Omicron Alpha
06-05-2005, 12:01
"Welcome to Alpha Financial News. Today marked the beginning of the new financial year in Omicron Alpha, with Omicron Alpha Government Incorporated announcing a phenomenal boost to the national GDP per capita, which has jumped to rest comfortably above the $47,000 benchmark. OAGI officials promised that if people continued to invest in shares in the 'Compassionate Capitalist' faction, a repeat performance would almost certainly occur over the next financial year.
All across the country, cheap foreign fireworks lit the skies as 1,844,000,000 people celebrated the new financial year. Family profits across the board are estimated to be up by 10%, while the luxury car firm Omicron Gold Automobiles has improved their annual profits by an impressive 66% thanks to strategic investment in foreign markets. This officially makes them the most profitable company in Omicron Alpha at the moment, knocking the illustrious OMilitary Ltd from its top slot.
"We are pleased with our performance this financial year," Omicron Gold Automobiles spokesperson Barry White said earlier today. "We hope to continue our success into the next financial year. We already have plans to enter the West Pacific market; there is a potentially huge market share for us there, and although the West Pacific has traditionally been hard for Omicronian industries to gain a foothold in, we are confident that we can achieve our objectives."
This is amid shocks that OMilitary Ltd has dropped several places in the company rankings chart to become the forth most profitable company in Omicron Alpha. Their profits dropped by nearly 17% last quarter, and almost 2,000 employees were made redundant. Executives were not available for comment, but analysts speculate that their poor performance is due to a lack of significant global conflicts at present. Whether OMilitary officials will make any effort to covertly start a military conflict is unclear at this point.
In contrast to these success stories, the moment the clocks struck midnight and the new financial year began, over 122,000 people simultaneously committed suicide. Hired officers from Alpha Police Inc. are still investigating the bodies for any signs of foul-play. It is hoped that they are consumers who failed to make a profit this year, as this will not require action. If there are profitable consumers amongst the dead, OAGI will likely issue a statement in a few days time.
Not a happy new year for those 122,000 people then. Hahahaha! But to everyone who is making a profit, happy new financial year from Alpha Financial News Service, and good night."
-- Excerpt from Alpha Financial News 10pm Broadcast, 05/05/05.
All across the country, cheap foreign fireworks lit the skies as 1,844,000,000 people celebrated the new financial year. Family profits across the board are estimated to be up by 10%, while the luxury car firm Omicron Gold Automobiles has improved their annual profits by an impressive 66% thanks to strategic investment in foreign markets. This officially makes them the most profitable company in Omicron Alpha at the moment, knocking the illustrious OMilitary Ltd from its top slot.
"We are pleased with our performance this financial year," Omicron Gold Automobiles spokesperson Barry White said earlier today. "We hope to continue our success into the next financial year. We already have plans to enter the West Pacific market; there is a potentially huge market share for us there, and although the West Pacific has traditionally been hard for Omicronian industries to gain a foothold in, we are confident that we can achieve our objectives."
This is amid shocks that OMilitary Ltd has dropped several places in the company rankings chart to become the forth most profitable company in Omicron Alpha. Their profits dropped by nearly 17% last quarter, and almost 2,000 employees were made redundant. Executives were not available for comment, but analysts speculate that their poor performance is due to a lack of significant global conflicts at present. Whether OMilitary officials will make any effort to covertly start a military conflict is unclear at this point.
In contrast to these success stories, the moment the clocks struck midnight and the new financial year began, over 122,000 people simultaneously committed suicide. Hired officers from Alpha Police Inc. are still investigating the bodies for any signs of foul-play. It is hoped that they are consumers who failed to make a profit this year, as this will not require action. If there are profitable consumers amongst the dead, OAGI will likely issue a statement in a few days time.
Not a happy new year for those 122,000 people then. Hahahaha! But to everyone who is making a profit, happy new financial year from Alpha Financial News Service, and good night."
-- Excerpt from Alpha Financial News 10pm Broadcast, 05/05/05.