Kaukolastan
10-04-2005, 06:51
Ahem...
For far too long, we, the good, civilized people of Kaukolastan, have put up with the insipid behavior of our fellow alliance members. They have stolen from us, lied to us, and been all around asshats in public view. Real chode lickers, the lot of them. After all this malcontent behavior, it is our sad decision to eject the following nations from the Alliance: Armed Lumberjacks, Transnapastain, and Nailiak. Yes, these are the only other members of the Inner Circle, besides ourselves, but there’s only so long we can let this “Council” remain a barely disguised bukake, with the Charter as the poor bastard in the middle. As of now, it is officially “on”.
However, we are a just people, and so we will air our reasons for this action, putting the flagrant displays of asinine behavior in the public stockade.
First Off, Transnapastain:
We respect religion. We really do! We have a proud history of culture and theology ourselves, but there comes a point where the line between belief and insanity is crossed. Did you know that you arrested one of our staffers the other day for drinking? Did you know that he was in his house? In our nation? Christ on a pogo-stick, we had to have our embassy staff trained in recognizing your officials, and the criterion was “bigger the hat, bigger the power”. Your priests have itty bitty skullcaps, your bishops have puffy jobs, the higher offices range from a tophat to a fucking candelabra. It looks like the Executor is wearing a goddamned wedding cake, complete with dancing dolls and rotating levels! Does it play “Gloria” when he taps it?
On that topic, is that name pronounced “Ex-ec-cu-tor”, like the primary actor of a will, or “Exec-utor”? We’ve had several of your staff call it the latter, which is disturbing, because that’s not even a word. The word you’re looking for is “Executioner”, and we sure hope your head of state isn’t a gimp in a black mask with a halberd. Last time one of our people pulled a mask over someone’s face, it wasn’t “state” that was headed.
Oh, and about security. We’re going to start charging you every time we have to pull your ass out of the fire. You had a drug problem… we cleaned it up. You managed to get your Chancellery taken over by a cartel of moron terrorists from, guess where, Nailiak. Not only did you lose your government to a bunch of ecofreaks, but you managed to get our ambassadors roped in, and made the Alliance look like a Carnival Sideshow with your bungling. Who had to clean it up? Us. Good God, we provide the air cover, the space power, the tech edge… the goddamn police work in your nation! Do we need to wipe your leaders’ mouths for them too? Clean their diapers? Is anybody even home over there? Do you want us to turn out the lights when we leave, because we can’t even FIND your people long enough to talk to them, before they invert themselves through their own asses.
You think you can run your own nation? We wouldn’t trust you to run a blender!
Next, in this Festival of Fops, Nailiak
Enough trees? Seriously, you need to check and make sure you don’t have a running group case of dendraphilia! Every four steps, there’s another tree. You have a channel devoted to them, and it keeps leaking into our broadcasts. Our citizens are trying to watch their vid-sets, and they keep getting what we dub “green noise” from your damn tree-loving circle jerk. Highways? Tree lined. Buildings? Filled with trees. Subways? Trees under skylights. Goddamn, just sign your damn accord with Greenpeace, get your load off, and join the civilized world in the wonderful luxuries of plastic, metal, and glass.
Oh, and besides this sickening obsession, what’s with your “believe and die” policy? Now, we suppose, living next door to a bunch of religio-fascists like Trans, you’d get pretty bitter, but this is horrid. One of our businessmen stated, “I swear to God”, and he was pile-driven by a bunch of raging pseudo-effeminate “men” who threatened to “open his mind from behind”. The only worse crime in your nation than religion is cutting down a tree, which makes us wonder, what would happen if someone cut down a tree and made a Bible from it?
And your Fearless Leader, Kailian… we get the joke. It’s the nation’s name, spelled backwards. Cute, really cute. When his ego inflates, it sends shockwaves over the seas, and people fall into the ocean over here. And that goatee? Maybe in the fifties, a goatee was “cool”; now you look like a queer, which sets a wonderful benchmark for your nation to jump through. A real “flaming” hoop, if you would.
Anyway, Kailian really needs to back off with the Lord Vader crap. The last three ambassadors you sent us were executed for “displeasing” him, and it’s real hard to get to know your people when they keep getting shot by Darth Kailian. We understand! You have real ultimate power! Quit flexing your POWAR!!11! by killing off random people! Do you get off on this or something? Do you do cock push ups at night to feel the burn? Here’s a suggestion: stop watching cheap sci-fi, and lose the goatee, oh Ming the Merciless. Cut down a tree, stop whining, find a chick, and get a real name!
