NationStates Jolt Archive

Dear sirs and madams of the international, interregional, intercontinental community,

I write this letter as a plea for your attention and assistance. We are a small region, a delicate region, a region perched on the very brink of destruction. In spite of our small size and modest ambitions, the people of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy have hearts as big as all of Texas, as big as the American midwest. So, rather than resort to violence against an enemy as overwhelming as the Liberal Media, we figgered we first oughta try and reach out to your hearts, to gain your compassion for our plight and thus avoid bloodshed.

You see, the problem is with our airspace. The Liberal Media have built transmitters all along the border and violate our airspace again and again, slipping their subversive and unpatriotic messages into our airspace like a greasy wienie into an unwilling schoolgirl. This would be no problem, except for the fact that there is only so much airspace available! The VRWCCC reports that the airwaves are so clogged with the venom of the Liberal Media demagogues that we don't have enough bandwith for FOX News, for Rush, for Carlson Tucker, for Sean Hannity! Oh, the Hannity of it all! They are depriving our avid radio listeners of their regional treasures.

The most offensive nations are P BONIA, who uses UN funding and personnel to power and staff these hateful radio station (he's a regular Kofi Annan, if you get my meaning); Jonitania, who is an outspoken advocate of degenerate practices such as oral-genital stimulation and coin-operated devices offering sexual services; You Forgot Poland, whose very name mocks all that is decent and moral in this world; and, last but least least, Suffra. Oh, how my breath curdles at the speaking of that name. The he-devil of the radical left, the bomb-thrower. The man claims to love cripples and minorities, but I have seen him, with these very eyes, knock a small retarded boy unconsious simply because the lad's wheelchair was blocking the aisle at a movie theater. And the movie: Kinsey. They're all communistic loose degenerate atheist socialists.

Please, world. Bring the pressure of the world to bear on this problem. Bring economic sanctions, bring the lash, bring peacekeepers. Please. We beg you.

Sincerely, Boss Hawg

The Blue Meenie, the official title of the Emperor of Tokarev, looked over the reports with concern.

"Max! Come here right this moment! We've got trouble with the Liberal Media again!"

"Again? Have we ever heard of them before?"

"You fool! The Liberal Media are the ones that said I was gay!"

"Sir ... can you put your pants back on?"

"Umm ... no. Anyway, we need to destroy the Liberal Media before they expose the truth ... by which I mean make up more subversive lies!"

"How do you propose to do that?"

"Simple, Max. PRESS THE BUTTON!"

"Pardon?"

"PRESS THE BUTTON!"

"Button? Wha-"

"PRESS IT!"

"B-"

"PRESS THE #*%*@&%#* BUTTON!"

"SIR! What button? What the deuce are you talkin about?"

"The n00k BUTTON!!!111"

"Why did you just say '1111' after shouting button?"

"PRESS IT!"

With a heavy sigh, Max saluted. "Yes, sir. I'm pressing the button right now."

"WHAT?! Don't you know what you've done?!"

"Apparently not."

"You fool! The Liberal Media will be all over us for pressing the button."

"I didn't press any button. There is no button."

"HOW DARE YOU NOT FOLLOW MY ORDERS! PRESS THE BUTTON!"

At that moment, a bird flew into the window of the Blue Meenie's underground office bunker. And yes, it can happen. Seriously. Trust me.

"NOOO! The Liberal Media! Max! Where can we go to escape the Liberal Media?"

"Argentina?"

The vast right wing conspiracy are terrorizoristers, suiciderers, and fliperfloperers who's only goal in this world is to prevent the fight against badness (see Lord Suffra's previous press releases and military operations against badness)

I have made it my goal to eliminate badness in this fine world of ours, and that includes the ever so bad, "Axle of Badness"(The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy).

The time has come to ask the question of all questions, are you with us (good) or are you against us (badness).

Now keep in mind, I don't care to hear any replies from "Old Nation States World", I want to hear from "New Nation States World," Like the fine oppressed people of You Forgot Poland and the rest of the coalition against badness.

Badness is a silent killer, it infects our airwaves, threatens our way of life. It is my proposal to eliminate all badness in this fine world by wiping the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy off the map...

any questions about my quest, to joing the coalition against badness, to send fan mail, to send hatemail... please send a message to the Liberal Media's UN delegate. The Empire of P bonia

Einhauser has heard your plight and would be willing to sell you an indiscriminate amount of white-noise generators. These small, easy to conceal devices could be inserted by small commando teams onto or near the radio broadcast towers that are giving you so much trouble. when activated, these devilish little boxes would produce such a large magnitude of static as to overwhelm and incapacitate the broadcasting equipemtn, rendering it useless. Although easy to detect, these devices are cheap and expendible, so you can replace them at any time. We would be willing to sell you a crate of 500 devices for only $1.6 million.

I would like to point out that Suffra did not forget You Forgot Poland in the glorious coalition against badness.

