NationStates Jolt Archive

The overly long winded nation of Alaqria would like to annouce that it is about to declare an action of agressive hostility upon the peace loving nation of drunk fighting. In declaring this hostile action Alaqria would like to explain its purpose in the instigation of these aforementioned hostilities.

WE WANT BEER!

And the Rogue Nation of Drunk Fighting has this ever so valuable comodity in bountiful amounts. We shall seize its breweries and exploit all its resources. We shall force them to speak using long legal terminology, and make them explain their differences of opinion instead of fighting.

Also, as you can probably guess, this nation really needs the beer.

Yours long windedly, The Acting Primary Authority of The People's Republic of Alaqria.

Through his drunken stuppor dave didn't really understand the message his planet had just received from Alagria. This might have due to the fact that he was seeing it in double, that someone had just broken a beer bottle over his head or that he was legally blind without use of glasses which had been broken in an earlier fight. He was sure however he was going to beat the crap out of whoever had broken a beer bottle over his head.
Two hours later after six more beers and beating the crap out of whoever broke a beer bottle over his head he was finally able to distinguish the words "WE WANT BEER!" This didn't sound like the people of alaqria.They were usually sober un quarralsome people who spent hours upon hours thinking up longer ways to say "hi"
He finally understood, the people of Alaqria were coming to take their beer. The whole nation of Drunk Fighting suddenly stopped fighting each other and geared up to fight the Alaqrians(after a few brewskis of course)

Be prepared for a message from The glorious people of THE CONFEDERACY OF HARLESBURG
Harlesburg respects your right to beer and will view the outcome closely

General John Johnson de Johnson of the Alaqrian national ministry for the running of international takeovers and and overly aggresive people sat in front of the national council for the running of international takeovers and overly aggresive people.

"This is our strategy!" he said, pointing to a long document writen in dreary legalese. "In simpler terms we will just walk in and take out any resistance using our huge government subsidized weapons. We will immediately head for the nearest breweries, turn their businesses into nationalized Alaqrian brewery plants, and redirect the beer from there normal destinations and towards the consumption of our own people. Any inqueries into the planning of this agressive opperation?"

A hand shot up, but before he could answer it, the Primary Authority of the People's Republic of Alaqria walked in.

"I offer my greetings and welcome to the Primary Authority of our great and illustrious nation." said General John Johnson de Johnson, satisfied with his properly long way of saying hello.

"And I offer and leave open my welcome, greetings, and salutations to the right and honourable General John Johnson de Johnson of the Alaqrian national ministry for the running of international takeovers and and overly aggresive people." Said the Primary Authority of the People's Republic of Alaqria.

"Damn." thought General John Johnson de Johnson, dismayed at the Primary Authority's longer hello. "I mean... I curse this incident to the fiery (or icy) depths (or heights) of a religiously non-specific torturous afterlife." he corrected himself.

The Primary Authority of the People's Republic of Alaqria then greeted each of the members of the council. Three hours later, he turned to the General. "You are to immediately comence the opperation without delay. The highest emergency authority has now been imbued in you. You and the people's national army of Alaqria are now given the highest responsibility in the land."

"You don't mean???" asked the General in a startled voice.

"Yes." said the Primary Authority. "In the interest of speeding the invasion on its way, you are now allowed to speak with as much concision as you like, and no one will think less of you."

The general ran to the phone, picked it up, and yelled "Attack!"

As the alagrian ships came insight of his home planet finaly preperations were being made on the homeworld of drunk fighting. For the first time the citizens had stopped fighitn each other. They had instead created a national army within a matter of hours and readied defenses around the countries most valuable commodity-its breweries.
They had set up the most illegal weapons known to man kind The Bottle Thrower. The citizens of drunk fighting were downing millions of pints of beer of every minute creating huge stockpiles of amunition readied to be thrown at approaching alaqrian soldiers.
They had also readied legal documents(not quite up to alaqrian standards) that each soldier would be required to sign before he could partake in the fighting. Of course it was a load of bull, but a true alaqrian could never resist from reading and signing a legal document.
Also they had readied the alcohol flame throwers. Thes were bottle of captain morgans that one man would down while the other man would light a match. Then the first man would breathe on the match. (so what if it was banned by the UN human rights board?)

I support the war. On both fronts.

GO TEAM!

However I don't like beer.

GO TEAM ANYWAY!

