Bi-Polaria
25-04-2005, 14:45
(Please join, and keep in the tone of the dry situation humor that will permiate through this RP. This was inspired by an episode of Futurama.)
~Coronation of Ferdinand~
Bi-Polaria’s Grand Duke Ferdinand CLXXVIII (178th) stood on the Royal Balcony overlooking Assassin’s Square before a relatively unenthusiastic crowd on his coronation day. Not two days ago, Ferdinand was a humble 27 year old mechanic in the palace, who, while fixing a door on the Royal Limousine, mercilessly beat to death the late Grand Duke Leonard LXXXIX with a wrench.
The rather weak and unimpressive voice of Ferdinand echoed through the badly wired sound system set up in the square: “Humble Subjects of Bi-Polaria; As the 9,530th Grand Duke of this great nation, I stand before you. Why? Well, if I were standing behind you, you wouldn’t be able to see me.” *chuckle* “But seriously...”
A gun shot rang out. A slightly - though not very - surprised gasp erupted from the audience. Ferdinand clutched his chest, before collapsing to his early demise.
“Oy...” The Royal Chamberlain, Jonathan Idiotzia, sighed. “There goes another one.” he whispered to the Council of Elders, who were assembled on the Royal Balcony in their regalia. “I wonder who killed him?”
“I think asking who our next Grand Duke to be assassinated would be a more apt question.” The Elder Minister of Foreign Relations joked.
However, several minutes passed by, and the crowd started to mumble together in one worried sort of hush.
“Well?” Chamberlain Idiotzia asked the Chief of Police. “Who is the assassin?”
“We don’t know, sir!”
“What do you mean, you don’t know!?”
“I mean... we don’t know. No one has come forward. We’ve searched the crowd and surrounding buildings, but no one is around who has a sniper riffle that was capable of assassinated Grand Duke Ferdinand!”
“So... who is our next Monarch!?” Idiotzia asked, very startled as they took the body of Ferdinand off the balcony on a stretcher.
-----
~Third World News Tonight~
The Arab Anchor of Third World News Tonight, Al Aziz Akbar, looked up from his desk. “Good evening. Tonight, our top story is not terrorists in an assorted number of Middle Eastern Countries! No, it isn’t! Instead, we have news out of the insignificant Grand Duchy of Bi-Polaria. A small European city-state centered somewhere - and I’m being vague here for the sake of sanity - in Europe! According to the United Nations, Bi-Polaria not only has one of the most unstable Governments in the world, but also has an appalling human rights record that includes segregation, sexism, racism, mass executions perpetrated by the Government AND genocide all within the past 50 years! A nation truly proving that the third world is not excluded in Europe!”
“Anywho, as I was saying, our top story comes from Bi-Polaria. Before I begin, know this: Bi-Polaria has a very odd secession law regarding it’s Monarchs. You see, after a continious series of assassinations in the 1400s wiped out Bi-Polaria’s hereditary Monarchic Family, the Polars, the country decided to create a rule that whomever assassinated the reigning Monarch, would become the new Monarch! This, obviously, had an unforseen effect: Every Monarch was assassinated within a week of taking the throne.”
“So, as I was saying, the Monarch of Bi-Polaria was assassinated today. This, is not news. The country has gone through 11 Monarchs since the start of the year. However, in this case, the assassin of the reigning Monarch, never came forward. Bi-Polaria has now been shut down into a state of complete polarization as the nation goes onto it’s 16th hour without any idea whom will assume the throne. We will keep you updated as the crisis in Bi-Polaria unfolds.”
“In other news: Earlier today, festive drug-addict libertarians in the Carribean killed their loved ones and stuck the heads on pikes for no apparent reason...”
-----
~Council of Elders Emergency Meeting~
“Oh god...” Idiotzia siged and banged his head on the table where the elderly looking Elders sat, forlorn looks on all their faces.
“I know...” One said.
“We all know...” Another said.
