Roycelandia
12-10-2004, 11:55
Dateline: Port Royal, Roycelandia
The sale of "Teen Magazines" in Roycelandia will come under new restrictions from today amid concerns that "They're filling our kids' heads with utter crap", according to a spokeswoman from the Ministry of Broad Generalisations.
"News-stands throughout the country are full of these glossy magazines, encouraging 15 year old girls to wear makeup, dress like a slut, go to parties, but not put out." The spokeswoman explained. "This is totally unacceptable- dressing like a slut and not having sex sends mixed messages to teenage boys- or girls, if that's your thing- and just causes more problems than it solves. If you're going to dress like a slut, either put out or be prepared to face the consequences."
Meanwhile, Citizens Against Teenagers chairwoman Regina Wheelbarrow has applauded the Government move.
"These magazines have far too much influence on young people today, encouraging them to waste their money on clothes, to obsess over Pop Idols, and giggle a lot. Why, back in my day we just had underage sex in our bedrooms whilst our parents were out, and it never did us any harm."
Under the new Legislation, the publication of Magazines encouraging Teenagers to buy the latest fashion, wear lots of makeup before they're 16, llisten to Pop Music, or dress like a slut and not have sex will require a Permit from the Ministry of Imperial Affairs, and there will be a quota on the number of "Teen Magazines" that can in publication at any one time.
Curiously, Porn Magazines and "Lad Mags" (like FHM) are exempted from the new Legislation, an occurrence dismissed as "Coincidence" by the Ministry of Oversight, and "Double Standards" by protest group Angry Hippies Against Everything.
His Imperial Majesty Emperor Royce I justified the move in one of his now-famous Press Conferences, telling the assembled crowd:
"Kids these days need DIRECTION. They don't need some glossy magazine telling them what clothes to buy, what music to listen to, or which Celebrity is the best to obsess over. In fact, if there's anyone around here that kids obsess over more than me, I want them caught and shot now."
His Majesty Continued "These restrictions on so-called "Teen Magazines" may seem harsh, but kids these days need to get a life. I mean, some of them spend all day with their Hippin' and their Hoppin', and their Groovin' and their Boppin', and it gives them the Brain Damage, you see?"
Teenagers throughout Roycelandia are "disappointed" by the new Laws, but as several have pointed out, the wonders of the Internet mean they can read it all online for free anyway.
Young People With Their Hippin' And Their Hoppin', Page 4
Defending Yourself From A Man Armed With A Piece of Fruit, Page 19
Crimson Perpetual Assurance Sighted Near North Terristan, Page 24
The sale of "Teen Magazines" in Roycelandia will come under new restrictions from today amid concerns that "They're filling our kids' heads with utter crap", according to a spokeswoman from the Ministry of Broad Generalisations.
"News-stands throughout the country are full of these glossy magazines, encouraging 15 year old girls to wear makeup, dress like a slut, go to parties, but not put out." The spokeswoman explained. "This is totally unacceptable- dressing like a slut and not having sex sends mixed messages to teenage boys- or girls, if that's your thing- and just causes more problems than it solves. If you're going to dress like a slut, either put out or be prepared to face the consequences."
Meanwhile, Citizens Against Teenagers chairwoman Regina Wheelbarrow has applauded the Government move.
"These magazines have far too much influence on young people today, encouraging them to waste their money on clothes, to obsess over Pop Idols, and giggle a lot. Why, back in my day we just had underage sex in our bedrooms whilst our parents were out, and it never did us any harm."
Under the new Legislation, the publication of Magazines encouraging Teenagers to buy the latest fashion, wear lots of makeup before they're 16, llisten to Pop Music, or dress like a slut and not have sex will require a Permit from the Ministry of Imperial Affairs, and there will be a quota on the number of "Teen Magazines" that can in publication at any one time.
Curiously, Porn Magazines and "Lad Mags" (like FHM) are exempted from the new Legislation, an occurrence dismissed as "Coincidence" by the Ministry of Oversight, and "Double Standards" by protest group Angry Hippies Against Everything.
His Imperial Majesty Emperor Royce I justified the move in one of his now-famous Press Conferences, telling the assembled crowd:
"Kids these days need DIRECTION. They don't need some glossy magazine telling them what clothes to buy, what music to listen to, or which Celebrity is the best to obsess over. In fact, if there's anyone around here that kids obsess over more than me, I want them caught and shot now."
His Majesty Continued "These restrictions on so-called "Teen Magazines" may seem harsh, but kids these days need to get a life. I mean, some of them spend all day with their Hippin' and their Hoppin', and their Groovin' and their Boppin', and it gives them the Brain Damage, you see?"
Teenagers throughout Roycelandia are "disappointed" by the new Laws, but as several have pointed out, the wonders of the Internet mean they can read it all online for free anyway.
Young People With Their Hippin' And Their Hoppin', Page 4
Defending Yourself From A Man Armed With A Piece of Fruit, Page 19
Crimson Perpetual Assurance Sighted Near North Terristan, Page 24