NationStates Jolt Archive

OOC: Well, in response to the following rumour, I could only wish it to be true, but alas. the legendary Queen once managed to kill a bear by breaking its spine in a hug...

Newsflash "The Queen is dead. Long live the Queen!

It was a black day in the history of Newbia when the evil religious extremists of Mortondiri, deliberatly sacrified Her Royal Highness, to their dark god. And the king was reported to be seen, literally dancing in despair. In further news, today has been proclaimed a holiday, but with free beer in order to hold a minute of silence, in honour of our dearly departed Queen, who was not only, um, kinda-nice and known throughout the lands as the Iron Maid*, but also had a special place in her heart for all the unfortunate in the Kingdom... namely the gallows.
No talks of a retaliatory attack upon Mortondiri for this heinous act has been discussed yet. So it it either believed that the King is above petty vengeance, or too deep in his sorrow to move on with affairs of state.'
This amazing display of inner deph has raised his govermental approval ratings by 40%, which is a moot point since you don't vote for kings anyway.

In other news, Newbie forces (er, Newbian.) has seen intensified action as Mortondirian fanatics struggle to break the blockade.
General Smith Smithson in charge of the operation, had only the following to say.

"Well, ya see, unless 'dem commie ba***rds hand over that crack-key they made and that crazy device they stole I guess we're gonna be stuck out here for a looong time."
-General Smith-

"There you have it, altough we're technically at war, our side has done little in the ways of aggression, this will probably change before soon but until then, this is Tel Azure, NNN, signing off."

ooc: I hate details, "X amount of troops do Y amount of Damage vs Z amount of Whatever", I mean. COME ON!
*also known as the Queen Bitch of Newbia. x.X

To the philistine monarch of Newbia,

You may take comfort in the fact the the queen/mistrees to the king of Newbia is indeed very dead. Her carcass has been disposed of in a manner befiitting any Newbian sovereign; it was dumped into the sewers of Aviatoria (capital city of the Holy Empire of Mortondiri). May God forgive her depraved soul.

As for the fate of the other two abductees, they have been sold to a travelling circus in Mortondiri. There they are the star attraction in the freak show where, upon seeing them, Mortondiri children hide behind their mum's skirts, and others point and laugh at the Newbian women's grotesqueness.

The crack you talk of has been sold for a tidy profit to several nationstates (some who are considered rogue states). The identities of these nationstates will not be divulged. As for your unfounded accusation that we have in possession a UDD, we have no comment.

Your continued and intensification of your blockade will be your last mistake. The Holy Emperor has granted permission to retaliate. Also, allies have been flocking to Mortondiri's side, to fight for it's just and Godly cause.

Helen Clark
Senior Diplomat
Ministry Of Diplomacy, Propaganda, and Coersion
Aviatoria
Holy Empire of Mortondiri


OOC: Dancing in dispair? Free beer? LOL. Funny :)

-Newbia's Response-

Upon hearing that thou indeed have sold the crack-key. We're given no other choice.. than to change the security system used to contain the UDD. Or have it destroyed alltogether.

Oh well, I never enjoyed the idea of it anyways...

This of course means that thine crack will be rendered useless and the point of the blockade is gone, meaning it will be lifted, starting early tomorrow morning.

Of course, there's still this matter of the Murder, of The Queen.
(Which we can not verify until the corpse has been found, until then, both the king & small children everywhere live in fear during bedtime.) Which gives us justifiable cause to burn your religious little backwater to the ground. If we wanted...

Expect our troops to attack from eight different directions within the week.

I hope your "friends" bring their own guns.

Love & kisses.

- U.W - Royal Advisor -

The Empire Of Mortondiri's Responds...

It is well known that Newbian security systems are easier to into than the late Newbian queen's knickers... Very easy. A new crack will be on the market as soon as your new security system is completed.

Reports of the lifting of your illegal military blockade have been confirmed. Newbian troops have been been seen retreating in the direction of your nationstate with their tales between their legs.

Your surrender is perhaps the wisest thing any newbian has ever done. We congratulate you, even though the rest of the world shall laugh at your cowardice.

As part of your unconditional surrender, we demand that all members of the Newbian monarchy and parliament be arrested and transported immediatley to Mortondiri territory, where they shall be put on trial for war crimes and
heresy.

As a gesture of good will to your downtrodden people, we have reclaimed the body of your queen, and it is now enroute to Newbia.

We expect your response within 24 hours.

