NationStates Jolt Archive

[dateline] Glowing Sands Atomic Research Facility, Roycelandian East Africa

The Imperial Defence Bureau has today unveiled its "Revamp" plans for Roycelandia's Atomic Arsenal.

"Previously, our Atomic Bombs came in two sizes: Big, and Bigger" Commander Jack Sword explained to the assembled crowd. "Now, we are pleased to announce the development of The World's Smallest Atomic Device, capable of levelling one city block, and the latest addition, the Glazier Atomic Missile!"

The Glazier Missile has a long and troubled development history, initially being conceived as part of Operation OMFG i n00k j00!!lollol!11!!Shift+1. The project had to be renamed after it was discovered that it contravened the Imperial Purity of Language Laws, and that it was a bit of a mouthful to say at press conferences with a straight face.

"The Glazier Missile can strike any target on the planet with impunity, and can turn a City the size of, say, New Lusaka City to glass in the blink of an Eye. We're rather proud of the name, seeing as I thought of it and everything."

The Press Conference concluded with a direct Video Link of a Glazier Missile being launched, being targetted at a dummy village, missing said village, and destroying an nearby Ancient Temple Complex in an Atomic Blast that lit up the sky in a way that would be awe-inspiring if it hadn't involved the atomisation of a 5,000 year old archaelogical site.

"Obviously, it's not a precision weapon" Commander Sword said afterwards with a remarkably straight face. "Once we get the targeting bugs sorted out, of course, the potential for smackdown increases exponentially. It's still not something you want going off in your back yard, obviously."

Roycelandia's Atomic Weapons programme is a matter of National Pride, sometimes belied by by the Empire's famous "Near enough is good enough" attitude, which has been criticised as "the wrong approach" for dealing with Atomic Weapons, Space Flight, and anything else that costs obscene numbers of Imperial Wibbles and has the potential to explode spectacularly in some way.

n00b charged under Stupidity Laws, Pg 2
Which gun goes best with your eveningwear?, Lifestyle Pg 8
Death found to be Number One killer of people, P76

Upon hearing of the press release, Emperor Tiberius was heard to exclaim: "I gotta get me som'a' dat!"

We here in the C.T.C are dismayed yet strangly find ourself jelouse to hear about said weapon.

The United States of Trekys is horrified. The such a big killing machine was turned even smaller. As a warning, if any of these bombs find their way into UST boarders, we will launch an investigation to find out which nation the bombed belonged to and then take matters into our own hands.

Colonel Amule Saleem Amin, identifying himself as a spokesperson for the AIB while refusing to elaborate on the meaning of the acronym or the status of the organisation, was interviewed by Lusakan state TV, standing close to the UARL/Roycelandian East Africa border.

A slight rumbling could be heard during the middle of the interview, and some witnesses would later claim to be sure of the ground shaking at one point, but state media wasn't here to ask about seismic events, it was supposed to be hear to invite the easy answers.

The Colonel angrily dismissed further questions as to the nature of this AIB he'd accidentally mentioned in public and on camera (only to retort, "No I didn't!") and fielded a few token inquiries into the displacement of the nation's white population and the unexplained evacuations and security deployments to a Bukoba Province suddenly and mysteriously devoid of much pre-existing flora and fauna. He was eventually guided to talk about recent calls for Lusakan weapons inspectors to enter the Congo River Research Facility, though he chose instead to answer an unasked question about whether the Roycelandian facility would just be paved over, to be on the safe side, saying that no, that wasn't planned.

Towards the end of the interview, one camera chanced to catch a certain yellowing of Mt.Kilimanjaro and some uncharacteristic degree of rockfall from the peak.

Other surely related news following the Roycelandian announcement was provided by Lusakan missile tests, with what was reported to be a modified NODONG-1 ballistic missile being launched internally and flying several hundred kilometres towards the southwest. The missile passed over the nation's major military training facilities, briefly scaring the pants off any alert Botswanans before being successfully intercepted by, according to Defence Secretary Olongwe (of Damn it Feels Good to be a Vulture fame), an S-400 A-missile. The NODONG-1 missile, of North Korean design in at least some part, may have been acquired from the African Commonwealth under its previous administration, and had since arriving in the UARL possibly been modified for extended range by Lusakan engineers or other parties.

At least one battalion of Imperial Guardsmen could be seen in the background of Col. Amin's interview waving at the cameras, displaying signs that said things like "Roycelandia 3:16", "Hi, Mum!", and "Buy Imperial Armaments: Arming The World Since 1784!"

Seismic Sensors located in Mombasa recorded the blast, with the Imperial Geographic Society insisting some sort of Atomic Test had taken place.

Air Defences across REA were on full alert, as were troops in Gabon.

A Kookaburra Reconnaisance plane had been seen in the skies over Kilimanjaro, and the Imperial Cartographic Society in Port Royal had been poring over maps of Roycelandian Lusaka (some of them pre-dating WWI).

The Roycelandian Broadcasting Corporation's Ambush Interview surprised a group of Air Force Groundcrew loading equipment into a C-130J, whilst at the same time trying to pretend nothing untoward was going on. Several soldiers were hurriedly stuffing copies of Lonely Planet: Lusaka into their combat jackets and showing an inordinate interest in the weather.

A senior officer said:
"I cannot comment on our secret, planned incursion into Lusaka, as that information is classified. Ah crap, I shouldn't have said we were planning it. Ah crap, I really shouldn't have said it was Secret. And I really shouldn't have said we were planning on invading Lusaka- you guys will edit that bit out, right?" The RBC were strangely non-committal on that point...

The kingdom of Crookfur congrataltes Roycelandia, as fellow member of the commonwealth, in the strives they are maing to ensure world safety.

The government would also liek to asure the crookfur public that the gigaton nuke project was not only about making bombs so big as to be unusable but the use the techknology gained to make our standard weapons smaller.


OOC:
nice MDK refference.

"Them nukes sound real nifty... Say Defence Minister Willis. Get me a few of those and I won't shoot you in the kneecap today."

Fraalendoen Latin:Fraalend praecipio Roycelandia , ullus utor illorum ornamentum obviam a populus quod est effectus inermis en ojos do Sanctus Res publica , mos praecessi en factum en la parte do Halitrax , hostilis copiae copie do Sanctus Res publica do Fraalend.

TranslationFraalend warns Roycelandia, any use of these weapons against a nation which is rendered harmless in the eyes of the Holy Republic, will result in action on the behalf of the Halitrax, the armed forces of the Holy Republic of Fraalend.

The Roycelandian Government wishes to assure the international community that we have no intention of using our enhanced Atomic Weapons on anyone who might be able to retaliate in any meaningful way. ;)

Plans for a Helmet-Mounted Sniper Rifle, in the meantime, have been shelved after soldiers complained of neckache, headaches, and the fact they would look like complete idiots on the battlefield.

OOC: i recon the black gimp siut wouldn't have gone down terribly well either...