NationStates Jolt Archive

The United Socialist States of Boise and Nampa and the Kingdom of Wrangell here open diplomatic channels, on the condition that Socialist diplomats are not to be locked outside.

THE PRIME MINISTER

Chief Ambassador to Wrangell: Isaac Randolfsson

In his cramped office deep underground, Renfrew Snively, the Harassed
Functionary of the Ministry of State opened the letter from the pending
Ambassador of Boise and Nampa.

"Hmmm.." he thought. "This letter betrays a certain lack of understanding
of local conditions".

He took his battered typewriter out from under the desk (preferring not
to prepare correspondence on the monitored computer systems).

Dear Ambassador Randolfsson,

On your arrival on Wrangell Island, we will be happy to accredit you
to the Diplomatic Corps. Please be wary of the polar bears on disembarking.

We cannot assure you that you will not be "put outside". A protocol
officer will be assigned to you to warn you when your actions put you
in danger of this traditional sanction. Before preparing the labor
contract for your protocol officer, would you prefer

a. a luscious young female

b. a motherly type

c. a James Bond lookalike (with suitable skills)

d. a distinguished elderly gentleman (with the same skills as under c)

We await your arrival. Please be certain to secure insurance as per
previous correspondence.

Sincerely, Renfrew Snively, H.F. M.S. K.W.


He put the letter in an envelope, shook his head, and dropped it into
the pneumatic mail chute.

To the esteemed H.S. Renfrew Snively,

I believe I will choose choice D. Those distinguished elderly gentlemen always have something up their sleeves.

My team and I will arrive in Wrangell shortly.

Sincerely,
Isaac Randolfsson
Chief Ambassador to Wrangell
Socialist States of Boise and Nampa

The Antarctic Ambassadorial Council sends you this information about our government.

Ministers
The Prime Minister
Minister of Foreign Relations - Miguel Valdez
Minister of Defense - Wesley Hossman
Minister of Intelligence - Eric Densham
Minister of Sport and Youth - Tony Zweiback
Minister of Irrigation - Pam Sturgess
Minister of the Interior - Frederica Medina
Minister of Communication - Anna Dent
Minister of Health - Ryan Aizkibel
Minister of Transport - Hailey Thornton
--
Major Government-Related Organizations
AAC - Arctic Ambassadorial Committee
Led by Isaac Randolfsson, who is stationed at Wrangell
BMI - Black Market Investigations
Chair is Aitana Rementiara
Uranium Export Company
President Ed Newmarket
European Relations Committee
- Exploratory Army Commitee - Led by the Minister of Defense
- The Advisory Committee on Economic Stability
BNTA - Boisean/Nampan Trade Association
SMPS - Slime Mold Preservation Society

I hope this information is of some use to you.

Isaac Randolfsson
Head of the AAC

Chief Ambassador Isaac Randolfsson
Assistant to the Chief Ambassador Emmanuel Townsend
Uranium Export Company President Ed Newmarket
Nuclear Expert Dr. Samuel Walker
Assistant Secretary of Trade Mort Sandies
Ambassador Alison Rourke
Ambassador Gerald Bourne
Former Senator Kelsey Reeves
Chief Clerk of the AAC Dan O'Leary
Clerk Lauren Lancaster
Medical Dr. John Atkinson
Captain Douglas Fairbanks

I believe this is in order with your needs.
Isaac Randolfsson
Head of the AAC

Travelling by icebreaker is an acquired taste. Few if any of the members
of the Boise and Nampa delegation had acquired it by the time they
arrived. The combination of seasickness in open patches of water with
primal fear when trapped in intense pressure and listening to the
groaning of the hull of the ancient ex-Soviet icebreaker was not
pleasant. It was with altogether unwarranted relief that our passengers
finally heard from the crew that they had arrived at Wrangell Island.

Climbing onto the deck, they discovered what we would call a bracing
summer day: -10 degrees F, 25 mph wind from the north. The icebreaker was unable to reach the docks at the (nameless) sole
port of the Kingdom, and so it was necessary from them to go down
a gangplank and traverse a quiet but suggestively ridged area of ice
before arriving at the rocky shore.

Arrival at the customs shed (about 2/3 buried in the snow) was accelerated by everyone suddenly noticing that the party was about
to be joined by a large polar bear. The polar bear seemed to think
that it was a dinner party.

