NationStates Jolt Archive

OOC: This is a trainer RP to help improve the skill of one of our glorious NS participants. Outside OOC critiques of a constructive nature are welcome, but IC posts are verbotten unless permission is TGed to me why the post would be relevant. All posts here have no consequence in the rest of the NS multiverse.

IC:

The spiraling arms of a neighboring galaxy twirled slowly amidst the inky blackness of space. Comets streaked past in their journey to unknown destinations; distant systems flickered with light from their stars.

"Such a marvelous display." The visiting professor, Shaal from Hreer University on Earth, looked through his telescope, jotting notes on his datapad. His greenish-yellow eyes never leaving the scope. "I would never be able to see such splendor from our observatories back home."

"Yeah yeah. Sure thing, Prof. Lemme know if you see any METUS fleets or bandit ships snooping around, and then you'll catch my interest." The gravelly voice came from I.D.F. Armor Cavalry Master Sergeant Ggeel, who has been stationed aboard this solitary defense post for 15 years. For him, space was just another vast stretch of blah.

Shaal looked up from the telescope at that moment. "Philistine. You take for granted what others would sacrifice their nest to see. Such fortune is wasted on you." He lowered his eye back to the scope with a loud "Hrrrrmph."

"Really now? Hold on, lemme check somethin'...." The Master Sergeant mocks fumbling around in the pockets of his uniform, and then threw his hands up in despair. "Nope. Can't find a shred of caring about your opinion anywhere on me. Huh. How about that?" He then walked aross the area to sit in front of a station holding a cistern of strong coffee. "Hrr hrrrr hrrrrrr. Damn brain-stem Professors and their muttermuttermutter....."

Time passes, and several hours later, the professor decides to retire for the night. Auto-recorder set for ten hours ... astrogater system operational.... good, good. Now I can sleep. He turns to speak to the Master Sergeant, only to find him asleep at the table, cup full of cold coffee next to his hand. I wondered why I was able to think for the past few hours. Just as well....

Mean wile a small group of vassals a patrol group was moving in a column pattern around the area. 4 ships slowly hummed and growled in space unknowing of the ships coming towards them ..

large gleaming yet subtle ship about 250 m in length and a small bluish glow was emanating from nacelles that were sticking out from its back side
On the bridge of that ship Captain Robert Xavier was reading reports
He sighed a bit saying “yet another boring patrol mission cant we ever get some real action ?“. One of his officers smirked saying “sir id kill for some real action now “

The small convoy of ships Continued on there journey ,scanning and patrolling the area around them.

OOC:Mean wile a small group of vassals a patrol group was moving in a column pattern around the area. 4 ships slowly hummed and growled in space unknowing of the ships coming towards them ..

large gleaming yet subtle ship about 250 m in length and a small bluish glow was emanating from nacelles that were sticking out from its back side
On the bridge of that ship Captain Robert Xavier was reading reports
He sighed a bit saying “yet another boring patrol mission cant we ever get some real action ?“. One of his officers smirked saying “sir id kill for some real action now “

The small convoy of ships Continued on there journey ,scanning and patrolling the area around them.

Now here's the adjusted post. Number markers are places to be critiqued afterwards...

Meanwhile, a small group of vessels, a patrol group to be exact, was moving in a column pattern around the area. The 4 ships slowly hummed and growled in space, unknowing of the ships(1) coming towards them ..

A large, gleaming, yet subtle ship, about 250 m in length and a small, bluish glow emanating from nacelles(2) that were sticking out from its back side.

On the bridge of that ship Captain Robert Xavier was reading reports.
He let loose a low sigh. “Yet another boring patrol mission. Can't we ever get some real action?“(3) One of his officers smirked. “Sir, i'd kill for some real action now.“

The small convoy of ships (4)continued on their journey, scanning and patrolling the area around them.

(1) Of what ships do you speak? As you can see in the first post, there was no mention of a ship. In fact, it was mentioned as a defense post. Paying attention to the little details, such as this, will help in avoiding making small gaffs.

