to destroy the lemon soaked towlet factory. They will arrive on the island of Bernardi by helicopter and eliminate the lemon soaked towlet factory.

* * *

The rain of bullets coming from the Blackhawk helicopters at a rate of 3000 rounds a minute was astonishing. Especially when coming from 2 miniguns per helicopter at a number of 8 helicopters. The bullets shot down into the industrial core of Bernardi like a bolts of lightning. People on the ground were engulfed by the rain of bullets.
“We got 6 B’s with RPG’s on our right side, evasive maneuvers” Yelled an overly equipped commando sitting in one of the helicopters. But it was too late; the RPG had already been fired and hit the helicopter dead on blowing it to pieces and sending helicopter pieces into 6 other helicopters. All 6 were severely injured and crash landed, killing all within. The last helicopter raced towards the lemon soaked towlet factory. It flew strait at the factory and stopped upburpedly as it swung its tail end around and smashed the windows of three levels on the side. Every one in the helicopter quickly jumped out and into the building. They saw the workers and unloaded hundreds of bullets into there surprised victims. The team of overly equipped commando’s ran down into the basement of the building and planted the bombs. They found there way into the sewer system and ran for about a mile, before coming to the surface. On the surface they uncovered a conveniently placed Blackhawk. Before flying away, a sniper (who was an overly equipped commando) pulled out a device with a red button that had something written on it. It reads as follows

Press me for human fireworks

So he did and the city was covered in burning lemon soaked towlets. Which resembled napalm as it stuck, burning to the victims in a 50 mile radius. But one thing good did come of this for Bernardi, it now smells lemony fresh. After watching the show the overly equipped commandos got in the helicopter and flew to 590131009 and to safety.
:sniper: :mp5: :gundge:

As the city-sized Bernardi castle stand almost impervious to all attacks, even nuclear strikes, the Emperor of Jessoria has an idea, and it doesn't involve dead kittens. From what we've seen, the Castle is surrounded by a gigantic magical field. Since Jessoria has developed Magic Inhibitors, a final siege has been planned that involves setting up an inhibitor to temporarilty knock out a section of the shield, sending all of Jessoria's remaining military into the city, wiping out a sector of it, planting a nuke, and getting the hell out. Since we don't want Queen B dead, we're only setting off a half-nuke which will clear a straight path to the Keep and where Queen B is located and storming the castle with over five million troops. Most will get taken out but in the end we will reach the centre of the castle to the indesctructable central chamber, where Queen B will tell us that the only way that she will surrender is if one of her warriors beats of of Jessoria's warriors in hand-to-hand combat. So there will be a final showdown between Kamushagowinagatoasaki Gonakawamanishawasa, Jessoria's finest martial artist, and one of Queen B's remaining personal guards. Kamushagowinagatoasaki will proceed into the centrak chamber where he will knock out the guards escorting him, plant a charge on the hinges of the door, blow it off letting the entire Jessorian Military into the chamber where Queen B trembles in her booties. That was the plan...it all went according except the part where Kamushagowinagatoasaki goes in and blows the door off...he was shot on sight, so now Jessoria will be forced to find a way into the central chamber. Bernardi may have won this battle by having an indestructable shell, but they will not win...oh no, they will not. The chamber is the size of a small town, so you can't really call it a chamber...more of an inner keep. So the war is not yet over...

Ronald's BMW screeched to halt in the middle of the street. His lemon-soaked towlet factory was in pieces.
"What in the name of God..." He yelled as he sumbled out of his car. "Stop blowin' holes in my factory. I'll sue you!!! :headbang: ARG! not the lemon scent tanks :eek: ! NO, NO, No, No.... no..."
Ronald fell to the ground and slammed his fists on the road. He took a deep breath. "It smells... ...lemony...lemony fresh. Hmm, not bad. :D " He then noticed there was nobody around, alive at least. There was utter silence. He coughed dryly and got back into his car.
"Very well then. Carry on." Ronald said. "Now why didn't I think of that..."

After being called in for re-enfocements, Lord Tarryashi arives at Bernardi with his army that cosists of:
100,000 troops aremed with photon lazer canons, and litle mini shot guns
6 nuclear war ships, each the size of manhatten
60,000 F12 fighter jets
800,000,000,000 atomic bombs
150,000 tanks, each armed with 56mm morters and rocket propeled granades.


OOC: Godmodded numbers. Btw, to all of those in this thread, it's bad form to put smilies in IC posts.

The armed republic of mike tropolous has recently been training a elite team of stealth commandos :sniper: :mp5: to infiltrate the state of Bernardia. They have secretly already been sent in to scope out what the situation was, but during the operation they went rogue and captured the queen, and held her hostage. This team called themselves "section 8", their demands: better marks in their Junior High School English class. After their demands were met they dissapeared of the face of the earth.

Sitting around, bored, the Controller plays with his nifty space-age sunvisor.
Suddenly, one of New Darkmentia's few diplomats bursts into the building.
"Sir!"
"Yes?"
"Bernardi has agreed to your terms! A state of detente now exists between our two nations!"
"Excellent! That war was getting boring! And I'm too dangerous a personality to be kept bored!"
"Sir, what orders should we give the fleet?"
"Your a diplomat! What concern of yours is the fleet?" He considered it. "Recall all of them but the warship Reciprocator. Order it to self-destruct. Got to shake things up during peacetime, you know."
"Yessir!"
"And ambassador?"
"Yes?"
"You should check out this ultra-high-quality, illegal DVD of Revenge of the Sith I have. It's pretty sweet."