NationStates Jolt Archive

An African man with cornrows and an overpriced sports jersey walks into the view of the camera.

"AI YO N*GGA! THIS BE PIMP MY---"

The African man went down in a hail of bullets from somewhere off camera as a Chrysler 300 with a spiked front bumper and an M134 minigun turret drove onto screen, running over the African Man's chest and deflating it like a balloon, with gory results.

An asian man in fatigues got up out of the car.

"Now, welcome to Militarize my Ride, I'm your host David Chang."

Message To NS: Feel free to submit random cars for me to militarize.

"Now, the way our show works is like this: We find a pathetically unarmored, unprotected car, and we modify for our own uses."

"Now, momentarily, we will find our first victim."

ford fiesta :D

"Hi, my name is Sue, I have a '86 Station Wagon. Can you please Militarize it?" syas a woman in the crowd.

The call light blinked, and when David picked it up the guy on the other end wasted no time in talking.
"Yes, hi, I went down to my second hand dealer here nearby, and I bought a car. I started driving, and I realised it was really unsteady through the corners, at some points it nearly toppled. Anything with four wheels shouldn't handle so badly, what can you do about it?"
http://uk.geocities.com/tradcarclub/images/ReliantRobin.JPG



ooc: Note the three wheels;)

ooc: I'll keep that in mind. Momanguise asked first. And I can't take every request.

"Now, we have our first victim in a parking lot here... What's this?"

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/e/e0/Cars-stanleysteamcar-amoswolfe.jpg

David walked up to the driver, a british gentleman:

"Now sir, what's your name?"

ooc: MOMANGUISE? *checks thread, then checks again*
Where?

ooc: he's the one that sent me the car pic.

It was at this point that there was an almighty roar and a great popping noise that could only be described as akin to the firing of a machine gun. Around the corner sped a sight that was....well....indescribable. The car (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/e/e0/Cars-stanleysteamcar-amoswolfe.jpg) that came round the corner let out an almighty blast of steam as the driver, a goggle faced twit with a bushy moustache hammered the horn which gave a great Poop-Poop! which sent the birds affright. As he gradually came nearer (it would have been faster if he walked) he leaned from the open top and he called “What-ho! I just got the invite, sounds like a jolly rum time, eh what what?”

ooc: Sanctaphrax, I'll get you next.

"Welcome to Militarize My Ride, sir. May our technicians inspect your vehicle?"

A pack of technicians cursorily inspected the vehicle.

"Now, let's take it to the garage..."

The garage was just that, a garage, but it was for tanks...

OOC: This is funny as hell! Let me find a car!

"Now sir, tell us about this car, what is it and where did you find it?"

The man gave an absurd smile that seemed to reach his ears, "Well sir, as the thirteenth Earl Thistlewick of Spongfield, this car is a relic that has been passed down from father to son for two generations. I understand it's a gem. Wizard!"

"Although we wish to militarize this vehicle, there's nothing like that old school 19th century feel."

"Anyway... On with the modifications."

"What we need to do first is...."

The Technicians began riveting on 19th century steel armor plate to the hood and doors of the car.

Also, a maxim gun for mowing down angry natives was mounted on a swivel in the back seat.

"Also, some luxury is needed, this car is after all the vehicle of a British nobleman or colonial governor."

24 karat trimmings were added as well as chrome and gold hubcaps. The seats were made plusher and the wood repolished.

"And of course, the coal loader's seat (note: it's a steam car) has to be improved."

An automatic coal loader controlled by the loader was added, as well as a small stand for a Lee-Enfield carbine or a Winchester 30-30.

Video Feed:

Hi, my name is Karl and I'm a rich fucking bastard, but I want you to militarize my ride! This is my cheapest car and I think I can afford to get it totally f-cked by you guys! So please, militarize my ride!

http://www.alfaromeo.com/ALFAROMEO_COM/uploads/1006/1073788115/20030611/MO_KVb_I_00.jpg

"Oh...well sir, this is awfully brash isn't it? I mean, lets not be rash about this..."

