NationStates Jolt Archive

Roycelandian Broadcasting Corporation World Service

"This is the RBC World Service, broadcasting around the planet, around the clock. We're saying a big "Hello!" to all advanced civilisations out there, and to everyone else, the secret is to bang the rocks together, guys!

We Interrupt this Broadcast of the hit radio comedy "Where's My Thribble?" to bring you an urgent and important report.

Approximately two hours ago, His Imperial Majesty Emperor Royce I was the victim of an Assassination Attempt by an unknown group of individuals.

Whilst visiting the Imperial Garden Hospital in Port Royal to cheer up some of the patients, a man stepped forward from the small group of onlookers outside the hospital and emptied seven shots into His Majesty from a 1917 vintage Nagant M1895 revolver.

The unknown Assailant was immediately machine-gunned by at least three Imperial Guardsmen, which has rendered identifcation of the body difficult at best.

His Majesty, although critically wounded, managed to quip "At least I didn't wear my good Loud Shirt today" before collapsing in a heap outside the hospital's entrance.

He was immediately rushed into emergency surgery where surgeons removed all seven of the 7.62 calibre bullets from His Majesty.

"He was extremely lucky none of the bullets hit anything really important", Dr. Christopher Todhunter explained to us a few moments ago. "We have removed all the bullets from His Majesty, and he is in a stable condition as we speak. We expect that he will make a full recovery eventually, but in the meantime we ask for everyone's thoughts, prayers, and best wishes on his behalf."

The Ministry of Imperial Affairs and the Imperial Defence Bureau have announced that the Prime Minister, Sir William Bryson, will be the Acting Head of State until His Majesty makes a full recovery, thus averting a Constitutional Crisis.

The Imperial Security Bureau, meanwhile, are calling for members of the public to come forward with information on the assassination attempt.

"There are a lot of people who might have a grudge against His Majesty" said James Mulder, head of the ISB, "And we'll be talking to some of them shortly. In fact, quite a few of them are helping us with our enquiries as we speak. In the meantime, if anyone hears anything, let us know. If you do hear something about this assassination attempt and don't tell us, we'll find out, and then you'll find yourself on Shark Island prison colony so fast your head will spin. You've been warned."

The ISB is refusing to speculate on which group might be responsible for the attempt, but bookmakers William Hill are offering odds of 3 to 2 on the Lusakans, with 3 to 1 odds on Sudanese Extremists, and 2 to 1 odds on "Some bunch of crazies that no-one's ever heard of before."

We now return you to "Where's My Thribble?"..."

OOC Is this a joke? Are you trying to make it funny and serious at the same time, cause I find the whole thing filled with witty remarks.

OOC: No, it's not a joke. "Regular" readers of my posts (if there is such a thing) will tell you that this is exactly what Roycelandia is like (In fact, I'll tell you that too, since it is my country).

One of the many "quirks" of Roycelandia is a minor inability to take anything completely seriously- even to the point of His Majesty having a witty one-liner despite being shot several times at close range.

In short, yes it is supposed to be both serious and funny (well, "off-beat"). Have a read through some of my other posts for a clearer explanation of the sort of things that go on in Roycelandia... it's kind of hard to explain.

And yes, His Imperial Majesty Emperor Royce I has been shot, he is seriously injured, and, in the best traditions of Edward D, Wood, Jnr: "and somebody's responsible!"...

Lusakan embassy, London

"'He was extremely lucky none of the bullets hit anything really important'!"

The office, still disputed by Lusaka's new LUAN government, shook with the rumbling chuckles emanating from Mr.Derek such as his remaining staff had not heard in months.

"No, nothing really important." He said, chuckling on as he regarded a picture of the Emperor.

"Oh, Lisa, don't look like that, I am entitled to laugh at others' misfortune!" Igomo added with a glance to his frowning secretary, tapping his knuckles on the arm of the wheelchair to which he'd been confined since shortly before the coup that dislodged his government.

"You don't suppose Theo's behind it?" The big man asked. "I know he didn't think much of the South African automatics I bought. I tell him, 'only one time the safety fail!' 'Calm down!' I say! But it kill his little dog."

Derek was prone, since his second stroke, to apparently pointless tangents no matter what his original subject matter. A while passed before he finished, "Send him a basket of fruit, courtesy of the United African Republic. Make sure I sign the card."

The Grand Palace of al-Mulhem
01 Ribanaj Drive
Ribanaj, Abu Saedi

To His Imperial Majesty Emperor Royce I:

The Holy Republic of Abu Saedi empathises with the your plight and the plight of your people. Futhermore, we will ask Allah to give to you a most speedy recovery so that you may once again be in good health.

From His Supreme Holiness, Protector of Islam, Orator of the Faith, Slave of the One True God and Knowledgeable Scholar of the Qu'ran, Grand Leader of the Holy Republic of Abu Saedi, Imam Yusuf bin Amar Abu Saed.

~Incomming communication~

To: Emperor Royce I
From: Jugglemeister Enigma
Date: August 20, 3511 CES
Subject: Recent assassination attempt

Text:

I am sorry to hear about the recent attempt on your life by unknown individuals. I wish you the best of luck in finding out who they are and dealing with them.

I also wish to extend to you an opportunity to visit my nation at this time. Several of our beaches are, from what I hear, perfect spots for one vacationing or recovering from recent wounds. While I cannot extend the invitation to open up an embassy here due to certain social problems, I can makke sure you have a safe and relaxing stay inside my nation, and maybe use the opportunity to become allies.

~End communication~

OOC: My own nation is run similar to that. The dictator does things because they amuse him and has a sense of self-deprecating humor that is reflected in how often he changes his title and what he picks. The news broadcasters are allowed to be sarcastic and opinionated, while the people as a whole tend to spend a lot of their time trying to just figure out what is going on and keep out of the way of the heavily-armed criminals and the even more heavily-armed police.

His Imperial Majesty Emperor Royce I has hand-written a note to "Mr. Derek" Igomo, thanking him for the Fruit Basket,and offering his sympathies over the "recent events" in Lusaka which have left Igomo wheelchair bound in the Lusakan Embassy in London, as opposed to running the country.

Further handwritten notes have been written to Jugglemeister Enigma and Al-Muheim, offering His Majesty's heartfelt thanks for their best wishes and extending the offer of a visit to Roycelandia when His Majesty recovers.

Meanwhile, the ISB are no closer to working out who was responsible for the attack, other than establishing that "The person responsible is well and truly dead, and therefore unavailable to help us with our enquiries at this point."

To His Imperial Majesty Royce I;

On behalf of the Kingdom of Emaria, I wish you a speedy recovery and hope you can resume your normal life once again very soon.

I also hope your law-enforcement officials bring to justice those cowards that perpetrated this henious crime, if they are not already beyond this world.

By the hand of HM Walter I
Sovereign Monarch of the United Kingdom of Emaria

His Majesty has largely recovered from his injuries and wishes to thank his well-wishers across the globe for their kind words and support.

The ISB is no closer to finding out who was responsible for the attack, and has all but officially admitted that it might very well have been the work of a lone nut. The investiagation will remain open until it is solved, however...

OOC: I'm assuming that a few months have passed here- His Majesty didn't just get better a week after being shot, after all...