In fact, there wasn't enough time for the diplomats to reach the access
tunnel to the customs shed before the arrival of the hungry polar
bear on the scene. Just as disaster seemed inevitable, an incredibly
decrepit-seeming elderly gentleman emerged from the access tunnel,
looked blearily at the polar bear, and yawned.

The following events were never accurately recalled by the eyewitnesses.
In a blur of speed the elderly gentleman intercepted the polar bear and
delivered a series of stunning empty-hand blows and kicks to its head.
It collapsed, unconscious.

"There's good eating on one of these", remarked the elderly gentleman,
wheezing catastrophically as he hobbled toward the astounded diplomats.

"Allow me to introduce myself; I am Millard Witherspoon, and I have
been hired as your Protocol Officer".

E. Townsend
Ass. Chf. Ambassador

We would like to move into our embassy quite shortly. Possibly an unused building near or over one of the mineshafts?

Thank you for your cooperation.

To be delivered to the Regent ASAP:
(cc to Snively)

We'd like to begin negotiations concerning the trade of uranium shortly.

Mort Sandies

P.S. Excellent protocol officers you have here.

To the Regent,

When may we expect your diplomats to arrive in Boise and Nampa? If they have been chosen, I would appreciate a list of their names and functions. I would very much appreciate it if the embassy was headed by Renfrew Snively, harassed functionary in the Ministry of State.

Sincerely,
The Prime Minister

The Boise and Nampa delegation entered the claustrophobically narrow
snow tunnel providing access to the customs shed. The Defense representative had frozen solid, but was carried in by Protocol Officer
Witherspoon, who muttered "Our medical research teams have an
excellent track record for reviving frozen visitors, though they never
are quite as quick afterward...". To the dismay of the remaining delegation members, Witherspoon unceremoniously dumped the
rigid Defense representative into a high-caliber pneumatic tube,
which whisked him away to parts unknown.

In the customs shed, the first counter with which the delegation was
confronted was prominently labelled SECURITY SERVICES -- SIGNUP
MANDATORY. Seven or eight different competing security services
appeared to be represented -- their glossy advertising material displaying
the variety of weapons, traps, and investigation/interrogation media
available to the wise client who chose their service.

Mr. Witherspoon muttered "Preemptive Attack Sevices has the exclusive
contract for diplomats; please sign these papers" - whisking a mass
of papers in front of the beumused Mr. Randolffson who signed them
before quite managing to realize that they were there -- and whisked
them away again.

The next counter was labelled WEAPONS CHECKPOINT. At this counter,
security specialists made sure that all weapons carried by visitors to
the Kingdom were in good working order and certified to do no harm
to anyone other than the intended target. Minor repairs and extra
ammo were provided for a few icicles.

At this point the members of the Boise and Nampa delegation began to
tremble uncontrollably from a combination of cold and acute culture shock.

Dear Prime Minister,

We will be happy to send Mr. Renfrew Snively as head of our delegation.
The selection process has begun.

Sincerely,
The Regent,
Kingdom of Wrangell

To be delivered to the Regent ASAP:
(cc to Snively)

We'd like to begin negotiations concerning the trade of uranium shortly.

Mort Sandies

P.S. Excellent protocol officers you have here.

Since both of our nations are uranium exporters, I assume you are
discussing negotiations toward forming a cartel. The Regent finds this
a satisfactory basis for talks.

Or are you perhaps interested in our sophisticated transuranic refining
facilities?

Sincerely,
Punctuality Besom,
Special Secretary for Uncontrolled Nuclear Proliferation
Office of the Regent
Kingdom of Wrangell

E. Townsend
Ass. Chf. Ambassador

We would like to move into our embassy quite shortly. Possibly an unused building near or over one of the mineshafts?

Thank you for your cooperation.

There is a structure used for storing nitroglycerine which is otherwise
unoccupied. As long as the temperature stays below 0 F you should
be OK.

Sincerely,
Inanity Wilberforce,
Secretary for Special Arrangements,
Office of the Regent

FROM THE OFFICE OF ISAAC RANDOLFSSON:
Our delegation thanks you for the kind offer, but we would very much prefer an embassy which does not explode at all times during which your climate is tolerable. Other arrangements would be appreciated.

Sincerely,
Isaac Randolfsson
Chief Ambassador
AAC
Boise and Nampa