He petterd out as he caught site of the Maxim Gun as it was lowered shining and glinting onto the frame. His features lit up and a childlike gleam of awe crept into his eyes, and the next words came out in a confused gabble of misplaced syllables. "Is that a Maxim? Not a dear old Maxim? My father had one just like this, relic of Africa he said. Oh this taught a fair few blackies their lesson I can tell you."

He shook the hand of David Chang as he climbed into the car and, cackling with glee, drove it into the sunset. "Farewell Mr Chang," he called behind him, "Now I'm off to mow down some Wogs!"

As his words faded on the wind, the engine groaned and Chang could just make out the enourmous fireball as he smashed into a nearby glue factory.

"Next up... some man from err.... Sanctaphrax"

David listened to the call tape.

"Let's see what we can do."

Later in the man's driveway.

"A 3 wheeled car? Ehm... ok, let's meet the owner."

Ricks face fell and he quickly dropped to the floor to examine the car.
"THREE WHEELS! Damnit, I got ripped off!"

"Calm down sir, we'll make it so that this car is blowing up the dealer by tommorow."

"Now, what this thing needs desperately is 4 wheels... By repositioning the transmission...."

The technicians went to work immediately.

"Also, you need armor on this thing, I'm gonna suggest some CHOBAM and AERA-II blocks. The windshields are reinforced LEXAN composites."

"Your new engine is a 6.6L V-12 Turbodiesel."

"Some AWD... and... a weapon..."

"How about 2 remote controlled MK-19 GMGs on the roof..."

Sergei Ilyanov points at his broken down BMW Z8. "Militarize that."

Ricks eyes zoomed out of focus as soon as the guy started talking. "Wha? WHAT YOU DOING TO MY CAR!?!?!?!"

a vintage east Czech trabant

yo M to the P militarize my ride

http://img165.exs.cx/img165/3359/cztrabant1jx.th.jpg (http://img165.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img165&image=cztrabant1jx.jpg)

"Just trust me Rick... Just trust me..."

The technicians were bolting on the MK-19s already... they were fast workers.

Rick scrambled to his feet, looking in shock as the mechanics took apart his car, adding stuff, taking stuff away. "That was the car I've been saving up to buy for three years, now you take it apart! I THINK NOT!"
He looked around, and his eyes fell on the toolbox. Lifting it, he threw it bodily at one of the mechanics, connecting with his chest. The hammer rolled out of it, hammer in hand. He smiled and advanced on the remaining mechanics. "Nobody messes with my car!"

David sighed... No one ever read the fine print...

He hit Rick over the head with his bare fist, knocking him out cold, then tied him up and stuffed him into the trunk so the mechanics could finish.

Rick sighed as he was punched, and his body went limp. The hammer however, dropped straight onto David's foot, and that was not a weight to be ignored.

David looked calm.

"Well in one second, I will without a doubt violate a few obscenity laws in some nations."

"FUCK THAT HURT! PIECE OF SHIT MOTHERFUCKER DROPPED A HAMMER ON ME! FUCKING ASSHOLE!" (and so on)

The shouting woke Rick up, and he started punching the boot of the car, a hatchback. He wrapped his shirt around his fist and slammed it into the window, smashing it. He roared and went straight for Davids throat. "MEEE..... MAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDD!"

ooc: edited the post to make it seem more realistic.

"Hi. Can you please Militarize MY Ride!?" one youth not much older then 18 said to the host.

http://www.wristwatchphotos.com/images/watchcam/wqv_3/new_york/today/today_00008.jpg

ooc: edited the post to make it seem more realistic.
ooc: Edited slightly, posts basically the same.

"And we installed Neo-LEXAN windshields that can stop a 15mm SABOT round. It's also soundproof you can hear Rick's face distort comically as he screams."

"HOLY SHIT! HE BROKE THROUGH!"

