NationStates Jolt Archive


No Defence Force Should Be Without These Things

Kaptaingood
14-01-2005, 02:18
Service to support your army, from rat packs to detailing,

NEW PRODUCTS MILITARY DRUGS SEE BOTTOM

KaptainGoods International logistics services. (read to the end)

1. for $5000 per unit we can put a GT stripe on most model Jet fighters.

blue stripes can increase performance by, and the red double stripe ($10,000) per unit, improve the morale of your pilots and bring the hoon backing into strike fighting

2. fluffy dice for your Main Battle tank, improves morale, makes your tank go faster and adds that retro look to the most devasting land machines you have. $10 per unit.

3. Battleship detailing, $250,000 per 10000 tonnes, can yave your warship painted a nice magenta or orange, or bring up the old paint with a cut an polish, and clean out your interior with a bit of leather polish. have that tired old charles F Adams or Oliver Hazzard Perry looking like an Aegis destroyer. competely water and salt resistant paints, will scrub of accumulated barnicles and similar.

4. Cams painting.

BOught a whole heap of armoured vehicles and the colours don't suit, changing roles for your armed forces? $5000 per 10 tonnes of unit.

we do desert cams, jungle cams, bush cams and naval cams.

5. Decals.

Bought some second hand jet fighters? battleships? destroyers? MBTs and the tired old flags and warnings of the old users are there? we can do new decals for you $100 per metre, any colour and weather proof prints.

6. Gun blocks, we do rubber, plastic, steel and can impress your nations flag, miliitary embem of vehicle or unit insignia, $20 per Kg india rubber $10 per Kg plastic.

7. Hammocks? heard about the bad incidents of ships burning? we can do fire proof cotton weave hammocks for your large warships $120 per unit.

8. Tressle tables. stuck in the trenches? need to feed your soldiers, we can mass produce treated pine tressle tables for combat deployment $10 per unit. we also do field cutlery that can be converted to baynets, combat forks and dagger spoons, just ask, we also do roll out polyester weave faux silk table clothes at 100 m for $250 dollars when your officers just need a little class in the trenches or in your submarine.

9. Tired of have crap rat packs for your infantry? we do gourment rat packs with beef boulagnase and pasta, lasagna, satay beef and rice, mango chicken and noodles, etc for $8.00 per unit air contained and sealed, bacteria resistant with a 5 year use buy date. comes with your choice of flavour electrolyte drink, chocolate, and cheese cracker, revive your soldier in the heat of battle for $8.00 per unit (minimum orders of 1000)

10. Problems with fragging? low morale? infighting and insubordination? choose Kaptaingood psychological services and conditioning methods. turn those thinking for themselves grunts with attitude and political ambitions into mindless killing machines who will obey orders without moralising (technique costs $10,000 per soldier and takes about 48 hours, can do up to 10,000 per week, chose the kind of moron you want to fight your battles)

MILITARY CHEMICAL FOR YOUR OWN MILITARY

1. Go pills: mild stimulant designed for military fighter pilots. Want your pilots to fly 36 hours non stop? want that extra bit of pep for aggression, skill and get the best out of your jet boys, CHOOSE KG01 PEP pills.
(cost $5 per unit, minimum orders 1000)
side effects: May cause UN, canadian and british APCs to look like 50 foot fire breathing lizards, if allied troops killed FULL value of that particular pill will be refunded, and seek medical attention.

2. Down Pill: your officers tired with stress and the pressure of having to order the deaths of thousands of enemy combatants? can't sleep at night without nightmares of the dead they ordered haunting their dreams? choose KG01 Down Pills (cost per unit $5 miminum orders 1000)
side affects: Mildly addictive in 80% of clients

3. OrderPills: your troops starting to show signs of independence? questioning the reason for your invasion or low morale: choose order pills for 25 hours of obedience.
KG01 OP (cost per unit $5 miminum order 1000)
side effects zombification (reduces combat effectiveness by up to 20%)

more drugs coming later!

a happy army is an effective army.

Choose Kaptaingood military logistics services to protect your investment.
RevertRomance
14-01-2005, 02:21
Could i get my Toyru Class BB painted in Desert Camo? i believe the price would be like 2,500,000,000 Which is WAY to much to simply paint something id be willing to pay up to half a million however
Kaptaingood
14-01-2005, 02:33
to revert Romance

we would need to know the surface area for our your vessel.

a simple external paint job on a battleship (bb?) at about 50,000 tonnes for 500k is more than reasonable, would be no problem, the price quoted was for a complete detailing including internal painting, cleaning our rust points, removing barnacles and other accumulated rubbish from the exterior of your warship, and refreshing the chairs, cushions, bedding etc on board your vessel at 2.5m that is more than reasonable.

the straigh camo's painting was for combat land vehicles, there are big price breaks for volume sales.

remember each job is a custom job, so with a volume break for land vehicles I can do each MBT for about $2000 for orders over 1000 vehicles.
Kaptaingood
14-01-2005, 10:17
surely your defence force needs quality rat packs? freshen up paint job?
Dumpsterdam
14-01-2005, 10:32
OoC: You should add this under number 1.

