NationStates Jolt Archive

(OOC: For background information: It's nearly Christmas, at the LOSR forum (http://lsmallregions.proboards39.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&num=1102441840))

It was not the night before Christmas, and all was not well. It was a cold, dark, gloomy night, all of the worst, most negative adjectives one can imagine would describe it and still leave somethings unsaid. The snow fell from the sky, gracefully caressing the air until the impact on the ground. One could not feel the Christmas spirit, although it was nearly that time of the year again.

On this night, citizens of Hakopam were doing one of two things: shopping or catching the latest news on the war between Dunkum and the Coastal Pirates. There had been protests against the war, and public opinion was actively trying to persuade the government to send more military aid to ther allies. The government kept telling them they had to actually go to the army, so Hakopam had an army and could help. The government was ignored.

What was also ignored was the reason why the night was so terrible that day. Nobody understood and nobody cared - some bad weather, it would pass. It was winter, after all. And yet, there was an evil scent in the air, a certain je ne sais quoi that made people feel uneasy in-between meals and work.

And so, when the clock stroke a specific point in time, Santa Claus came to town. And everybody cried. He knew when people were asleep, he knew who had been good or bad, and it didn't matter. The elven army, lead by a monstrous furry beast with antlers and a nose with the colour of blood, marched through Schwerd, pillaging the city, killing its inhabitants, raping women and man alike, causing a cry of fear that was heard throughout Hakopam.

It was an unexpected and fully rampaging invasion. Jolly old Claus, dressed in read and with a murderous glee on his eyes, as he smiled, contemplating the chaos and destruction in front of him, stretched his neck. It was a very good Christmas present.

And then, he remembered something which made him frown, he should have attacked Nieder Ostland first, he had promised.

"Oh well", he thought, "old age has its disadvantages."

As this happened, a panicking and almost dead Jack Smith, President of Hakopam, pushed a small green button in his office.

"Hello?"

"Cosgrove? Is that you? Tell... the League... Santa... aaargh..."

"Mr. President? Mr. President? What the...?"

OOC: I'm not sure whether I should laugh or be very, very scared. A little of both, perhaps? :p

John Geis stood looking at the beautiful sights of the shops in the tiny village just a few miles from the capital of Hakopam. The light snow fall and pretty lights tore at his broken heart.

"If only Emily was here to see this... She loved Christmas..." A feint tear built up in his eyes as he turned to head to his waiting car. Warm and clean thanks to a gift certificate from the car cleaner next to the toy store. John knew that the gifts would help but since the loss of their mother just 10 months ago their hearts were broken and it would only be healed with time and his undying love.

Out of the corner of his eye h heard the squeak of snow as a person was approaching. But no there were several. It was not a single person, but several in unison marching. John turned quickly to make sure that he wasn't run over by a group of kids rushing around at the last minute preparing for the joy of tomorrow. As his eyes focused from the bright store front lights to the dark street that was barely lit he saw them!

It was a strange unsettling sight. There was a formation to the little children but they were different. The blood from their candy cane staffs was frightening. A large fat little child was upon a wild Reindeer. It's plumes of fiery breath light up the militaristic lines of children with a dire feel of impending doom.

But they were not children, they were strange, aliens? No, not aliens, they looked like elves of old. What John recalled of his children's tales woke up a strange joy for his belief in them, and the realization that the Elves were out for blood.

John threw his packages in front of him and dashed for his waiting car. He grasped quickly at the latch and threw himself head first into the vehicle. Fumbling for the keys he attempted to get the car into gear. It was then that Santa's force struck. The leader of the Elven Army launched his mount into the air screaming "On Donner!" and it flew 50 feet and perfectly crashed in a fury of fire and bent steel as the sharpened hooves of steel spikes dug into the hood.

The Beast of doom blew a blast of fire into the mangled hood and the car engine seized up. Surely something bad was to happen. The Elven army with their candy cane staffs soon encircled the vehicle. John was only able to scream with all his might as they smashed his windows, slashed his tires, ripped off quarter panels, and reached into his vehicle to drag him out onto the street and serve up justice for his naughty attitude over the past year.

His dying screams would normally be heard that night over hundreds of miles... if it weren't for the fact that he was not alone in his death throws.... Many naughty men and women would face their justice that night. The Grim reaper smiled with joy as he watched on from the shadows whispering, "Tonight's a good night to die John. Isn't it?" His meniacle laughter that followed after carried subtle screams of torment with it.

William Cosgrove sat alone, in his office, petrified. He had to do something, he knew, but he didn't know what. It had been difficult to adjust to being both Representative of Hakopam to the League, then President of the League, but this topped it all. Santa Claus had come to town indeed. And he wasn't happy.

The President was dead. The Government was dead. There were rumours that some members of Parliament were still alive, but those rumours involved a few details that made Cosgrove think they would prefer to be dead. All in all, the last important hakopan official left standing was him. And his brother, but he was in the UN. So it was him. He didn't know what to do.

He looked at his desk as he heard the epic screams coming from outside. It was a dark day, no sun, only coal, black, burning coal, falling from the sky. His breathing was hard and difficult. His face was pale as snow. His heart was broken. He didn't know how to handle this. It was too much.

The message he had received from Dhulus had given him some hope. It seemed that there was a possibility of help. Nieder Ostland's deutsch-viking warriors had also seemed keen to battle their ancient foe. Maybe they had some way to win this thing...