As the Alaqrians jumped off of their ships, they wondered how crossing an ocean could end up with them on another problem. Realizing that the problem was probably with some legal loophole in the laws of physics they got into nice and orderly ranks and prepared their first wave of attacks. A not quite deadly series of boring speachs made to make the enemy fall asleep with boredom.

Preparing to speak they headed Inland towards the breweries. An eerie silence settled in. No one was anywhere to be seen. Searching the pubs they found that no one was present. Where was everyone? Finally it was mentioned that they should head towards the breweries.

Upon reaching the breweries, everyone checked out their guns and their speaches, then headed inside, prepared to barricade themselves within until resistance arrived.

When they got inside, they were caught totally unawares.

OOC: Well... it seems I'm supposed to write this next bit too.

IC:

Upon entering the first brewery, the Alaqrian military received an immediate barrage of Fire, Empty beer bottles, and legal documents which required that any wishing to fight on Drunk Fighting's soil must first sign or face a legal responsibility to retreat "while waving hiser hands wildly in the air and crying like a little girl." Taken by surprise the Alaqrian military grabbed as many papers as they could and ran from the building, finding cover outside as they could. Many of the retreating militants were cut down, and wounded soldiers unable to retreat were burned by alcohol/mouth powered flame throwers.

"Sign those papers quickly!" yelled many of the field commanders. But even as they scrambled for pens that they had all forgotten to bring along the drunk fighters pressed their attack and killed many of them. Glass shards and fire did their deadly work as the Alaqrians were delayed by government red tape.

Then, one of the Generals had an idea. "Soldiers!" he yelled. "Make boring speechs about the signing of these documents! Quickly!"

As the soldiers started droning on in their boring monotone the Drunk Fighters made their first mistake. They stopped to listen. Upon hearing such long and boring speechs, the drunk fighters all became drowsy, and one by one they began falling asleep, until all of the drunk fighters lay asleep on the battle field.

This would have been the end of the Drunk fighters were it not for one small problem. The Alaqrian military still lacked any pens and were unable to sign the prepared legal documents and begin fighting. Continuing their long winded monotone speechs the Alaqrian military began to flag, feeling the ache of sore throats. They needed to find pens quickly!

Dave laughed, those damn alaqrians thought they cold bore them to sleep with long winded speeches ha!
Rubbing his eyes as he got up from a boredom induced sleep he looked through the binoculars as he drank beer.
The Alaqrians were running a special convoy up to their front lines. What could it be?
When Dave saw what they were handing out blood drained from his face. He smiled however they would still have to read the document which was virtually impossible as it sited references which didn't exist! The Alaqrians would be driven mad with legal curiosity. Some of them however would still be able to fight if they didn't do somthing about thos pens!
Calling up a bunch of the roughest beer chuggers on the planet he quickly devised his plan.
They all nodded wisely and chugged beer keeping a constant supply of amunition for the beer bottle guns.
He then assigned a special mission to his men Steal Those Pens before they can read the documents!!

Riding in with the government issue legal pen convoy, General John Johnson de Johnson heard an announcement on the radio. A team of elite drunk fighters was heading in to intercept the convoy, and with no fighting capability, they could easily swipe the pens and turn this war into a terrible defeat for the Alaqrian national military. Quickly, General John Johnson de Johnson formed a strategy.

"Quick!" He said. "Platoon A, you are now legally the Alaqrian elite suicide squad. You are to go out in the direction of the of the elite team of drunk fighters and run around screaming like idiots, providing tough targets for them to hit and delaying them significantly. Platoon B, you are to..." he suddenly realized that only one platoon was present. "Well..." he said "nevermind. Everyone driving a vehicle, just keep driving until we reach our reserve forces, give the command for a mass temporary retreat. Our soldiers can't keep babbling all night."

Upon reaching the reserve forces the General received one of the papers and quickly skimmed over it. "Where are these references?" he yelled. "We need these references, stat!"

"We don't have the references." said the field commander. "As far as we know, these references do not exist."

The General despaired then. If the references didn't exist, then they couldn't possibly legally sign these documents, and they couldn't possibly start fighting. But with minutes to go before the elite drunk fighters broke throught their elite suicide squad, the general devised a plan.