Note of Warning: Do not ask why the red ones go faster.

IC:

We'd like to have the battleship Seven Provinces repainted to include decals of the Imperial Praetonian Shipyards, large blue flame motive from bow to stern.

And set some artists on making those gun turrets look like a work of art.

Money is no problem...
Kaptaingood
14-01-2005, 10:55
OC
red stripes always makes vehicles go faster, its a universal constant :D

BIC

SIgnal Dumpsterdam

Sir you can be booked into our docks as soon as your fine vessel arrives at our shores.

Can you provide an estimate of the size of your ship?

by example we can completely clean and repaint with three layers of salt resistant, water resistant paint, a 50,000 tonne warship for $500,000, including decals, and the art work according to some of our lovely young imperial artists.

Kaptaingood himself will execute anyone who does not complete the task to your satisfaction.

What motif would you like for your fine vessel gunnery? post modern deconstructionism? cubism? expressionism? post post modern desconstructionistic constructionism? floral? tye die? or something more esotoric?

It will take a week to complete the task, and the officers of crew can stay at our wonderful seaside five star hotels or guest with our own naval officers.

arrangements can also be made for bunkering your enlisted men if you require.

Thank you for your enquiry.

end.
Dumpsterdam
14-01-2005, 11:06
Length: 385m
Beam: 86m
Draught: 8.7m
Crew:: 1046 Naval; 46 Flag
Displacement: 133,632 tonnes

You just have to paint the turrets in a nice motive, thats all.

We would very much like it if you can provide our crew with some much deserved R&R seeing as they've just come out of a war.
Kaptaingood
14-01-2005, 11:48
Sir

I made assumptions regarding your warship and assumed it would be a battleship of around 50k tonnes.

However we assure we can complete the task at a value of 500k to completely repaint and detail the exterior of your warship with three coats of paint.

decal your warship, paint the blue flame motif and paint your guns (the paint used on your weapons will be capable of exceding high temperatures and will not blister through normal use of your weaponary).

Accommdation has been made for your officers at our harbourside 5 star hotels and your enlisted men will be accommodated in our naval ratings barracks.

Please observe the laws of our nation.

the military governor will signal your ship as it approaches our waters and tugs will be deployed to take it into dry dock. WE have no issues with your crew deploying firearms aboard your vessel to ensure your security and the security of your equipment however we do require your crew to not take weapons onto land.

Customs officials will ensure that they do not bring contraband onto our shores, but this is merely procedure. They will have the freedom to roam our lands during the week it will take to complete the task.

ALso we can insure a demonstration of some our naval technology to your officers if you wish and a tour of our somewhat smaller naval vessels.
http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=387423

thank you for your business and we hope your crew enjoy their stay.

undersecretary for commerce and military business.

Nation of Kaptaingood.
Dumpsterdam
14-01-2005, 11:52
Understood, DRN sailors and officers that man the Seven Provinces are drawn from the best of the best and will act in that way also.

We trust you to take good care of our flagship, money will be wired on confirmation of the paintjob being completed.
Neo sephrioth
14-01-2005, 11:59
we want our 10 battle ships and our 20 aircraft carriers painted with our motif
Kaptaingood
14-01-2005, 12:26
Signal Neo Sepharoth.

can you specify the details of the task you require?

size and dimensions of the motif? do you wish the vessels to be cleaned and detailed as well? repaint the surface areas? internal detailing?

a simple task of a say a single motif painted with a single motif say 10 metres by 10 metres, it would be cheaper to fly out our artists to your locations and perform the task in site which would ensure your vessels would be able to continue their tasks.

A single 10M 10M motif painted on in situ by our artist, for 30 vessels we can do for 100K, plus accommdation and travel expenses.

the nation of Kaptaingood will use commercial air travel and economy rates and accomdation for 4 artisans, which should cost less $6K per location of your vessels (assuming 4 locations).

(estimated total cost on your brief brief $124,000.

However if there is a misunderstanding by this official (please kaptaingood don't execute me) a requote will be provided.
Kaptaingood
14-01-2005, 14:10
Signal Dumpsterdam.