“Why? Why didn’t we do away with that pathetic succession to the throne system during our radical purge of traitors in 1999?” Idiotzia asked.
“Ah, yes, the Millennium Purge... good times...” One sighed, reminiscing.
“Yes, those wonderful memories aisde...” The Elder Minister of the Interior piped in. “I believe we kept the Monarch around, so that we could continue our ruthlessly powerful Oligarchic Council of Elders with the appearance that the Government was actually in the hands of a constantly unstable Monarchy.”
“Oh yeah...” Another said. “Have to remember our ruthlessly powerful Oligarchy here.” He snickered, rather cheerfully.
“Anyway...” Idiotzia glared at the, seemingly, jovial Elders. “We should probably find a way to resolve this, don’t you think?”
“Why?” The Elder Minister of Health, Welfare and Education, Kent Lyons, chimed in. “Why not change the Government! We have the power and the reason to, now!”
Idiotzia sneered down his nose over his glasses at the Elder. “Moving on from that idea...”
“Aha!” The Elder Minister of the Archives exclaimed. His peers looked at him in anticipation as he sat there reading a large book, with a fascinate look upon his face.
“Well?” Idiotzia asked impatiently.
“It seems, in 1670, there was a similar crisis!” Said the Elder Minister of Archives. “While on vacation in the French Alps, the Grand Duke Henry XI was killed by an assassin who, evidently, wanted to become the next Grand Duke. However, the scream of Henry when the assassin struck him down with a shovel, caused an avalanche, that not only killed dozens in several villages, but also the assassin. With a dead assassin, the Council of Elders was faced with the same simuation we have here today!” The Elder slammed his book closed, looking rather proud of himself.
Everyone just glared blankly at him until one spoke out. “So?”
“So what?” The book holding Elder asked.
“How did they resolve it!?” The other Elders said in unison.
“Oh! It seems, they had two options. Install a member of the Council of Elders as Grand Duke - which none of them wanted, as the average length of a Grand Duke’s reign is 96 hours - or, ask for international consensus upon what to do. They chose the later, and it seems, rather than suggest a change in our debunk succession laws, the French installed Grand Duke Louis IV in hopes of inheriting our nation, however, Louis met his demise about seventeen days later, and his assassin, of course, succeeded him.”
“So... we call for an international conference?” Idiotzia asked.
“I suppose... Unless you have a better idea.”
“Well, alright.... But wont our horrific record on human rights cause a bit of a snag?”
“Not if we only invite other nations with appalling human rights violations!”
“But that only leaves the Orientals and the Arabs...” Idiotzia has hesitation in his voice.
“And the Latinos!”
“Don’t forget the Eurasians!”
“And the Indians! I mean of the subcontinent, not North America.”
“And the Pacific Islanders!”
“And America!”
“America!?” Said the council in unison.
“Yeah, haven’t you heard, they barred gays from getting married... freeborn republic my rear end.”
“Considering we dismembered them up until 1979, we’re really ones to talk...”
“But, we’ve never barred them from getting married!”
“Anyway!” Idiotzia intervened in the runaway conversation. “So, is it agreed that we are resolving this by calling for an international conference, among the less noble nations of the world, to name our new Grand Duke?”
‘Yes!” The council said in unison
-----
~Third World News Tonight~
“A glimmer of hope in the succession crisis in Bi-Polaria rests in the hands of some of the most seedy and despicable persons in the world, most of whom compose of our main audience! The Council of Elders of Bi-Polaria has called for a conference among nations it deems it’s ‘peer group’ to nominate a new Monarch for Bi-Polaria!”
“To give you an idea of what the ‘peer-group’ statement means, in laymen’s terms: If your nation would have been, or was, invaded by the United States , you’re invited!”
OOC: (Anyone can join in, really - because that description applies to any nation, really, :p - I just thought having the scum buckets of the earth at this conference would be more comical rather than first world diplomats. And please, PLEASE strive to put someone from your nation or royalty on Bi-Polaria's throne - who will, naturally, be assassinated eventually :D - it's the whole point of this.)