The phone rang.

Cosgrove picked up the receiver. "He-hello?"

A cheerful voice bombarded laughs from the other end. "Ho, ho, ho..."

Cosgrove gulped: "Is this... Is this Santa Claus?"

It was. It was Santa Claus, with his demands. He demanded immediate surrender. He demanded a human sacrifice of a thousand children. He demanded a thousand virgins were brought to the outskirts of Schwerd as the first tribute to him. Cosgrove could not believe his ears. He could never submit to such horrors. But what would happen if he didn't? Messing with an ancient spirit with a grudge would not be wise. What would be the wise thing to do, then?

Cosgrove pondered on the problem for a few seconds. It was the decision of his life, of his generation. He breathed in, deep, then talked to the receiver, firmly: "Fuck you, Santa."

From the other side, Santa laughed. "Ho, ho, ho... You dare defy me? I'll make kneel before Santa... See you later, foolish mortal." He hung up.

Cosgrove closed his eyes then opened them again. Something would happen. He just wasn't sure what. And he wasn't sure he wanted to know.

The clock stroke twelve and it was midnight. The man on the moon laughed coldly from above as various snowmen with machine guns patrolled the streets. People in rags and chains walked around also, their miserable looks glancing at the floor. Six day until Christmas day - they shuddered when they thought of this.

Throughout the city were gigantic signs of enormous proportions with a name (William Cosgrove), a picture (Cosgrove's face) and a word: "Wanted". Cosgrove had, for some reason, been able to elude Santa's forces and escape into the underground.

He had spent the last few hours looking for a safe haven, finally finding one in the form of a swampish old abandoned part of the city. He was only in possession of his clothes and cellphone, barely his sanity. He had declared war on Santa Claus. Losing his sanity was the least of his concerns.

Trying to weigh his options carefully, he broke a twig and immediatly fell to the floor. The silence he heard reassured him and he stood up again. Then, he took his cell phone out of his pocket and began browsing through the numbers.

"Dead, dead, dead, dead, too far away, dead, dead, dead..."

Finally, he settled for one number. Nobody answered. He tried again, and this time he heard a voice on the other side:

"Mr. President of the League?"

"Yes. Look, we're in serious trouble. Have you seen it in the news?

"Yes, Mr. President, we have. I called Queen. We await your instructions."

"Well, you're too far away to do much, at the moment. How soon can you inform everyone else and come back?"

"It's going to be difficult, sir. All airport traffic is down because of the war. I may be able to talk to the others, though. What should I say?"

"Tell them to prepare themselves for war."

"Sir?"

"We're going to kick Santa out of our country."

"Sir, if I may interject, what you propose to do is suicidal for all the agents. Santa Claus is definetly monitoring all means of communication. It won't be easy going back to Hakopam without getting caught."

Cosgrove sighed. It was true.

"Ok, look, tell the others to prepare other Nations for an invasion. Santa isn't done yet. I'll try and find another way to stop him."

Silence. Then an answer.

"Fine, Mr. President. I'll do what I can."

"That's all that's asked of you. Goodbye."

"Goodbye... sir..."

Cosgrove put the cellphone back into his pocked and walked around the place. He had to think. Defeating Santa Claus was imperative. But with little possibility of support, it would be quite difficult. He had to get to the Library of the Republic. Maybe he could find more information there.

That's when he heard a squeaky sound from behind him.

"There he is."

Santa walked around his office on the North Pole. It had been a good day. Hakopam was at his mercy. For some reason he had been unable to kill Cosgrove, but that would be a matter of time.

"Now, my germanic friend, let's see how your 'vikings' handle me now..."

He licked his lips, almost tasting the blood that would soon fall.

The dank dungeon smelled of mildew. It all seemed like a vivid nightmare. Cosgrove sat on the floor, with his eyes on the ceiling. He had to get out of there. Somehow.

The door creaked. A pair of antlers and a shiny red nose suddenly invaded the space previously solely occupied by Cosgrove.

"Santa wants to talk to you."

"Tell him to go to hell!"

Rudolph smiled.

"My dear fellow, where do you think we are?"

Cosgrove gulped. This was not the aswer he was looking for.

The world is in jeopardy. Santa claus is gonna kill us all. We gotta do something....oh wait, he said i would be last...nevermind...enjoy your doom fellow peoples. We here at Private Dunkum will be having a Christmas/end of the world party. All are invited. Bring snacks and drinks. Santa, Enjoy your mad rampage, I know I will.

Rudolph took Cosgrove up the stairs and into a small, merry-looking, office in a corner. It was Santa's place.

Santa had just finished writing something when Cosgrove came into the office. It was warm inside.

Santa looked at Cosgrove from the corner of his eye and smiled.

"Well, now, if it isn't our good little boy..."

He stood up.

"Cosgrove, kneel before Santa!"

Cosgrove felt a compelling force, a force so strong he thought he wouldn't resist it. But he did. He had a strength in him that he had never felt before, a strength he never thought he might possess. He stood firm, with cold eyes directed at the fat man with a beard and rosy cheeks in front of him.

"Very well. Have it your way. Rudolph?"

Cosgrove never knew what hit him.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Santa Claus

TO: Dunkum

Look here, you - you're only last because of those blasted proper authorities. But that doesn't mean your end of the world party won't consist in your end as well...

Remember this the next time you think about funny things.