Lord General Lucas Angelo
Leader of the Holy Empire Of Mortondiri Combined Armed Forces
Aviatora
Holy Empire Of Mortondiri

OOC: Is this an open RP? Looks like it has interesting potential
IC:
(Urgent Message from Dictator Titus of Drogenhaas to the grand high Muckymuck of Mortondiri:

I feel that your men may be outgunned in your struggle against the sniveling Newbian pigs. As we speak, a large portion of our active duty troops are mobilizing and are boarding transports. They will depart as soon as you give permission for them to enter Mortondiri controlled waters. The fleet, under the flagship Phoenix carries supplies, 300 light tanks, 400 heavy tanks, 10,000 enlisted men (troops, medics, mechanics, aid workers etc...) Thank you for your time, and I eagerly await your response.
Sincerely:
Self Appointed Dictator Titus

To Titus, self-appointed dictator of DrogenHaas

Whilst The Holy Empire Of Mortobdiri is currently finalising it's destruction Of the Kingdom Of Newbia, Holy Emperor Anuare VII welcomes His DroganHaasi brothers to the Holy Lands Of Mortondiri.

"Our DroganHaas allies have shown to the world that Ours is the One and True religion. To be defended by all nations, large and small."

Your troops will be stationed at Sinclair Bay, the closest port to the main bulk of the Newbian blockade forces. There they shall be welcomed by the people as heroes. A delegation of Imperial diplomats will welcome you there also.

Lord Jungas Ghoopri
Senior Diplomat
Ministry of Foreign Affairs
Aviatoria
Holy Empire Of Mortondiri

It is well known that Newbian security systems are easier to into than the late Newbian queen's knickers... Very easy. A new crack will be on the market as soon as your new security system is completed.
"Newbian Security Systems consists of rubber bands." - U.W


Reports of the lifting of your illegal military blockade have been confirmed. Newbian troops have been been seen retreating in the direction of your nationstate with their tales between their legs.
"Our standard tactics. Glad you liked it." - U.W


Your surrender is perhaps the wisest thing any newbian has ever done. We congratulate you, even though the rest of the world shall laugh at your cowardice.
"Eh, they're already laughing at our incompetence." - U.W


As part of your unconditional surrender, we demand that all members of the Newbian monarchy and parliament be arrested and transported immediatley to Mortondiri territory, where they shall be put on trial for war crimes and
heresy.
"When I dream, I want a unicorn pony." - U.W


As a gesture of good will to your downtrodden people, we have reclaimed the body of your queen, and it is now enroute to Newbia.
We expect your response within 24 hours.

Lord General Lucas Angelo
Leader of the Holy Empire Of Mortondiri Combined Armed Forces
Aviatora
Holy Empire Of Mortondiri
"I thought we told you to burn her?" - U.W


OOC: Original message was lost, so we're drafting up a new one instead. >_<

IC: By the way, we were literally facepalming when we read your message...

-Newbia Retaliates. For great justice.-

The Kings Palace: 0800h. Some hooded figure is having a videoconference. While the drunken revelrie's cheers outside are threatening to shatter a windowpane or two. The Kings Advisor starts speaking.

"Allright, first of all, you will not be creating any more crack keys for Newbian specialized security systems*. Not because you're endangering the entire planet with your senseless machinations. But because you're working without a license to do so."**.

"Furthermore, altough the blockade has been lifted, it can and will be deployed again without a moments hesitation. Especially if you persist in the illegal manufacture of cracking devices and spreading your inane religous dogma within our borders. Remember. We are not the UN's lapdog. We do not answer to anyone.***"

The man of indeterminable identification holds up a small piece of paper, as if it was a rabid kitten. Then gently puts it back down on the desk

"Where on earth you've gotten the ridiculous notion that we have surrendered to you is, so I can only assume that you got it in a prophetic vision induced by drugs that are illegal in Newbia. We're asking you kindly to cease this foolishness and desist in further aggressions.
Or drug intake for that matter."

"The second part of the message states that you demand the Royal Family & The Newbian Parliment be arrested and handed over for war crimes.(*coughbullshitcough*)
Since both the parliment**** & royal family are out of the question. We've kindly asked the King himself if he may agree to your terms and hand himself over-"

"Up thine!"
-King Newbhart IX-*****

"-But as you can see, he's as stubborn as a mule. Albiet we thank you for the return of our queen. Even in her present condition."

"We are giving you one last chance to give up this charade and come to your senses. Open up for negotiations or we will open them up for you. This is not an idle threat."

"Have a nice day."
~The Advisor.~

The man switches channels on the videocom.

"Penny, be a dear and put überkommendante Shmallpantzen on the line. And schedule an appointment to the morgue."

* Not that the keys actually work. But still...
** Ergo: We want 20% of all your incomes from Crack key sales.
*** IE: We-Are-Right. Besides if you avoid doing anything illegal we'd never get any work done around here...
**** Which consists of approx 4000 induviduals, horses included.
***** age 22


Peace Returneth to Codpiece Hills.
"Gunshots and joyful cries of "yahoo" echoed throughout this borderline community today when the two missing women (Thelma & Buck), were reunited with their husbands, Cletus and Sir Frederick Strongankle. After a "successful" raid upon the "illegal Mortondirian Internment Camp." Operated by Mortondirian Religious Extremists, that were holding the women hostage. Details of this operation are classified for security reasons, but what has been confirmed is that it was a joint operation between the long time warheroes Cmd Günther Von Shmallpantzen and Mavrik Colonel Nokando. Von Shmallpantzen has returned to the capitol to recieve yet another round of medals to his name (whose sheer mass is starting to form a bulletproof vest), While the colonel has once more slipped away from the public eye. An unsung hero. Only glad to have helped... Wherever you are Colonel. We salute you."