~Coronation of Ferdinand~
Bi-Polaria’s Grand Duke Ferdinand CLXXVIII (178th) stood on the Royal Balcony overlooking Assassin’s Square before a relatively unenthusiastic crowd on his coronation day. Not two days ago, Ferdinand was a humble 27 year old mechanic in the palace, who, while fixing a door on the Royal Limousine, mercilessly beat to death the late Grand Duke Leonard LXXXIX with a wrench.
The rather weak and unimpressive voice of Ferdinand echoed through the badly wired sound system set up in the square: “Humble Subjects of Bi-Polaria; As the 9,530th Grand Duke of this great nation, I stand before you. Why? Well, if I were standing behind you, you wouldn’t be able to see me.” *chuckle* “But seriously...”
A gun shot rang out. A slightly - though not very - surprised gasp erupted from the audience. Ferdinand clutched his chest, before collapsing to his early demise.
“Oy...” The Royal Chamberlain, Jonathan Idiotzia, sighed. “There goes another one.” he whispered to the Council of Elders, who were assembled on the Royal Balcony in their regalia. “I wonder who killed him?”
“I think asking who our next Grand Duke to be assassinated would be a more apt question.” The Elder Minister of Foreign Relations joked.
However, several minutes passed by, and the crowd started to mumble together in one worried sort of hush.
“Well?” Chamberlain Idiotzia asked the Chief of Police. “Who is the assassin?”
“We don’t know, sir!”
“What do you mean, you don’t know!?”
“I mean... we don’t know. No one has come forward. We’ve searched the crowd and surrounding buildings, but no one is around who has a sniper riffle that was capable of assassinated Grand Duke Ferdinand!”
“So... who is our next Monarch!?” Idiotzia asked, very startled as they took the body of Ferdinand off the balcony on a stretcher.
-----
~Third World News Tonight~
The Arab Anchor of Third World News Tonight, Al Aziz Akbar, looked up from his desk. “Good evening. Tonight, our top story is not terrorists in an assorted number of Middle Eastern Countries! No, it isn’t! Instead, we have news out of the insignificant Grand Duchy of Bi-Polaria. A small European city-state centered somewhere - and I’m being vague here for the sake of sanity - in Europe! According to the United Nations, Bi-Polaria not only has one of the most unstable Governments in the world, but also has an appalling human rights record that includes segregation, sexism, racism, mass executions perpetrated by the Government AND genocide all within the past 50 years! A nation truly proving that the third world is not excluded in Europe!”
“Anywho, as I was saying, our top story comes from Bi-Polaria. Before I begin, know this: Bi-Polaria has a very odd secession law regarding it’s Monarchs. You see, after a continious series of assassinations in the 1400s wiped out Bi-Polaria’s hereditary Monarchic Family, the Polars, the country decided to create a rule that whomever assassinated the reigning Monarch, would become the new Monarch! This, obviously, had an unforseen effect: Every Monarch was assassinated within a week of taking the throne.”
“So, as I was saying, the Monarch of Bi-Polaria was assassinated today. This, is not news. The country has gone through 11 Monarchs since the start of the year. However, in this case, the assassin of the reigning Monarch, never came forward. Bi-Polaria has now been shut down into a state of complete polarization as the nation goes onto it’s 16th hour without any idea whom will assume the throne. We will keep you updated as the crisis in Bi-Polaria unfolds.”
“In other news: Earlier today, festive drug-addict libertarians in the Carribean killed their loved ones and stuck the heads on pikes for no apparent reason...”
-----
~Council of Elders Emergency Meeting~
“Oh god...” Idiotzia siged and banged his head on the table where the elderly looking Elders sat, forlorn looks on all their faces.
“I know...” One said.
“We all know...” Another said.
“Why? Why didn’t we do away with that pathetic succession to the throne system during our radical purge of traitors in 1999?” Idiotzia asked.