Also, remember you are at war. When I get to you, it will be easy...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know all of that, but that isn't going to keep me from having a good time while I still can. I'm going to be partying for the next week. When you get to me, my people will be weakened by war and drink so i expect your elves will have a great feast.

Rudolph flew hastily into the night. It was cold. It was always frigging cold. Santa had been very clear on his intentions. And Rudolph did not want to let Santa down.

everyone, be prepared to fend off elves and reindeer and all kinds of crazy crap. if necessary throw chairs, sodas, snacks, and people who are smaller than you.

:: Word spreads through the military secret division of Project Deuce. Commander of the Elite assassins Gerald stands in front of his 10 unit leaders each with a group of 20 elite force members under their command. The dank and sealed off bunker in the middle of the training ground desert landscape far flung from society was where the congregated that ominous day.::

Gerald speaks out, “Now then... you going to gather up your men and head to aid our neighbors to the north in Hakopam. They have come under dire straights and without a military they are effectively useless in protecting themselves from this new threat.”

Colonel Daniel speaks out, “What new threat?”

“There is this new military force. Back from out of the mothballs. Normally they are peace loving and generous... But now they are bent on world destruction. And... it's Santa.”

The room bursts out with laughter. The uncontrollable chortling and tear filled laughs fill the small room with such volume that everything stops for a Minute.

“Men!!” Gerald satiates the laughter for a moment. “This is a real threat and The president of Hakopam is either dead or assumed captured.”

The men instantly start back up with their laughter and add in comments; “Guess who's been a bad boy this year?!”; “Come sit on MY lap little boy!”; “Is that a candy cane or are you happy to see me Santa?!”

The Laughing goes on for a few more minutes the Gerald trying to hold back his own laughter interrupts, “MEN!!! This is serious, we are sending you in to locate Hakopam's president and extract him from the area so that we can regroup with more firepower.”

The men calm down and one speaks up calmly, “What weapons are we going up against?” Another man responds to answer, “He has toy planes that shoot non-child proof plastic missiles, then we choke to death on the product.” The room quickly erupts back into laughter.

Gerald shouts this time, “Enough!!!, you will load for bear and head out to coordinates 12-131-45-1223. Another word and you gets kicked down a grade and are made my personal assistant. Got it?!”

The men stand at attention and salute “God's will!”

The units head out and to the hangers to gather up their forces and follow the Intel reports that are sketchy at best. 6 Units will head in first and secure a landing place. 4 more will follow with extra supplies and medical needs. These units are efficient at worst, and lethally precise at best. They were uncertain what they would face, and the fact that so many had been called up sent a chill of fear down their spines. This was not looking good. Something was wrong. It may be a fake Santa, but it' such a sick concept that they may have quite a lot of tricks up their sleeves.

On to Bauma!

Cosgrove was in front of Santa, who looked at him with clenched teeth.

"It seems some friends of yours are being naughty at the moment."

Cosgrove's thoughts turned to his homeland and how it seemed there was a chance. Then he remembered where he was, and wondered why he was still alive.

"Why am I here? Why haven't you killed me?"

Santa whispered the next sentence in a low, serpentine voice.

"Because I can't." He smiled. "I don't know why, but I'll find out. In the meantime, you'll provide me with some necessary entertainment." Santa's eyes locked onto Cosgrove's. "Dance."

"Excuse me?"

"DANCE, FOOLISH MORTAL! DO NOT MAKE ME UNLEASH MY WRATH UPON YOU!"

Cosgrove felt a strange impulse coming from within.

"Ha! Your full wrath? You can't even kill me! Tell you what, I'm leaving through that door and you're not going to stop me."

With this, he turned to the door and walked confidently towards it. Red with rage, Santa roared and the door closed in a thunderous boom.

"I SHALL NOT PUT UP WITH THIS INSOLENCE!"

"Yes. You will. Because you can't kill me.", Cosgrove said, calmly.

Santa clenched his fist and battered it on the table. He stood up and walked towards Cosgrove with a menacing growl. His eyes were red with fury, and his robes were crimson with the fire of his anger. His arms were stretched as if to catch Cosgrove's neck.

Cosgrove tried to run and open the door but to no avail. He was going to suffer and he knew it. But it had been worth it.

Kalzenstien, Lachenburg

Major Ottorechter, a broad man in his late 40's, kicked open the door to Barrack-6, his polished black boots clacking on the concrete floor.

" GET UP YOU LAZY MAGGOTS!!"

Each man, now fully awake, scrambled out of their and pulled on various parts of their uniforms, as the Major shouted dubiously at them. Finally, each man was ready and stood at attention, in front of their bunks.

Ottorecheter now stood at the front of the room and scowled at the soliders, annoyed by their lack of speed.

" Alright you lazy sacks of crap. Were on full alert; report to the Commons area ASAP. Otherwise Ill put this boot of mine through your bloody Arses!"

Immeadeatley a chorus of "Yes, Sir!"s filled the small room and each of the men began to file out to the commons area.

Finishing his job at Barrack-6, Ottorechter Immeadeatley traveled over to Barrack-7 and did the same thing. Within 10 minuites, every solider in the garrison was standing at attention in the Commons area.

Stepping out of the darkness of the early morning, Colonel Erwin Hausenhoff desended upon the group, eyeing each solider with his typical glare. Once absolute silence was achieve the General began to speak.