Paint and external detailing complete.
your officers were highly comendible, and your enlisted men honourable.

Account details transmitted.

thank you for your business and we hope your officers and crew enjoyed their stay.

undersecretary for commerce and military business.

Nation of Kaptaingood.
Neo sephrioth
14-01-2005, 14:19
the motif is 20 foor long it is a dragon clasping a sword and the ships must be deep black.
Neo sephrioth
14-01-2005, 14:20
the fourth fleet want full repaint and alla our m4's must be stamped with that logo
Dumpsterdam
14-01-2005, 14:27
Signal Dumpsterdam.

Paint and external detailing complete.
your officers were highly comendible, and your enlisted men honourable.

Account details transmitted.

thank you for your business and we hope your officers and crew enjoyed their stay.

undersecretary for commerce and military business.

Nation of Kaptaingood.

We will send our entire fleet for refit as soon as we manage to free them up, around four thousand ships.
Kaptaingood
14-01-2005, 14:41
signal Neo Sephrioth.

total cost for an external paint job, and clean on a 100,000 tonne vessel (approximately) * 30 would be $15,000,000. (this includes cleaning the exterior, washing off the barnacles and other accumulated hull crap, 3 coats of paint, deep deep black we have, also deep deep deep black, midnight dark black, pitch pitch deep black and awe its really really black and fork that black black as colours to choose from in our dark black range, all paint is salt water resistant, and comes in matte, gloss, semmi gloss, semi hemi mostly gloss, all decals are water and salt resistant, fade resistant and sealing into the superstructure with a chemical bond.

total cost $15,000,000

As a special we can red double GT stripe your warships if you choose for free, or lemon scent your latrines free of charge if you choose Kaptaingoods logistic and supply services.

(we can do the insides, restuff the seating, clean out the water tanks and fuel tanks, put nice scents in the washrooms, and new soaps in the officers mess and quarters, and repaint the insides, new lightglobes and buff up the command tower, refill the pillows of the officers, and use a particularly uncomfortable type of wood to stuff the pillows of the enlisted men, we can do a a nice job on the latrine seats and wash down your windows for an additional $15,000,000), bring up good as new.

We have 3 dry docks at our primary naval base capable of taking 100,000 tonne vessels (our other dry docks are for smaller vessels) and can accomodate 3 vessels at a time, this would require a total of 10 weeks to complete the painting through rotation of your vessels.

as you approach our waters signal the harbour master and tugs will be deployed to bring your ships in,

we can berth your fleet if you choose to bring them in for a 10 week R&R your men and women have the freedom of the nation and will be hosted by our own military if you choose, however i request that customs check your crew as the leave their vessel, purely riutine, and that you observe the laws of our nation and further do not bear arms in our nation. For the security of your vessels and technology your crew are entitled to carry arms on board your vessel.

at our primary military base at port there is insufficient accomodation so we are willing to 'bus' your crew to various sites around the nation to see the many statues, bust, momento and paintings of our leader Kaptaingood for whom this nation takes its name.

ALso we can insure a demonstration of some our naval technology to your officers if you wish and a tour of our somewhat smaller naval vessels.
http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=387423
Sincerely

undersecretary for commerce and military business.

Nation of Kaptaingood.
Kaptaingood
14-01-2005, 14:47
We will send our entire fleet for refit as soon as we manage to free them up, around four thousand ships.

Signal Dumpsterdam

your patronage is most welcome at the nation of Kaptaingood.

internal memo to the office of the leader Kaptaingood.

Dumpsterdam is forwarding 4,000 vessels over time for specialised painting and R&R for their crew. potential tourism and requirement for additional dry docks could result in additional revenue for the nations exports.

Kaptaingood: He has 4,000 warships??? I want 4,000 warships, goddamit, I am the leader around here, why can't I have 4,000 warships, Frak and insolvency, raise the tax on the peasants... ;)
Anarchy 92
14-01-2005, 16:05
I'm sorry to ask but... Are you either gay or a designer because surley a straight guy would'nt come up with this thread.
Dumpsterdam
14-01-2005, 16:08
I;m sorry to ask but... Are you either gay or a designer because surley a straight gut would'nt come up with this thread.

OoC: Uhm, I don't know about Kaptaingood, but I would find that offensive...
Anarchy 92
14-01-2005, 16:11
Yeah... But its not supposed to be.
Kaptaingood
14-01-2005, 22:09
Yeah... But its not supposed to be.

OOC

no way, married with two kids, but this site is fun.
besides check out some of the stuff in the 'shopfront' I thought it might be a bit fun.

