NationStates Jolt Archive

-OOC-
Pre-War Chaos and IC "Justification"
http://forums2.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=375310

No, this is not a serious war. Yes, this is Modern Tech. Yes, there's a Zircon, a Future Tech critter. No, it won't get directly involved.

If you're wondering where all of that hardware came from... Well, there's a Zircon there for a reason. ^_^


-IC-

Landon Smith, General, groaned as he plopped down in his tent on the row boat, flopping down on the pile of blankets he slept on.

This was, without a doubt, a logistics nightmare. A million and a half people, twelve thousand tanks, and five thousand attack helicopters. Packed into freaking SUBMARINES AND ROWBOATS!!!

What use were rowboats, anyway!? Sure, there were rocket launchers, everyone kept forgetting they were there! He couldn't count the number of times he tripped over the damn thing on his way to throw up thanks to the damn sea sickness or take a piss over the edge of the boat.

Well, it was better than the catapults on the submarines. Smith just hoped the Rosians wouldn't notice them...


That night, he got the idea. Leaky boatloads of refugees! All the nations had them!

Smiling wickedly, Smith set his plan into motion. He would be victorious, worthy of seeing the Goddess. And everyone knew, by very definition...

Goddesses were hot...

As an Ally of TIOR, I'm afraid I'll have to destroy you...

-OOC-

Heh. I'm all for it, but we'll see what TIOR says.

The army doesn't really have a home base anymore, since the Zircon sending them scrapped it, and most of the structures on thier island, to make thier fleet and hardware. This isn't a serious RP at all, so damage won't really be realistic. ^_^

Just a little forwarning. All non-Zircon-controlled nations must post exact numbers. Down to the decimal point. If you don't post a decimal point, you're disqualified and ZOMG IGNORED!!!!!1111oneoneoneoneone!!

(Ten points if you can tell I'm kidding. ^_^)

As an Ally of TIOR, I'm afraid I'll have to destroy you...

((OOC: It was pre-arranged.))

Damn, I feel like having a war...

-OOC-

Go ahead and jump in. Just expect to lose forces in idiotic ways. (Planes shot down by catapults, ships disabled when burning rowboats are thrown at them, ect.) ^_^

Don't mind the chaos of the next few posts. It's not supposed to be written well. ^_^


-IC-

The boats came slowly, looking every bit like the traditional leaky boatload of refugees, waving white flags. (A few appeared soiled, however, as if someone wiped thier- ewwwww...)

They had a secret, however. A terrible secret. For they were the space robots, they were there to protect you, they were there to protect you from the terrible secret of- wait, nevermind.

They weren't leaky boatloads of refugees at all. They were from the Holy Glorious Fleet Of Burning Demise And Utter Anihilashun (sic) Due To Stabbing With Pointy Burning Things. (Name under revision.) The fleet of the Zircon Hive Lord known as Kathxeth.

Comming ever closer to the military ships at TIOR's north-western coast, the ships started rummaging through the big boxes in the center of the ships, giggling.

The TIOR ships would be in for a big surprise. A big surprise like... EXPLOSIVES!! GAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Port Rose, Rose City, City of Rose. It doesn't matter, it was the capital of the nation. The Coast Guard, recently bought and renamed from Hamptonshire, was on patrol again. When they noticed the massive amount of refugees heading towards the city... well not they. Actually, it was an Armados Class Police Boat. Could be armed to the teeth if need me.

But luckily, it was only armed with an M2 MachineGun. We wouldn't want to kill any refugees right?

The Armados approached the leaky rowboats. "This is PAB-77 to RS-Base. It's a bunch of leaky rowboats. Origin unknown."

The 3rd Fleet was ironically in the area. Admiral John Edwards was in charge today. "This is the 3rd Fleet, he's right. There are only rowboats. I don't know what's so dangerous about them."

"All right." said the man operating Port Rose's radio. "Leave them alone, 3rd Fleet, continue your usual rounds. Out."

The 3rd Fleet then continuted merrily along, but the Armados didn't leave. It was still on its usual route. And then, it was joined up by another Armados Class.

"Oh heya Bob." said PAB-77.

PAB-75 replied. "Heya Hertz. I guess we're just going on our normal rounds."

"Yup." was the reply.

But it wouldn't be so normal. It would be very very strange.

Snickering, the crews of the refugee boats edged ever closer to the ships of the TIOR fleet. It was then that they revealed the charges, slapping the magnetic end onto the hulls and punching in the activator codes.

However... much to thier dismay, the display on the bombs were shown by the computer, which was promptly fried by the magnetism.

"... Is this thing on...?"

"... I don't think so. Hit the activator again..."

A TIOR soldier looked over the edge, blinking. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Uhh... Pizza delivery for-"

They didn't get a chance to finish as the charge went off, sending the "refugees" flying.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"Shut up, you idiot!"

The Rosian soldier watched as the soldiers flew into the air. "What the fuck?!" He drew out his RAR-1C and started firing into the flying bodies, not knowing if he was shooting anything. The Rosian soldiers on his boat proceeded to do so.

Meanwhile, more Armados Class Police Boats were transfered from the North-Eastern side of the Island towards the North-Western area. And yes, they were armed with M2s.

Now shit would happen.

((OOC: Sorry, short post. Just finished a HUGE project.))

Smith had, for the fifteen time in the past four hours, realized he was surrounded by idiots.

Chief among them had to be Kathxeth, but he was too afraid to say anything about it. Besides, he had the Goddess card to play. And everyone knew, by defin-

"General! Smith! We've just recieved word! The fire boats... err... refugee boats... blew up."

"... No surprise. What's the status of the enemy fleet?"

"They're moving. And... erm... We have one refugee boat still sitting out there giving them all the finger and mooning them."

"... Alright, fine. Commense attack."