David headbutted Rick in the teeth, then repeatedly kneed him in the crotch and slammed his head on the windshield of the car until he stopped moving.

"Oh well, he's dead now. Meh, let's go the next customer."

"The next customer is from Spain... his name is Karl and he claims to be a rich fuck of some sort."

"So, Karl, tell us about this Alfa Romeo."

Karl adressed the camera in his retarted preppy voice,"Yes, this is my baby, and I love it, but it's my cheapest car and I really, really, would like to see it a bit different. Like you know, like, spice it up with some of that technical mumbo jump... *gay laugh*ahahaha..you're the expert, not me...ahahaha... do what you want to with it big boys!"

Emperor Antonius grumbles as he points to his preferred conveyance.

"Militarize this..."

http://www.alligatorbob.com/_showbikes/gatorbin/Harley%20bags1.jpg

"Hmm... if you're rich, you'll either be swamped with fans, folks that protest your company's environmental policies, or a mob hired by your siblings to annoy you because you got a bigger share of daddy's money."

"So, we'll be installing an ARENA hardkill system and AERA II blocks around the car, with some MEXAS/CHOBAM plate. For $1 million extra, you get buckyball plate for your whole car. We'll be beefing up the engine to a 1000hp monster engine."

"The windshields will be thick Neo-LEXAN. The droptop will be made from nanofiber tubing that can stop all known police munitions."

"We can hide 3-4 reloadedble ATGMs in the trunk."

"Also, we can mount a 6.8mm joystick controlled minigun on a retractable stalk, it only works if you have the top down."

Karl heard silently and then replied,"Oh woo, great, great! I'm going to be driving a tank soon! Watch out people because there's a new boy in town. Woo, woo. Hell yes! CHOBHAM, sounds like Chopped Ham..*gay laugh*ahahahaha, ahahahaha. Good just boys."

"Our next victim can be taken care of in a pinch."

To the Emperor Antonius:
http://www.bikemenu.com/photos/military/050.jpg

"There's an optional gunstalk that can mount either an XM-214 minigun or an ATGM launcher. The helmet contains a targeting system for the weapons."

Antonius laughed with evil glee as he jumped onto his newly militarized Harley, and departed in search of Shoobans and small deaf children to chase down and terrify into awe and submission with his ferocious and manly vehicle.

"Hi. Can you please Militarize MY Ride!?" one youth not much older then 18 said to the host.

http://www.wristwatchphotos.com/images/watchcam/wqv_3/new_york/today/today_00008.jpg

bump

*aplauds loudly*

TAG

"Well, here's someone with a compact car.... this is tough. Tell us why you got such a small car?"

"Well, here's someone with a compact car.... this is tough. Tell us why you got such a small car?"

"Well, it was the only car I could afford really. Its clean and don't use gas. Its electric you see." the kid told the host, before he saw the camera in his face. "HI MOM! I'M ON TV!! WEEEEEEEEEEE!!"

"Electric huh?"

"Hmm... the battery shall be replaced with a varible discharge high powered capacitor, the electric motor output ability will be doubled... and also..."

The frame and skin of the car was replaced by an electric reactive armor system that could deliver a huge shock over a brief period of time to anyone within 20m of the car.

Rolling off of the planes ramp Anthony drove to the studio of this new show in his dads old Mustang. He walked up to the receptionist and asked to be next on the show.

"Ok, here's our next customer... A mustang I see, what year?"

"Its a 73."

"Hmm... this needs Vietnam Weaponry and Muscle Car era power."

"Your new engine is a supercharged 427."

"There will be a .50 caliber on top in a turret. It's mounted riverboat style."

"The rear, are tanks full of napalm tubed to flamethrowers in the front, the formula is 100% Vietnam Era Napalm."

"Oh and also, the glove compartment is loaded with Agent Orange Grenades."

