NationStates Jolt Archive

Offical Statement by the North Pole Foreign Ministry/Ministry of War/Ministry of |\|00kz

Our Great Chariman Klaus,(Known to you imperialists and non-Maoists as Santa) has decreed that the world is not worthy of recieving gifts this year. the Great Chairman has decided this due to the fact that "they have forgotten the true meaning of christmas; that you must serve chairman Klaus and if you do you are rewarded! Imperialists/capitalists have spoiled the servant mind of the common man!". We have decided to melt all toys and use them to create weapons that we can sell to our Maoist friends in Nepal! No Christmas for you this year, foo'!

所有称赞了不起的主席!

OOC: For all you people who believe in Santa( I know, there aren't that many. But meh.) , this is a JOKE! And I know im not REALLY the North Pole, but that name was already taken so i couldnt make a puppet!

Official Imperial Statement

Marxist dogs! How dare you steal Christmas from the good, God-fearing people of the world! This will not stand. The Empire demands you revoke your evil declaration and bestow gifts upon the world, or so help us God, the Empire shall take military action against the North Pole.

Chancellor, and Imperial Minister of Noel, Dmitri Rubellai
Loyal Servant to Emperor Antonius I, Protector of Christmas

Finally someone has done something about the americanisation of Christmas, can we have it cancled next year as well.
:D

Hooray for the good saint! Strike the capitalists when they need your help the most!

But it would be greatly appreciated if instead of making weapons out of the toys, you would simply stop making them. That way, the environment is in no way harmed, you don't waste your elves' work, and you avoid war.

I agree with Parlett, no point making weapons with plastic, though can I put in an order for tanks made with steel, and some missiles if possible.
:sniper: :mp5: :D

"Ho ho ho," went the real Santa Claus, as he put on his traditional red-and-white garb. There was a press conference to be attended. An impostor of a Santa, an unholy Maoist at that, had dared declared himself a Santa Claus, that he was displeased with mankind.
"Christmas is about forgiving, you just can't shut out the world just because they aren't thinking your way," ranted the real Santa Claus, who incidentally has been chased out of his traditional North Pole habitat by the People's Liberation Army's Chairman Klaus. As a result, the real Santa today basks in the sunny tropics of Shonar Bangla, enjoying the nude beaches and beautiful, curvaceous scenery.

Ok so we have a real santa and a imposter, can I still get my order of weapons from the imposter and can the real santa give me some war ships and submarines, I need them to attac... oops I mean to build my defence force.

"The government of Islanderz formally recognizes the Santa currently residing in Shonar Bangla. Once we noticed the nude beaches we knew that was were Santa was. Name an overweight man commonly described as jolly who could resist nude beach bunnies. Thank you."
Chris
Official Spokeman
The Serene Republic of Islanderz

Comrade, the PRT sends its support for your decision. We ourselves outlawed christmas long ago, along with religion and its ilk.

Well at least the elves didn't go on strike this year

OOC THis is also a joke, hope you like it.

IC The Tsurani Fleet droped out of the rift, much the same way the Emperors Meat fell out of his bun that very second. THe Greasy matrial landed on his white shirt, staining it with the snot yellow colour we all love His eyes twiched, and he ordered the nearest world to be studied to find a reason it needed to be bombed, so the Tsurani studied earth for a hundred years. When Christmas was banned one of those years, the message was sent to the emperor who was reported saying. "Hu? Oh, I don't care about that anymore." As such, the north pole was bombed from space, followed by large amount of melting ice. When half the world drowned, the commander was reported saying "THat won't look good on a resume."

THE REAL REASON CHRISTMAS WAS CANCELLED (http://forums2.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=381897)

"Ho ho ho," went the real Santa Claus, as he put on his traditional red-and-white garb. There was a press conference to be attended. An impostor of a Santa, an unholy Maoist at that, had dared declared himself a Santa Claus, that he was displeased with mankind.
"Christmas is about forgiving, you just can't shut out the world just because they aren't thinking your way," ranted the real Santa Claus, who incidentally has been chased out of his traditional North Pole habitat by the People's Liberation Army's Chairman Klaus. As a result, the real Santa today basks in the sunny tropics of Shonar Bangla, enjoying the nude beaches and beautiful, curvaceous scenery.

Offical Statement by the North Pole

We have reason to believe that an evil imperialist has taken refuge in Shonar Bangla( Which, for you non Bengali speakers, means Golden Bengal or something like that...), and that he is spreading lies about how our great festival in the name of the Great Chairman is about forgiving! As of this moment, we are preparing to send some of the Elf Death Squad to snuff out this imposter.

Wait, did I actually type that? Wait wait! Don't take it away, i nee

UKIN Office of the Attorney-General, Official Communiqué OAG-IN34/2004/12/XM.45

We have received word that His Majesty's Government is on the naughty list. We consider this libel. Or slander. Or both. Expect a sub poena in the mail. Or hand delivered. Or all the above.

Sincerely,

Horace Bilgewater, LLB.
Senior Counsel
Legal Officers Ministry - OAG
UKIN

bump

UKIN Office of the Attorney-General, Official Communiqué OAG-IN34/2004/12/XM.45

We have received word that His Majesty's Government is on the naughty list. We consider this libel. Or slander. Or both. Expect a sub poena in the mail. Or hand delivered. Or all the above.

Sincerely,

Horace Bilgewater, LLB.
Senior Counsel
Legal Officers Ministry - OAG
UKIN
Same here.