"But... I want General Pappy's opinion too..."

Smith could barely contain his anger, frustration, and sheer... whatever the hell it is!

The soldier knelt next to a sock puppet with button eyes, poking it's heel. "General Pappy. We wish to know... shall we attack?"

The soldier stood there for a good fifteen minutes, until Smith couldn't contain it anymore.

"It's a fucking sock puppet."

"Sock puppets have feelings. And he's smart! Why else would Kathxeth make him a general?"

"That's like asking why idiots jump off of boats."

"... Why do idiots jump off of boats...?"

Smiling, Smith picked up the sock and tossed it over the side. "Fetch."

"General! I'll save you!"

Smith barely even cared when he drowned. He cared much more, however, when the idiots spent another four hours having a battlefield funeral for General Pappy while cursing thier comrade for failing to save him.

The stupidity over, for now, the fleet began moving again.

Thier destination. The Island of Rose...

this is added to my fav's list, i do not think i have laughed like this in quiet some time, and for that i thank you.

"Mr. Ilyanov!" Alexander bust in.

Sergei raised his brow. "What?"

Alexander cleared his throat. "An enemy fleet is entering the Island. It consists of thousands of rowboats."

"Excuse me?"

Alexander replied. "Yes Sergei, rowboats. We're awaiting your orders."

Sergei rolled his eyes. "Bomb them. Just send some R/B-91s."

The Airbase at Ft. Rose became active. R/B-91s, about 10, were loaded with just their cannon. I mean, why use bombs against rowboats? They sped towards the Neo-Mekantan "fleet", of course chatter was abuzz.

"We're bombing rowboats?" said one pilot.

"Yep."

"Well, why does the shit happen to us?" said another pilot.

"Because, it wouldn't be TIOR if the shit didn't happen to us. Now come on, this'll be a turkey shoot."

As the 10 R/B-91s flew towards the "fleet", the passed an Alexander Class Battleship, the CRS Goerring. That was the most immediate response the Island could give.

"This Goerring to the R/B Squad, we'll need "cover"-" Laughter over the radio was heard. "From this almighty fleet."

"Don't worry Goerring, we'll bomb them."

The R/B-91s arrived. "Okay baby, let's roll!" said the leader. They opened their 20mm Vulcan cannons on the rowboats, sowing destruction and death on them. And no, they weren't that low.

As the R/B-91s destroyed the fleet, the CRS Goerring began firing upon the Neo-Mekantan fleet. Pointing its large cannons, they commenced fire on the biggest rowboats... which weren't that big really.

Of course, more ships were to come.

"FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" Smith chanted, his boat barely avoiding getting hit. He gave one last, resounding curse, as he started rowing franticly. "FUCK!!!"

"Ow! My virgin ears! You fucking twat!" One of the soldiers yelled, covering his ears.

"Just use the rocket launchers!!"

"... We have rocket launches?"

"The thing in the middle of the boat you dumbass!"

"... Oh yeah!"

Smith sighed as the soldier took hold of the rocket launcher, a wicked grin on his face as he held it and...

... threw it...

Smith started slamming his head against the side of the boat, sighing as he pulled out a walkie-talkie. "All units... execute phase two..."

"You didn't say the magic word."

"... Now..."

"That's not it."

"... Immediately..."

"No..."

"... Or I'll rip your balls off, gouge out your eyes, jam your testicals in your eye sockets, sodomize you with a rocket launcher, then burn you and piss on your ashes..."

"... Erm... that'll do, sir..."

Smith had been hanging around Kathxeth too much for his own damn good...


The easy hunt the TIOR military had been looking for grew... complicated as almost as many large advanced submarines as there were rowboats surfaced. The sleek black hulls looked to be sonar jamming, colored to blend in with the ocean. Something a fleet of rowboats shouldn't, by any logical means, have.

Emphasis on logical.

The subs took aim, thier prized arsenal loaded to fire. And it did.

Smith watched in shock, horror, and revulsion as the fleet unleashed hundreds upon hundreds of rocks at the planes and TIOR ship.

... Catapults... Fucking Catapults...

The pilots laughed as they threw rocks at them. "Rocks?! Now this is funny. Hey, look over there!"

Now you may begin playing "The Imperial March" because the 7th Rosian Fleet was already arriving from a wargame outside Prospero 4. Admiral Harold Gannon, not a high ranking official in the Rosian Navy, but high ranking nevertheless.

"Rowboats? With rocks?"

"Yes Admiral."

Harold raised a brow. "Just send 10 R/B-91s armed with bombs. They'll take the subs out. Meanwhile, the other 10 R/B-91s can land on the CRS Harnerd to refuel and rearm to bomb them."

"Why are we taking this seriously? Why don't we just use the big laser beam we have?"

Harold shrugged. "Then people would get mad, we have an image to maintain."

"That's gay."

Harold stood up. "Homophobia is gay!"

The assistant shook his head. "I'll give the order."

The 10 R/B-91s took off from the supercarrier Harnerd. Armed with 5 500 pound bombs, they were ready to cause a hole inside the submarines. And I know they will cause more then a hole.

The other 10 R/B-91s went to the carrier to refuel, of course.

Those that approached the "fleet" started dropping various bombs of doom on the poor submarines, and they were guided by the way. By the time the bombs were empty, they started shooting up the rowboats again.

Meanwhile, the CRS Goerring didn't take any damage and started to fire more relentlessly.

OOC: ROFLMAO.. tagged..

TAG! Brilliant Thread!

bumpity

bump....must...not...die

-OOC-
Ack, thought I forgot something...

I'll post soon. Need to finish something first.

bump

As an Ally of TIOR, I'm afraid I'll have to destroy you...

Official Government Statement:

"Hahahahaha... oh wait, he was serious."