NationStates Jolt Archive

[In the subterranean office of the Director of Pain Technicians, Parologic Faith Heresy Police. Present are Trent Bogdenoff, Director of Pain Technicians, and Lt. Col. Marcus Hill, Deputy Chief of Heresy Police.

Trent Bogdenoff is very pale, tall, slender, with unusually long, dextrous fingers. His hair is jet black, and his eyes are piercing blue. He is wearing a blood-splattered white lab coat. Strange metal tools are in his coat pocket.

Lt. Col. Hill as tall as Bogdenoff, but is wide-shouldered and athletic. He has as much hair as a billiard ball. He has an eye-patch over his right eye. He is in uniform, and has a very big semi-automatic pistol in his holster.]

HILL: The Chief agrees with the Theocrat that heresy law enforcement must not be extra-territorial.

BOGDENOFF: Fools! That is clearly inconstistent with both The Scriptures and The Constitution.

HILL: Even as they talk about using moral persuation, the publishing houses of infidel nations continue printing "The Book of Peculiar Names"....

B: May its writers be forever cursed!

H: And countless souls continue to be imperiled!

B: Yes. But you have something in mind, yes?

H: Of course. We must force the Theocrat's hand one way or another!

B: Oh?

H: I have quietly put together an executioner team.

B: Executioner team? There has been no executioner teams for half a century.

H: Yes, but the rules have not changed. The only thing that changed is resolve of our leaders, who ponder obscure metaphysical questions as souls are condemned to hell.

B: The Chief does not know?

H: No. And I went through the rules - we have the authority to punish heretics wherever they are - we will start with some publisher of "The Book of Peculiar Names"....

B: May its writers be forever cursed!

H: Quite. And then, after punishment has been delivered, publically announce what we have done.

B: Are you sure we will surive the shitstorm that will follow?

H: No, but at the worst, we get to paradise a bit early.

B: True.

H: And then the Theocrat will either have to back our actions - which are within the rules he is pledged to support - or he will condemn them, openly exposing himself as the hypocrite that he is. I do not think he will be able to hold on to power for long if he does that - the Faithful will rise up against him if the blatantly condemns rightful punishment of heretics.

B: How can I help?

H: The executioner team needs a couple of top-notch pain technicians to deliver the punishment. Can I borrow a couple from you?

B: Of course. I will have two men for you later today. Which infidel nation are you going to send the executioner team to?

H: We have not decided yet. But we are down to a short list. I am so glad we have on you board for this.

B: In God's Name, it is a pleasure.

[Both men rise and shake hands. Lt.Col. Marcus leaves.]

[In the office of Lt. Col. Marcus Hill, Deputy Chief of Heresy Police. Deputy Chief is looking at the short list of heretical publishing houses and scratching his head.

He then gets up and affixes the list to a dartboard. He steps back a few paces, closes his eyes, and throws the dart.

The dart goes through the words 'North Mack Publishing'.]

NORTH MACK TIMES

PUBLISHING COMPANY CEO FOUND BRUTALLY MURDERED
Murder may have been ritualistic, say police

The body of Wade Oberwald, CEO of North Mack Publishing Company, was found at a garbage dump near the Capital. According to the police spokesman, Mr. Oberwald was brutally murdered, possibly in ritualistic fashion. Robbery does not appear to have been a motive - when found, Mr. Oberwald had his big platinum pocket watch and a large amount of cash with him.

The police will not comment on the rumours that Mr. Oberwald's tongue, eyes, and hands were removed, boiled, and left in a jar next to the body, together with a copy of "The Book of Peculiar Names", an obscure religious text published by North Mack Publishing.

"We are pursuing all possible leads at this point and fully intent to bring the perpetrators of this horrific crime to justice," said Capital Police Chief Benjamin Frogengorf, speaking at a press conference. He refused to answer any questions from the press.

NORTH MACK TIMES

Tourist Goes Berserk with Guns at North Mack Publishing Company HQ
Parologicistan Citizen Guns Down 36 Before Being Killed by Police

Yesterday, at approximate 3:23 pm, a man walked into the North Mack Publishing Company HQ and shot the receptionist at close range with Desert Eagle .357, and then proceeded to rampage through the office complex, killing 19 and wounding 16 before being gunned down by a police SWAT team. When ordered to surrender, he shot and killed one police officer, after which he was filled with so much lead he can now be used as a pencil, according to coroner.

According to some witnesses, he was shouting religious slogans. According to Denise Livingston, a secretary at NM Publishing, the gun yelled "Death to Deniers of Parologic!" and then shot Barbara Pilkins (another secretary) in the face with a high caliber pistol. "It was horrible," said Ms. Livingston before curling up in foetal position and continuing to sob.

The gunman has been identified as Bob Chiarelli.