" Im sure your wondering why we have awoken you at 3:00 am. Well, the reason is quite simple."

After briefly clearing his throat, the Colonel continued.

" It seems as if Good ol' Saint Nick has been ravaging the far off country of Hakopam and he's looking to expanding his reign of terror. As ridiculous as it sounds, the Ministry of Defense as order all Major Towns and Installations, within Lachenburg should be defended as soon as possible. As we speak, the majority of the Lachanburgian Airforce has been placed on a 5 min notice and aircraft are patrolling the skies. The 1st Infantry Division has been assigned the task of managing all Anti-Aircraft Installations around Kalzenstien. After this breifing is complete, you will report to your Company commanders and they will tell you what installation you will be assigned to. So suit up and get to your battle-stations as soon as possible. After all, you wouldnt want little elves ravaging our great nation. You're dissmised."

The Colonel faded back into the darkness, as he left the commons area. Within 5 minuites almost every solider in the garrison was armed and ready to report to their assigned areas.

It was going to be a long night in Lachenburg.

Rudolph was getting nearer and nearer to his goal. His antlers were in full alert. Suddenly, there was a buzzing sound and Rudolph dodged as quickly as he could, firing his nose while doing it. The missile exploded violently as though it had a cold. It had been a very near miss.

The Red-Nosed-Reindeer accelerated into a spectacular speed, dodging missiles as he cruised towards his goal: Dunkum's living room. His orders were clear: leave nothing left standing. He would fulfil his duties with glee.

The house was right in front of him. He could see Dunkum going about, makin preparations for the party. He smiled sadisticly, as his nose became redder and redder. When it was ready to burst, Rudolph let out a scream of pain. He never felt pain before. He looked around and trembled in fear.

It was a Proper Authority.

The Proper Authority glared at Rudolph.

"We meet again, Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer."

Rudolph cursed.

"It seems you have not forgotten me. What are you doing here, Rudolph?"

Rudolph looked at the ground below him with angry eyes.

"It won't help your case, Reindeer of the Shiny Nose, by not talking to me. Now tell me - what's going on."

Rudolph felt as though his mind was being scanned for relevant information. He tried to close it, but the Proper Authority was more powerful than he was. He didn't stand a chance. With sad eyes, he succumbed and let that all his thoughts be read by the Proper Authority.

Meanwhile, the first few guests seemed to be arriving at Dunkum's house. A party during a war. Dunkum was insane. But Rudolph couldn't touch him. He suddenly had an idea, and tried his best to conceal it from the Proper Authority. As it had been scanning a different part of his mind, he was successful. His visage remained sombre, though, so the Proper Authority wouldn't try again.

"Very well.", the Proper Authority said. "I have the information I need. Tell your master he will never have enough power to defeat us." Rudolph looked at the Proper Authority.

"Now go!", the Proper Authority commanded.

Rudolph once again flew away. But not in the direction of the North Pole.

hey...you could come to the party too, you know. its quite fun. besides, its not like im not protected for the time being. so join in, there is dancing, food, drinks, chairs, hot chicks, all sorts of things that make a party what it is.

"Lamdan! Lamdan! Santa Claus is trying to invade the world!"

The Chinkopodian secretary poked his head around the wall, wary of incoming wine bottles. However, he was not about to get wet. The Sultan was cowering under a wastepaper basket. Oh no.....and so close to Christmas too. Kradal's finally flipped. Well, more than usual.

"Sir, you haven't been taking the LSD again, have you? I though I locked it up."

"No! NO! Look at this!"

Lamdan peered at the television screen. It was showing OTBC (Olgiy Telecom Broadcasting Company):





"This is Breaking News from our forgein affairs reporter, Haglan Shaska. Over to you:

Yes, I'm here on the outskirts of Hakopam, to all Chinkians back home, you're not going to belive what is going on - this nation is being invaded by no more than an immortal anthropomorphic personification! By SANTA CLAUS, FATHER CHRISTMAS, PAPA KREIKERMAUSS FOR SULTAN'S SAKE! This is ridiculous! I've had to keep a safe distance, but you can just make out ranks of elves, or some minions, over there. Hakopam is putting up defenses, but it's no use - they're being mowed down as we speak! I don't know if this is just some quirk, but I think I can say that no nation is safe from the fat bearded bloke! This is Haglan Shaska, reporting worriedly for OTBC news."






The Sultan finally lifted the dustbin off his head.

"Lamdan, we have little time! Raise the airforce and the navy!"

"We have neither sir, we're landlocked."

"Just raise everything we have! OK," said the Sultan, in possibly the first sane comment since Friday, "tell all Militia in each city to gather guerilla-style weapons, hide out and hold anyone off in the city fringes. Raise the military and tell 5,000 of them to guard the Erdenet ring-road, place 100 of our anti-aircraft batteries and 40 artillery batteries around it. Tell the rest, the 50 other anti-aircraft guns and 10 artillery batteries to guard the route from Erdenet to the International Jagonian Highway in case of a large-scale evacuation. Telegram Jagonia - Jarius Naxel personally - and tell them to provide some more troops, they have a large military."

"Sir, that was intelligent." replied Lamdan, shocked.

"I know."

"Are you sure you're feeling well?"

"Yes, obviously. My cheesecake told me so."

Hey, you dont have to fight, just come to my party. you can watch citizens of neighboring lands being destroyed. plus there is all kinds of food and juk.