PS: You know how hard it is to say “Nailiakian”? It’s worse than “Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers”, and we have to say it every Conference!
Lastly, Armed Lumberjacks:
Could you be any more of hicks? For Christ’s sake, we sent you that memo on Nuclear Power back in the fucking fifties, and you just now sent it back asking how we got “thet neet stamp to stae on the leter”. Get a fucking typist before you worry about nuclear physics, and we’ll get back to you.
Oh, and lose the Kalashnikovs. Yeah, it’s nice, having a gun that a five year old could fire, but please, at least a fourth of your population completed grade school, so why don’t you get a real modern firearm? “But theer simple!” you say. A rock is simple, too. A further note on weapons, would you please stop driving your outboard motor speedboats on the bow waves of our carriers? It’s really annoying, signing all those accident reports, and trying to find the “next of kin” when the whole family is entwined with itself. Seriously, there is no role of “Uncle-Dad”, so stop putting it on your papers.
Lastly, there are no such things as UFOs. Every time we fly over your nation, the military gets called to arms for an air invasion. When we check radar, you call it a “aleen invas-e-un”, when there are plainly NO SUCH THINGS IN THE SKY. You know what hovers, spins, and picks up people? A HELICOPTER, YOU CRACKERJACKS. When your ambassador relates to the embassy that a “UFO” abducted him and took him there, it is really embarrassing. It’s more embarrassing when you accuse our pilots of “probing” you. They are not Nailiakians, but more on that topic is above. As these are not UFOs, they should not be shot down and cut apart by farmers wielding the Kalashnikovs mentioned earlier. As an addendum to this, Channel Seven would like their helicopter back.
In Summary
This is on, biatches. We’re better than you, and we’re not afraid to let you know it. As of now, you are ejected by unanimous vote of… us. As of now, your ambassadors should be waking up in various shady hotels, in tubs of ice, with stitches on their sides. They have no kidneys... but in return, our hookers gave them herpes. You can find their limos at the bottom of the Corsingard river.
Have a nice day.
For far too long, we, the good, civilized people of Kaukolastan, have put up with the insipid behavior of our fellow alliance members. They have stolen from us, lied to us, and been all around asshats in public view. Real chode lickers, the lot of them. After all this malcontent behavior, it is our sad decision to eject the following nations from the Alliance: Armed Lumberjacks, Transnapastain, and Nailiak. Yes, these are the only other members of the Inner Circle, besides ourselves, but there’s only so long we can let this “Council” remain a barely disguised bukake, with the Charter as the poor bastard in the middle. As of now, it is officially “on”.
However, we are a just people, and so we will air our reasons for this action, putting the flagrant displays of asinine behavior in the public stockade.
First Off, Transnapastain:
We respect religion. We really do! We have a proud history of culture and theology ourselves, but there comes a point where the line between belief and insanity is crossed. Did you know that you arrested one of our staffers the other day for drinking? Did you know that he was in his house? In our nation? Christ on a pogo-stick, we had to have our embassy staff trained in recognizing your officials, and the criterion was “bigger the hat, bigger the power”. Your priests have itty bitty skullcaps, your bishops have puffy jobs, the higher offices range from a tophat to a fucking candelabra. It looks like the Executor is wearing a goddamned wedding cake, complete with dancing dolls and rotating levels! Does it play “Gloria” when he taps it?
On that topic, is that name pronounced “Ex-ec-cu-tor”, like the primary actor of a will, or “Exec-utor”? We’ve had several of your staff call it the latter, which is disturbing, because that’s not even a word. The word you’re looking for is “Executioner”, and we sure hope your head of state isn’t a gimp in a black mask with a halberd. Last time one of our people pulled a mask over someone’s face, it wasn’t “state” that was headed.
Oh, and about security. We’re going to start charging you every time we have to pull your ass out of the fire. You had a drug problem… we cleaned it up. You managed to get your Chancellery taken over by a cartel of moron terrorists from, guess where, Nailiak. Not only did you lose your government to a bunch of ecofreaks, but you managed to get our ambassadors roped in, and made the Alliance look like a Carnival Sideshow with your bungling. Who had to clean it up? Us. Good God, we provide the air cover, the space power, the tech edge… the goddamn police work in your nation! Do we need to wipe your leaders’ mouths for them too? Clean their diapers? Is anybody even home over there? Do you want us to turn out the lights when we leave, because we can’t even FIND your people long enough to talk to them, before they invert themselves through their own asses.