Hey you person try to militarize my ride.......
It (http://www.oldtin.com.au/cars/31pickup.jpg)
I bought it for 5 Red Golds (My currency)

"Next up, Sergei from the Island of Rose. Dear GOD! What happened to that BMW Z8? (It's wrecked)."

The BMW Z8 has no wheels, the engine is dead, the paint job is scratched, the steering wheel is bent, it has no bender, and it has no gasolone. "Take a look."

"Well, how did it get that way?"

Sergei paused. "It involved a midget, a banana, and a transvestite."

"Ooook... anyway... this needs a fix up..."

3 weeks later...

"Alright, your new BMW has a LEXAN windshield, nanofiber droptop, a V12, MEXAS armor with an ARENA hardkill system and AERA II and of course, a stalk mounted minigun. Also, the trunk has a 3500 sound system for broadcasting Rosian Propaganda."

Sergei raised his brow. "That's it?"

All of a sudden a black armored SUV with two miniguns mounted on top, a coax on the back and on the front which was 7.62mm, a big dish for calling in air strikes, and two side compartments with five Hellfire rockets each, arrived. And the door opened. "Now if you excuse me, I'm going to go to work."

And drove away he did.

The minigun on the Z8, operated by David via remote control, blew out the 2 miniguns on top of SUV, the 2 back tires, the rear axle and riddled back window with bullets.

"Just try the fucking car man."

Sergei mumbled and walked towards the BMW Z8. He noticed a red button, pressed it... and well. The car went into freakish speeds. "FUCK YOU!" He said as the car sped away.

Jumping into his own car Anthony saw the chance to test things out. He sprayed the rest of the Rosian car with his Napalm flamethrowers before testing out one of his Agent Orange grenades on it.

"Now the beat up old thing..."

"New bodywork, new windshield, a 427 V10 like the Mustang's, AWD, an enclosed rear area with a .50 caliber machinegun and several TOWs, MEXAS, NxERA and a raised up ride height."

"Oh, and fuzzy dice in the windshield, you need that."

"The name is Jonathan Small. Can you militarize one of my three cars?" said a man about 26 years old with blonde spiky hair.

Car one (http://alexander108.com/images/Miscellany/Little_Cars/Messerschmidt.JPG)
Car two (http://homepages.force9.net/bowden/models/lambretta-car.jpg)
Car three (http://ps2media.ign.com/media/news/image/gtcars/rsc.jpg)

"Yo, foo. The name's B.A. Baracus. I need you foos to militarize my ride? What is my ride you asked? This...this is my ride..."

The overly musclize black man steps to the side, hands moving to show off a black with red '83 GMC G-series van. After a few moments, B.A. steps back into the main view of the camera. Natural light gleams off of rows of gold chain as the man smirks. Arms cross over a strong chest covered in overalls.

"Now, I typically don't let anyone mess wit my van. This is a special case though. I want to see what YOU!"

A hand moves, near instanting pointing a finger towards the camera.

"I want to see what you foos can do to muh van!"

Pat Jenkman, a lanky, 26-year old man with black hair, wearing khakis, a black hoodie and black round sunglasses, drove into the Garage's parking lot. He stepped out of his car and set up a camcorder.

RECORD

Hey Chang! It's easy to militarize a pickup or a van or whatnot, but let's see what you can do with THIS!

*grabs the camera and points it... at his White 1998 Volkswagen Beetle (http://www.germanautohaus.com/images/inventory/mvc-007f.jpg)*

Just try to Militarize my Ride!

STOP

He walked in and handed the tape to the receptionist.

A young girl, situated in the audience was bawling and screaming for the microphone, when it was given to her she screeched into the mic with words directed at the man from NSR, "Hey, mistah, shut the hell up!!!" She calmed down slightly but still screeched as she screamed into the mic "I WANT YOU TO MILITARIZE MY CYCLE!" Her head jerked in that sassy way and pointed to a pink tricycle parked in the aisle. It had flowers painted on it along with little glittering streamers on the handlebars. It aslo had a little horn which she promptly squeezed about thirteen trillion times until she had the entire audience's attention.


