Roycelandia
02-09-2004, 13:09
[dateline] Mountain Bay, Roycelandia
Roycelandia’s Lawyers could soon be required to have at least six month’s training as an Article Clerk or Solicitor before being permitted to practice at the bar, after an embarrassing gaffe by a self-taught solicitor at a Burglary Trial in Mountain Bay yesterday.
Robert Nelson, Counsel for the Defence, submitted to the Court that his client could not possibly have committed the Burglary in question, as he had an “Aleebee” for the time in question.
“My client has a verifiable Aleebee for the time in question” Mr. Nelson said. “He was with several friends at a Pub, who are prepared to back up his Aleebee.”
When the Court requested clarification of the term “Aleebee”, Mr. Nelson referred the Court to Wordsmith’s Legal Dictionary. “Aleebee, a defence, statement, or evidence that a person was at a different location to the one alleged by the Prosecution.”
“Ah, you mean an Alibi!” exclaimed the Judge.
Mr. Nelson replied “Your Honour, I must respectfully disagree. My own, extensive readings on the matter make no mention of this “Alibi” of which you speak, but cover the Aleebee copiously and at length.”
Mr. Nelson then proceeded to Cite Wordsmith’s Legal Dictionary, various John Grisholm Novels, the Imperial Criminal Code, and a 1952 “Boy’s Own” Annual before he was stopped by the Judge, who suggested he move on lest he embarrass himself further.
Matters were compounded during Cross-Examination when Mr. Nelson asked his Client if he had used an Alleyass at any point. The proceedings had to be halted for 30 minutes after Mr. Nelson’s client punched him in the face
When the Trial resumed, Mr. Nelson (now with a bandaged nose) was called upon to enlighten the court as to the nature of this “Alleyass” of which he spoke.
“M’lud, it is a well known Criminal Term. An Alleyass is another name by which a person can be known.” Mr. Nelson explained, and by way of reference, he Cited “That TV show with that rather attractive young lass Jennifer Garner in it”, Wordsmith’s Legal Dictionary, a Judge Dredd comic, and “A novel I read on the plane once, but I forget who it was by or what it was about.”
In a shock turn of Events, Mr. Nelson was immediately found Guilty of breaching the Imperial Anti-Stupidity Laws and sentenced to 7 days imprisonment. His Client was found Not Guilty by a sympathetic Jury.
“These sorts of goings-on make a mockery of the Judicial System” said Imperial Bar spokesman Leigh Evans. “We’ve gone to a lot of trouble to ensure that only rich and clever people get to be Lawyers, and then this idiot Nelson goes and makes us look like a bunch of wankers in front of the whole Empire. Oh, make sure you don’t print the bit about only Rich and Clever people being allowed to be Lawyers either. The Commoners won’t be too pleased if they found out about that one.”
When asked how Mr. Nelson managed to graduate from the University Of Port Royal’s Law School, a spokesman for the University replied “A careful review of our records has revealed… Hey, Look! Two attractive lesbians wrestling in Jelly!”
By the time our intrepid reporter and photographer had returned from the scene of the alleged Lesbian Jelly Wrestling without locating the two parties involved, the University spokesman had vanished, along with almost anyone else who might be in a position to answer questions.
“Yes, we’re going to do something about it” said Government Spokeswoman in a different interview this morning. “Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, may never, but we will definitely think about maybe getting around to speculating on the possibility of adding it to our list of things for consideration.”
Mr. Nelson was unavailable for comment, being in Prison and all.
Knights Demand Shrubbery, Pg 3
Tree-Huggers 137% More Likely to get Splinters, Pg 8
100% Chance of Weather Tomorrow, Back Page
Roycelandia’s Lawyers could soon be required to have at least six month’s training as an Article Clerk or Solicitor before being permitted to practice at the bar, after an embarrassing gaffe by a self-taught solicitor at a Burglary Trial in Mountain Bay yesterday.
Robert Nelson, Counsel for the Defence, submitted to the Court that his client could not possibly have committed the Burglary in question, as he had an “Aleebee” for the time in question.
“My client has a verifiable Aleebee for the time in question” Mr. Nelson said. “He was with several friends at a Pub, who are prepared to back up his Aleebee.”
When the Court requested clarification of the term “Aleebee”, Mr. Nelson referred the Court to Wordsmith’s Legal Dictionary. “Aleebee, a defence, statement, or evidence that a person was at a different location to the one alleged by the Prosecution.”
“Ah, you mean an Alibi!” exclaimed the Judge.
Mr. Nelson replied “Your Honour, I must respectfully disagree. My own, extensive readings on the matter make no mention of this “Alibi” of which you speak, but cover the Aleebee copiously and at length.”
Mr. Nelson then proceeded to Cite Wordsmith’s Legal Dictionary, various John Grisholm Novels, the Imperial Criminal Code, and a 1952 “Boy’s Own” Annual before he was stopped by the Judge, who suggested he move on lest he embarrass himself further.
Matters were compounded during Cross-Examination when Mr. Nelson asked his Client if he had used an Alleyass at any point. The proceedings had to be halted for 30 minutes after Mr. Nelson’s client punched him in the face
When the Trial resumed, Mr. Nelson (now with a bandaged nose) was called upon to enlighten the court as to the nature of this “Alleyass” of which he spoke.
“M’lud, it is a well known Criminal Term. An Alleyass is another name by which a person can be known.” Mr. Nelson explained, and by way of reference, he Cited “That TV show with that rather attractive young lass Jennifer Garner in it”, Wordsmith’s Legal Dictionary, a Judge Dredd comic, and “A novel I read on the plane once, but I forget who it was by or what it was about.”
In a shock turn of Events, Mr. Nelson was immediately found Guilty of breaching the Imperial Anti-Stupidity Laws and sentenced to 7 days imprisonment. His Client was found Not Guilty by a sympathetic Jury.
“These sorts of goings-on make a mockery of the Judicial System” said Imperial Bar spokesman Leigh Evans. “We’ve gone to a lot of trouble to ensure that only rich and clever people get to be Lawyers, and then this idiot Nelson goes and makes us look like a bunch of wankers in front of the whole Empire. Oh, make sure you don’t print the bit about only Rich and Clever people being allowed to be Lawyers either. The Commoners won’t be too pleased if they found out about that one.”
When asked how Mr. Nelson managed to graduate from the University Of Port Royal’s Law School, a spokesman for the University replied “A careful review of our records has revealed… Hey, Look! Two attractive lesbians wrestling in Jelly!”
By the time our intrepid reporter and photographer had returned from the scene of the alleged Lesbian Jelly Wrestling without locating the two parties involved, the University spokesman had vanished, along with almost anyone else who might be in a position to answer questions.
“Yes, we’re going to do something about it” said Government Spokeswoman in a different interview this morning. “Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, may never, but we will definitely think about maybe getting around to speculating on the possibility of adding it to our list of things for consideration.”
Mr. Nelson was unavailable for comment, being in Prison and all.
Knights Demand Shrubbery, Pg 3
Tree-Huggers 137% More Likely to get Splinters, Pg 8
100% Chance of Weather Tomorrow, Back Page