NationStates Jolt Archive

Description: Desperate to make the biggest tank ever made, Pwnage technicians decided to graft one of the turrets of a Zheng He class Uberbattleship to a positively enormous tank chassis. The result is the PHT-1, truly the biggest tank ever released.

Dimensions
Length: 302m
Width: 305m
Height: 152m
Weight: 695,000 tons
Crew: 529
Engine: 5 Pebblebed Nuclear Reactors, or 1 TOKAMAK Fusion Reactor
Main Weapon: 3 36 inch NOVA cannons.
Rate of fire: 3 rounds per minute
Ammunition: 50 rounds
Secondary Weapons: Various 5 and 10 inch guns, 6 inch railguns, infantry firing positions, 100 SAM VLS cells, 100 SSM VLS cells.
Max Road Speed: 0.00005m/h, assuming the transmission doesn't break instantly.
Max cross-country Speed: Are you insane?
Range: 5-6m
Armor:Classified but equivalent to 400,000mm RHA
Cost: $122 billion

Disclaimer: Doesn't actually move, or fire for that matter (The NOVA cannons are too big for the tank). The primary function of this tank is to allow nations with overly huge defense budgets to buy something to scare n00bs with. That and the PHT-1 makes a pretty good fixture for filling up public spaces and generates lots of tourist revenues to boot.

ooc: You... are joking, correct?

This is possibly the most useless thing I have ever seen for sale in II in my nearly two years of playing. You do realize for about that ammount of money you could buy a Doujin Battleship? Heh. I hope this is a joke...

ooc: Precisely. Who the hell is a big enough idiot to invest in one of these earth-shattering mammoths? Wouldn't a larger nation invest in something that moves, at least, like the myriad dreadnaughts available on NS, to scare off noobs, instead of spending a similar amount on a useless hunk of metal?

I can find much better uses for the turret, for example. Leaving it on the god-damned uBer-battleship is one!

[OOC: As I tend to buy a couple of every truly outlandish oddity I find for the Juumanistran Museum of Misfits and Freaks, this is a bank breaker. In fact, given the absurd price, anyone who plays along even for fun should be shot in the face. With a hammer.]

By the way, anyone know the average weight of a PBMR reactor? I'm looking for one to calculate the average weight of my STS platform but haven't been able to locate one yet.

[OOC: I have nothing to say about this. Nothing. Talk on MSN.]

ooc: Yes, this thing is supposed to be a joke. Who in their right minds would actually deploy this thing as a tank?

And Juumanistra, i'll give one to you for free.

The Executor wasn’t pleased.

She sat along on the balcony over looking her estate, in the Maylor country side. Rolling green field stretched before here, as far as the eye could see. There hadn’t always been fields here, but the massive re-seeding program that had begun over 20 years ago, under the former Executer, was finally taking root…to use a pun

She sat along, surveying here newly complete 18 hole golf course. The course wrapped around a large, man made lake. In the center of the lake sat a large island, completely barren, as all the tree’s had been removed from it, and it was made completely flat. A grand statue of the Executer was to fill this vacant green space, complete with a reflecting pool and fountains, and all the other egocentric things fit for the leader of an egocentric nation of over 3.3 billion people.

However, the convoy hauling the statue had been attacked by several bi-planes bearing the seal of the Confederacy of Armed Lumberjacks, an allied nation to the north east o Transnapastain know for its population of half witted, inbred hilljacks, who also shared Transnapastain’s zeal for religion.

The attacks had the best intentions at heart, they really did mused the Executer, as she stared at the empty space. A few hours after the attack, a carrier pigeon arrived at the Capital Building, explaining that the attacking party had thought the statue was to a “golden café” so to speak. An icon to a false God. Attempting to save the religion of Transnapastain, they attacked and destroyed the statue. They sent word, via the carrier pigion, that they were ready to assist against “The religis uprisin’ ya’lls having at the molement (typos intentional)”

After defusing the situation, and reminding them that Transnapastain is now, and will always be, a monotheistic society, the Executer had to find something to put on that island, as a new statue would take the better part of 5 years.

Earlier that day, she’d been reviewing intelligence reports, and had noticed the new tank released by Masspwnage. PHT-1….suddenly, she had an idea

Calling her aide, she said. “Contact Masspwnage, and order one of these tanks….tell them it can be demiled, for all we care, if they’re untrusting of us. Then have it delivered here, placed on that island, and use the main guns to launch fireworks. Also, have several statues of people made, all recoiling in fear and running away from the tank, and then build a large statue of a lightning bolt behind the tank, so it looks like its being struck…”

The aide looked at her with a stupefied expression…”Uh, yes ma’am right away…” he said, as he hurried off to do her bidding, wondering what the hell had gotten into her…

The order was delivered to Masspwnage later that day

“The Directorate nation requires one PHT-1 Ubertank to be delivered here as soon as possible. Should you be unwilling to sell this…weapon…to a nation you aren’t familiar/friendly with, the version sent to us can be demilled, if you so choose. The money will be wired upon confirmation of the order.

Thanks in advance

The Executer of Transnapastain

The clunky, boxy and beyond immense form of a converted SeaDragon class Ubercarrier sailed up to the island and docked.

A massive ramp slammed down with an earth shaking thud.

Inside, more than a hundred tank movers went to work, pulling the huge monstrosity that was the PHT-1 out of the Ubercarrier's hold.

The shipment handler, as he was confirming the sign off of the tank said: "Don't worry, this thing HAS no military function whatsoever."

The Dock master was too busy gawking at the hulking monstrosity of metal being pulled from the cargo ship to reply, but the OIS officer turned to the man. “: That’s ok, it’ll make an awesome center and conversation piece…and we’ll finally have something bigger than those bastards across the channel in Kaukolastan….” Looking back at the tank he shivered. “They can most likely SEE the damn thing from over in their nation..”

