NationStates Jolt Archive

Carl the Fat sits in his throne, greasy faced, and with his sides hanging over the armrests. He smacks vigorously on a turkey leg while a camera zooms in and zooms out on Carl's fat frame until the cameraman finds the perfect angle. The cameraman gives the thumbs up, letting Carl know that he could begin his speech. This image was being broadcast to all the known nations of the world, so Carl cleared his throat and began to get ready.

"Oh....", Carl throws his turkey leg against the wall and begins speaking, "Listen all! Peasants, fools, scoundrels, bastards, you whores of the earth! I Carl the Great am personally bringing my great nation out of its great slumber and into a new era! An era of world domination! That's right, within 20 years the entire world shall be mine! So either lay your weapons down or prepare to die at the hands of Carl the...King of the World! I hereby disband my country from all alliances, and will cut off all contact with my so-called "allies". No one can be trusted, that's why I've taken it upon myself to see to it that the earth is renamed "Carl", and you'll all like it!!! Muahahahaha!!"

The screen flickers, and then shuts off.

"So what do you think lowly cameraman, was it good? Did my speech intimidate you?", Carl asked, sputtering spit all over the place as he spoke.

"Yea, sure. You did great Lord, Master, God and Savior Carl. Where's my 300 bucks?"

At this moment Carl's under lord Arnold Ghent entered the throne chambers, bursting the doors open and stepping up to Carl in a long stride.

"What the hell have you done you fat idiot?", inquired Arnold, his eyes steaming behind his 400 dollar shades.

"You will not speak to me that way, I am the emperor!"

"Cut the bullshit fatty, I was the one who got you in this position and I can easily have you removed. The last the we want is unneeded attention, so cut the broadcast immediately!"

"I can't, it's already been sent, the world must know Arnold, I am their rulers!", Carl looked up at the ceiling, arms stretched, and his eyes bulging.

Arnold took a step closer to Carl, slapped the crown off his head and, punched him in his face, knocking the grease off his lips.

"Agh! You bastard, guards, cease him!", but to Carl's surprise they would not heed his command.

"They won't listen to you fat moron, I'm the one who hands out the paycheck, I'm the real leader here! From now on keep your fat mouth shut, we can only hope that no one paid attention to your little message once they saw that you were a fat fool. If anyone sends a transmission back you alarm me immediately! I must go to my bubble bath."

Arnold swiftly turned around and exited the chambers, slamming the doors behind him.

"What an asshole....", muttered Carl.

OOC: That's it! Invade! ;)

Official Statement from Premier Mannerheim, People's Republic of Sevaris:

You're a looney.

Premier Alec Mannerheim
People's Republic of Sevaris.

Mercia, Political District, Presidential Suite

Vice President Adrian Tate sipped on champagne and looked out of his window at the massive city of Mercia below him. Night had falled on the city and the skyline was glowing beautifully against the darkness. He turned around to face his the President, Lakato Vaul, who was seated comfortably on a loveseat with a call girl.

“Lakato, I’ve been speaking to the parliament lately about the situation in Isla De Penguinata .”

“Mhm…”, answered Lakato, hardly paying attention.

“Well, if you’ve been watching the news lately and reading our intelligence files, you’ll see that the country’s infrastructure has seemed to spiral into hell. They went from a democracy to a tinpot dictatorship in a matter of months. It’s the fastest decline of a nation I think the world has ever witnessed.”

“Yes, mhm.”, the President whispered playfully into the girls ear making her giggle.

“Lakato, I think it’s in Rukemia’s best interest to take advantage of this situation. IDP’s resources are abundant, they have in their possession things that we could never purchase on the market. Not to mention their military is absolutely pathetic, with the cuts their new leader has been giving, their nothing more than underpaid misfits.”

“Adrian, what is it that you’re getting at?”

“Lakato, this might sound odd coming from me but I say we invade. The parliament agrees, there’s so little to lose and so much to gain. The people there all ready hate their current predicament, we’d appear as heroes to them. Rukemia needs something to pull it’s people together, and a war is a perfect way to do this. A quick, one sided, war.”

“But, Adrian, it’s been 10 years since the last war, we’ve been living in an era of peace, the people of Rukemia are happy! Have you forgotten what war really is? It’s not a game, men will die.”

“They’ll die for the betterment of their countrymen, and for the betterment of the people of Isla De Penguinata. It’s time the world viewed Rukemia as a world power, a nation that stands for justice, we have yet to come from under the shadow of Melkor. This war would turn our reputation around. All the parliament needs is your signature.”

Lakato turned away from his call girl and raised his hand to his chin, “How will the world go along with us if we invade unprovoked?”

“Wouldn’t you say a terrorist attack is enough to warrant an invasion?”

“Adrian, are you suggesting that we frame IDP, for a just cause to war? That’s mad, innocent Rukemians would die at the hands of their own leaders.”