You think you can run your own nation? We wouldn’t trust you to run a blender!
Next, in this Festival of Fops, Nailiak
Enough trees? Seriously, you need to check and make sure you don’t have a running group case of dendraphilia! Every four steps, there’s another tree. You have a channel devoted to them, and it keeps leaking into our broadcasts. Our citizens are trying to watch their vid-sets, and they keep getting what we dub “green noise” from your damn tree-loving circle jerk. Highways? Tree lined. Buildings? Filled with trees. Subways? Trees under skylights. Goddamn, just sign your damn accord with Greenpeace, get your load off, and join the civilized world in the wonderful luxuries of plastic, metal, and glass.
Oh, and besides this sickening obsession, what’s with your “believe and die” policy? Now, we suppose, living next door to a bunch of religio-fascists like Trans, you’d get pretty bitter, but this is horrid. One of our businessmen stated, “I swear to God”, and he was pile-driven by a bunch of raging pseudo-effeminate “men” who threatened to “open his mind from behind”. The only worse crime in your nation than religion is cutting down a tree, which makes us wonder, what would happen if someone cut down a tree and made a Bible from it?
And your Fearless Leader, Kailian… we get the joke. It’s the nation’s name, spelled backwards. Cute, really cute. When his ego inflates, it sends shockwaves over the seas, and people fall into the ocean over here. And that goatee? Maybe in the fifties, a goatee was “cool”; now you look like a queer, which sets a wonderful benchmark for your nation to jump through. A real “flaming” hoop, if you would.
Anyway, Kailian really needs to back off with the Lord Vader crap. The last three ambassadors you sent us were executed for “displeasing” him, and it’s real hard to get to know your people when they keep getting shot by Darth Kailian. We understand! You have real ultimate power! Quit flexing your POWAR!!11! by killing off random people! Do you get off on this or something? Do you do cock push ups at night to feel the burn? Here’s a suggestion: stop watching cheap sci-fi, and lose the goatee, oh Ming the Merciless. Cut down a tree, stop whining, find a chick, and get a real name!
PS: You know how hard it is to say “Nailiakian”? It’s worse than “Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers”, and we have to say it every Conference!
Lastly, Armed Lumberjacks:
Could you be any more of hicks? For Christ’s sake, we sent you that memo on Nuclear Power back in the fucking fifties, and you just now sent it back asking how we got “thet neet stamp to stae on the leter”. Get a fucking typist before you worry about nuclear physics, and we’ll get back to you.
Oh, and lose the Kalashnikovs. Yeah, it’s nice, having a gun that a five year old could fire, but please, at least a fourth of your population completed grade school, so why don’t you get a real modern firearm? “But theer simple!” you say. A rock is simple, too. A further note on weapons, would you please stop driving your outboard motor speedboats on the bow waves of our carriers? It’s really annoying, signing all those accident reports, and trying to find the “next of kin” when the whole family is entwined with itself. Seriously, there is no role of “Uncle-Dad”, so stop putting it on your papers.
Lastly, there are no such things as UFOs. Every time we fly over your nation, the military gets called to arms for an air invasion. When we check radar, you call it a “aleen invas-e-un”, when there are plainly NO SUCH THINGS IN THE SKY. You know what hovers, spins, and picks up people? A HELICOPTER, YOU CRACKERJACKS. When your ambassador relates to the embassy that a “UFO” abducted him and took him there, it is really embarrassing. It’s more embarrassing when you accuse our pilots of “probing” you. They are not Nailiakians, but more on that topic is above. As these are not UFOs, they should not be shot down and cut apart by farmers wielding the Kalashnikovs mentioned earlier. As an addendum to this, Channel Seven would like their helicopter back.
In Summary
This is on, biatches. We’re better than you, and we’re not afraid to let you know it. As of now, you are ejected by unanimous vote of… us. As of now, your ambassadors should be waking up in various shady hotels, in tubs of ice, with stitches on their sides. They have no kidneys... but in return, our hookers gave them herpes. You can find their limos at the bottom of the Corsingard river.
Have a nice day.