Another incursion has occurred this morning! While driving to my blue-collar, workaday job as CEO of NorthrupGrummanBoeingGMLockheedCo., what do I tune on my radio but more trespassing radiowaves from the Liberal Media!

The transmission was lengthy and revolting, much like the implements the Liberal Medians are certain to use when robbing the sweet, wholesome womenfolk of the VRWC of their virtue if their aggression is allowed to continue unchecked. To pick out a few of the more repulsive and perverse segments of the broadcast, the Liberal Media bombarded our televisions and radios with propaganda promoting homosexual marriages; promoting queer culture generally through a network codenamed "Bravo" (other letters of the code were lost in transmission); they attempt to brainwash our youth into fast living and irresponsible hedonism with advertisements for programs like "Social Security" and "Medicare"; and finally, there was mention of the botched boob job of someone called "Tara Reid." Our analysts can only conclude that this last transmission was some sort of coded message to a Liberal Media operative working in deep cover within the VWRC.

This will not stand! We VRWCans must draw a line in the air! White noise generators simply do not go too far enough! We need to build our own, more powerful transmitters along the Liberal Media's borders. Unfortunately, our developing economy cannot absorb the expense of so many gigawatts of pure Liberal-jamming power. Yet the expense is necessary. And so we turn to the world for aid. Please. We need UN to deploy emergency diskjockeys immediately.

Here's a solution for you:

Change all you're military coms equipment over the comercial bands and suddenly these nastry liberals are carrying out an act of war agaisnt your nation...

Or of course your companies could divert soem of thier CEO's wages into biulding your own stations and transmitters, but that might be a bit too centerist for you

The diplomat from Strathdonia has just pointed out that (as per the VWRC Media-Military-Industrial Complex Consolidation Act of March 3, 2005), the Liberal Media has been illegally broadcasting over VWRC military channels and has thus committed an act of war!

We don't want to fight, but they have left us no choice. We must reply to their unchecked aggression in kind, with preemptive decapitation strikes against their national capitols and film and radio archives. It is with a heavy heart that we will push this red button, but we do it to protect the dignity and honor of the womenfolk of the VRWC.

As a side note, the offending transmission, occurring at 3:26 a.m. on March 3, mere seconds after the passage of the MMICC Act, was the rebroadcast of an episode of something called "Mr. Show." In lieu of the Tomahawk strike plan outlined above (hereafter "Plan A"), we will also accept the head of one David Cross as an overture of peace (hereafter "Plan B").

There is a massive build up of military force on the border of The vast right wing conspiracy. A commander only known as che guevara is on standby. What comes next is...........dependent on u.

(Boss Hawg waits nervously in his seat in the UN assembly while his interpreter translates the P BONIAN delegate's threats to a shocked world.)

Boss Hawg, Boss of Boss Hawg: You see! You see! Overt threats of violence from the Liberal Media! It is as we have suspected all along! The radio broadcasts were part of a larger offensive, sort of an attack on the hearts and minds of Boss Hawg, designed to dull the intellect and erode the moral foundation of our upstanding region! But their vanguard troops have failed. Attention, Liberal Media: We have Jon Stewart! He is being held as an enemy combatant in an undisclosed location!

We call upon the delegate from Grey Hills to assist us in our hour of need. There are a few items we will be needing in order to ensure the continued safety and security of our region. Our needs are quite modest. We require only the humble materiel that any nation needs to keep its borders safe. A partial list follows:

8 "Striker" Fast-Deployment Divisions

15 Bomber Squadrons

10 tons of VX gas

15 tons of weaponized anthrax

A few thousand R-300 9K72 Elbrus / SS-1C SCUD-B missiles

A few thousand BGM-109s

A couple tanker trucks full of "Kill-Em-Dead-n-All"(tm) brand reservoir contaminant

Surely the UN recognizes that we desperately need these items in order to defend the honor and virtue of our womenfolk from the rapacious Liberal Medians.

A young peasent from the vast right wing conspiracy was looking out in to the see pondering what will happen to him and and all the good that can come out of the liberal media. Then suddenly a massive object begins to form in the horizon.

"what could it be" he ponders

Suddenly a NIMITZ Class nuclear powered carrier battle group appears not 1 but 2.

He shi*ts himself and then begins to wonder about being free for a moment.

You see! The nations of the LIberal Media Pact (hereinafter LIMP nations) continue their unprovoked aggression!

In addition to all their other heinous crimes and violations of the Geneva convention (which, I might note, are a little surprising coming from such an Euro-loving bunch), I hereby tender the above Bonian post as incontrovertible evidence of godmoding!!!11!

What right has the P Bonian delegate to decide when, where, or how severely the citizens of the VRWC shit themselves? While certain members of the Liberal Media might delight in coprophilia, water sports, and autoerotic asphyxiation, the VRWC does not endorse shitty britches except among those too young or too old to control themselves. For those unfortunate few, we endorse Huggies and Depends, respectively.