BIC

have a look at NEW products in the KG shopfront!
Anarchy 92
14-01-2005, 23:46
Yeah good store but a bit daft.... I would'nt buy cause its a bit of a waste of money just to get something a different colour... If I wanted camoflage I'd just through some paint at my tanks...
Kriegorgrad
14-01-2005, 23:59
OOC: Go home Anarchy 92...leave the man to his thing and also, just because someone is gay, that doesn't make them fashion-obsessive, now does it?

Sorry for hijacking the thread here KaptainGood but I was just in the mood to take out my black cheek (rugby...rough game) on some poor forumer.

And sorry Anarchy 92 if I was a little grumpy...just play nicely now.

As a final note: DO NOT associate yourself with Neo Sephiroth unless he is using correct grammar + sentences because he keeps posting half-arsed tripe all over the temple of Jolt!
Kaptaingood
16-01-2005, 13:36
OOC: Go home Anarchy 92...leave the man to his thing and also, just because someone is gay, that doesn't make them fashion-obsessive, now does it?

Sorry for hijacking the thread here KaptainGood but I was just in the mood to take out my black cheek (rugby...rough game) on some poor forumer.

And sorry Anarchy 92 if I was a little grumpy...just play nicely now.

As a final note: DO NOT associate yourself with Neo Sephiroth unless he is using correct grammar + sentences because he keeps posting half-arsed tripe all over the temple of Jolt!

I reckon Neo Sephrioth is a fun guy, I like his posts. :D

Im not gay :rolleyes:

Im stuck home with the kids as I busted my achilles playing Aussie rules.

took a mark in the 4th quarter with five minutes to go and the achilles snapped with a bad landing.

Tried to walk on it, and, well if you know anyone with a ripped achilles you'd know what I mean. surgically fixed on the 23rd dec

besides everyone buys and sells gear but no idea of logistics and supply.

the fact is if a jet fighter costs 50m per unit, it will cost another 50m to keep airborne for 10 years.

1 flight hour for a combat fighter requires 20 hours of maintainance on average.

even the US has up to 50% of its fleet docked at anyone time. Most warships are built with on board logistics and take supplies with them, and have a well tooled workshop built into the design (they can basically repair a screw engine components etc if they need to at see, at least well enough to return to a port).

rat packs are important, most defence forces worth their salt have testing centres for rationing. the days of bully beef and dry biscuits are long gone. The fact is real rat packs do have decent food in them, usually include high energy, high fibre diets. your average western soldier costs about 100k to fit out and about that to train, before you add their wage.

they are a solid investment and they do research diets to maintain their fighting ability in the combat zone where field supply is often difficult.

most defence by volume (not cost) is for crap like ladders, webbing, helmets, ammunition, medical kits, radio spares, vehicle spares (do you know how hard it is to source low volumes of LAV track pieces? or tooling to repair track?)

your abrams, T72, or whatever tank requires a hell of a lot of maintaince, servicing, etc.

a company sells you an F18 for 40 million knowing the jet costs 38 million to make, the profit lies in the fact that you will spend pretty much 40 million buys spares for it. gear is highly fallible the higher the performance.

ie you can send out an APC or abrams with 85% serviceability as long as its not a critical component a jet must be 100% serviceable before they let it off the ground (combat war situation is different). you can ground a fleet of jets if you can't get widget part no. xxx xxx xxx.

in fact western countries have a complete database based on nato stock numbers (or they had a few years ago) NSN's catalogueing every single reverse thread oxidised black screw in the defence forces of the western nations.

most major manufacturers dealt with NSNs.

the first four digits of a NSN is the type of equipment is was (guns started with something like 1280? combat radios 5820 etc), the next two were the country of origin (00 and 01 was the US, 66 was Aus, and I think the uk was 99) and the last 7 digits was the serial number of the type of equipment it was.

so logistics really does play a massive component of defence (something like between 10% and 20% of your defence budget goes on keeping your soldiers watered, fed, and making sure their gear doesn't fall the pieces).

cheers

KG.
Anarchy 92
16-01-2005, 16:29
OOC: Go home Anarchy 92...leave the man to his thing and also, just because someone is gay, that doesn't make them fashion-obsessive, now does it?

Sorry for hijacking the thread here KaptainGood but I was just in the mood to take out my black cheek (rugby...rough game) on some poor forumer.

And sorry Anarchy 92 if I was a little grumpy...just play nicely now.

As a final note: DO NOT associate yourself with Neo Sephiroth unless he is using correct grammar + sentences because he keeps posting half-arsed tripe all over the temple of Jolt!

