Many Mennonites
21-12-2004, 04:47
Well well well. Let me tell you young folk what we mennonites from the Colony of Many Mennonites believe. Or better yet where our roots lie.
*reclines thoughtfully in rocker, and strokes his menno beard* Hmm, yes it was back in the 30's, yah yah, that was when i still had Netty to cook for me. Anyway in the 30's we Mennonites lived in Russia. For a long time life was good. The harvest was plentiful and there was always plentiful farmer wurst to go around. On those fall afternoons Uncle Edwin and I would sit out on the porch and drink Terere, or Yerba tea, for those of you outsiders. Yes we'd sit out in the sun drinking our Terere while Tante Netty and Tante Marlisse would be cooking rolkuchen and getting the watermelon ready. Those were the good days.
That is until the war. We Mennonites had a rough go of it, we did. Us not believing in violence and all. We tried to avoid military involvment as best we could but the army kept coming and taking our men and boys away never to be seen again. Thats when the rest of us moved our Borscht loving bums to Paraguay. Oh Paraguay! What a great land. In Paraguay we could drink Terere all we wanted and in Paraguay there was even more farmer wurst to go around. Tante Netty and Tante Marlisse we're always making my favorite, Borscht. Yes sir, if you want to give me a Christmas gift this year, better make is big steaming bowl of Beat Borscht. Oh Bah Jo!
We had lived in Paraguay for a long time until we decided that we set up a colony of our own. We searched the globe far and wide untill we found some land where we could farm and call our own. It was called Southern Manitoba. We set up little towns all over southern Manitoba calling them, Altona, Steinbach, Cleefeld, and Morden. We found so much freedom there and the land was excellent. Soon we set up schools for our children and as time passed on we even set up Universities.
Ah yes, that is the short History of the people of Many Mennonites. What makes us mennonite is simple:
1. You must have a typical Mennonite last name, such as, Giesbrecht, Funk, Neufeld, Penner, Schellenberg, Klassen, etc.
2. You must be able to determine how you are related to any other mennonite you meet within a matter of 10 minutes, for example. "You're Abe Klassen from Cleefeld? Who's your father? Really? He's my great Uncle! Hey what do you know we're related!" Trust me this is possible between any two given Mennonites.
3. You must list Perogies, Beans, Farmer Wurst, Watermellon, and rollkuchen as your favorite foods.
4. If you are a man, you must have a bushy chin strap beard. If you are not able to grow one, you must lament about this fact everytime you meet someone who has a superior beard than thou.
5. If you are a woman, you must find facial hair intensly attractive, and you yourself should insist on fabricating your own dresses out of old pairs of overalls and jeans. Dresses should be ankle lenght! Deviation from this length means immediate shunning and guilting.
6. Make Borscht not bombs! In the event of all out war or conflict there are sure to be people involved who no longer posses the faculity to cook or aquire food for themselves. It is then when the Mennonites should convene in the church basement and start a 24/7 Borscht cooking, in order to supply all who are hungry with adequate amounts of Borscht. Borscht is our way of alieviating the suffering of those directly affected by war and conflict. If you are intrepid enough, positions are available on our Borscht distribution team.
These are the six criteria that one must pass in order to be an authentic Mennonite.
*reclines thoughtfully in rocker, and strokes his menno beard* Hmm, yes it was back in the 30's, yah yah, that was when i still had Netty to cook for me. Anyway in the 30's we Mennonites lived in Russia. For a long time life was good. The harvest was plentiful and there was always plentiful farmer wurst to go around. On those fall afternoons Uncle Edwin and I would sit out on the porch and drink Terere, or Yerba tea, for those of you outsiders. Yes we'd sit out in the sun drinking our Terere while Tante Netty and Tante Marlisse would be cooking rolkuchen and getting the watermelon ready. Those were the good days.
That is until the war. We Mennonites had a rough go of it, we did. Us not believing in violence and all. We tried to avoid military involvment as best we could but the army kept coming and taking our men and boys away never to be seen again. Thats when the rest of us moved our Borscht loving bums to Paraguay. Oh Paraguay! What a great land. In Paraguay we could drink Terere all we wanted and in Paraguay there was even more farmer wurst to go around. Tante Netty and Tante Marlisse we're always making my favorite, Borscht. Yes sir, if you want to give me a Christmas gift this year, better make is big steaming bowl of Beat Borscht. Oh Bah Jo!
We had lived in Paraguay for a long time until we decided that we set up a colony of our own. We searched the globe far and wide untill we found some land where we could farm and call our own. It was called Southern Manitoba. We set up little towns all over southern Manitoba calling them, Altona, Steinbach, Cleefeld, and Morden. We found so much freedom there and the land was excellent. Soon we set up schools for our children and as time passed on we even set up Universities.
Ah yes, that is the short History of the people of Many Mennonites. What makes us mennonite is simple:
1. You must have a typical Mennonite last name, such as, Giesbrecht, Funk, Neufeld, Penner, Schellenberg, Klassen, etc.
2. You must be able to determine how you are related to any other mennonite you meet within a matter of 10 minutes, for example. "You're Abe Klassen from Cleefeld? Who's your father? Really? He's my great Uncle! Hey what do you know we're related!" Trust me this is possible between any two given Mennonites.
3. You must list Perogies, Beans, Farmer Wurst, Watermellon, and rollkuchen as your favorite foods.
4. If you are a man, you must have a bushy chin strap beard. If you are not able to grow one, you must lament about this fact everytime you meet someone who has a superior beard than thou.
5. If you are a woman, you must find facial hair intensly attractive, and you yourself should insist on fabricating your own dresses out of old pairs of overalls and jeans. Dresses should be ankle lenght! Deviation from this length means immediate shunning and guilting.
6. Make Borscht not bombs! In the event of all out war or conflict there are sure to be people involved who no longer posses the faculity to cook or aquire food for themselves. It is then when the Mennonites should convene in the church basement and start a 24/7 Borscht cooking, in order to supply all who are hungry with adequate amounts of Borscht. Borscht is our way of alieviating the suffering of those directly affected by war and conflict. If you are intrepid enough, positions are available on our Borscht distribution team.
These are the six criteria that one must pass in order to be an authentic Mennonite.