NationStates Jolt Archive

From the New Stamford Courant

The Mayor of New Stamford has proven himself insane.

"Heavy Metal shall rule forever!" he declared from a pulpit during a speech in Providence. He was dressed shabbily, wearing blue jeans, a plaid shirt over a Mastodon t-shirt. Several metal bands were present for the event.

But what was thought to be a regular speech turned out to be much more. "Greenland," he began, "has offended me again and again with its adherence to rap, despite our government's best efforts to reduce its influence. We have tried shipping metal CDs there and handing them out for free. We have paid various bands to travel there and play for free. Indirect action has proved fruitless. There is only one option left: invasion and direct rule. In fact, the invasion has already begun. I have word that Stamfordian marines are battling thier way into the capital city Nuuk as we speak. Other than that, I cannot say."

He quickly left the stage, leaving speech patrons speechless. Our sources tell us that the Mayor proceeded to get extremely drunk on his helicopter on his way back to New Stamford.

The foriegn minister of Sunderby and several other nations have banded together and declared the Mayor "an Imperialist" and "an aggressor of the worst kind." The Greenlander foriegn minister was unavailable for comment, as he and his staff were all being escorted from the nation.

Colonel Sanders smiled. Nuuk was already falling. Ships leaving Scoresbysund and Nanortalik were sunken by the brand-new Ohio class submarines built for this invasion. 6,000 regular units were storming beaches everywhere. There was only one problem: where was his coffee?

((Oh my god, war over rap? I LOVE IT! Please assist him, this is why NationStates exsists!))
General Homer chuckled at the report at the huge airfield in Tunisia. Greenland was being invaded over Rap music...What an oppertunity to show Green Sun's hatred for the 'Art'. Talking about killing or raping people to an off beat wasn't high standards in the country.
"Send in three wings to help them out. Maybe they'll help us against Vermont..."

FROM THE DESK OF THE MAYOR

Greetings.

Green Sun, I thank you for any assistance you can give. As you know, Greenland is sparsley populated, and as such is likley to have a small army. I expect this war to be over soon, an when it is, I will be glad to put the Stamfordian military at your disposal.

"This is intolerable!" exclaimed SYT Rap-Master General T-Masta Blingenstein (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v219/blackulas/tmb3copy.jpg) onstage at a concert several minutes after the invasion had been announced. "I demand that all rap artists within the borders of Greenland be allowed asylum in SYT" he continued before raising a clutched, diamond encrusted, fist "LET MY PEOPLE GO!". After the crowd had died down Blingenstein began his runaway smash hit "I gots 'mo ice than planet Hoth".

OOC: The Kingdom of Kopparbergs controls Sweden, Norway, Faeroe Islands, Svalbard Islands and Jan Mayen Island in Earth III. An invasion of Greenland is of highly concern of us.

IC:
Secret telegram to New Stamford

Our satellite photos are showing that you are invading our neighbor Greenland. As long as you stay on that island, we don't care too much, but keep your troops away from the Jan Mayen Island, or you will regret that you started the Greenland invasion in the first place. Our navy is circulating of the east coast of Greenland, but will not do anything unless they're attacked.
We have an eye on you.

General Carl Hamilton, Secretary of Defense
Kingdom of Kopparbergs

EDIT: The Defcon level on the Jan Mayen island and Svalbard has been raised to Defcon 4.

OOC 2: The link to my invasion of Jan Mayen island is found here: http://forums2.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=377910

To: Kopparbergs
New Stamford

We suggest that a line of demarcation between Jan Mayen and Greenland be declared at 0 degrees, the Greenwich (England, not Conn.!) Meridian on Earth III.

Stan Davis
Assistant Vice Undersecretary for the Arctic Region
Department of External Affairs
Kramden of West Cedarbrook

OOC: We'd help resolve any disputes, but it's damn cold up there! Tell Col. Sanders that we'd also like a bucket of extra crispy, no slaw. All puns intended.

To: West Cedarbrook

A line following the 0 meridian will not be good since it do not pass between Jan Mayen Island and Greenland. If you want to follow such lines the 15th west will be better, see attached map (Jan Mayen island is marked in red).

We have to wait and se what New Stamford thinks about this. Thanks for thinking of us here up north.

Åke Stålhandske, Secretary of Foreign Affairs
Kingdom of Kopparbergs

http://peter.korkala.se/kingdom/jan-mayen-greenland.gif

Fron the desk of the Mayor

Kopperbargs, we are not invaders, we are liberators, civilizers! We are bringing heavy metal culture to a land that was devoid of any! According to my report, Godthab is almost totally in our hands.

Think about it. Just a few days ago, Godthab was a capital of savages, a Zimbabwe of the North. Today, Godthabites are waking up to Iron Maiden and King Crimson instead of Tupac and Jay-Z. Isn't that a place where you'd like to raise your children, or sodomize your sex slave (if that's your thing?) Well, that is the kind of place it will be.

Only fifteen Stamfordians have been killed in Godthab, and about fifty elsewhere on that frozen island. When we happen across a village, the inhabitants are happy to see us; years of rap have turned them weak, ready to turn. give us five years, and any rap army will have quite a time of it, let me tell you! And by quite a time, I mean they won't be able to trust a single Greenlander, on account of all the hate they'll be harboring against said army. A dagger in every cloak!

Ah, but I wander! I have no intentions of further Arctic liberation, and I will agree to your proposal of 15th West as a military boundary. I would like to discuss fishing rights is those seas. However, now is not the time.