TO: Private Dunkum
FROM: Chinkopodia

Yeah, sure, count me in STOP Can Jagonia come too QUESTION MARK

END MESSAGE

"Lamdan, don't do a thing which I just said!"

"What? I thought you were sane again!?"

"But we're invited to a party - with FOOD! So it's OK now!"

"Sir?"

"JUST DO IT!"

Everyone is invited. if you know any good recipes, bring some of that. heck, go ahead and bring in bad recipes, we can throw them at stuff. its front row seats to the end of the world.

TO: Private Dunkum
FROM: Chinkopodia

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay STOP

END MESSAGE.

Santa looked at the map of the world. Nieder Ostland was supposed to be next, but jed decided to be sneaky.

"These two Nations here, Lachenburg and Chinkwhatsername, they look really funny. Plus, I haven't been teasing them as I have the ones in the League. Soooo... Let's see. Damnit! Lachenburg has prepared its defences. That's tough. But... oh, look here. Isn't it precious? The Sultan I infected with coke addiction when he was an infant has left his country thoroughly unprepared."

Santa reached for the phone.

"Frost? Jack Frost? Santa here. Look, Frost, I have an assignement for you. Yes, I know it's late. You'll get a bonus, don't worry, now listen to me: take your batallion of umeltable snowmen and the extra B-12 sleighs. Yes, the ones in the back, yes. No, not the green one, that one has an oil leak. Yes. Yes, fine, take them. Right. Now, I want you to take your batallion and the sleighs and bombard Chinkopodia. Yes, I know it's a change of plans, but they seem to be asking for it. What's that? No, the elves are in Hakopam and here at the moment, I can't spare any. Yes. Ok, cool, fine, talk to you later."

Santa then looked at Cosgrove, a bloody mess at that moment after the whipping and lashing he had endured.

"Your country will have company in a moment."

Cosgrove shivered but remained firm. "That bastard will pay..."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Jack Frost looked at the houses below. What a carnage it would be. He laughed.

"Men! Drop your frozen turkeys on the target!"

So they did. The explosions could be heard many a mile away. The screams filled the air with a deadly atmosphere. It wasn't the capital city, but it was close. It was really close.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Yay! A party!

Everyone, come to my party, you and ypur country will die anyway, so why not have some fun beforehand. While you're here, Santa cant get you. At least, not until he kills everyone else. Everyone is invited, especially the insane, or otherwise mentally handicapped.

Cosgrove sat on the floor of his dungeon. The war had been going on for what seemed like an eternity... but was actually only three days...

His eyes were sore and he was feeling a very big headache. Lack of sleep and an extreme amount of being beaten up, most likely.

He fell on the floor, eyes closed, heart only faintly beating.

When Cosgrove opened his eyes, he was in the middle of seemingly infinitely large plains. It was difficult for him to breathe, but he was otherwise ok. He looked around him, blinking.

"W expect great things from you, William Cosgrove."

The figures looked at Cosgrove intensely through their white eyes.

Cosgrove was amazed at how quick he was to react:

"Who are you?"

One of the figures looked straight at him and intoned:

"We are the Proper Authorities."

Cosgrove sighed in relief. At last, a real hope for salvation.

"We understand Santa Claus has been hampering with your world in the most illicit and moronic of ways. As the Proper Authorities, it is our duty to do something about this."

The pause was breathtaking. Another figure carried on.

"You shall receive, under your personal command, an army of spiritual proportions. It will be composed of Proper Authorities. Private Dunkum, our former protegé, has been most unsatisfactory, so we turn to you, William Cosgrove, as our liaison with the material world."

Another pause. Yet another figure carried on.

"You shall have, under your command, one hundred Proper Authorities. You will have to lead them in battle against the Clausian forces. It is our test to you that you devise the correct strategy to win this war."

A third pause. Cosgrove was going to thank the Proper Authorities for their intervention when one of them began to speak.

"For this however, there is a price. The price is the girl that works in the Stealth Department in the Confederacy of Dunkum."

"Why-why her of all people?"

"Because we know she is very close to your heart. And to win this war, sacrifices must be made. Either you sacrifice her, or you sacrifice your country and the world. You cannot have both."

Cosgrove could not believe his ears.

"Why is this so? Why don't you simply help us?"

The biggest of the Proper Authorities looked at Cosgrove straight in the eye.

"Because that is not the way of Reality. For every action, there is a cost you have to pay. Thus it is and thus it has always been."

The infinity grew silent. No even the wind dared blow. Cosgrove had to choose. The entities disappeared and he was left alone, a light in the midst of darkness.

The cold winter air was refreshing to these over trained troops. Though they joked about the assault, they knew inside that there was a serious problem for 10 units to be scrambled on a holiday to head into Hakopam. Something was really wrong, and some nut case calling himself Santa was trying to take over a allied nation. Death was coming to anyone who was going to stand in their way. Or at least that is what they repeated in their heads over and over to get the rage up in their hearts.

As the transports were heading into the city will full speed they looked over the capital now on the horizon. Fire was breaking out in various buildings. What seemed like a rampaging mob passed through the streets here and there. You couldn't tell for 10 miles out what or who they were, but the flame lit items that moved over their heads gave tell tale signs that they were people and not vehicles or some figment of the imagination.