Her parents, situated behind of her, quickly came alive, "Dammit Vlad, she's getting active again!"

The father gritted his teeth, "Alright, alright, I'll get her this time." The wife handed him a little case while the kid was banging on something to keep the audience's attention. He opened the case and produced a syringe filled with a dark liquid... He quickly jabbed it into her neck and she let loose an ear shattering scream before toppling onto the senior citizens in the row ahead of her... "Uhh.." he coughed, "Sorry about that everyone, she has this... Uhh... Disorder... Umm, yeah, please, militarize her ride or she'll get... really... nasty." He frowned and lightly waved his hands before pulling the now comatose child back into her seat before the two sat down themselves.

A crazy-looking, white-haired old man in the audience stood up after the little girl's scream knocked him over. He then yelled at the announcer, "Hey buddy, can you fix up my TIME MACHINE?!!1", gesturing franctically at this car:

http://www.chesco.com/~silknitt/probert/end.jpg

ooc: My god are the requests piling up fast... Little disturbed girl goes first....

"Alrighty.... now the tricycle..."

"First this needs to painted in an aggresive, militaryesque color... err.... urbanwarfare camo."

"This new horn shall broadcast loudly and at a frequency that causes extreme stress, psychological damage and annoyance to any lifeform that hears it."

"Also, a 21 speed gear shifter and a GPS system was added."

ooc: Now to Beetle.

"A beetle..."

"First, AWD will be added and the engine shall be a twin turbo 3.0 liter V6 making 350 horsepower."

"Secondly, this car shall be painted a flat dark green that absorbs all known radar bands."

"Thirdly the rear seat will be removed and replaced with a shortbarreled 125mm mortar."

F150 pickup (http://www.prairielinks.com/P5120001.jpg), presented by the Sarzonian division of Ford Motor Company.

http://alexander108.com/images/Miscellany/Little_Cars/Messerschmidt.JPG

"This car, where did you find it?"

By now, the effects of the motor oil jabbed into her neck were wearing off, it had run its course through her brain and was quickly clogging up in her heart, which was being drained by a small pump and the oil was being dumped into a small removable sack which would be emptied in a few days at her next visit to the doctor. Her eyes fluttered open and she stared in awe at her transformed tricycle.

She quickly let loose a screech as she climbed onto the bike and began furiouzly pedalling around, up stairs, down stairs, everywhere, her energy had no bounds... She suddenly stopped and her eyes grew wide, staring at the horn. She quickly began banging on the horn, repeatedly slamming it so it produced an endless stream of mind numbing noise. She grinned proudly as she drove around the crowd, blasting the horn, seemingly unaffected.


The mother was on her knees, bawling as she screamed, "VLAD! GET HER!"

The father muttered to himself and stood up, one ear exposed as he winced to the noise... He dug behind the seat and lifted up a duffel bag. His eyes flew open and he collapsed due to the noise. He slowly got up again and ruffled through the bag, occasionally stopping to comfort his mind. Finally, he produced a modified SR-180D .50 BMG sniper rifle, in parts of course, and quickly put them together. He gritted his teeth as he lugged the cannon into the aisle, he fell down and quickly set up the cannon, its barrel aimed down towards the floor of the area. He quickly threw open the bolt and cycled it. His daughter came pedaling around the bend and up the ramp towards him. He winced as the horn was now aimed at him, he aligned the chevrons in the scope and put the bead on her chest. He slipped the safety off and pulled the trigger. A cannon-like roar erupted and the cannon slid back into his shoulder, sliding him partially up the ramp.

The horn stopped and if anybody had been looking they would've seen this girl flying through the air, a pop bottle-sized dart lodged in her chest. She rolled across the floor before finally stopping. By now, the dart was empty, it had secreted the 18 ounces of motor oil directly into her heart where it would be brought up to her brain, central nervous system, and spine to completely deaden her and put her in a coma.