I'm afraid to inform you all that Santa and his legions of elves were annihilated by the Coalition of Evil when it moved to the North Pole about seven RL months ago. Oh, don't worry, Christmas will still be on schedule, but it'll be an Evil robot Santa who steals everything of value and leaves dangerously unsafe gifts with hidden speakers broadcasting subliminal messages to make the generations of the future obey our leadership! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Seriously though, does that little genocide really quailify us for the naughty list?

I'm afraid to inform you all that Santa and his legions of elves were annihilated by the Coalition of Evil when it moved to the North Pole about seven RL months ago. Oh, don't worry, Christmas will still be on schedule, but it'll be an Evil robot Santa who steals everything of value and leaves dangerously unsafe gifts with hidden speakers broadcasting subliminal messages to make the generations of the future obey our leadership! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Seriously though, does that little genocide really quailify us for the naughty list?

Might it not occur to you that the brave forces of Maoists Elves and the Grand Chairman Klaus could easily overpower your Imperialist Robots?

Uh oh. Time to send the military. O_o

Might it not occur to you that the brave forces of Maoists Elves and the Grand Chairman Klaus could easily overpower your Imperialist Robots?
Robot. One...
We had to install an experimental FTL drive to ensure he can do it all in one night. With a population approximately two, three hundred times the size of the a small blue-green planet inhabited by 6 billion humans, not to mention the extensive extraterrestrial populations, it was an absolute neccesity.
Back on point; no, it didn't occur to us, but now that it does it would seem my explanation of the necessity for speed would make it impossible for you to catch him.
And he resents your calling him Imperialist. Or would, except we never installed AI, for exactly this point. He's not Imperialist, we are. Slightly...What was I saying again?

This has been a totally inserious Ineffable post, as was and will be all Ineffable posts in this thread. Do not take this as a true example of Ineffable (RP) style.

While the jolly old man in red socks and white thong lay on the sunny sands of Sundar Ban Beach, throngs of beautiful maidens lined up to give the real Santa a lap-dance and get their Christmas wishes granted in return. Meanwhile, Mrs. Claus watched on in inflating envy, wishing that something horrible happen to her immoral husband.

"Mrs Claus, what's wrong?" asked an innocent looking man with pointed ears at the bar, where Mrs. Claus seemed to empty out her life's woes over endless rounds of drinks and rolls of napkins.
"Santa", sob, "he doesn't love me anymore. The old bastard thinks he is some pimp, those women are after him only for his toys. I wish I could kill that cheat," wailed Mrs. Claus.

The man with pointed ears, a recruiting agent of the Maoist Elven Death Squad sensed opportunity. "Mam, you are a wonderful lady and there are men that would die to have a wife like you. Here, I'l give this to you, to put an end to your miseries and start life all over again," and slid a pistol into her fingers.

Mrs. Claus didn't wait and think, never even seeing that the man was sporting a Hammer-n-Sickle jersey. She was drunk, and furious. She snatched the pistol, stormed out of the bar, and made way for Santa. As she came closer, her drunkenness began dissipating, and that irritable voice began telling her, "What are you doing? Think of the good times, the last 500 years, the shared joy of bringing smiles the world over. You will give that up just for those lap-dances? Besides, men cheat, they are supposed to."


On the pavement across from the beach, another man with pointed ears studied Mrs. Claus with his binoculars. He was accompanied by the entire Maoist Elven Death Squad, an organization of 11 highly trained elves. "I think she is gonna crack, she's picked up her phone now, she's definitely calling the police. Quick, we gotta get Santa before the police get wind of it," commanded the scout.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Claus had dropped her pistol, and called the police, who transferred her call to the lady currently giving a hand-job to Santa. The lady told Mrs. Claus, "Don't worry, we are his security guard, this is the best cover as a bunch of hoes. Thanks for notifying us." Agent Fatima Nazrul then, told the rest of the unit to prepare for gun-fight, now that the Maoist Elven Death Squad were approaching.

Two of the unit quickly escorted Santa and Mrs. Claus to a safe location in the bathroom of a nearby Dunkin Parathas, while the two gangs battled it out on the beach. Helicopter support was also called for, and within minutes, blue-yellow lights flooded the beach.

ROFLMAO @ THIS THREAD

Commencing Operation...
Tango
Alpha
Golf
Operation Complete...

In response to this attack on capitalism and Parthia, I have ordered a nuclear strike on the north pole. You now have 45 minutes to live.

-Shah Khosru III


The nuclear silos in the Gedrosian desert began to open and reveal the shining nose cones of the Minutemen ICBMs. The codes had been punched in and the final countdown was in progress, within ten seconds, the missiles would fire and three nuclear tipped goodies would be headed for the maoists...

Ten seconds passed and the missiles streaked into the sky with a great fireball and clouds of sand flying into the air. In 45 minutes, they will impact and destroy all life.

Meanwhile, at the North Pole...

Santa stood before his army of Maoist elves like he did every christmas eve. Hundreds of thousands of them stood at attention before him, their Ak-KK(Kandy Kane) at their side chanting the Great Song of Klaus. His picture lay in the background, and all who looked at it smiled:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v626/Thelightningstar/Santa.jpg

After a while Santa noticed some rockets flying towards the North Pole. "Ho ho ho! These Imperialists wish to destroy me! AWAY WITH THEE!" And from the portrait came hundreds of exploding Kandy Kanes (not to be confused with Candy Cane). The missiles then exploded WITHOUT detonating theit nuclear payload, and the march of Santa continued.

bumpz!

Official response from the Sarzonian government:

Meh.