UPDATE: Scoresbysund has fallen! The Yellow Star rises there! Colonel Sanders predicts defeaat of Greenlander resistance in the south within the week.

Colonel Sanders grinned broadly as the mayor of Scoresbysund walked up to him, head down. Scoresbysund had fallen fairly quick. It was, after all, nothing but a small town. There were no true cities on this frozen island, only tiny villages. Godthab was the largest, with a quarter of the population. However, Sanders rather liked the symbolic victory; on the map, it appeared that he had conquered a massive city, a major port. Well, it was, for Greenlander standards.

There had been no real battles, just a few shots fired by Greenlander soldiers as they retreated into the villages, and, eventually, into the ice. Sanders had seen bigger fights during the American Conquest in tiny New England villages. Here, the only resistance he had seen was the occaisonal sniper. Well, he'd see where the tanks had blown a hole afterward.

He shook himself out of his thoughts as the mayor, standing beside him, delivered a speech to the city in the native tongue. Sanders grimaced, no doubt scaring those Greenlanders who saw it. Having another language wasn't good; they'd have to replace it with English or incorporate it into the uncompleted National Language.

The mayor wrapped up his speech, and bowed to the Colonel. The colonel nodded, and walked off of the stage. He didn't care what the villagers thought of him. They had to like the Mayor, not him. Besides, Nuuk was still partially in Greenlander hands, and he wanted to chenge that without blasting the city with missiles from the subs. That meant he had to hurry. The sub commanders always did have itchy trigger fingers.

OOC: I haven't done any RPing before, so if any of you could give me any pointers, I'd be much obliged.

Fron the desk of the Mayor
Ah, but I wander! I have no intentions of further Arctic liberation, and I will agree to your proposal of 15th West as a military boundary. I would like to discuss fishing rights is those seas. However, now is not the time.

Okay, that sounds good. We declare the 15th west as a military boundary.

Åke Stålhandske, Secretary of Foreign Affairs
Kingdom of Kopparbergs

Colonel Sanders looked up as four Black Hawk helicopters and an experimental hovercraft flew overhead. Each was armed with AA-Scalper missiles, the Tomahawk's prodigy. The hovercraft, with its reduced gravity, was able to carry dozens of them. The Colonel was grateful to have seven hovercraft granted to himn, although he would rather have had it before the liberation was almost over.

A huge explosion occured about two miles away. One of the few skyscrapers in Nuuk collapsed, crushing God-knows how many Stamfordian soldiers. The Greenlanders had gone the way of the Arab, and they had booby-trapped the whole city, then dug in everywhere and waited for the Stamfordians to arrive.

Well, thier stragety was working. Fifteen hundred soldiers had dies so far. THe only good news was taht there were so few pf the enemy in the first place, and now they were almost gone. New Stamford had payed a larger price than it had expected, but it was well worth it. He glanced at the telegram in his hand. MAGE IS IN NEW STAMFORD CITY Good.

The mage would be able to teach New Stamford a great many things. A great many things that would give the small (but expanding) nation an edge in this competitive world.

At that moment, the radio in his old gasoline-powered Jeep came to life. He spoke with the voice on the ther end for a few moments, grinning the whole time. Then he put the reciever back, turned on the jeep, threw it into gear, and drove madly twoards the main encampment.

The Greenlander resistance leader and thier President had been captured.

The war that they had fought to get a single person was going to end - tonight.

From: General Homer
To: New Stamford
I see those planes aren't going to much use here. If you need them, just call.

"A VILLIAN AT YOUR BEDSIDE"

"Sign the papers, 'Mr. President.'" the MP said mockingly. They had been there for several hours. The Greenlander president had gotten weaker and weaker from an unidentified disease (he had been refused medical treatment. After all, New Stamford wasn't a U.N. member!) and his willpower was breaking down.

"TAKE THIS AND YOU'LL BE FINE"

The MP grinned wickedly. This was 'Fake Healer', a Metal Church song that he enjoyed very much. He doubted that the president - ex- president - did. From what the MP understood, he was a fan of dance techno. Well, that didn't abide well in New Stamford.

"SEVERLY EDUCATED,
JUST PAY YOUR BILL ON TIME"

"Sign the resignation papers, Mr. President!" He picked up the papers and waved them in his face. "The Greenlander people are not numerous enough to resist forever! We have already conquerored them, but we'd like them to know that!" the rebel leader had comitted suicide with a cyanide pill that he had somehow smuggled past the fozens of soldiers that were guarding him.

"I THINK IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER TEST
I NEED MORE OF YOUR BLOOD"

Finally, the ex-president looked up. He still had some inner strenght, because he started making demands, although none of them were unreasonable. "I want a house in West Cedarbrook, with protection for my family and me. The Greenlander people will never forgive me for this betrayal (sp?). I'd also like reconstructive surgery for myself as further security."

The MP nodded. "You'll all be given new identitys as New Stamford citizens, and belive you me, we treat our citizens very well. You won't have to worry about your people, either. Soon, they'll see the error of thier ways and calm down. Your signature ensures that no foriegn dignitary will be assassinated or that no embassy will be bombed, though." The MP stood, made a cutting motion, and the music shut off. The ex-president picked up the pen, and, after a moment's hesitation, signed the paper.

Officially, Greenland now belonged to new Stamford. The Mayor would be pleased.

Green Sun applauds this slightly insane takeover.

I'm too sexy for it to be sane.