NationStates Jolt Archive

BREAKING NEWS FROM MODERN TEXAS

PRESIDENT FERRIDAY SHIRKS MILITARY DUTY

FROM THE COMMUNIST BROADCAST SERVICE (CBS)

This reporter has just received documents proving that President Buzz Ferriday shirked his military duty while serving 35 years ago in the Armadillo Guard. These documents, which are absolutely authentic, show that President Ferriday disobeyed a direct order to obtain a rectal exam by his superior officer. By not obtaining the rectal exam, then-lieutenant Ferriday was unauthorized to ride in the Armadillo Mounted Patrol division.

Of course, President Ferriday has claimed all along that he did undergo the rectal exam, but withdrew his name from the list of volunteers for the AMP division. However, these stunning new documents prove otherwise.

To verify the authenticity of these smearing documents, the Communist Broadcast Service has enlisted the services of a world-renowned carbonologist. The carbonologist has verified that the pencil markings on these documents is indeed thirty-five years old.

If that was not enough to prove the validity of the documents, the Communist Broadcast Service went even further. The network has even interviewed the secretary of Ferriday’s commanding officer’s assistant’s brother-in-law who says she overheard a conversation where Ferriday’s name was mentioned. Not only that, but she also produced the pencil that actually filled in this very document!

This reporter is so excited to break this news that he has nearly pissed in his own pants. With the crack reporting of the Communist Broadcast Service, the authenticity of these new documents is now set in stone and can never be challenged. President Ferriday has some serious allegations to respond to! This reporter vows to make him answer for his lack of anal action!

STORY DEVELOPING…

Upon hearing the broadcast, delegates from Greater Brittannia, were, and here I quote "laughing out loud"

FROM THE TEXAS NEWS NETWORK

Conservative talk-show host Bob Knight came out today blasting the report by the Communist Broadcasting System.

"This is [expletive] ridiculous! Who the [expletive] do those [expletive] think they are? The [expletive] people of this country deserve the [expletive] truth!"

At the core of Knight's contention is that the type of pencil used to create this report was not available thirty-five years ago. He cited an expert from Office Depot who stated "The type of pencil used on these new documents is most definitely the Pencil-Tek 2000 mechanical pencil, which only came out last year. Thirty-five years ago, standard-issue Armadillo Guard pencils were the Woodchip Grind-All's."

After several calls, Texas News Network found out that there is a consensus among office supply stores that these documents are indeed forgeries. Calls to the Communist Broadcasting Service and the reporter who broke the story, Dandy Blather, have not been returned.

Stay tuned for new information as it develops.

Transcript from FNC's popular show Hannibal and Combover

Hannibal: "On tonight's show, we look at these disgusting forgeries of documents saying President Ferriday failed to take his rectal exam while serving in the Armadillo Guard and the lying liars who presented them on another network."

Combover: "But first, Hannibal, let's introduce tonight's guest. Joining us via satellite from an undisclosed location, is legendary documentary filmmaker Mike Moron. Thank you for being on tonight's show, its just such an honor."

Moron: "Thanks Combover. Did you see my latest blockbuster documentary?"

Hannibal: "Excuse me, Moron, but what do you have to add to this discussion of these forged documents?"

Moron: "What forged documents? He he he"

Combover: "He he he...good one, Moron. Now, lets talk about your new movie 'Golfing for Modesto'. What a brilliant masterpiece. I never knew OJ, Martha Stewart, and a circus clown were in cahoots with this administration to sell this nation to aliens! How did you find all this out?"

Hannibal: "Woah, wait a minute. We're here to talk about how the Communist Broadcasting Service deceived the citzens of Modern Texas with fraudulent documents condemning a president. This is a serious crime!"

Moron: "Ahem, now that windbag is done, Combover, let me tell you about the exhaustive efforts that went into proving the basis for my movie....."

Hannibal rips off his microphone and storms off the set.

TEXAS NEWS NETWORK

Baxter: "Good afternoon, everyone, I'm Ted Baxter. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special live report. Thousands of citizens have stormed the doors of the Communist Broadcast Service in protest of their recent hatchet job against President Ferriday. The rioting started around eight this morning and has only grown larger. Now, for more details, lets turn to our reporter, Jerry Riviera."

Riviera: "Thanks, Ted. Well, the scene down here can be summed up in one word: chaos. The streets are filled with angry citizens brandishing picket signs and pistols in a high-noon showdown with CBS. We spoke with local sheriff Buford T. Justice moments ago and asked him what he thought about the fraud and deception on the part of CBS..."

[begin video feed]

Sheriff Justice: "Its nothin' but pure and simple old-fashioned Communism."

Riviera: "What do you plan to do to the network and, more importantly, Dandy Blather, the reporter that apparently ignored experts telling him the documents were forged?"

Sheriff Justice: "I'm gonna barbeque his ass in molasses!"

[end video feed]

Riviera: "So far, however, the network has taken refuge in their bunker, er studios, and refused to let anyone in. The police are trying to contain the thousands of protesters as well as deal with the imminent arrests of the network's brass."

Baxter: "Well, Jerry, what charges do the police have?"

Riviera: "So far, the police have issued warrants on several counts - fraud, conspiracy to commit fraud, obstruction of justice, and slander."

Baxter: "But what about freedom of the press?"

Riviera: "Well, that only applies when the press is being honest and not parading forged documents and skewed interviews as the truth."

Baxter: "Thanks for the update, Jerry. We'll have more on this story as it develops. And now, back to Charlie's Angels."

ooc - kick his ass, seabass!!!

OOC: Hmm..... These events, and names seem vaugly familier.......lol

ooc - kick his ass, seabass!!!

OOC: You know it! ;)

MYSTERIOUS EXPLOSION AT COMMUNIST BROADCAST SERVICE STUDIOS

Texas News Network:

A catastrophic explosion occurred today at the Communist Broadcast Service studios, killing everyone in the building. Firetrucks were on the scene in less that thirty minutes to extinguish the flames and search for survivors. Ironically, none were found. The explosion is being blamed on an old gas furnace in the basement of the building. No investigation is planned.

Well ain't that a damn shame? :D