L opened up his sniper rifle and looked over the landing area with the high grade scope. The courtyard of the city hall was clear and free of any people or commotion. Very strange he thought to him self. “We look clear G.”

G replied loudly over the repetitive thumping of the helicopter blades just a foot over head, “B! 6 down. D! 10 Circle entrance. A! Hold the ship.” He then loaded his assault riffle and cleared the safety mechanism. “5 foot! Go!”

The craft was hovering over the ground at about 5-10 feet. As the group followed their instructions... D took 10 men and headed directly for the entrance to the city hall. B took his 6 men and took position under the helicopter to offer cover fire to anyone who would attempt to rush the group.

L fired off a shot into the darkness from under the helicopter, “Hot LZ! Secure!” As he was yelling the form of an elf came out of the shadows. It's head opened up by the .50 shot like a watermelon. You could see through the skull like it were a peep hole. Then the attack started. From a 5 story apartment building a cannon fired. The white gunk was treacherous and was aimed at the blades of the helicopter. It quickly coagulated on the blades and a high whine was coming from the engines that now were incapable of maintaining lift. The helicopter spun in a circle and made a forced landing in between the 7 men still scrambling to get out of the way underneath it.

For the darkened alleyway along side the apartment building and near several shops in the courtyard rapid looking polar bears broke ranks with their darkened keepers and charged at the strike force with hunger. The men opened fire at anything and everything. Their automatic guns created a thunderous rumble as they tried tacking out as many of the creatures as they could. 4 fell, one was seriously injured and was straining to kill the man he happened to fall upon. 2 more that were unharmed tore into the ranks of the men by the helicopter and started to rend flesh from their still kicking bodies.

The sight was gruesome and the 2 fighting bears were quickly put down by head shots when they noticed the white forms coming into the courtyard. The fountain near by also hid 5 more white forms that were intent on attacking the group that was daring to step in their hollowed lands. G yelled out, “Get that door open!”

D and his men set coverfire and F took a high explosive container and attached it to the door with a small anchor gun. Three shots and F had the container over the latching mechanism, and he detonated the blast which sounded as a quiet low decibel boom. The doors now smoking were open and ready to gain entry into. As D turned to look over the area, 50 snow men were approaching the area with wicked looking nail endowed clubs and wielding snowballs in the other.

G yelled out, “Grenades! Retreat to the hall!” As he opened fire on the snow men, his machine gun blasted bits and chunks of snowman. As each piece was removed by overwhelming force, the snowmen would regenerate the hole and proceed further at the group at an alarming rate. They first threw snow balls at the men. Most managed to dodge them. But K was unlucky and took one to the face. Upon impact K started to scream in horror. His few points of visible skin turned bright white and his body started to expand. Even constricted by the armor and clothes he burst at the seems and riped everything he was wearing to shreds. If anyone managed to watch this sickening display for the minute that it took, they would have seen K transform into a mindless snowman who would quickly turn on his friends and comrades.

While this was going on, the men lobbed their grenades at the oncoming horde of snowmen. With each destination the ranks would dwindle to almost nothing, but the snowmen would reform after a few seconds and reconstitute another attack against the soldiers. As the men were backing away the sounds of reinforcements from unit 3 and 4 could be heard overhead.

Both units unloaded on the snowmen and dropped incendiary grenades on the snow creatures. This managed to hold them back and the much smaller unit 1 entered into city hall and laid out their defenses.

G called into headquarters, “HQ! We got a problem. They are attacking with snowmen and rabid attack bears. We need attack planes in the air for troop support. This is going to be a messy stretch of road that we are going to attempt to take.”

Unit 1 was down to 9 men now. Unit 3 and 4 were overhead offering intelligence and aircover for the time being. Outside the City hall missiles shot out like a machine gun and the explosions that filled the 2 block radius were like fireworks that you would not want to be trapped in. The city was a hell on earth and they were the ones who were going to bring order to their friends and neighbors. Unit 2, 5, and 6 was heading for the power supply station when it was hit with anti-air candy. All would die a fiery death. Stealth unit 7, 8, 9 were in route to the underground rail system, and unit 10 was making a touchdown at the City Hall with reinforcements.

The assault was not looking good.

Santa looked at the map of the world. Nieder Ostland was supposed to be next, but jed decided to be sneaky.

"These two Nations here, Lachenburg and Chinkwhatsername, they look really funny. Plus, I haven't been teasing them as I have the ones in the League. Soooo... Let's see. Damnit! Lachenburg has prepared its defences. That's tough. But... oh, look here. Isn't it precious? The Sultan I infected with coke addiction when he was an infant has left his country thoroughly unprepared."

Santa reached for the phone.

"Frost? Jack Frost? Santa here. Look, Frost, I have an assignement for you. Yes, I know it's late. You'll get a bonus, don't worry, now listen to me: take your batallion of umeltable snowmen and the extra B-12 sleighs. Yes, the ones in the back, yes. No, not the green one, that one has an oil leak. Yes. Yes, fine, take them. Right. Now, I want you to take your batallion and the sleighs and bombard Chinkopodia. Yes, I know it's a change of plans, but they seem to be asking for it. What's that? No, the elves are in Hakopam and here at the moment, I can't spare any. Yes. Ok, cool, fine, talk to you later."

Santa then looked at Cosgrove, a bloody mess at that moment after the whipping and lashing he had endured.

"Your country will have company in a moment."