Vladimir slowly stood up before looking around... He quickly ran down to her and pulled the needle from her chest, it had an impressive four inch long needle, which was now smeared with blood and oil. He threw it aside and threw the little girl over his shoulder as he dragged her up the stairs, grabbing the tricycle on the way. "Come on Svetlana, we're going, I'll start the car. Now, don't forget the rifle when you come, that's all we need to do is buy another one of those things... Damn devil child already killed forty three kids with the last eighteen of them before throwing the rifles at assorted homeless people."

The mother slowly stood up, collecting a few nearby things before following after her husband who began a sprint to get out of there, before exiting he quickly yelled back, "Oh, I almost forgot... THANKS FOR RUINING OUR LIVES!" He started to uncontrolably cry as he ran the rest of the way to the car...

http://alexander108.com/images/Miscellany/Little_Cars/Messerschmidt.JPG

"This car, where did you find it?"

"My dad found it. I don't know where he got it? You know what it is?" asked Mr. Small.

"To be honest, I have no idea what that is... but we can do something about it...."

A while later:

"Now, this remodified car has a Perspex bulb and an oxygen filter. Also it's fully battery powered, allowing it to submerge and travel underwater with the new propeller that replaces the rear wheel."

"Also, a single small torpedo has been mounted to the bottom."

Jumping up and down, Mr. Small said "I got me a submarine now." Hoping in it, he said “Y’all can have my other cars. Bye.” The car slowly submerged in the nearby lake.

a vintage east Czech trabant

yo M to the P militarize my ride

http://img165.exs.cx/img165/3359/cztrabant1jx.th.jpg (http://img165.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img165&image=cztrabant1jx.jpg)

cough , eh hem

ooc:

"Ah... a nice little car from the Soviet Bloc. How old?"

bumP!(

B
uMP!

Commercial Break After I'm finished this current car.

Bump!

Kroblexskij
GET YOUR ASS IN HERE DAMNIT!

ooc: Alright Screw this, Kroblexskij, i'm not doing your car.

"We'll now be taking a short commercial break..."

Commercial #1:

A famous rapper walks into a darkened basketball court like setting, the Camera is at foot level with emphasis on his shoes.

"YO CONSUMERS! THESE ARE MY SHOES! MY NIKE AIR BLINGS! BUY THESE SHOES! I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE ON WELFARE, I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE IN A THIRD WORLD SETTING, I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE NO LEGS! BUY THESE SHOES! WHY? BECAUSE I'M WEARING THESE SHOES CURRENTLY! AND I'M FAMOUS, SO BE LIKE ME AND WEAR THESE SHOES! (only $650 a pair)."

Commercial #2:

A rich playboy exits the civilian version of this car (http://forums2.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=405720) : with a hot date in tow at a high class party in some Hollywood like setting.

"Pwnage Motorsports; because the size of your penis is inversely proportional to the size of your wallet."

OOC: Psst. Don't forget about my car.

(sorry the response is so late... I couldn't find the thread, lol)

Once the show cut to commercial, Pat stood slackjawed at his new car... then jumped in and drove off to cause Lord-Knows-What kind of destruction.

A few minutes later, a large explosion was heard... and the faint sound of someone shouting "THANKS CHANG!!!".

Commercial #3:

*A rocket is taking off.*

"Soviet Vodka. Powering Russian Rockets since 1983."

ooc:lmao dude thats funny commercials

Commercial #4:

*A deer is pissing in a stream somewhere in Canada*

"You don't always know what goes into your bottled water."

"Buy Pwnage Pur H2O."

Commercial #3, Variant #2:

*A blind man reading a braille newspaper gropes for the bottle of vodka on his desk. He accidentally pours some into his lap.*

"Soviet Vodka. Making people blind since 1962."

Commercial #5:

*Some rich kids are playing with some expensive looking toy.*

"These children are depending on you to support them. By contributing just $24 a month to a corporation near you, you can ensure that these children get the life they deserve. Contribute now."