“Ah, yes, the Millennium Purge... good times...” One sighed, reminiscing.
“Yes, those wonderful memories aisde...” The Elder Minister of the Interior piped in. “I believe we kept the Monarch around, so that we could continue our ruthlessly powerful Oligarchic Council of Elders with the appearance that the Government was actually in the hands of a constantly unstable Monarchy.”
“Oh yeah...” Another said. “Have to remember our ruthlessly powerful Oligarchy here.” He snickered, rather cheerfully.
“Anyway...” Idiotzia glared at the, seemingly, jovial Elders. “We should probably find a way to resolve this, don’t you think?”
“Why?” The Elder Minister of Health, Welfare and Education, Kent Lyons, chimed in. “Why not change the Government! We have the power and the reason to, now!”
Idiotzia sneered down his nose over his glasses at the Elder. “Moving on from that idea...”
“Aha!” The Elder Minister of the Archives exclaimed. His peers looked at him in anticipation as he sat there reading a large book, with a fascinate look upon his face.
“Well?” Idiotzia asked impatiently.
“It seems, in 1670, there was a similar crisis!” Said the Elder Minister of Archives. “While on vacation in the French Alps, the Grand Duke Henry XI was killed by an assassin who, evidently, wanted to become the next Grand Duke. However, the scream of Henry when the assassin struck him down with a shovel, caused an avalanche, that not only killed dozens in several villages, but also the assassin. With a dead assassin, the Council of Elders was faced with the same simuation we have here today!” The Elder slammed his book closed, looking rather proud of himself.
Everyone just glared blankly at him until one spoke out. “So?”
“So what?” The book holding Elder asked.
“How did they resolve it!?” The other Elders said in unison.
“Oh! It seems, they had two options. Install a member of the Council of Elders as Grand Duke - which none of them wanted, as the average length of a Grand Duke’s reign is 96 hours - or, ask for international consensus upon what to do. They chose the later, and it seems, rather than suggest a change in our debunk succession laws, the French installed Grand Duke Louis IV in hopes of inheriting our nation, however, Louis met his demise about seventeen days later, and his assassin, of course, succeeded him.”
“So... we call for an international conference?” Idiotzia asked.
“I suppose... Unless you have a better idea.”
“Well, alright.... But wont our horrific record on human rights cause a bit of a snag?”
“Not if we only invite other nations with appalling human rights violations!”
“But that only leaves the Orientals and the Arabs...” Idiotzia has hesitation in his voice.
“And the Latinos!”
“Don’t forget the Eurasians!”
“And the Indians! I mean of the subcontinent, not North America.”
“And the Pacific Islanders!”
“And America!”
“America!?” Said the council in unison.
“Yeah, haven’t you heard, they barred gays from getting married... freeborn republic my rear end.”
“Considering we dismembered them up until 1979, we’re really ones to talk...”
“But, we’ve never barred them from getting married!”
“Anyway!” Idiotzia intervened in the runaway conversation. “So, is it agreed that we are resolving this by calling for an international conference, among the less noble nations of the world, to name our new Grand Duke?”
‘Yes!” The council said in unison
-----
~Third World News Tonight~
“A glimmer of hope in the succession crisis in Bi-Polaria rests in the hands of some of the most seedy and despicable persons in the world, most of whom compose of our main audience! The Council of Elders of Bi-Polaria has called for a conference among nations it deems it’s ‘peer group’ to nominate a new Monarch for Bi-Polaria!”
“To give you an idea of what the ‘peer-group’ statement means, in laymen’s terms: If your nation would have been, or was, invaded by the United States , you’re invited!”
OOC: (Anyone can join in, really - because that description applies to any nation, really, :p - I just thought having the scum buckets of the earth at this conference would be more comical rather than first world diplomats. And please, PLEASE strive to put someone from your nation or royalty on Bi-Polaria's throne - who will, naturally, be assassinated eventually :D - it's the whole point of this.)