The officer was sure if he could see into ISA headquarters right now, he’d find a SATINT technician staring bleakly at a screen, a “what the fuck” expression on his face…as his commander slowly spoke into his cell phone, informing Director Kerrick of the newest…development.

“Thank you, once again” she officer said to the ship master

Wow! Such an amazing tank! I must purchase one for our military museum, it will be on the 'Useless designs from foreign powers' exhibit. Please may we have one delivered.

Ivan Denisovitch,
CEO of Venom Defence

OOC: Wow, I can't believe Greater Valia and Greenmanbry thought you were serious! Come on, you are a respected designer that knows what he is talking about. Why are large nations such as their's so naive? Anyway, really great tank, you even silenced the great critic Praetonia. Spend the money on something nice.

The ship's master nodded and the Ubercarrier sailed away.

Another satisfied customer...

This time, instead of the Ubercarrier, a dozen large transport ships docked in a random port somewhere in Intelligent Neighbors.

Workers delievered all the parts, then brought them into the museum and assembled the tank in the proper exhibit hall.

ooc: *slits wrist and welcomes sweet death*

ooc: Generally, that's regarded as a suicide gesture for a few reasons.

A) Most people don't put enough force into their cuts to sever something major.

B) Down, not across the street

C) One wrist only?

OOC: Wow, I can't believe Greater Valia and Greenmanbry thought you were serious! Come on, you are a respected designer that knows what he is talking about. Why are large nations such as their's so naive? Anyway, really great tank, you even silenced the great critic Praetonia. Spend the money on something nice.

Cute. When you've been playing for along time you routinely see alot of retarded shit like this pop up for sale and since this is the internet its pretty much impossible to tell when people are kidding, being sarcastic, or making a joke since in real life all of those things are inferred by tone of voice. Christ. And another thing, its not being naieve(sp?) since I have seen many constructs such as this being advertised for sale in all seriousness.

ooc: you mean people have actually made things like this with intent to use it for military purposes?

ooc: you mean people have actually made things like this with intent to use it for military purposes?

Yes as insane as that may seem. And what makes it even crazier is that the Germans designed a tank in proportion to the one you're selling during WWII.

Cute. When you've been playing for along time you routinely see alot of retarded shit like this pop up for sale and since this is the internet its pretty much impossible to tell when people are kidding, being sarcastic, or making a joke since in real life all of those things are inferred by tone of voice. Christ. And another thing, its not being naieve(sp?) since I have seen many constructs such as this being advertised for sale in all seriousness.

True. And, coupled with the fact that MassPwnage's technology tends to make the Doujin look like 11th century tech, with all the uBer modifications and systems on his tanks, I took him seriously. It's not like we haven't seen similar "10,000 n00kuluar react0rz on my t4nkz!" vehicles before.

MP - Dear God, yes! We have had similar tanks before, and ridiculous arguments to support their use in warfare. Ugh!

OOC: the Admiral Ax-1 or whatever by Axis Nova is along the same lines.. and he was serious... or so I could tell. Its not as exagerated and it was FT (or PMT? Ive forgotten) but yes its of a similar lines.

ooc: Generally, that's regarded as a suicide gesture for a few reasons.

A) Most people don't put enough force into their cuts to sever something major.

B) Down, not across the street

C) One wrist only?

Fool! The phrase is:

'Down the path, not across the street kiddies.'

OOC: the Admiral Ax-1 or whatever by Axis Nova is along the same lines.. and he was serious... or so I could tell. Its not as exagerated and it was FT (or PMT? Ive forgotten) but yes its of a similar lines.

Yeah, it was PMT.

ooc: anyway, i'll personally give a cookie to anyone that buys one and actually uses this thing in warfare.

ooc: anyway, i'll personally give a cookie to anyone that buys one and actually uses this thing in warfare.

First you'd have to tell us "how" to use it seeing it cant move, cant shoot... Only use I can think of is dropping it from a equally titanic airplane/airship.

ooc: Even assuming it could shoot (it can, but for liablity purposes, i disabled the weapons), the recoil of 3 36in guns would tear off the turret, assuming they don't explode upon firing.

Anyway, really great tank, you even silenced the great critic Praetonia.
You must feel... so proud...

ooc: Even assuming it could shoot (it can, but for liablity purposes, i disabled the weapons), the recoil of 3 36in guns would tear off the turret, assuming they don't explode upon firing.

Thats quite a mental picture...

Captain: Prepare to fire the UberCannon!
Private: Sir! It will explode and kill us all!
Captain: Never mind that, fire the damn thing!

*KaBOOOOM!*

And with that the crew of teh biggest tank EVAR was incenerated in the explosion of their own guns...

And with that the crew of teh biggest tank EVAR was incenerated in the explosion of their own guns...

ooc: Serves them right. Anyone who even THINKS of operating this monstrouSHITY deserves the Kaboom-ashion they will ultimately receive. :D

Bump!

OMg well by like 10,00 of these tnks *money wired* tanksveryverymcuh11!!111!

"are you kidding" for teh spd meens at laest 40 kph, right? and cna the canon fire nuke shels?

ooc: I don't know whether you're joking or serious.

ooc: I don't know whether you're joking or serious.

mor $$$ wyered

I can count my brain cells dying....

ooc: Yup, my next design shall be more stultifying.

It's right up there with the 'Goat launching Viking boat...'

See it here! (http://www.well-of-souls.com/homeworld/hws/hw2/goat_thrower.htm)

Madness.

Utter madness.

Although... If you gave it a much smaller armament, stripped the armour back more, and perhaps cut down on the size, it would be one hell of a ride, for a tripped out Recreational Vehicle. (I have an urge to go Shooban hunting, where do I sign up for the safari?)