Kaukolastan
04-05-2005, 21:30
KNN Reports
A logo spins past, driving "reporting" music plays. The sponsor for tonight’s broadcast, the Dynamic Motors Shrapnelization Dashboard, flashes up for a moment. The video fades into that of a bland middle aged man in a blue suit, sitting at his anchor desk, slapping a female intern on the rear. The man glanced up, turns pale white, and shoves the woman to the floor, under his desk. He straightens his collar and faces the camera, coughing slightly.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Jackson Paige, and you're watching KNN Even Report."
A voice floats up from under the desk. "It's dark down here."
"Quiet." Paige turns back to the screen. "In recent weeks, many dangerous situations have arisen, most having to do with nuclear weapons."
Images flash of naval fleets dueling, satellite weapons firing, coastal cities exploding, and finally, one of goblins pounding on a pile of uranium.
"Now, however, officials in Corsingard think that they have found a solution. We go live to the Capital, where Kristie is interviewing Senator Stark, of the "New Warfare" Committee. Kristie?"
The image changes to one of a blandly attractive blonde and a corpulent politico standing on an overlook from Corsingard Mount. Both are snorting white lines off of the ledge. There is a voice from the cameraman. "Hey, hey! We're on!"
The woman turns to the screen, wiping her nose with her sleeve, leaving a white powder on her jacket. She scrunches her face up, shivering slightly, and then making a sound somewhere close to, "Whoo-hoo!"
Kristie faces the camera, "Good evening, -twitch- Jackson. -twitch- I'm Kristie Melody, and I'm here with Senator Stark." -twitch-
Stark turns from the balcony, red faced and mustachioed, with traces of the powder in his facial hair, making him look like a corrupt, freebasing Santa Claus, with tiny hands and squinty eyes.
"Mr. Stark, could you explain the purpose of the "New War" Committee?" -twitch-
"Well, -twitch- the NWC is dedicated to changing the SOP of COW and bringing about a NWO of PAH through CAU." -twitch-
"That sounds pretty FUBAR, Senator." -twitch-
"It's really a bipartisan effort to multilaterally bring about a better world through outreach and understanding. HOLY SHIT! BIG DOGS! BIG DOGS!"
Stark falls over, convulsing and slapping himself. Kristie stares at him for a second, then begins yelling about "White swan in the black room!" and hurls herself over the ledge with a fading call of, "Back to you, Jacksoooonnnnn- splat."
There is a pause, and then the image jerks back to the studio, where the anchor is leaning back in his chair, with his hands below the desk, grinning broadly. There is no sign of the intern.
"Oh, that's the ticket. Who's the man, who's the man. That's right, I'm your daddy. Tell me, baby-" He sees the camera, and straightens up suddenly, hauling his chair forward violently.
There is a thump from below, and a sudden "Ow!" from beneath the desk.
Jackson smiles carefully, trying to straighten back up. "Well, Kristie, that sure was enlightening. Allow me to summarize. In order to reduce the strain of the nuclear stigma, the NWC has decided to re-title all nuclear weapons, "Happy Sunshine Devices". After all, who doesn't like sunshine?"
"The FDA recommends SPF One Million Sunblock should you choose to go tanning under a Happy Sunshine Device."
The screen fades back to the flying logos, and another ad for the Shrapnelization Dashboard. A tag line promises, We'll return with your daily forecast. Is imminent death upon us in Biblical storms that gather in the East? FEAR MORTAL, FOR THE END SHALL COME IN SNOW AND ICE! Either that, or we'll have a pleasant weekend. Find out when we return.
This has been a KNN Evening Report.
A logo spins past, driving "reporting" music plays. The sponsor for tonight’s broadcast, the Dynamic Motors Shrapnelization Dashboard, flashes up for a moment. The video fades into that of a bland middle aged man in a blue suit, sitting at his anchor desk, slapping a female intern on the rear. The man glanced up, turns pale white, and shoves the woman to the floor, under his desk. He straightens his collar and faces the camera, coughing slightly.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Jackson Paige, and you're watching KNN Even Report."
A voice floats up from under the desk. "It's dark down here."
"Quiet." Paige turns back to the screen. "In recent weeks, many dangerous situations have arisen, most having to do with nuclear weapons."
Images flash of naval fleets dueling, satellite weapons firing, coastal cities exploding, and finally, one of goblins pounding on a pile of uranium.
"Now, however, officials in Corsingard think that they have found a solution. We go live to the Capital, where Kristie is interviewing Senator Stark, of the "New Warfare" Committee. Kristie?"
The image changes to one of a blandly attractive blonde and a corpulent politico standing on an overlook from Corsingard Mount. Both are snorting white lines off of the ledge. There is a voice from the cameraman. "Hey, hey! We're on!"
The woman turns to the screen, wiping her nose with her sleeve, leaving a white powder on her jacket. She scrunches her face up, shivering slightly, and then making a sound somewhere close to, "Whoo-hoo!"
Kristie faces the camera, "Good evening, -twitch- Jackson. -twitch- I'm Kristie Melody, and I'm here with Senator Stark." -twitch-
Stark turns from the balcony, red faced and mustachioed, with traces of the powder in his facial hair, making him look like a corrupt, freebasing Santa Claus, with tiny hands and squinty eyes.
"Mr. Stark, could you explain the purpose of the "New War" Committee?" -twitch-
"Well, -twitch- the NWC is dedicated to changing the SOP of COW and bringing about a NWO of PAH through CAU." -twitch-
"That sounds pretty FUBAR, Senator." -twitch-
"It's really a bipartisan effort to multilaterally bring about a better world through outreach and understanding. HOLY SHIT! BIG DOGS! BIG DOGS!"
Stark falls over, convulsing and slapping himself. Kristie stares at him for a second, then begins yelling about "White swan in the black room!" and hurls herself over the ledge with a fading call of, "Back to you, Jacksoooonnnnn- splat."
There is a pause, and then the image jerks back to the studio, where the anchor is leaning back in his chair, with his hands below the desk, grinning broadly. There is no sign of the intern.
"Oh, that's the ticket. Who's the man, who's the man. That's right, I'm your daddy. Tell me, baby-" He sees the camera, and straightens up suddenly, hauling his chair forward violently.
There is a thump from below, and a sudden "Ow!" from beneath the desk.
Jackson smiles carefully, trying to straighten back up. "Well, Kristie, that sure was enlightening. Allow me to summarize. In order to reduce the strain of the nuclear stigma, the NWC has decided to re-title all nuclear weapons, "Happy Sunshine Devices". After all, who doesn't like sunshine?"
"The FDA recommends SPF One Million Sunblock should you choose to go tanning under a Happy Sunshine Device."
The screen fades back to the flying logos, and another ad for the Shrapnelization Dashboard. A tag line promises, We'll return with your daily forecast. Is imminent death upon us in Biblical storms that gather in the East? FEAR MORTAL, FOR THE END SHALL COME IN SNOW AND ICE! Either that, or we'll have a pleasant weekend. Find out when we return.
This has been a KNN Evening Report.