Cosgrove shivered but remained firm. "That bastard will pay..."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Jack Frost looked at the houses below. What a carnage it would be. He laughed.

"Men! Drop your frozen turkeys on the target!"

So they did. The explosions could be heard many a mile away. The screams filled the air with a deadly atmosphere. It wasn't the capital city, but it was close. It was really close.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Bl**dy Sultan....party...matter of national security....."

Lamdan walked hurriedly through the ranks of soldiers. Despite the Sultan's blubbering, he'd gone ahead with the defense measures while the Sultan had left for his 'party'. Moron. But with the Sultan on...err....'diplomatic' activities, Lamdan had taken charge.

"Oh standing-in Sultan Lamdan!"

"Yes?"

"We're facing bombardment!"

"What by?"

"Frozen turkeys, sir!"

"What brand?"

"Sir, it's a DEFCOM 1 make.....they're from Waitrose...."

Lamdan shuddered. After a pause, he spoke into the loudspeaker mike, alerting by recently-placed loudpeakers all troops around the Erdenet ring road.

"Anti-aircraft batteries ready! FIRE!"

There was an array of muffled thumps from around Lamdan and the horizon. The AA Batteries fired their round, ther first batch of turkeys exploded, in mid-air, in a shower of icicles. Excellent...

"Sir,they're coming in fast!"

"And?"

"We can't get new ammo in quick enough, any more of this and some will get through - we can't afford many losses!"

"Dammit. Time for plan B......"

Lamdan produced a tablet PC from his jacket pocket, which brought up the Admin CP, and tapped a button.

THIS IS THE PLACE TO MOVE YOUR NATION FROM ONE REGION TO ANOTHER. A FLEET OF MILITARY-GRADE CHOPPERS WILL FLY IN AND PHYSICALLY TRANSPORT CHINKOPODIA TO A BETTER LOCATION.

He tapped the Enter key. Almost instantaneously, a fleet of state-of-the-art, hi-tech military helicopters dropped grappling hooks around the capital. He'd never know how they did it, but....


"OK! YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO, REEL THEM IN!"

About 10,000 men ran out towards the hooks at that moment and attached them to standard issue abseil reels. With te soldiers holding on to the ropes, the reels were activated and the helicopters sank lower.....and lower.....

---------------------------------------

"THOSE ON THE AA BATTERIES, GET BACK TO THEM! THOSE ALLOCATED FOR ARTILERY BATTERIES, STAY WARY ON THOSE FOR LOW-FLYING SLEIGHS! FROM THE REELING TEAMS, I WANT 4 TO A CHOPPER AND THE REST ON GROUND LEVEL!"

It had been a VERY good idea - Lamdan had awarded the man who came up with it 500 chinks, although that man happened to be himself. There was only a small budget for military from the Government waste, and any planes of choppers would have been too expensive. But now they had a WHOLE FLEET of hi-tech military choppers! Take that, Santa! Lamdan raised a chant over the loudspeakers.

"IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY.....

'You'd better watch out..."

OOC: Before you ask, I never said Lamdan carried out the Sultan's order not to put up defenses as he said. Who in their right minds would obey everything an eccentric Sultan said? :p

Jack Frost saw the helicopters coming. He didn't like it one bit. They looked much stronger than standard fare for humans. For the first time in his career, he was afraid. Nevertheless, the show had to go on.

The frozen turkeys were being destroyed before they hit the ground, so he changed his plans.

"MEN! JUMP OUT OF THE SLEIGHS ON MY SIGNAL! ONE! TWO! THREE! JUUUuuump...!"

It started to rain snowmen. An amazing sight, had it not been for the machine-guns in their twigs. The sleighs were easily dispatched of by the helicopters, which were drawing nearer and nearer.

On the ground, a horrible battle ensued. Cigar in his mouth, two machine-guns on his twigs, Jack Frost wandered around, shooting at everything that moved and shouting loudly. It was going to be a huge massacre, even if he felt he couldn't win. The other snowmen were causing mayhem across the city, as usual, but something seemed to be amiss.

Jack Frost did not have time to think about what was missing. He had to carry on. And on he carried. Shooting and maiming and laughing and generically acting like a villain. He was enjoying himself terribly.

That happiness did not last for long, though. The helicopters arrived and started shooting. That was when Frost noticed what was missing. He didn't light his cigar. That wasn't good, he thought, as he saw his comrades getting slaughtered by helicopter fire.

"Curses..."

Jack Frost, the Snowman without fear, was running for his existence on the streets and on the alleys of a city he had never heard about, where a moronic sultan ruled. He was afraid. For the first time in his career, he was afraid. He stopped. He couldn't take it anymore.

"I won't survive. But I don't care. I'll take them with me."

He turned his machine-guns to the sky.

"Come and get me, you sons of pregnant dogs!"

It's like a thread made about my nation.

OOC: Before you ask, I never said Lamdan carried out the Sultan's order not to put up defenses as he said. Who in their right minds would obey everything an eccentric Sultan said? :p

OOC: Fine by me. This "war" is meant to be the definition of godmoding - only here, godmoding is encouraged, rather than excluded. Also, you were being bombarded with frozen turkeys! Don't worry about explaing stuff. This war is impossible to explain. :D

The remaining troops not in the choppers had marched out towards the snowmen, and the two sides clashed. Lamdan had been watching the general, he looked like trouble. Then, all of a sudden, he burst through the ranks towards the city. There was little time.