"Reserve troops!" He yelled. "Take pens and paper. Look at the citations made, and for each one write your own reference paper. Favour Alaqria as much as possible. We need..." he counted the references "...forty-eight soldiers for this mission. The rest of you, you've all just joined the elite Alaqrian suicide squad. Go and confuse the enemy be running around like a bunch of idiots! Retreat back here soon to sign the documents! Go! Go! Go!"

With minutes to go, forty-eight of the Alaqrian military's fastest writers all started writing the references the document spoke of. Would they make it in time to sign the document and fight?

The elite soldiers were launching as many beer bottles as they could but they just couldn't keep up. Their were too many idiots running around out there to hit them all before they advanced on their position.
Downing a quick beer he prayed that he would be killed painfully as the first of the alaqrians advanced on their positions...
He opened one eye then the next. The Alaqrians were just running around they weren't actually harming them in any way. Stupid Alaqrians always follow orders to the letter. After beating the crap out of an Alaqrian and drinking a few more beers he felt like his old self again.
Now to advance on those men further on writing like mad men. First of all though he aimed a beer bottle at some wierd dude prancing around like and idiot yelling long winded orders at those writers.
Then after filling beer bottles with alcohol and lighting rags in the top, they threw them all at the shipment of pens. HA! That will show those Alaqrians whose going to win!
Retreating they ran into a bunch of Alaqrian soldiers who promptly killed them all and hid their bodies so no one would know they were fighting without signing the contract.

Dismayed at the destruction of most of their pens, the forty-eight brave and fast writing Alaqrian soldiers ducked into hiding, quickly finishing off the writing of their papers. As one of them wrote an ingenous idea came to mind.

"Quick! Start fighting!" He yelled. Alaqrians everywhere picked up their guns and started shooting, not at all discouraged by their dwindling numbers.

"Explain yourself!" yelled a wounded General John Johnson de Johnson, shards of glass sticking out of a useless leg.

Quickly, the soldier wrote in that the signing of one person on behalf of another would technically constitute a signing by the person in question, and that as long as the signing were commited at some point during the battle all fighting by said person was technically legal. The soldier then signed a single document and wrote under his signature "On behalf of the Alaqrian Military." He handed the paper over to the General to read.

Upon reading the document the General's face lit up. "Give the order to draw back!" He said. "Then form up and get ready to fight! The documents are solved!"

A great cheer issued from the reduced numbers of the Alaqrian Military, and they rallied together for a stand against the pressing numbers of the drunk fighters.

OOC: Wow! How amusing, some n00b has two accounts and is RP ing against himself. That's just like wanking!

OOC: Just ignore that idiot. He doesn't have a clue what he's talking about.

The Drunk Fighters were overjoyed as the alqrians started to retreat away from the breweries. They began filling the beer bottles with alcohol and began firing molotv cocktails at the enemy.
However they soon had to stop this as the Drunk Fighters started confusing the molotov cocktails with other cocktails which included gin and vodka.
Cursing the stupidity of these men Dave gulped down another beer.
As the burning molotov cocktail ate Dave from the inside out his last words were "Damn".
Joe the next self proclaimed leader of the Drunk Fighters laughed as he hit dave dead carcass over the head with a beer bottle. Last time he did that he got beaten up. This time no one cared. HA!
Joe began to give orders but realised Fred another newly apointed self proclaimed leader of the Drunk Fighters began to give orders which people were actually listening too.
Joe smashed a bottle over Freds head and got the crap beaten out of him.
Meanwhile the Alaqrians had had time to regroup and the Drunk fighters were now hurling beer bottles into their midst.
One idiot stood up over the others and started giving some long winded speeches. Fred laughed as he launched a beer bottle at the man. Several others took the opportunity to do the same.The force of the collision threw the man back a good twenty feet.
Fred then ordered his men to take out their close range weapons(broken beer bottles) and charged the Alaqrians.

yo sino! why dont you join in and do somthing positive?

cause im actually offended by that statement

General John Johnson de Johnson finished winding the last bandage around his head, and a field doctor began working on his leg. He watched his soldiers firing at the enemy as they approached, but though many of them fell there were just too many to stop completely. A wave of drunk fighters crashed into the Alaqrian Military and began hitting people over the head with beer bottles.

It was here that the Alaqrian Military realized yet another terrible mistake. They had not brought enough ammo. Running out of ammo at close range, the Alaqrian Military started using their guns as clubs. With combatants fighting bottle to gun, General John Johnson de Johnson finally joined the fray, limping around a wailing on some guy named Joe with one of his crutches.