Father De Gasco, Ambassador of Parologicistan, speaking at a press conference at the Parologicistan Embassy, confirmed that Mr. Chiarelli was a Parologicistan citizen. "Mr. Chiarelli was on vacation when he apparently went stark raving nutters. We are horrified at the loss of life, and have donated $50,000 to the North Mack Red Cross to assist with dealing with the aftermath of this senseless tradegy. Our prayers are with the victims and their families."

According to unidentified sources within the Parologicistan Embassy, Mr. Chiarelli was a janitor at the Ministry of Religion, and a volunteer Deacon at his church.

OOC: why is everyone picking on north mack all of a sudden, can i help?

OOC: Don't blame me, blame the dart. :D

OOC: But seriously, its there, so why not. Please feel free to join in. I thinkt he heresy thread could be entertaining. I am picturing it as dealing with individuals rather than with strategic events. But hey, its a free world.

In his subterraneam office, Trent Bogdenoff, Director of Pain Technicians, was fuming. A spectacular bizarre murder and a mass shooting, and no one outside some North Mack newspapers was paying attention! He knew that more attention was required before he could publically announce what he has done, and challenge the Theocrat for his position!

But no one was paying attention. What with all the wars and all the shenanigans of the United Nations, not one major network picked anything up.

"Those fools! I will show them!"

He crawled under his enormous blood-splattered walnut desk and pulled out a suitcase with a big "Radiation Hazard" sticker on it.

"Moahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

The current situation within this country if correct is highly disturbing. It could destablilise the whole region.

Therefore I suggest a United Nations team be sent to carry out a long term investigation and the appropate sanctions be placed

BREAKING NEWS!

Researcher and Co-founder Harold Burns for the North Mack Book Publishing Company was found dead today in his office. An autopsy and several lead psychologists have decided on suicide, though quite how he got his own heart out is still unknown. Police have flocked to the scene to investigate, and report that the door was barricaded shut from the inside and he had ordered all staff to go home an hour prior to his demise.

In related news, another researcher for the firm has been found with his... what!? inside his... oh for the love of-

TRANSMISSION END

[In the book-lined study of His Divine Worship, Theocrat of Parologicistan. The Theocrat is meeting with Theopold McGee-Tokarev IV, U.N. Special Investigator. They are both sitting in very comfortable armchairs and drinking cognac from enormous snifters.]

The Theocrat is a dignified, kindly looking man in his early 60s, with a full head of grey hair and a moustache. He is slightly overweight but appears to be in good shape for a man his age. He is wearing the cassock of a priest, and only the golden collar and the all-seeing-eye tatoo on his forehead identifies him as The Theocrat.

Mr. McGee-Tokarev IV is tall, athletic and in his later 30s, with shoulder length jet black hair. He is wearing a business suit.]

Theocrat: So, if you read the Book of Parologic with understanding, you will see that the God is eternal and non-contingents, while the gods both exist and do not exist.

McGee-Tokarev: [nods and smiles]

T: The gods exist and do not exist at the pleasure of the God, who eternally dreams the gods and the world. It is the function of humanity to serve the gods and the God by making sure that their dreams are sublime.

M-T: [nods and smiles]

T: And when we inhale the smoke of the communion cigarette, our minds become open to the divine dreams, and we dream together with gods and the God. Do you understand?

M-T: Yes, this is fascinating. I have always had the greatest respect for the Parologic Faith. But unfortunately by task today is not theological.

T: Oh? I was afraid of that. I get so little chance to talk about theology these days. Sometimes I think I should have stayed a graduate student forever. In those days, we could stay up all night discussing theology and smoking communion cigarettes. But now, I hardly have time to read the Book of Parologic. Instead I have to deal with all the administrative and political matters, and everyone who comes to me wants something. Back in my student days, I did not have to worry about that, I could do nothing but read and write and think and dream theology for weeks on end. Why, I remember one four day Birth of the Five Prophets weekend, when we stayed up for the entire weekend, discussing the nature of the transcendent versus the contingent gods, and how their thoughts related to human thoughts, and whether the God's omnisciences includes subjective knowledge of the human condition or objective knowledge only.

M-T: [Smiles and Nods]

T: We actually wrote a short book that weekend - "Some Considerations about Divine Omniscience". [He gets up and takes a short book of a bookshelf, titled "Some Considerations about Divine Omniscience" - and hands it to McGee-Tokarev.] You can borrow it if you like.

M-T: Thank you, you are most kind. But unfortunately I have come to discuss an unpleasant topic.

T: I was afraid of that. How can I be of service?

M-T: You are familiar with "The Book of Peculiar Names"?

T: Of course. If you wish to complain that its publication ban in Parologicistan violates human rights, I will give you the same answer we always give about that.

M-T: No, that is not it. Parologicistan is free to ban or not ban whatever it likes within its borders. But surely you are aware of the calls for extra-territorial enforcement of heresy laws?