(2) A run-on sentence. breaking up the details will make for better use of descriptive adjectives.
" A large, gleaming, yet subtle ship, about 250 m in length" If it is large and gleaming, what exactly make sit subtle? Stream-lined design? Perhaps it is made to look like the stellar debris around it?
"..and a small, bluish glow emanating from nacelles that were sticking out from its back side." The 'and' is not needed here, as it makes one think you're describing a different ship. 'With' would serve better here.

(3) What makes us want to pay attention to the Captain? Perhaps an unshaven, scrubbly face? Lines worn into his features from years of squinting at targetting data and sensor feeds?
Also, when you complete a question within a quotation ("Blahblahblah blah?") You do not need to close it with a period. Minor note there.
And what of the officer? Any interesting details about this one that would make us want to take notice? And what of the interior of the are they're sitting at? Mohagony tables? Utilitarian metal chairs? Datascreens? Paper stacked like an architectural nightmare? These little touches add flavor to a story. Like cinnamon on a rice cake.

(4) Watch for random capitalizations, double-spaces and the like. These tend to throw a reader off, and make their interest flag quickly.

And always double-check for spelling and grammar mistakes before posting. I often read them to myself outloud, as they are written, to see if it sounds right before posting. Caught many mistakes myself like that. And keep those commas next to the word they separate from the rest of the sentence.

More tomorrow.....

OOC : thanks these tips are helpful ill implement them in further post :) :)

The next cycle breaks, and finds the professor entering the defense post's observatory with a steaming cup of Paroo in his hands. The spectacles over his eyes fog slightly from the beverage. Looking about, he spies that the Sergeant is not present, and has instead been replaced by a young ensign at the sensor station.

"Good cycle to you, ensign ...." The sentence is left hanging in question.

The ensign stands and snaps a salute, left hand splayed over his chest. "Ensign Paarh, reporting. I have been ordered to take the place of the Master Sergeant as your escort for the remainder of your stay." He continues standing at salute.

"I see. Ensign Paarh, I am Professor Shaal. Good to have you here. I hope you won't be as boorish as the Sergeant." The professor crosses the room, puts down his cup and cycles through the automated recorder's log.

The ensign sits down at his station, and cues up a display. "I can neither confirm nor deny your wants. However, a bit of data has come up you may be interested in. Visual anamoly detected ...." The display comes up on a holo-screen, showing the area of coverage by the station's sensors. ".....24 kliks out and anti-spinward."

"Hmmmm?" Shaal walks over to get a closer look at the display, and cups his head in his hand. "Hmmmmm.....doesn't read as a naturally occuring phenomena. Magnify by 10X."

The section indicated magnifies and zooms in. Telemetry readings scroll down the side of the display. "Unexpected. Not a comet....not a meteor or any other known stellar body. Any emissions coming from that area?"

"None that can be confirmed from here."

"Hmmm....inform the command center about this. Maybe it's a freighter from the Merchant Navy that got lost."

A small vessel was speeding through space, glinting, engines glowing with the light of a thousand sons that somehow weren't there at all. It was just a supply ship, coming to this remote defence outpost to try and pedal its wares. And so it sped through space, the lettering on its side blurred and unreadable, except for the U.A.C. logo on it's front.

---Transmission Begins
TO: Waystation Zeta
From: UA Vessel 'New Jope'
Shorah. We are a trade ship, and are here to see if you would like to purchase any goods. We have food and various other supplies.

the Federation Convoy mean wile was still patrolling the when they spotted a small amount of activity in the area . The lead ship the UFS Cassia Blanca communicated with the other vassels in the convoy the captain of the ship
Standing up tiredly saying “The Cassia Blanca will go out and see what that thing is you guys stay here “
with that confirmation of orders from all the other ships were C & C'ed to the lead ship

With that the captain of the ship Robert Xavier barked out orders like a drill instructor “Go to yellow alert helm plot a course for the direction of those readings “ he yelled
The helms officer nodded and swiftly began typing on his flashing console
The Norway class ship whooshed out with a trail of blue particles following it in to warp..
About 5 minutes passed the ships dropped out the trailing beams of light fading in to normal space the ships helms men maneuvered it to intercept the transmissions
Rob was sitting in his chair wondering what he had stumbled in to

http://hometown.aol.com/worfrayl/images/norwaybox.jpg

the Federation Convoy mean wile was still patrolling the when they spotted a small amount of activity in the area . The lead ship the UFS Cassia Blanca communicated with the other vassels in the convoy the captain of the ship
Standing up tiredly saying “The Cassia Blanca will go out and see what that thing is you guys stay here “
with that confirmation of orders from all the other ships were C & C'ed to the lead ship