--------------------------------

The choppers had seen him too, and about 1/4 of them pulled off and surrounded him while flying, shooting wildly towards the ground - but every time they destroyed a small bit, it healed itself. They needed to destroy it in one go...

-------------------------------

Meanwhile, Lamdan spyed an un-manned artillery battery. Yes! Sprinting towards it, he noticed a snowman making for it.....grabbing his machine gun, he opened fire on the snowman's head. The two coals it called eyes richoched off its face, leaving it momentarily stunned. Lamdan jumped into the seat and mobilized it, running over the snowman. He did a U-Turn and shot into the street.

-------------------------------

Jack Frost had made a massive snowball. He twirled around, as if throwing a discus, and it flew into the sky. It smashed into a helicopter, which plummeted towards the ground and burst into pieces. HA! These choppers were useless, they could only chip off small bits of snow, which he could easily repair. Suddenly, he was aware of an engine throb behind him. He turned around.....

---------------------------------

Lamdan flicked the fire button. With a huge exlosion and a burst of flame, a rocket shot out from the artillery battery, whooshing through the air. Almost as quickly as it shot out, it collided with Jack Frost and exploded, leaving the buildings around it with scorch marks, but nothing more. When the smoke cleared, all that was left was a small puddle on the road and drops of water on some of the walls on either side of the high street.

--------------------------------

The troops had only been in a few minute's combat with the snowmen, having suffered few losses, when the snowmen crumbled - every single one of them. With Jack Frost defeated, the snowmen could not exist. The troops erupted in a cheer. It was over.

"Hey, sultan, have you heard, someone from your nation is fighting back, its pretty wierd, they commandeered those helicopters that move your nation."

*Tom sits back down on the couch and drinks some rum. he has the news on because no one has any good movies to watch, so he has to get his entertainment by watching the war.*

Santa looked at his television, shocked.

"What, what, what?!"

Then, an elf came bursting into the room.

"Santa! Sir! Cosgrove has disappeared!"

Santa looked at the ceiling, in fury.

"This just keeps getting better and better...", he spat at noone in particular.

Then, with an abrupt gesture, he killed the elf. Taking a telephone into his hands, he called Rudolph.

"Is everything going well on your side, at least? What? Aha! Fine, fine."

Once more, Santa was smiling.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Cosgrove sat on the floor, looking at a picture from her. He had no time. And yet he had to think.

Cosgrove stood up. It was the twenty-fourth day of December. It was time. He had to choose - and he had chosen.

"Proper Authorities, I have made my decision."

The Proper Authorities re-appeared.

"I will take the Army."

The Proper Authorities nodded.

One of them spoke.

"Your choice has been noted. The girl is with us, now. Here's your army."

And with this, he disappeared. The remainder of the Proper Authorities formed a square and stood in attention.

"Proper Authorities, it's time to kick Santa where it hurts."

They all disappeared and the plains became silent.

hey, cool, i didnt know they had an army, this will be most amusing. even santa cannot beat them. oh, crap, no more bean dip, ill have to get some more.

(Sorry for the delay, all you interested parties)

The day stood still. 24 days after the first of December, a few days after the war had began, it would end.

It was Christmas. It was snowing. In the middle of the North Pole, the Proper Authorities crushed the elves with might and melted the snowmen with glee. They were powerless before their strength.

Cosgrove was strolling around the battlefield, looking for something to do, when he saw Santa Claus. Santa Claus saw him. Their eyes met. A gong was heard. Cosgrove ran towards Santa Claus. Santa Claus ran towards Cosgrove. The camera moved between one and the other until they clashed with the sound of thunder. A techno tune began playing.

For some reason unexplained, Cosgrove began a series of stunning kung-fu-ish moves that stunned Santa, but didn't defeat him. Santa was a professional sumo wrestler, and took off his red robes to reveal his sumo-uniform. He waved crashed one foot on the ground, then the next, all the while grunting merrily. Then he ran towards Cosgrove, who jumped, in bullet-time, and landed on Santa's back, did a backflip, then landed on the ground, ready for Santa's next move.

A series of rapid punches followed, then a choreographic medley of stunts and acrobatic kicks. The music kept with the battle's pace, its beat never varying. They were both very fast, Santa's almost-naked body growing whiter by the second. For some reason, neither of them let off any blood. Th

Santa looked at him in fury: "FOOL! NOW YOU DIE!" Cosgrove smirked and put himself into some sort of defensive position. The music stopped. In slow-motion Santa charged towards Cosgrove, letting out a tremendous growl. But Cosgrove was prepared. He stretched his arm exactly at the right moment, hitting Santa's chest and with it, his heart. Santa dropped to his knees, looked up, then fell on floor. His eyes never closed. His body disappeared into thin air. With it went both the elves, the snowmen, the Proper Authorities and all other strange beings, all over the world. All the effects of Santa's attack were undone.

Except for one thing. The girl in the Stealth Department of Hakopam's Embassy in Dunkum had disappeared.

Alone in the North Pole, Cosgrove was now driven by one question. "How will I get out of here?" he thought.

THE END

The confederacy of Private Dunkum ofdicially sends our thanks to Cosgrove of Hakopam for saving the world from this disaster. we will dispatch a helicopter to the North Pole to pick up all of those people who are trapped there. you will be brought here for some rest and to celebrate in our continuing party. After this, you will be sent home.