"And now the weather..."

Mortondiri Ministry of Broadcasting...

<<Please be standing for an important announcement from His Holiness, Holy Emperor Aviatora VII...>>

An tall, blond and handsome man of indeterminable age man appears onscreen sitting at a desk, writing on a peice of paper with a quill pen. He writes for a few seconds, then puts the quill into the inkpot and turns to face the camera. He speaks with a strong uplifting voice. His accent is like that found in the fabled Holy Land of New Zealand...

"Good evening. I speak to you tonight from the Imperial Palace in Aviatoria. And what I speak of is a most frightful and blasphemous thing. As you are aware, the military blockade illegally imposed on The Holy Empire Of Mortondiri by the Kingdom Of Newbia has collapsed. Soon after, however, the King of Newbia, Newbhart IX, issued a list of demands to me. One of them was that we enter into peace negotiations with them. The very idea of such a thing is morally corrupt, to say the least. This, my people, is the demand of a tyrant desperate to save face. Then child-king of Newbia made his final mistake. Just hours ago, Newbain agents deviously snuck into our Holy lands and stole Mortondiri property. This is intolerable, and just cause for continued open war.

As I speak, allies sympathetic to Mortondiri's fight are mobilising their armies to aid us. Already an army of 10,000 men from gallant DrogenHaas are stationed in our port of Sinclair Bay ready to fight the Newbian hordes. Also, we have open support from the revered nationstates of Dumpsterdam and Slaytanicca.

Remember, my people, we are Gods' chosen people. We cannont, nay, we shall not fail in our glorious efforts to rid the world of the heathen Newbian pestilence. Our own warriors of the honourable Holy Imperial Army are, as I speak, crossing into Newbian territory. God bless them. God bless the Holy Empire Of Mortondiri, and God bless Me."

End of transmission..

(News Brief)
Hello, friends! This is Haywood Jablowme on BS. Bob N. Forapples is sick today so I'm taking his place today. Because of their belief in religion, our military has decided to destroy Montondiri and all of her allies. But, onto more important news. Here's Ivana Likaball with a story about how everyone's favorite porn star, Little, Red and Riding it, transferred agencies to the Film Actors Guild (note the acronym).
Thanks, Haywood.

~Newbian National News Network~ Verbose edition.
*theme song*
"Good evening. After several weeks of fierce fighting by the Newbian border territories, Commander Von Smahlpantzen has urged the King for additional troops, in order to stave off the unexpected Mortondirian Invasion. Or as General Smith Smithson quaintly put it-"

*Cut to a scene of general Smith whose proud moustache is partly on fire. Heavy cannon fire is heard in the background*

"These religous nutjobs are a bunch of pussies.* My grandmah could take em on!"

"-Meanwhile, things are starting to heat up in the capitol as many are starting to question the King's ability to lead.

"Newbhart's actions are an outrage!
Not only has he managed to plunge the Kingdom into it's first war for over 1200 years! But he has also lost both the Queen & the Crown jewels!"

"Bollocks! The jewels are just sent out being cleaned!"

"For over two months?!"

"They are very thorough..."

"The King has taken to avoiding the spotlight for now until the return of his aid. The Royal Advisor. Who's mysteriosly dissapeared after paying his respects to the dearly departed queen. Whose remains are still being kept in the capitol city morgue.
All requests to see the remains has been denied by the goverment, invoking the "Let the dead rest in peace" act of 1542.
Which hasn't officially been used, since the day it was passed through the Parliment. Due to all the kool lewt dead people usually carry around."

"In other news rioting and other assorted crimes such as PKing is on the rise as more & more people are upset by the chance of Mortondiri taking over the country**... Who writes this crap? I mean, seriously."

"And finally, the U.D.D has been located. This device which has been the item for so much controversy was found, without its impenetrable 356-digit code casing, in a puddle of mud somewhere along the border. How it got there, or how someone managed to break the code to its seal is still subject to investigation. But seeing as the U.D.D itself is a fire & forget weapon, it has been transported back to the Newbian Military R&D departement, under lock, guard and miles of concrete bunker systems*** until it can be properly disarmed. The thought of any terrorist organisation or rogue states, such as Mortondiri, having the weapon in their possession is beyond horrifying, so we can clearly state. That these rumours are false. And that they do not possess anything that could wipe us out in the blink of an eye. Excepting possibly divine intervention."

"Well, that's all for tonight. This is NNN... Signing off."

*News caster is seen rolling off his chair, laughing, seconds before the studio fades to black.*

* No offence.
** It could happen!
*** See the security blueprints and how to infiltrate the R&D departement on NNN.com.
OOC: Sorry I'm late. I haven't had time to sleep properly for the past... 4-5 days. X x