With that the captain of the ship Robert Xavier barked out orders like a drill instructor “Go to yellow alert helm plot a course for the direction of those readings “ he yelled
The helms officer nodded and swiftly began typing on his flashing console
The Norway class ship whooshed out with a trail of blue particles following it in to warp..
About 5 minutes passed the ships dropped out the trailing beams of light fading in to normal space the ships helms men maneuvered it to intercept the transmissions
Rob was sitting in his chair wondering what he had stumbled in to

OOC: Magic time! Kids, don't let Microsoft Word do this to you! Heh heh. But let's adjust the above post a bit, and see how it reads....
*********************************
Meanwhile the Federation Convoy was still patrolling when they spotted a small amount of activity in the area. The lead ship, the UFS Cassia Blanca, communicated with the other vessels in the convoy. The captain of the ship,
standing up tiredly, issued orders “The Cassia Blanca will go out and see what that thing is. All other ships, reduce speed and await orders at this location.“
With that confirmation of orders from all the other ships were C & C'ed to the lead ship.

With that the captain of the ship Robert Xavier barked out orders like a drill instructor. “Go to yellow alert. Helm, plot a course for the direction of those readings.“ The helms officer nodded and swiftly began typing on his flashing console. The Norway class ship accelerated with a trail of blue particles following it in to warp.
About 5 minutes passed, with the ships dropping out of warp-space. The trailing beams of light fading as sub-space drives kicked in. The ship's helmsmen maneuvered it to intercept the source of the transmissions. Captain Xavier was sitting in his chair wondering what he had stumbled into.
*********************************

Much better. I see progress, but there is still work needing to be done, as illustrated with the adjustments to your post. Remember, if the characters are to be military people, you gotta think like a military person. Try to get in their skin. And if you can't, ask someone who is military what they would do or say.

Keep watching out for those random capitalizations, and be sure to use puctuation in its appropo place. Periods to break up two separate sentences and so on. And watch for redundant strings, such as 'With that the captain of the ship Robert Xavier barked out orders like a drill instructor “Go to yellow alert helm plot a course for the direction of those readings “ he yelled '

If the Captain is barking orders like a drill instructor, that implies there is yelling taking place, and doesn't need to be reaffirmed. Don't forget that period to end the sentence.

Continuing on........

IC: "Sir, incoming transmission from unknown craft. They claim to be a trade vessel. Markings are not currently in our database. Should I return hails?" The blue-scaled Comms Officer angled his chair at a 45 degree angle to cast one eye on the Station Commander, who sat in his chair looking at the telemetry on the screen.

"Trade vessel, eh?" Punching keys on his chair's console, he looked up a manifest of supplies in store, while keeping his other eye on the target data on the big screen. A large yellow eye scanned swiftly as the data rolled past. "Return hail to that ship. Proceed to point (XYZ) at one-quarter speed. An armed escort will be dispatched to inspect their craft, and escort them in. We could always use some new spices in the cafeteria, yes?" He switches off the chair's display.

The Comms Officer is about to send the return message when the commander interrupts. "That last part is not included in the message. We don't need another 'Cuddly Borg' incident, do we?

The Comms Officer stifles a laugh, and coughs to regain composure. "No, sir." The hail is sent.

http://www.5amfunnies.com/sakkra/space/orbitaldock.JPG
Pic of Waystation Zeta.

Rob sat back in his chair mumbling he all of a sudden said “hail that station “
His ops officer looked over and nodded opening a channel promptly
Ops “channel open captain “
Rob “thanks” uhem “this is captain Robert bastidas of the Federation star ship Casa Blanca we come in peace we hope were not intruding “ the com cuts abruptly rob sat back thinking
~ I hope they don’t decide to shoot us up ~

OOC: And now, a momentary pause while Underwater Asylum responds..... In the meantime, just FYI Fedral, it's better to observe a bit before initiating contact. This way you can ascertain if the presence you've taken a ninterest in seems hostile or not.