Roach-Busters
10-09-2004, 07:29
The following is an excerpt from the article "Late Premier's Basement Houses Virus, Raises Controversy," written by U.P. Offin. It is found in the latest volume of Bug Crushers' Weekly, one of the Invincible Empire of Roach-Busters's most popular tabloid magazines:
"Just weeks after the sudden, unexplained, and seemingly accidental death of former premier C. Vang- which authorities now believe to have been planned by a politically ambitious naked mole rat who had previously run against President J.L. in the presidential election- authorities have discovered a secret laboratory in the basement of Vang's house. Vang, a lifelong bachelor and aloof, antisocial lone wolf who tended to evade questions pertaining to his past and private life, was an avid lover of science, and, before entering politics, was an aspiring student in a prestigious medical school, but was expelled from previously unknown reasons. Recently de-classified files reveal that Vang had been expelled- and nearly arrested- for concocting a new virus he dubbed 'duckpox.' Just what he planned to do with the virus will never be known. Some speculate that he may have been planning to use it on J.L. and Vice-President Cyprian, so he could assume the Presidency himself. But we will never know. The duckpox virus, which has been confiscated and locked away by the government, remains a mystery, in terms of communicability, mortality rate, symptoms, etc."
WARNING!! The following is not intended for younger audiences; discretion is advised
The following is an excerpt from Premier Vang's notes:
Symptoms:
1.Pus-filled, intensely itching, mole-like blisters which spread liberally across the body
2.Sore throat
3.Occasional, mild spasms
4.Severe headache reminiscent of a cluster headache
5.Shaking remarkably similar to that experienced by sufferers of Parkinson's disease
6.Explosive diarrhea which quickly leads to dehydration
7.Vomiting of blood
8.Increased susceptibility to injuries and bleeding
9.Proctitis
10.Urethritis
11.Probability of bladder infections increased tenfold
12.Stiff muscles
13.Chest pain
14.A shrill, highly distinctive cough like the cough caused by pertussis
15.Insomnia
Communicability:
76.82133%
Mortality Rate:
To be determined
"Just weeks after the sudden, unexplained, and seemingly accidental death of former premier C. Vang- which authorities now believe to have been planned by a politically ambitious naked mole rat who had previously run against President J.L. in the presidential election- authorities have discovered a secret laboratory in the basement of Vang's house. Vang, a lifelong bachelor and aloof, antisocial lone wolf who tended to evade questions pertaining to his past and private life, was an avid lover of science, and, before entering politics, was an aspiring student in a prestigious medical school, but was expelled from previously unknown reasons. Recently de-classified files reveal that Vang had been expelled- and nearly arrested- for concocting a new virus he dubbed 'duckpox.' Just what he planned to do with the virus will never be known. Some speculate that he may have been planning to use it on J.L. and Vice-President Cyprian, so he could assume the Presidency himself. But we will never know. The duckpox virus, which has been confiscated and locked away by the government, remains a mystery, in terms of communicability, mortality rate, symptoms, etc."
WARNING!! The following is not intended for younger audiences; discretion is advised
The following is an excerpt from Premier Vang's notes:
Symptoms:
1.Pus-filled, intensely itching, mole-like blisters which spread liberally across the body
2.Sore throat
3.Occasional, mild spasms
4.Severe headache reminiscent of a cluster headache
5.Shaking remarkably similar to that experienced by sufferers of Parkinson's disease
6.Explosive diarrhea which quickly leads to dehydration
7.Vomiting of blood
8.Increased susceptibility to injuries and bleeding
9.Proctitis
10.Urethritis
11.Probability of bladder infections increased tenfold
12.Stiff muscles
13.Chest pain
14.A shrill, highly distinctive cough like the cough caused by pertussis
15.Insomnia
Communicability:
76.82133%
Mortality Rate:
To be determined