“Ah, but as I said before, they will die for the betterment of their country. Money makes the world go round, Lakato, and once we conquer IDP we’ll have lots of it.”

Lakato, thought for a moment, “IDP is a large nation, the cost to mobilize enough troops to take the entire country might slump the Rukemian economy, what then?”

“Lakato, if my calculations serve me correct, which they do, then the profit we’ll make from this will triple the spending element. Which means that even if the economy did slump, the imported goods from IDP would send it sharply up again.”

“Hm. Well have you informed General Victor of this?”

“Yes, of course, and as you would expect he’s more than excited about this, it seems he has some kind of grudge against Penguinatians. Our troops will be safe under his leadership, you know this, he’s the best military leader we have. He’s got three wars under his belt.”

“So you’re sure this will be short, and hardly bloody?”

“1,000 deaths at the max, we expect resistance to be extremely light. Penguinatian soldiers should drop their weapons at the site of a foreign invader. Especially one who’s their to “liberate” them.”

“Where do I sign?”

Bump

We laugh at your audacity, at how you could make such a claim...we sincerely hope that it isn't serious.

OOC

[i]@ below post: Exactly!

Emperor Crossman of the United Imperium of Crossman has released this statement:

"Oh lovely, someone gave Michael Moore a crown and a country..."

<Wye, Concil Hall, Diplomatic Service, Consul General’s office>

"Spirits damn it, another insane loon claiming lordship over the world," Josiah Willard Gibbs sighed, watching the 2D broadcast on his crystal trid projector. Some things never changed, and Gibbs chuckled as he began typing commands into the console that was built onto his desk. Within seconds the video was on another crystal, in a smaller office located across the King's Green park.

"Ser Alicia could use a good laugh", the consul-general thought, scratching his graying hair before moving onto the next international message.

**********
<Wye, Tower of Kings, High King's Apartment>

"G'ah, I did -not- need to see that," Alicia muttered. She'd hack Gibbs console just for sending her something like this early in the morning. Staring at fat emperors was not her idea of a good time.

Alicia, Wyer's young 22-year-old High King, got up to get herself another t-shirt. She'd need to do something about her habit of spilling tea on herself every morning. Until then . . .
When she got back, she activated her console's video imaging, and began speaking.

"Emperor Carl the Fat, please do not try and claim over lordship over Weyr or any of its allies. Doing so has thus far proven to be very bad for the health of rulers who have done so."

With that, she shut off the imaging drive, and went back to her work.



Alicia li'Wye:

The Imperium is very disappointed at the shape of Isla de Penguinata. To think that we once shared a star empire, it is sad to see such a downward spiral is such a great nation. We much ask this "Carl the Great" to renounce his claim at once or we will be forced to act in order to save the people of a once great nation from an obviously insane despot.

Asiya Saleh,
Duchess Alexandria,
Director of Foreign Services

In the Dyelli Beybian Ministry of Foreign Affairs (and Diplomatic Blunders) a debate was occuring between a pair of shady Cheka agents...

"What about this King of the World business then?"

"What, you didn't take that seriously did you?"

"Well, you never know these crazed despots tend to target Dyelli Beybi."

"Well actually it tends to be the ones who want to liberate us from our 'crazed despots' despite the fact that we elect them."

"Yeah alright... should we do anything?"

"I don't know, it's not really any of our concern. Send him a highly offensive card or something, the usual drill."

Later that day a card was posted, depicting 'Carl the Great' in a variety of poses all of which could be described as 'Camel Love'. It had been rubber stamped by the Minister who hadn't actually been reading any of the documents his aides presented him with, and was viewed with a great deal of amusement by the younger Cheka agents, although the more experienced ones did warn they could be 'playing with fire'. It was the kind of stupid thing that could only happen in Dyelli Beybi.

Official Statement from the Imperial Triumviate of Tyrandis





































































meh.
http://www.adventchildren.net/ff7ac/movie/images/char-tifa.jpg
Director Valerie Fenton
Director of Foreign Affairs

<Emperor Erik of ITD looks up from his bowl of cereal and his newspaper...>
Erik: meh!
<...and goes back to breakfast>

MESSAGE! MESSAGE!
PRIORITY Z!(top message priority)
To Emporer Carl "The Great"(this part is written in sarcasm)
From The Goverment of Red Tide
... All we have too say is... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU GOT TOO BE KIDDING ME! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
END MESSAGE!

This will be quite amusing :D

*ahem**ahem* I, messenger of His Royal Excellence King Tendaeus XIX, doth proclaim the King's eternal position on this topic:

The King doth kindly thank "Carl" for the wonderous performance earlier today,









In fact, it was the most humorous thing His Majesty has seen in quite some time. His Majesty has requested that "Carl" attend to the Royal Throne Room, as Supreme Jester


Sincerely,

His Royal Excellence King Tendaeus XIX

[The messenger steps from the room, holding back bubbles of laughter]