T: Of course. These calls come from a small bunch of loud-mouthed extremists.

M-T: But doesn't your constitution - and your scriptures - require killing heretics wherever they can be found?

T: Oh, please. Technically, we are not allowed to go to the washroom or climb trees. We are not fundamentalists.

M-T: Of course. But surely you are aware of the recent events in North Mack, and of an attack on a publishing house by a Parologicistan citizen? An attack that appears to be religiously motivated.

T: Yes, we are, and we are investigating the possibility that he was working alone. But so far, it does appear that he was a lone nut. I can get you a copy of the report once its complete.

M-T: I would like that. There is concern among the international community that this is more than the work of a lone nut, and that there may be extremist elements high within the administration of Parologicistan, and in particular among the Heresy Police.

T: The Heresy Police!? It is a bit misnamed. Its more a social service agency that is concerned with spiritual well-being of our citizens.

M-T: Nevertheless, the fact that there is a concern among the international community should be a concern for you - even if you think that this concern is misplaced. There are calls for a formal U.N. investigation of the situation in Parologicistan, but my superiors would prefer that this is handled quietely.

T: If there is anything to handle.

M-T: Of course. Please, do not treat this matter lightly, and please let me know if I can be of any help.

[both rise]

T: It is a pleasure to see you, Mr. McGee-Tokarev.

M-T: Likewise, your Divine Worship. [leaves, but 'accidentally' forgets the book on his armchair armrest]

[District Theological Court, Courtroom 5. Her Devoutness Judge Judy Hotenback presiding.

Judge Hotenback is is in her early 70s, grey haired, and dimunitive. Her black judicial robes make her look mildly ridiculous.

The prosecutor is Vernon Wodemahenmang. His is wearing a nice suit.

The defender is Clarice Tekubenga. She looks like a soccer mom, which she in fact is.

On trial is Cory Longbottom, age 17, charged with Reading Proscribed Books in the First Degree.]

Prosecutor: You Devoutness, not only did the accused smuggle in a copy of "The Book of Peculiar Names" from football team's trip to North Maack, he lent it to his friends, imperiling their souls as well as his own. Under these circumstances, it is only appropriate to impose the penalty of scourging, followed by 4 weeks of Purification by Sacred Pain, followed by 5 years of hard labour.

Defense: You Devoutness, while the accused did admit to reading the book and letting his friends read it, we have heard the testimony from his teachers that they were so afraid of giving kids "ideas" that they never even mentioned the existence of the book to them.

It is true that the defendant should have stopped reading it once its heretical nature has become obvious - but the only appropriate charge would be heresy in the 5th degree, not reading proscribed books in the 1st degree. However, since my client was only charged with the latter, which is clearly inappropriate, this court has to let my client go.

Judge: [Rolls her eyes] Clarice, the business of this court is salvation of souls, not technicalities. You are technically right, but that is no reason to let your client off scott-free.

But as for you, Mr. Wodemahenmang, a penalty appropriate for reading proscribed books in the 1st degree is clearly inappropriate here. If nothing else, this case demonstrates how our educators, in well-meaning but misguided attempt to preserve our youth from the clutches of heresy, actually make them less capable of resisting heresy when the come across it. In fact, Mr. Wodemahenmang, I would like a couple of them in the defendant's dock here tomorrow morning, just to make a fitting example of them.

Mr. W: Yes, Your Devoutness.

Judge: But as to you, young man [stares at Cory, who looks at his shoes] you should have known better. You are sentenced to mandatory daily temple attendance for 6 months, and you will make yourself available to your parish priest for 200 hours of such work as he deems fit for you. If you fail to fulfill the terms of this sentence, Mr. Wodemanhenmang's sentence will apply instead. Do you understand?

Cory: [looks at his shoes and mumbles]

Judge: Do you understand, young man?

Cory: [mumble mumble mumble]

Judge: I cannot hear you!

Cory: [barely audible] Yes your honour.

Judge: This court is adjourned for lunch - we will start with the next case afterwards. Take two, everyone.

Spectator: [The only spectator in the courtroom gets up and starts waving around an enormous handgun in one hand, and the Book of Parologic in another] The penalty for heresy is DEATH! That is the only the Book calls for! That is the only ....

Judge: Sir, please sit down and put away your gun. Such behaviour in a Theological Court is unacceptable and may itself be heresy.

Spectator: You blaspheming bitch! You blasphemer! Die! DIE! [He discharges the enormous handgun, getting the Judge right between the eyes, and the wall behind her is now splattered with blood, brains and bone. She falls over backwards in her seat.]

[As the prosecutor and the defense attorney stare at the gun-wielding maniac in horror, Cory does a brilliant flying tackle, knocking him to the ground. The gun and the Book go flying.]