Fair enough
Kaptaingood
18-01-2005, 02:06
bump
Christworld
18-01-2005, 02:33
OOC what happened to aero carrier and stuff you were doing a couple of weeks ago?
Siap
18-01-2005, 02:45
Can you put hydraulics on an M-1 tank?
Kaptaingood
18-01-2005, 13:58
unfortunately no.

but I can paint them, do a cut and polish, and add a GT stripe for a reasonable price, also redo the wiring inside to add a bar fridge with a UPB (when all else fails your troopers can have a beer), put in some fluffy dice, a nice stereo system, (with an external speaker system without armour compromise (wireless speakers, sure the quality goes down, but wtf it adds some style).

also I can do psych reconditioning for your troopers to increase loyalty, or supply go pills for longer battlefield endurance (might be some sideeffects after a couple of days).

also some nice stow away tressle tables, decent cutlery and ratpacks for a decent meal in combat conditions, but can't do hydrolics refits on an M1.

I can probably source some from a third party, given our extensive logistics and vehicular background and get back to you in a few days (real time).
Sephrioth
18-01-2005, 23:47
ooc im neo sephrioth just cant be assed to login
ic the fleets on way we are sending a blood hound aircraft carrier with wraith fighter bombers for fleet defence btw the troops have gattling guns
Shenyang
18-01-2005, 23:54
The Shenyang Military High Command would like to purchase 1,000,000 Fluffy Dice for our ground forces, our studies have shown that when used correctly they may actually terrify an enemy into surrender with their retro-coolness.
10,000,000usd has been wired.
Imitora
19-01-2005, 00:05
Can I get some NOS stickers and a few Type R badges for my fighters? I know that every NOS sticker adds 8 trillion HP, and that for every Type R badge you have, people give up like, ten times faster...Type R owns J000000O00O0o111!!!!1!11!11111!!!1111!!1
Kaptaingood
19-01-2005, 15:28
ooc im neo sephrioth just cant be assed to login
ic the fleets on way we are sending a blood hound aircraft carrier with wraith fighter bombers for fleet defence btw the troops have gattling guns

As requested our docks are prepared to complete the work.

Thank you for considering Kaptaingood services.
Kaptaingood
19-01-2005, 15:35
The Shenyang Military High Command would like to purchase 1,000,000 Fluffy Dice for our ground forces, our studies have shown that when used correctly they may actually terrify an enemy into surrender with their retro-coolness.
10,000,000usd has been wired.

We will have completed manufacturing within 4 months.

Thank your for considering Kaptaingood services.

as a bonus we are also sending 10,000 units of our teriyaki chicken single use ration packs (teriyaki chicken, rice, lentils, and spinich (Vitamin A) also a high energy chocolate bar, chewing gum, vitamin C lemon drink, muesili bar, cheese cracker snack packs with vegemite (Im an aussie and you need the vitamin B) and vitamin/mineral suppliment pill. Sufficient energy to maintain a soldier in combat conditions for 24 hours.

Any research or testamonials on the effictiveness of the fluffy dice would be appreciated for research purposes only.

our combat simulations have shown data to support your hypothesis re the fluffy dice, but we are yet to gather actual combat data.

All fluffy dice come with their installation manual, and "guide to optomising the combat effectiveness of your fluffy dice" (an alternative text "fluffy dice for dummies" is available for reservists, conscripts and junior officers)
Kaptaingood
19-01-2005, 15:44
Can I get some NOS stickers and a few Type R badges for my fighters? I know that every NOS sticker adds 8 trillion HP, and that for every Type R badge you have, people give up like, ten times faster...Type R owns J000000O00O0o111!!!!1!11!11111!!!1111!!1

Can you provide more details on what specifically you require and we will attempt to provide a competitive quote for your military.

sincerely

kaptaingood industries.
Kaptaingood
20-01-2005, 06:12
bump
Kaptaingood
21-01-2005, 23:57
ooc im neo sephrioth just cant be assed to login
ic the fleets on way we are sending a blood hound aircraft carrier with wraith fighter bombers for fleet defence btw the troops have gattling guns

the docks are prepared in conjunction with our previous offer of service neo sephrioth.

Thank you for considering Kaptaingood services.

KG
Kaptaingood
23-01-2005, 00:44
vital for your forces!
Kaptaingood
29-01-2005, 13:21
You need these services to brighten up your forces.
Kroblexskij
29-01-2005, 13:34
order cancelled
Kaptaingood
30-01-2005, 13:28
order cancelled
what order? did I miss something...I should stay of the happy drugs.... :D