"Reinforcements! We need reinforcements!" He yelled. Locating him by voice, several drunken fighters hit him with beer bottles, making him fall over. On the way down he flailed with his crutches, hitting Joe several times before he landed. "Doctor!" He yelled "I need a doctor here!"

It was sort of hard to tell who the fight was going in favour of. It had become a bit more like a drunken brawl than an aggresive military action.

yes thought fred his fighters were finally in a situation they could handle, they were piss drunk and brawling. The sober Alaqrians couldn't win now!
Seeing the popinjay he had fired a beer bottle at earlier he beat him over the head with a rock before continuing in the brawl.

General John Johnson de Johnson Staggered over to a doctor, who bandaged him up, but accidently caught his arm in a tight hold, breaking it completely. Too injured to fight, the general was sent back to Alaqria in a large ominous military truck, which bumped its way down the road, jostling and displacing the General's bandages.

Meanwhile, back at the front, Commander Will William Williamson took command. Realizing that the Drunk Fighters were now fighting in familiar circumstances, he decided that something had to be done to make the fight less familiar and more daunting. Unfortuneately the Commander wasn't very creative, and couldn't think of anything.

But even as the battle was turning against the Alaqrians, the newly re-instated Platoon A returned from its successful suicide mission. No longer an elite Alaqrian suicide squad, the Platoon's numbers crashed into the brawl, bringing superior numbers once again to the Alaqrian side of the conflict. Though it couldn't be told how this would affect the fight, it did buy the Commander time to think of something. It was just so hard for one so un-creative.

Fred smile looking at the beer missile. Of course it was actually filled with napalm but they could still call it a beer missile.
Of course he couldn't send it at the main group of fighters because hed kill his own men too. Instead he smiled at his intelligence. As he launched the missile at the the supply truck he laughed. HA!
Coming out of the brewery he dipped a cup in one of beer tanks as he came out.
Sipping his cup and looking at the battle it was useless. They were far outnumbered but his men had been fighting in brawls since they were old enough to drink.
Picking up a baseball bat he smiled, their new secret weapon. But where to test it?
Spotting another general with feathers on his uniform he smiled.
An hour later after wiping the blood off his bat he cursed himself for hitting himself on the head and falling unconcious.
Walking over to the commander he beat him up and then started to one handidly change the course of the battle with his baseball bat.
Unfortunatley just before they could drive the Alaqrians back into the sea he hit himself over the head again.
Joe took this opportunity to grab the baseball bat and beat Fred with it.
After killing Fred he rejoiced. HA!
Now he was supreme ruler of the Drunken Fighters.
Bob however managed to grab the baseball bat and knock Joe unconcious.
The Drunken Fighters looked to their new leader, what would he do?

yo sino! why dont you join in and do somthing positive?

OOC: I was right, this is far too well-coordinated for an actual RP. This is like watching some kind of bad movie. Damn n00bs! I should get some of my mates to judge this for themselves and perhaps share a few laughs.

Fire exploded in the world of General John Johnson de Johnson, bringing a burning pain with every movement of the truck. Doctors Ran into the truck, carrying a burning General out. Quickly, they stamped out the fire, breaking a few of the General's ribs in the process, and began to carry him away to the ships on a stretcher.

Meanwhile, the bruised and bloodied Commander Will William Williamson took immediate advantage of the fighting between the Drunk Fighters. This may have been their area of expertise, but as long as they fought eachother there was manouvering room.

Looking at the new advanced baseball bat weaponry of the Drunk Fighters, the Commander did the only sensible thing. He picked up a supply of baseballs, and started throwing them at random drunken people. He didn't quite understand where the baseballs were coming from, but as long as he was throwing them at people he didn't really care.

With baseballs blazing, the battle finally began to turn in the Alaqrian favour, despite the ascension of this new guy, Bob.

Dear Sino. I would like to say a few things.

First: If you don't have anything productive to say, don't say it.

Secondly: We're coordinating this RP over an instant messenger.

Third: Yes, Drunk Fighting and I are brothers, and we're conducting this roleplay from the same house.

Fourth: Stop being such an a******. You could probably join in and have a great old time (not that it matters, both Drunk Fighting and I are going to bed now) but as it is criticizing us from the sidelines with no actual imput is very unproductive. So... n00b... do something useful, nice, or go to (as I put it in a former post) a religously non-specific torturous afterlife.