Again I say that the Liberal Medians are free to dabble in their own doo doo butter to their bleeding hearts' content, but we, the citizens of the VRWC, would greatly appreciate it if they would refrain from speculating about our bodily functions. Please, LIMP nations, stay off our airwaves and immediately cease attempting to stain our good name as you so ruthlessly stain your undies with the mighty hot ones produced by yesterday's Monster Thickburger value meal.

If thats godmoding, then you saying that we built transmitters all along the border and violate your airspace again and again is what now? oh yeah GODMODING. Who are you to say what we have done.

Oh, boot's on the other foot now, huh?

But now you're saying that we said that you said you built transmitters? So it's not enough that you say that we shit ourselves, but now you also gotta say what we said? It's not enough that you put radiowaves in our airspace and shits in our britches, now you gotta put words in our mouths too? You're just compounding your crimes.

Will the UN stenographer please take note of the P BONIAN delegate's recockulous allegations?

Look, I kept the telegram! I have proof:

Dear Boss Hawg: We r bilding tranzmitturs to send you some good music and some talk showz. Please enjoy thees showz. TV Guide says that Bone Plan for the Straight Man is fun and educkational. Dick Cheny is teh suxx0rz! Hahas, P Bonia!

Need I say more, gentle delegates of the assembly?

Hello. I am emporer of the Holy Republic of Lumens. We are against all illegal forms of communication, and for it violation airspace. We hereby side with the right wing, because they are not violating anything.
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(Liberal transmitters) <here we come!
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(liberal transmitters) :mp5: :mp5: :mp5: :sniper:
(liberal transmitters) :mp5: :mp5: :mp5: :mp5: :sniper:
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(lbal tsmisesr) :p

Its a conspiracy. Liars. Thats what your region is based upon LIES and Crapping.

Look what I found in my telegrams. Looks like a conspiracy. So you built them and made us look bad.

We are going to build transmitters in our region can you send a few messages to check the strength, we will take care of the rest.

Thank you Lumens, for the support and firepower. I hereby tender the P BONIAN delegate's obviously falsified telegram to the assembly. In light of his hostile stance; his willingness to godmode my britches full of his liberal shits; his massing of troops on our border; his foul language in the motherfucking UN assembly; his continued broadcasts over VRWC airwaves; and finally his submission of forged documents to said assembly.

He needs nothing less than a Thai-style ass-whipping. Publicly. On both cheeks. His parents obviously did not beat him sufficiently as an infant. Another failing of our Liberal neighbors.

The Hawg has spoken.

The Lumens can kiss my shiny metal ass. As for the Boss Hawg you suck at life and everything that it holds dear. All your accusations are false. you are Godmodding like a mothefu*ker. You wrote that telegram and then tried to blame me for you sucking in life. So you and the rest of your lame Support group can go and...


Damn
(I dont have a good line to end with so when I do ill come back and write it, in fact think of something degrading or nasty and add it there ---BITCH)

What was that? I couldn't here you as you were being blasted!
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((P Bonia)) :sniper:
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((P Bonia) :sniper:
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((P Bonia) :sniper:
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:mp5:
((P Bonia :mp5:
:mp5:
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((P

P BONIA, it sounds like you need to stop with all the bellyaching and take a little personal responsibility for your life sucking so bad. I understand that it can be difficult to live in this world when you've got no moral fiber. I understand that your inferior region follows some ridiculous doctrine of "height equals right," in which moral relativism rules the day, in which notions of goodness and badness are interchangeable as gym socks. I understand that you've got plenty of people to blame for your shortcomings.

Come here, lemme lay a little of the wisdom of Dr. Phil on ya. Lissen close son, cause I'm droppin' pearls. You need to take a step back and look at yerself. You need to see that it's you who's sabotaging your own self. It ain't the VRWC's fault, it ain't cause your mommy didn't love you enough or smoked crack while she was pregnant with you. It ain't cause the public schools suck or cause you got a bad break. Naw, Bonia, it's on you. Now you gotta ask yourself, are you going to be a snivelling little baby of a region, or are you going to stand up and be a man? Are you going to stay in the womb of the Liberal Media, or are you going to open your eyes and come out into the real world?

First of all Lumnes, Your blasting of man juice means crap, you dont even know why your are here. also Boss hawg it sounds like you need to stop with all the bellyaching and take a little personal responsibility for your life sucking so bad.

I understand that it can be difficult to live in this world when you've got no moral fiber. I understand that your inferior region follows some ridiculous doctrine in which moral relativism rules the day, in which notions of goodness and badness are interchangeable as gym socks. I understand that you've got plenty of people to blame for your shortcomings.

You are just jealous that you cant dont have a great nation with all that we have so you decided to pick a fight to make yourself feel better. All you got is people crapping everywhere.

P Bonia
Kuptopia has mobilized its military. As soon as you call upon us we will unleash our heavy bombers to pulverize the VRWC's cities. We will than move in with our army and crush the opponents not leaving any man, woman, or child alive...

Thanks Kuptopia, finally someone that agrees with the badness of the VRWC. We will use the VRWC, and any other nation that is allies with them, to calibrate our missles and bombs for target pratice.